[tyvm27]

I have been married for 5 yrs. I have always had feelings for my ex that never seemed to go away. We had a really bad break up. He dumped me with no reason, and I never seemed to "get over it". We talked onces right after, but never talked about our relationship. Skip forward years later and we are both married to other people. I'm not thinking about an affair, I would never want to rip my family appart. However, I think I made a mistake marrying my husband while still having unresolved feelings for another man. If it was going to end, I just needed some closure. I've always wanted to tell my ex how much I loved him and how he hurt me. I feel that holding these feelings in prevents me from having the kind of intamacy with my husband that I should have. So... after saying all of that... my question is... Should I contact my ex with a letter or email, or meet him in person and tell him or just to get this off my chest? Or should I somehow just let it go? And how can I do that? Seems like I've done everything to get over these feelings. Thanks.

[talaniman]

I think your not alone having the need for closure after a break up. But you have to understand that accepting that its over, even with a lot you feel was unsaid, is your best option.

Of course those unresolved feelings may never get resolved but you can still deal with them for what they are, old feelings that you have not let go of.

Since your both married to others, obviously it would not be fair to reopen those old wounds, or have any contact with the ex, that will surely distract you from the real reason you have for your lack of true intimacy with your husband.

Using old feelings as an excuse, is not acceptable, nor is acting on those old feelings. Your true path to happiness lies in working with your husband for resolution to your issues with him, not being distracted by the lack of closure from the past as you have the power to let the past go, and live in the reality of NOW, and what's right in front of you.

Take that path with your husband, and stop looking for reasons outside of the two of you.

Why even open up old wounds, without giving your new life the full attention it need? Why did you even get married if you were not willing to work on things, even if they don't work later?

No, do not look for solutions to present problems in the past, as that's a disaster waiting to happen, even if he has time to talk to you as he is married, so under absolutely no circumstances do you drag him into your mess. That's cruel, selfish, and unfair to him.

Talk to your own husband, and resolve those issues that have you thinking so much of better times. Maybe you just got married to soon after your break up, with out the proper healing. Who can know? But going back, is not a good answer, or option.

[Shadowburn]

Talaniman gave you a great advice. Your ex is not a solution to your problems with your husband. If you can't find an answer yourself, maybe you could see a therapist to sort things out. And no, please do not contact your ex, he is married and you have to respect that. Think how his wife would feel when some woman from her husband's past would reappear in his life to resolve some of her issues - that is just a disaster waiting to happen. And think how humiliated you would feel if you'd spill your guts out and he won't even respond to your contact - he may be happily married and totally forgotten about you.

[Fr_Chuck]

You want a answer to something where often there is no closure that will make you happy, he was tired of you, perhaps did not like something's you were doing, or maybe they even were seeing someone else.

Guess what, they are not going to tell you that, then or now,
The fact that is is over, and it was over

What you need to look at now is the current marriage or it may soon be over also and you will want some sort of closure after that.

[Jake2008]

I would recommend closure, but not directly with the ex.

You have already identified unresolved issues that you never had the opportunity to say to him face to face. They have lingered for far too long, and it's time to get down to business and deal with them.

Get yourself a writing pad and a pen.

Write a letter to 'George'. Tell him everything that you would tell him to his face. You can call him every name in the book, refer to happy times, go through the end of the relationship, and admit that you have hung onto too much, for far too long, and it's time to let him go.

Let yourself cry, laugh, be angry, stomp and pout if you have to, but get it out, and I mean all of it.

When you are satisfied that what you have written covers all that you have held onto for so long, put it in the kitchen sink, and set a match to it. Say goodbye, it's over. You have dealt with it in a healthy, productive way that won't hurt you, or your husband.

Then get a bottle of wine, snuggle up with your husband, and thank your lucky stars that you didn't cross that line.

[QLP]

I agree with Jake (won't let me greenie). If those feelings just won't abate, no amount of us saying 'hey get over it' will help.

You were badly hurt and sometimes it is just really hard to move on and it can impact negatively on our present relationships. Don't go looking for closure from your ex though, you need to find it within yourself.

Jake's suggestion of writing a letter is excellent, burn it as she says, don't send it. This isn't about making your ex see how you feel it is about you finding a way to deal with it.

If the letter doesn't work consider getting some counselling.

Do whatever it takes to work toward some closure on the past then see how happy you feel in this marriage. Hopefully resolving the past will work wonders, if you still aren't happy then you can examine your feeling towards your present marriage without the complications from the past.

I wish you well.

[tyvm27]

Thank you all for your advice. There has been a lot of things pointed out that I never saw before. I am def. going to take some of the advice given to help my situation, thanks again!