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jellyfish1981 · Oct 22, 2009, 10:43 AM

Entire story merged

Hi everyone,

I have been in an interracial relationship with my boyfriend (I am an Indian and he is Caucasian) for 4 1/2 years now. Due to a family emergency he had to move to a different country and now we are in a long distance. Everything was going great till he told me that he has a long weekend off and that he is
Going to travel to another country with a female friend. I have never met this girl and he has known her only for three months or so. This disturbed me a lot and when I objected he started protesting saying that she is just a friend and absolutely nothing is going to happen and stated that I am being prudish about it. I don't know at this point whether it is an indian thing or if any one would object to their other half taking off like that.

Please help I really need some perspective.

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 10:46 AM

I agree it is not appropriate when in a monogamous relationship to vacation with the opposite sex, just friend or not. This is complicated further by the long distance relationship. (American - Caucasian perspective)

amicon · Oct 22, 2009, 10:57 AM

I don't think you re being a prude, I d react the same way as you. How often do the two of you manage to see each other?

jellyfish1981 · Oct 22, 2009, 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I agree it is not appropriate when in a monogamous relationship to vacation with the opposite sex, just friend or not. This is complicated further by the long distance relationship. (American - Caucasian perspective)

I don't know how to deal with this situation. He is leaving this weekend and I don't think I should stop him. Do you think its something people break up over?

tchalla · Oct 22, 2009, 11:01 AM

Has your boyfriend ever given you any reason not to trust him? If he has always been faithful and honest why do you have a problem with him going? Seems to me that due to your current long-distance situation it would be easy to hide/cover up who he was going with. The fact that he was honest should be reasuring. You can't be worried that he will fall in love with every girl he meets, if you are meant to be then you will be. If you make this trip difficult for him he will resent you for it.

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 11:01 AM

Originally Posted by jellyfish1981

I don't know how to deal with this situation. He is leaving this weekend and I don't think i should stop him. do you think its something people break up over?

That is going to have to be your choice. His disregard of your feelings leaves little to the imagination about where he stands on your relationship. You can not force him to stay home and not take his vacation, but his choice to take the vacation is something that I personally would make a stand about and that includes breaking up.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 22, 2009, 11:02 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

I dont think you re being a prude, I d react the same way as you. How often do the two of you manage to see each other?

HE moved away in July since then I have seen him once for two weeks but I will see him again twice in December and then every month after that till march at least. Haven't yet planned anything beyond that

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by tchalla

Has your boyfriend ever given you any reason not to trust him? If he has always been faithful and honest why do you have a problem with him going? Seems to me that due to your current long-distance situation it would be easy to hide/cover up who he was going with. The fact that he was honest should be reasuring. You can't be worried that he will fall in love with every girl he meets, if you are meant to be then you will be. If you make this trip difficult for him he will resent you for it.

I have to strongly disagree with this.

There is no amount of trust that makes it appropriate for the opposite sex to vacation together when in a monogamous relationship. This isn't an issue of trust this is an issue of what is appropriate when you love and care about a partner.

They could have been married for fifty years, this 'friendship' is newer than the relationship and a 'friendship' doesn't involve long weekends away together.

tchalla · Oct 22, 2009, 11:31 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I have to strongly disagree with this.

There is no amount of trust that makes it appropriate for the opposite sex to vacation together when in a monogamous relationship. This isn't an issue of trust this is an issue of what is appropriate when you love and care about a partner.

They could have been married for fifty years, this 'friendship' is newer than the relationship and a 'friendship' doesn't involve long weekends away together.

I think it has everything to do with trust, I mean that is the issue here. Her boyfriend has given her no reason not to trust him, what has he done wrong? Are you seriously considering breaking up with him over this? Are you worried that this new friend of 3 1/2 months will sweep your man off his feet and start a new life without you? If that is a possible outcome then how can you prevent it from happening anyway? What is being paranoid and possesive going to achieve? From the looks of it you and your boyfriend have good communication. You have no idea who/what this girl is to him, why are you thinking the worst?

redhed35 · Oct 22, 2009, 11:31 AM

I would have a problem with this,I don't think its about trust but as justwantfair said,he is not taking your feelings into consideration.

Is there a reason why he can't come see you on his vacation?

My problem would be this,even though you know him and trust him,this is a new friendship,I would not trust her motives.

They would be travelling together,eating out together,laughing and having fun... there is a strong possibility that intimacy could occur.

How would he feel if you did the same thing?

Also,I would question why he is going on holiday with someone he hardly knows.

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by tchalla

I think it has everything to do with trust, I mean that is the issue here. Her boyfriend has given her no reason not to trust him, what has he done wrong? Are you seriously considering breaking up with him over this? Are you worried that this new friend of 3 1/2 months will sweep your man off his feet and start a new life without you? If that is a possible outcome then how can you prevent it from happening anyway? What is being paranoid and possesive going to achieve? From the looks of it you and your boyfriend have good communication. You have no idea who/what this girl is to him, why are you thinking the worst?

I have never and would never cheat on my partner, but I would expect him to have the same reaction if I chose a holiday with another guy because he was unavailable to holiday with me.

I would feel the same should I be in the OPs situation.

Breaking up is about the fact that a relationship is a partnership, you won't always agree, but you should agree to work out situations in a way that you can both live with. The fact that her feelings do not mean anything to him and in fact he deflected the situation to make her feel like a prude was not working for a relationship. I don't think that I would ever find this situation appropriate, no matter how much I trusted my partner.

slapshot_oi · Oct 22, 2009, 11:44 AM

Keeping long distance relationships is tough. It's somewhat surprising that he'd even tell you this. You have good cause to be suspicious.

And a word of advice: the one they say you need not worry about, is the one you need to worry about.

Originally Posted by tchalla

I think it has everything to do with trust, I mean that is the issue here. Her boyfriend has given her no reason not to trust him, what has he done wrong? Are you seriously considering breaking up with him over this? Are you worried that this new friend of 3 1/2 months will sweep your man off his feet and start a new life without you? If that is a possible outcome then how can you prevent it from happening anyway? What is being paranoid and possesive going to achieve? From the looks of it you and your boyfriend have good communication. You have no idea who/what this girl is to him, why are you thinking the worst?

Why is she thinking the worst? Hello! Because they live in two separate countries, and above all, it's just weird! Who goes on a harmless vacation with someone they barely know? No one, unless there's some ulterior motives there.

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by overayear

overayear disagrees: I think that people in relationships are allowed to have friends. Just because they are of the oppsite sex dosent mean anything. He told her about the trip and who he would be going with, he could of easily lied if he was trying to be Malicious.

'Rate this answer' - is not about rating whether you disagree with my opinion. You can only disagree with incorrect facts, please read the rules of the website.

I never said that he couldn't have female friends, I said that it was inappropriate to holiday together when he is in a relationship. It disrespects his relationship no matter how wonderful their relationship is.

Jayjay027 · Oct 22, 2009, 11:59 AM

No I'm afraid I would not be happy with this at all.
If he loves you and really cares about your feelings, he wouldn't have even considered going away with some girl.

I really don't think that this is a trust issue, because any woman in love with her man would hate to be in this position, because its an unfair position for him to put you in!

It's entirely up to you whether to brak up with him over it, but I would let him know that you are thinking about it because of his actions and dismissal of your feelings.

overayear · Oct 22, 2009, 12:00 PM

I would initially question it because I think its in everyone nature to, but if my girlfriend has never gave me a reason not to trust her then I think she should be able to have fun and have friends. I think relationship last longer when you give the other person freedom to be who they are. It could be very harmless but we automatically assume that its going to be a way for them to cheat. If your other half is going to cheat, they are going to do it regardless of anything you do. That's reality so to sit there and worry about things that may or may never happen is a waste of time and emotions.

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by overayear

I would initially question it because I think its in everyone nature to, but if my girlfriend has never gave me a reason not to trust her then I think she should be able to have fun and have friends. I think relationship last longer when you give the other person freedom to be who they are. It could be very harmless but we automatically assume that its going to be a way for them to cheat. If your other half is going to cheat, they are going to do it regardless of anything you do. That’s reality so to sit there and worry about things that may or may never happen is a waste of time and emotions.

These are two different issues. It isn't about having friends of the opposite sex, it's about spending a weekend away with the opposite sex. I don't think the OP ever said that she had a problem with the friendship with the female, just with the holiday weekend away.

So if the OP takes issue with the getaway weekend, which she does, why does that make her wrong. I don't even have to believe that my partner would cheat to not want him to go away for a holiday without me and with some new 'friend'. He will give up one year for a friend of three months... it says something about where he stands on their relationship.

paxe · Oct 22, 2009, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

These are two different issues. It isn't about having friends of the opposite sex, it's about spending a weekend away with the opposite sex. I don't think the OP ever said that she had a problem with the friendship with the female, just with the holiday weekend away.

So if the OP takes issue with the getaway weekend, which she does, why does that make her wrong. I don't even have to believe that my partner would cheat to not want him to go away for a holiday without me and with some new 'friend'. He will give up one year for a friend of three months... it says something about where he stands on their relationship.

That is your opinion and the fact that he is going with a friend means nothing about the relationship. If he wanted to cheat or else he wouldn`t have said he is going on a trip. I understand that there should be some uneasiness about the fact that he is going on a trip but a relationship is all about trust.

If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. If that person then breaks up the trust, I would be much happier knowing I can find a person worthy of my trust.

Are you arguing about the fact that 2 friends, male and female, in relationships cannot go together in a vacation without their bf/gf?

If I went out with my female friends and it made it every time uneasy to my girlfriend, should I bow to her wishes and never see my female friends?

And by the way, the rate the answer is about opinions, not about facts.

I wish · Oct 22, 2009, 12:50 PM

There are multiple issues at hand here. It's not one specific issue.

1) His behavior is definitely extremely fishy. So I suggest that you proceed with caution. You don't just become friends with a girl for 3 months and then run off with them on a trip.

2) There is also the issue of trust. If you trust him, then you wouldn't be as bothered, but still bothered by this trip. There's no question that this trip is a red flag, but if you trust him, then you wouldn't worry as much. Remember, no trust = no relationship. So if you don't even trust him, it doesn't even matter who he goes with on this trip.

3) Regardless of his fishy behavior and the trust factor, it sounds like your relationship has many more problems. His vacation is a very risky move. Of course it will upset you, so if he's willing to take this kind of risk, it sounds like he's pretty much ready to break up. Furthermore, I find it disturbing that he feels that you're overreacting. You're just reacting naturally and he can't blame you for that. In my opinion, this relationship was in trouble well before this trip was planned.

Justwantfair · Oct 22, 2009, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

And by the way, the rate the answer is about opinions, not about facts.

You have been a member for a long time to not understand the rules about the 'Rate Answer' feature.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

overayear · Oct 22, 2009, 01:18 PM

I don't think that they are two different issues at all. The point I was trying to make was that he should be able to have FRIENDS, regardless if they are of the opposite sex or not. So he wants to go on a trip with a friend of his who he most likely has things in common with or feels that he would have a good time with. I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex that I would love to go on a trip with. I have never had any feelings for these ladies besides friendship. They are my friends! I feel that if it bothers her that much then maybe he isn't the type of man she should be with. Also I never said she was wrong for feeling the way she does. If those are her feelings then like I said previously maybe he isn't the guy she should be with. Why should he be giving up anything? (He will give up one year for a friend of three months). I think to automatically assume that something is going on is the wrong approach.