[margog85]

My brother lives in FL. He has a 2 yr old and shares custody with the mother. The mother is really making his life hell. In the past 2 yrs, she has changed his daughter's last name to hers without him knowing; she has kept his daughter from him, including holidays (this was prior to the agreement they have now). She has filed a false charges against him alleging abuse, for which he spent a night in jail and was forced to take an anger management course. She has filed for a restraining order which was dropped because her claims were groundless. She has filed for full custody with only visitation for my brother on a few occasions already. She has not won in court yet-- my brother has retained 48% custody of the child. Now she is taking him to court again in yet another attempt to take away custody, claiming that he is abusive. My brother is not abusive. He is a very good father. There is no evidence of abuse whatsoever. She has left my brother and reunited with him several times over the past couple of years, as recently as January of this year. When the child is with her, she pushes her off on the grandmother. Now she has a new boyfriend/fiance and has let the boyfriend help my niece go to the bathroom. What can he do? We are at our wits end constantly battling in court with this woman. My family is broke because of all the $ we have spent on lawyers and legal fees. It kills me to watch my brother go through this. What can he do to put a stop to this once and for all? Please help!

[JudyKayTee]

My brother lives in FL. He has a 2 yr old and shares custody with the mother. The mother is really making his life hell. In the past 2 yrs, she has changed his daughter's last name to hers without him knowing; she has kept his daughter from him, including holidays (this was prior to the agreement they have now). She has filed a false charges against him alleging abuse, for which he spent a night in jail and was forced to take an anger management course. She has filed for a restraining order which was dropped because her claims were groundless. She has filed for full custody with only visitation for my brother on a few occasions already. She has not won in court yet-- my brother has retained 48% custody of the child. Now she is taking him to court again in yet another attempt to take away custody, claiming that he is abusive. My brother is not abusive. He is a very good father. There is no evidence of abuse whatsoever. She has left my brother and reunited with him several times over the past couple of years, as recently as January of this year. When the child is with her, she pushes her off on the grandmother. Now she has a new boyfriend/fiance and has let the boyfriend help my niece go to the bathroom. What can he do? We are at our wits end constantly battling in court with this woman. My family is broke because of all the $ we have spent on lawyers and legal fees. It kills me to watch my brother go through this. What can he do to put a stop to this once and for all? Please help!

I don't know that the boyfriend helping the child bathroom is harmful to the child or makes the boyfriend some sort of pedophile. Is it the smartest thing for the mother to do? Probably not. Does it rise to the level of harming the child? No one knows except for a therapist. How did you get this information?

You say they have an agreement. Is this a Court Order, an agreement approved by the Court, something the two of them settled on?

If your brother reconciled with her as recently as January he cannot allege she was a terrible person in the past. In my State - NY - once you move under the same roof again everything that went on before cannot be used against either parent. You can't split, make accusations, reconcile, split, make the same allegations/accusations.

Has your brother requested that the Court send ALL parties for evaluation? Very often the Court will appoint someone to represent the best interest of the child - and that involves interviewing and evaluating ALL of the parties.

I'm surprised that the Court (apparently) continues to entertain motions by either party.

Again - he should stay away from her, push for evaluations of all parties and present EVIDENCE that the mother is physically or mentally harming the child.

It must be frustrating for the family to be fighting this battle if they break up and reconcile - and then break up (and the name calling starts) again.

[margog85]

My niece has told my brother that the mother's boyfriend "helps her go potty." I find that pretty disturbing; don't see any reason why anyone outside of the family should be bringing her to the bathroom, unless the boyfriend is babysitting the child, which is against their custody agreement. Per the custody agreement, she is supposed to inform my brother first if she needs a babysitter so that he has the choice to take the child instead of leaving her with a babysitter.

The agreement they have was worked out in mediation.

I mentioned that they reconciled because I wonder if that can be used to argue the abuse allegations in court. If he were truly abusive, and if she is truly concerned about her daughter's safety, why would she keep getting back together with him? They were not living under the same roof the past few times they reconciled, just "dating," though she did spend nights at his place.

Has your brother requested that the Court send ALL parties for evaluation? Very often the Court will appoint someone to represent the best interest of the child - and that involves interviewing and evaluating ALL of the parties.

I am not sure. Is that something that they do often? How would he go about requesting that?

I'm surprised that the Court (apparently) continues to entertain motions by either party.

My brother has never taken her to court for anything. He has tried to be "the bigger person" throughout. He does not wish to take custody from the mother and has never tried to. He only wants to defend himself and retain his rights to his daughter. He wants what is in the best interests for his daughter, and he believes that it is in her best interest to be with her mother half the time. I cannot say the same for the mother. She has spent the past 2 years (when they have not been together) doing everything in her power to hurt my brother, even if it means her daughter is hurt in the process. Lately, she and her family have been telling my niece that there are wolves and monsters at her daddy's house so that she is afraid to go with him. They are trying to fill her little head with horrible ideas about her father. The child is a pawn to them. Whenever the mother gets angry with my brother she uses her daughter to punish him.

It must be frustrating for the family to be fighting this battle if they break up and reconcile - and then break up (and the name calling starts) again.

Yes it is and I can only hope he has learned his lesson this time. I cannot afford to continue giving my brother money to fight these battles every time the child's mother gets angry at him. It is stupid on his part to keep getting back together with her, but he does it because he wants his family back together and I suspect he still loves the child's mother despite everything.

[margog85]

Also, I would like to know how he can defend himself against the allegations of abuse? How does one prove that there is no abuse taking place? Is the onus on her to show evidence of abuse? It seems as if all that is needed to "prove" abuse is an accusation. When she had him arrested for domestic violence, there was no evidence, but he was still forced to take an anger management course.

Can he show her unsuccessful attempts to file a restraining order as proof that she is making false accusations?

Also, if he can prove that her claims are unsubstantiated, can he ask the court to pay his legal fees or sue her for defamation and emotional abuse?

[JudyKayTee]

Also, I would like to know how he can defend himself against the allegations of abuse? How does one prove that there is no abuse taking place? Is the onus on her to show evidence of abuse? It seems as if all that is needed to "prove" abuse is an accusation. When she had him arrested for domestic violence, there was no evidence, but he was still forced to take an anger management course.

Can he show her unsuccessful attempts to file a restraining order as proof that she is making false accusations?

Also, if he can prove that her claims are unsubstantiated, can he ask the court to pay his legal fees or sue her for defamation and emotional abuse?

She would have to PROVE abuse - it's a charge that is lightly thrown around the Courtroom. She pretty much needs witnesses. And, unfortunately, when it comes to family violence someone ends up suffering, whether that person is guilty.

Depends on why she DIDN'T get the restraining order. Would I mention her attempts? Certainly.

SHE accuses HIM of violence or being a danger to her and/or the child and then SHE takes him back? That looks bad for her.

What is said in Court proceedings is pretty much sheltered so I see no case for defamation, emotional distress, anything like that. If the Court limits his proof to the time since they last broke up he may have pretty much no chance at all. He basically needs to take a firm stand on this - I realize Attorneys are expensive but maybe he has to get the best he can afford, lay it all out on the line and go full steam ahead.

Sounds like this has been in and out and there have been agreements outside the Court - time for him (and you, because you appear to be financing this journey) to get tough, go for broke (so to speak), take a firm stand - and then stay away from her.

[JudyKayTee]

I find the "go potty" remark troubling, also, BUT there are certainly circumstances when this can happen. Again - someone has to interview all of the parties and determine if this is a legitimate concern. I would guess that the mother lives with the new boyfriend - if so it is unrealistic for her to get a sitter every time she leaves the house. Of course, if the boyfriend is a sex offender, well, then it's a whole different story.

We're on the same page as far as the abuse is concerned and this COULD go against the mother - she is going to argue that he is abusive BUT she reconciled with him and (presumably) put herself and the child in danger? Makes the allegation of abuse VERY hard to believe. The Court is not going to see the difference between reconciling and dating/spending the night together.

Your brother should make a request to the Court that the parties be evaluated - for all of the reasons you have stated. I appreciate that he has not started any of this but it looks like he will be the one who will have to end it.

And now is the time!

Very possibly he still does love her. Sounds like he does. Couldn't you just slap him? (That's not the legal advice.)

[margog85]

Judy - thank you so much for your advice. I have relayed everything you said to my brother. He is in the process of searching for a good attorney.

Just a couple more questions...

1. What can be done to put a stop to this once and for all? I fear this will never end, and she will continue bringing him to court, making false police reports, filing for restraining orders, etc.. She will stop at nothing until she is legally stopped. That is why I asked about suing or forcing her to pay legal fees. If she is forced to pay up or is "punished" in some way, she might think twice about it the next time she decides she wants to destroy his life.

2. My brother has an ex-wife who he has remained very good friends with. Would a letter from her to the court stating that he was a good husband and a good person in general help his case any? He also has an ex-girlfriend, friends, and family members who are willing to write letters on his behalf. Are letters to the court as a character reference an effective defense? Will the court take them into consideration?

Thanks!

[cdad]

Judy - thank you so much for your advice. I have relayed everything you said to my brother. He is in the process of searching for a good attorney.

Just a couple more questions...

1. What can be done to put a stop to this once and for all? I fear this will never end, and she will continue bringing him to court, making false police reports, filing for restraining orders, etc.. She will stop at nothing until she is legally stopped. That is why I asked about suing or forcing her to pay legal fees. If she is forced to pay up or is "punished" in some way, she might think twice about it the next time she decides she wants to destroy his life.

2. My brother has an ex-wife who he has remained very good friends with. Would a letter from her to the court stating that he was a good husband and a good person in general help his case any? He also has an ex-girlfriend, friends, and family members who are willing to write letters on his behalf. Are letters to the court as a character reference an effective defense? Will the court take them into consideration?

Thanks!

1) So long as she is the legal mother of the child there is no way of stopping it. The best is only to hold things back. With what is going on he really should seek full custody of the child. Other then that the only way to stop it completely would be for him to marry someone and have them adopt the child. Removing the bio mother from the picture.

2) Some courts allow it but many don't because there is no way to cross examine a piece of paper. As Judy has already said he should be asking for a parental evaluation at this time. During that letters etc can be admitted into evidence.

[margog85]

My brother doesn't want to go for full custody. He feels it would be harmful to the child to keep her from her mother, but I think if she does this again he will go for it.

As I said before, the mother often leaves the child with her mother, the grandmother. Daycare records show that the grandmother picks the child up and drops her off on most days. I believe that the child is spending much more time in the grandmother's care than in the mother's care. I am concerned about this for a few reasons.

First, the grandmother's son lives in the home. He is a known drug addict/dealer and has been arrested and spent time in prison on several possession w/ intent to sell charges and carrying a concealed weapon (I believe it was a firearm). He has stolen money from my niece's piggy bank to fund his drug habit.

Second, I don't trust the grandfather. A couple of years ago, when my brother and the baby's mother were on better terms, the mother's half-sister told my brother that her stepfather (the child's grandfather) had molested her when she was a child. Apparently, this was never reported to any authorities. The grandfather has no record that I am aware of. The sister seems to be on good terms with the family and would surely deny that she ever said this.

Can my brother ask the court to order the mother to not allow the child to be alone with her brother or father? Can he request that the court bar the mother from allowing the child to spend nights in the grandparents' home? And are these ground for petitioning the court for full custody?

Thanks!

[JudyKayTee]

Can my brother ask the court to order the mother to not allow the child to be alone with her brother or father? Can he request that the court bar the mother from allowing the child to spend nights in the grandparents' home? And are these ground for petitioning the court for full custody?

Thanks!

Yes - he can ask for just about conditions when it comes to custody but these matters are very difficult to enforce when the non-custodial parent is doing the requesting.

If he had custody of the child he could ask for supervised visitation and the Court could limit where the child goes, who the child spends time with, who is in the home.

This sounds like a really bad situation - if your brother wants to end this once and for all (and I agree with Califdad and congratulations to him, he's our new expert and knows his stuff) he HAS to file for custody and PROVE his allegations. It would probably be less costly and upsetting than continuing to go back to Court over and over.

If things are as bad as you say they are - and I know from your other posts that you don't exaggerate - it might very well be time for your brother to take custody before the child is physically or emotionally harmed.

I would recommend an Attorney who specializes in Family Law - I prefer a small firm rather than a large firm. I also prefer a young Lawyer (when funds are limited) because they very often are eager and trying to make a reputation for themselves. That Attorney will request the Court to order that all parties be evaluated - and that will include arrest records, Police Reports and the like for people who MIGHT associate with the family.

And I would tell your brother to have as little contact with this woman as possible - he must think first of the child.

[ScottGem]

One point I would add is this business of changing the child's name. There is no way to legally do this without the father's permission. On the other hand she can use whatever name she wants as long as there is no intent to defraud.

At this point EVERYTHING needs to go through the courts. The courts have to set a visitation schedule, set custody, set support etc. You brother should have the courts set all these things. Then if the mother does not allow what the court has ordered she can be fined or jailed for contempt of court.

As for the abuse allegations, if she continues with them and he has previous instances of such claims where he was exonerated, then he can sue the mother for malicious prosecution. The threat of legal action and potential loss of custody because of jail may put a stop to it.

[margog85]

One point I would add is this business of changing the child's name. there is no way to legally do this without the father's permission. On the other hand she can use whatever name she wants as long as there is no intent to defraud.

Right after the baby was born, when she was still in the hospital, she changed the last name from his to hers and changed the father from my brother to "father unknown." My brother did not find out about it until weeks after the baby was born. She must have done this fraudulently, though I really have no idea how she was able to do it.

As for the abuse allegations, if she continues with them and he has previous instances of such claims where he was exonerated, then he can sue the mother for malicious prosecution. The threat of legal action and potential loss of custody because of jail may put a stop to it.

That is what I am hoping for. Thank you for the advice!

[margog85]

My brother just found out that the mother of his child took the child out of state on vacation and never told him about it. They share parental responsibility. She originally asked him if she could take the child for a week, which would have interrupted his time with the child. He said no, so instead she took the child for just a few days during her time with the child. There is nothing in their parenting agreement explicitly stating that one cannot take the child out of state without the other parent's permission. It seems common sense to me, however, that the mother must at least inform the father of the child's whereabouts if the child is taken out of state. Is she legally able to take the child across state lines on her days without the father knowing where the child is going, where the child is staying, and who the child will be with?

Both parents live in the state of Florida.

Thanks!

[smoothy]

Not sure about Florida law on that, but I know New York Law prevented it. I knew a woman that did that, (but she WAS gone more than a few weeks too) and got a court order demanding she return or forfeit her custody.

[GV70]

Q:Can a parent take a child out of state without telling the other parent?
A; Yes
Q:Is she legally able to take the child across state lines on her days without the father knowing where the child is going, where the child is staying, and who the child will be with?
A:Yes,she is legally able to do it if it does not violate their visitation schedule.

There is nothing in their parenting agreement explicitly stating that one cannot take the child out of state without the other parent's permission.

There is no need...

My brother just found out that the mother of his child took the child out of state on vacation...She originally asked him if she could take the child for a week, which would have interrupted his time with the child. He said no...

Sorry but I cannot understand... your brother is against his child to have vacation??

[ScottGem]

Does your brother have a copy of the birth certificate he signed? Does he know who was there when he signed the certificate? If he can prove that she perjuered herself by changing the birth certificate after he signed it, that's another point against her.

[J_9]

Right after the baby was born, when she was still in the hospital, she changed the last name from his to hers and changed the father from my brother to "father unknown."

While she is in the hospital she can change that name a million times if she so wishes. All she has to do is call the Vital Records Department of the hospital and ask for new forms.

[ScottGem]

While she is in the hospital she can change that name a million times if she so wishes. All she has to do is call the Vital Records Department of the hospital and ask for new forms.

Even after the father signed them?

[J_9]

Yes, they are not permanent until sent into the state department of vital records. I have mom's who change their minds all the time at work.

[cdad]

Even after the father signed them?

Yes because the mother is the one that names the child regardless of the father until the point of leaving the hospital.