[hornethookup]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 5 years. We have not lived together yet. Recently, she has had these feelings that she wants to be independent from me. Several times now she has moved on those feelings, asking/telling me that she wants to go on a break. Each time she did that, however, she would call the very next day and apologize and ask me to forgive her.

In response to her recent thoughts, I have given her as much space as possible. We only see each other every other weekend, and I have left her on her own to take care of herself (wellness/finances/etc), yet we still talk everyday.

Finally, last night, she went through the same scenario as before, telling me that she wants to take a break. Even though she wants to split, she told me that she still loves me and she still wants to talk to me daily.

I told her that I would not be willing to do that, and by leaving me, I will stop all communications. I felt it was unfair to me to still be in contact with her if we did go through this split.

We ended the conversation with her in tears, she saying she loves me, but that she needs the break.

I am upset (obviously because she feels this way), but what makes it even worse is that this decision comes at a point in my life where everything seems to be converging together in a negative light. I recently was laid off from my job of 6 years, most of my friends have moved away (for school/work), my bills seem to be overflowing, and my grandmother is currently in the hospital. She was the only positive thing I could turn to, yet now I have shut her out.

My questions are:
1. What is going through her head?
2. It is wrong to make an attempt to get her back so soon? Or should I let her go in the hopes that she will return?

Thanks!

[Larken85]

It sounds like she does not know what she wants out of life. She needs her time to figure it out. But I agree with you, keeping contact is a bad idea. How would you feel if during one of those breaks she just decides to sleep with another man? You'd be pretty angry I'm sure. Break or no break it is not OK for her to do that. However I would also say that it is best to walk away if she doesn't figure it out soon. It sucks I know, but it will take a lot of pressure off you believe me.

I am one of those break up success stories you red about. I have left my mentally and emotionally abusive fiancé (even though I loved her more than life and it was the hardest decision I have ever made) and boom, here I am only two weeks later and I feel so much better honestly. The on again off again relationship has to be putting a huge burden on you, how about giving you and your emotions a break.

She seriously needs to get her feelings strait. I can tell by your post that you are already plain sick of the breaks and talks of leaving. It will not get better with time if she does not change her way of dealing with these things. And do you really want to marry a person that is going to need to take breaks from you? Do you really want to see how much things will change when you move in together? Believe me, it will not be pretty if you let this go on any longer.

[talaniman]

Sorry for your loss, but by leaving her alone, I think you both can be free to handle your own issues without each other.

That's the way it has to work sometimes so leave her alone and get your own thing back together.

Stand on your own two feet.

[Romefalls19]

First thing, get back on your feet. Don't worry about the girl until you can take care of yourself. She wants this break, and by the way you tell it, she doesn't even know if she wants this relationship it's so on and off. Do you really want to ride that roller coaster for the rest of your life?

[Ash123]

YOU ASKED:
1. What is going through her head?
2. It is wrong to make an attempt to get her back so soon? Or should I let her go in the hopes that she will return?

I SAY:

1.) She is thinking about what she wants in life and doesn't want the stress of losing a companion.
2) It is wrong. Yes. Do not chase.
Don't be mean. Just say you would not be comfortable with that right now is all.

MY QUESTION:
Could you/would you want to marry this girl today? Think about it.

[Showme_urmove]

Hey man really sorry your time and investment of 5 yrs had to end like this.
You said she had been asking for the break for many times now, but when she does it she comes crying to you saying I'm sorry and please lets be together. You being a man in love easily took her back not once but more then enough, sadly to say nothing was being worked on why she feels like she wants to take a break, you did your part to make sure she was getting her space, but its far more deeper then just space, you didn't bother digging deep to the problem, and the result you ended up having a broken heart.

Ask yourself this, you had invested your time and effort to be with her for 5 yrs, you know for sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her. But her in the other hand no longer feel the same as she did in the beginning. Can you really be with a person that can't make her mind up after 5 yrs. She doesn't know what she wants, and she wants to make sure you're their on the side just to make sure if she does make a big mistake your there to come back to.

Can you handle that, handle a type of girl that can't make up her mind. Sounds to me she wants something new in her life, you need to know that you deserve someone better.

You said you lost your job and some of your friends moved away, sorry to hear that your grandma is in the hospital.
You don't want to feel dependent on her. Don't be with her because your life is going downhill for now, its all temporary, use this as an energy to better yourself, better your character, and let not failure overcome your future. GOD does not put obstacles in your life that you cannot handle.
Believe me I know cause I kind of went through the same as you did.
your best years is not from the past but is to come. persevere and be positive cause its always easy to stay negative.

[artstar]

Wow. This sounds like my situation. 5 years. I was completely committed while girlfriend hints several times that she wants to break up. Finally does it. I deal with it. I'm happier now. And now I get hints that she wants to keep in contact. And I'm 90% sure that it's because she wants a safety net. She walks out on me after all my efforts and now she wants me there "just in case". Selfish much? I just don't see any logic in leaving someone yet still wanting to be friends - other than a backup plan especially so soon after the breakup.

There are times when I do miss her. But every time I think about what's really going on, I lose the feeling. We can't let ourselves be controlled like this. These girls want their cake and us to spoon feed them.

[Devorameira]

Nobody knows what she's thinking, but whatever it is, it isn't a good move for a relationship.

When a healthy relationship is having problems, you both work the problems out together. There is nothing worked out when two people are separated.

It sounds to me like she's just not happy in this relationship, but is hesitant to totally break off with you because she's afraid she won't find anyone better. She'd rather just hold on to you by a thread.

You're right in totally stopping communication with her. Don't let her use you... Move on and stay NC.

[almz444]

I am having the same problem, I just want to let you know that you are not alone. We just have to try and have a close relationship with God, that is the relationship that really matters, he will guide us, and comfort us and give us the answers.