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blueandred · May 16, 2010, 10:21 PM

We are both 25, and have been together for 5 years.
Normally I would be OK with her going if it was just a "girl" trip, but that isn't the case here. This trip includes guys and girls, all of whom are in my girlfriend's "group" of friends.
Even though I do not hang out with them all on a regular basis, I still know them all very well and get along with them.

They (my girlfriend included) are big drinkers and "club rats", whereas I am not. I am a big gambler though, so I told her that I would be happy to send her on her way during the night so she can go clubbing, while I hit the tables and play some cards.

I thought this was a very fair compromise, as we both get to do what we want.

However, even when I offered this, she still does not want me to go. She even went so far as to say "If you go, I'm not going".

We have gone on many trips before, including several trips to Vegas in smaller groups, but this time (with her whole group of friends going), she does not wish me to be there.

I do trust her, and I don't believe anything is happening between her and any of the "guys" in that group, but I have to wonder:

What is motivating her to feel this way? What should I do? Should I let her go? Should I make a stand?

Thanks for the advice.

I should also mention that there are other "significant others" going, if that makes a difference.

hheath541 · May 16, 2010, 10:26 PM

Maybe she just wants some time with just her friends. If you're not worried about her cheating, then stop working yourself up. Everyone needs time away from their partner on occasion. Let her go and have fun.

Romefalls19 · May 17, 2010, 05:12 AM

Eh I'd be a little worried too. There has to be a reason for her to be acting this way about wanting you to stay home. Other partners are going, but she doesn't want you to go. I'd confront and ask her why she doesn't want you to go

talaniman · May 17, 2010, 05:30 AM

This is a tough one, as maybe she wants some time away from you but that's something that she should just tell you, no big deal. But to just take a stand and not budge without conversation, and reassurance is quite disturbing.

I would tell her that its not a big deal, but would get a reason. What else has been going on in this relationship?

slapshot_oi · May 17, 2010, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by blueandred

She even went so far as to say "If you go, I'm not going".

This is a red-flag no matter how you slice it. Even if she doesn't plan on cheating on you, she flat-out doesn't want your company, this is a problem.

Although I do agree with hheath541 in that everyone needs time away from their partners, Vegas is not the place to do it. There's too much temptation there; beautiful weather, gambling, sex, and alcohol is served 24 hours a day. I just came from there, my first time, one hell of a trip.

I'd make a stand if I were you. She will respond with "why, you don't trust me?", but you posted here, so you do question her trust although you tell us otherwise, so be honest with her. If she gets defensive, that's another red flag. If she's understanding as I hope she would be because almost every boyfriend would have an issue if they were you, then you guys need to talk it out.

I wish · May 17, 2010, 08:03 AM

I'm going with a different angle here.

Seems pretty clear what she wants. She wants to go alone. Which makes this a high risk high reward type of situation.

Look at it this way, you've been together for 5 years. Allowing her to go alone is a true leap of faith on your part, but you should so trust the relationship that you've built up to this point.

When she comes back, she will either be really happy that you let her go and she will trust you more.

Or, things take a turn for the worst and you might break up. But if you were to break up, that means your relationship was very fragile in the first place and you were going to break up anyway. The Vegas trip is only a trigger.

I would say, take that leap of faith and it will demontrate how strong your relationship really is. No point dragging out a relationship that is bound to end.

Jake2008 · May 17, 2010, 09:52 PM

This may sound a bit mean, but seriously- they are going to party and hit the clubs- all of them together. Meanwhile back at the farm, you are there gambling, completely different activity to what they intend to do. It sort of puts all of them, in an awkward position of having to fit you in, or meet up with you, or schedule a time for dinner etc.

I doubt you would be happy gambling the entire time away, and would expect her to spend time with you. Which is not the point. She wants to spend time with her friends. She might not like the idea of you being there because she isn't free to do what she wants, without coming into the hotel room at night, and thinking you may not approve, or she has to answer to you, etc.

What you want to do is different than what she wants to do. It's that simple.

They sound like a close knit group, some are couples, and I don't see where you have anything to worry about. They all have a desire to go to Vegas together to do what they like to do, which is not what you like to do. It hasn't got anything to do with you liking them, or they liking you.

Say you liked fishing with your buddies, and your girlfriend didn't like to fish. But, she goes along and is a real stick in the mud, sitting in the boat, bored to death, listening to like minded individuals that you have fishing in common with. Wouldn't she be farther ahead just to stay home? She is a bit of a party pooper, and your friends don't feel free to cuss and pee in the lake etc. with her there.

May not be a great comparison, but you get my drift.

Trust her to go with her friends and have a good time. Don't read too much into this, and accept that from time to time, she may just need time with her friends, without you.

Showme_urmove · May 17, 2010, 11:33 PM

Everyone here has given you a really good advice, from different angles.

Let me give you my thoughts.
Don't focus on things you cannot control, you can't control her emotions or actions, So why bother worrying about it.
If you hold your ground and not let her go, believe me you and her will have the fight of your life. But if you give her what she wishes, like what they said, she would either love you more cause you understand or she would act different cause she did something wrong. Use this as the test of your relationship, if she fails the test, its better to know now then when you two are married.
I know its hard to just sit back and let your GF go to vegas without you, but just hope this will let you really know if she is faithful or she's hiding something on the side. The truth will come out, THE GOOD OR BAD you will find out after the trip.
Hope things goes well for you!

LJDK · May 18, 2010, 03:23 AM

Personally I would make a stand. I stand firm when it comes to going out with other men, even if girls are involved. Hell, people might say that's poison to a relationship. Bah. I strongly disagree. Why put yourself in a situation of temptation.

I have no issue if it's a girls only thing, but the moment other guys are involved I either go with, or she doesn't go. If my fiancé changes our agreement sand starts saying its idiotic, or whatever the case may be... well that's the day I send her packing.

I will not allow it. Point. End of story. Everyone makes a mistake once in a while thus my statement. And allowing her to go well... lets see. Booze. Check. People making out all around her. Check. Other available men in the group. Check. Opportunity to cheat in moment of weakness. Check.

Nope. Sorry. I will make a stand.

Devorameira · May 18, 2010, 10:11 AM

She has a right to have a life without you. Just because you're her boyfriend doesn't mean you have to be involved in every aspect of her life.

You indicated that these are HER friends and never once referred to them as YOUR friends. Since you haven’t completely fit in well enough to consider them as YOUR friends after a 5 year relationship, my guess is that she just wants to go have a good time with HER friends. When friends try to include someone who’s not part of the group (or who doesn’t fit in), it can spoil the fun.

I know you said that you’d gamble and she could do her own thing, but with you being there she would still be obligated to spend time with you that she’s been looking forward to spending with her friends.

I think you should trust her and tell her to go and have a good time. Just because she wants to hang out with her friends and have fun doesn't mean she’s looking for another man or wants sex. Just ask her to not get too drunk because you don't want her to do anything she'll regret.

blueandred · May 19, 2010, 05:08 AM

I just want to thank everyone for all their feedback!

I never thought I'd get such thoughtful, caring answers.

I have really seen the value in everyone's points, and I will make my decision accordingly.

Non-related issue: I am so impressed with this site in general and the awesome support, that I will try to make a conscious effort to become a valued member of this community!

hheath541 · May 19, 2010, 05:14 AM

This is a good site with some really amazing members. I'm glad you like it here, and hope to see more of you.

Devorameira · May 19, 2010, 05:40 AM

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

mjk55 · Jun 2, 2010, 04:54 PM

If you keep going to the barbershop all the time, sooner or later your going to get your haircut. I think you should date someone else with more of the same common values as you have. Sure even in a relationship people need their own friends. Away time for me is golfing with my friends, for her its lunch with her girlfriends. We don't go on overnight vacations with members of the opposite sex. Regardless of trust, why bother putting yourself in that situation?