[bigK]

Hi everyone,
I never thought I would be doing this, but I'm kind of stuck in a situation and thought this might me the best unbiased opinion other than the usual friends and parents opinion. I have an important weekend coming up that has kind of sprung up on me. I have been with my girlfriend for just under 2 and a half years and things have changed/will change for both of us in the next 6 months or so. As of now, I go to college and my girlfriend graduated already with an Assoc degree and I finish this up coming spring. She already has a job near the college that we met at. Needless to say we have done so much with each other in the time we have been together. We enjoy so many activities together and it has been a great relationship. There have been tough times before because of the distance and especially this summer as we didn't see each other all the time because of an internship I was doing.

When this fall semester started we were doing great but all of a sudden she was having anxiety attacks about things. Especially our relationship and other personal things she had to deal with. I had never seen her like this and it scared me. Things had deteriorated quickly and we were on the brink of breakup, but we kept it together. About a three weeks ago we both new that things that we had ignored for a while had to be dealt with. Since then, she told me that she wanted to just ease into things, which I totally understood. Up until this week we were starting to become who were again and I was recognizing that I needed to give her more attention and call her more often. Then yesterday and today she has mentioned that I have smothered her as of late and that she needs her space... the exact things that she said she needed from me. She also has said that she needs to find out who she is again as well as maybe taking a break. Little things like less texts and not answering calls have also happened lately when she used to do that. We had planned for two weeks that I'm coming to see her for this weekend. She still wants to do that and we are going to have dinner with my parents and spend Saturday and part of Sunday together.

I can sense this weekend is important and does she because we are going to be going through a big change soon with me graduating the possibility of working somewhere other than where she works now. Basically long distance again, which both of us don't want, but I'm willing to stay close to her if things are going to work out well. Over the past month I've felt that we have grown stronger and that this may be the girl that I want to possibly marry. Yet the past few days have put me in a rut. In addition to her comments she still talks about christmas etc etc and the things we might do together. Sorry for the book... but how should I take this weekend. Treat her like a queen which I wanted to do or take it easy and not put myself out there? I feel like if I treat her go out of my way for things that she may think that it is just to get her not to take a break with us. Guess I'm just looking for a little advice on things I should say and things I shouldn't do. I don't want to deal wth the up and down in our relationship again that has occurred lately. Thank you for your opinion

[s_cianci]

I'd take it easy and not put yourself out there. She asked for a break, correct? So give it to her. In the future, don't be so attentive as that only pushes women away. Even if they say that's what they want from you, it's still a big turn-off. Being aloof and mysterious is the key.

[talaniman]

You are both confused as to where this relationship is going.

Things had deteriorated quickly and we were on the brink of breakup, but we kept it together.

And now

Since then, she told me that she wanted to just ease into things

And now you face a continuation of a long distance relationship. I don't think she will go for it to be honest. Time to talk and I suggest being together.

[kp2171]

If you find yourself worrying all the time about whether you are making her happy, its not good.

It is natural to fret and worry a little whenever relationships are challenged or even when things are going well... sometimes taking it to the next level can be hard to face...

My first impression is that she's probably struggling with staying in the relationship. If she's starting to back out a little that might explain her behaviour. Asking you to be more attentive to try to make her feel more of what she's losing, and then asking you to back off when she's frustrated that it isn't working.

And then maybe this is other stress projected onto the relationship. You give no details about what the issues you had to deal with were.

Here's the best thing you can do... talk to her. Don't get angry, try to be calm, but let her know you are confused. That she wanted attention and now she doesn't. What does that mean.

One way to find out bad news is to open the door. A person might be thinking about breaking up but can't bring themselves to do it. I know its not what you want, but you really want the TRUTH, right? Good or bad?

So... calmly ask her if she thinks she needs to break it off. Would it be better for her. Get her talking. You opening the topic up might get her to ease into it better, even if the answer is she absolutely doesn't want to break it off.

In the end... an anything-to-save-the-relationship isn't a good approach. Again, if you are spending time and energy working to make her happy, its not sustainable. Yes, relationships take some work. Yes, its good not to give up when things hit rough spots.

But in the end you are responsible for your own happiness. You can hopefully be a good steward to yourself and not have that be a conflict with your relationship. If you find yourself working too hard all the time, its time to back away.