[Blue Jean Baby]

It’s been a year and two months. They try to tell you love fades with time, but I tell you there is no such thing as time. I had been with this guy for about a year a half starting the summer before my senior year in high school. He was never that great of a guy. The first six months of us being together we had an ‘open relationship’, his choice not mine. During that time he slept with my best friend and well only god knows whom else. But I was infatuated.

He finally asked me out and soon after he told me how he loved me also. Things started going our way. The next six months of our relationship was pretty amazing. He was a ty boyfriend I would have to say. But I loved him. He cared more about his friends and getting high then he ever did about me. We broke up twice but got back together within the same week both times.
Soon after I moved out of my parent’s house, and he just sort of lived there with me. He didn’t have a job at that time, wasn’t going to school, and I think I lost all respect for him. Things between us started to get really bad. We would get in fights that were so horrible my roommate (male) would come in and ask me if he needed to kick my boyfriend out. I asked my boyfriend to leave all the time, but he never would. So I would just leave my own apartment. I had been trying to break things off with him for a while when one of his ex girlfriends got into contact with me asking me if I was dating him. She told me how they had been talking and such things but all our friends tell her that I am dating him. So that was the last straw for me. I know he loved me and I know he didn’t really want that girl, but it was a good escape.
We have all the same friends so it was hard at first, always seeing each other. He tired to get everyone to stop hanging out with me so finally I just gave in a moved on completely, made all new friends, got a new boyfriend, things were going pretty well for me. But he was always calling always wanting to hang out and I would just throw it all in his face, me moving on I mean. Things got pretty horrible, and I know I hurt him a lot. I was so cold.
So about 6 months went by with him begging for me back every day, and me throwing it all in this face. I don’t know what happened but suddenly I started to get feelings for him again. I broke things off with the guy I was dating at the time and started to hang out more with the ex. I told him I wanted to be with him again and he seemed happy and excited.
Things were great for about a week, and all the sudden I noticed he had these new female friends that he paid attention to more than me. I got jealous and one night we were hanging out with a lot of friends and he kept ignoring me all night. When those girls were going to leave he said to me I am going to go walk them out. I told him he shouldn’t do that but of course he did anyway. When he walked back up I threw my beer in his face and went to leave. He chased after me yelling hysterically. I tried to just leave but he kept grabbing me and throwing me around. We got into a horrible horrible fight; I was bleeding and crying I just didn’t know what to do. I was so scared and hurt.
So I now roles are reversed I am the one chasing him and pleading for him back and he is throwing it all in my face. He started to date one of those girls. This was about 5 months ago. But the whole time he is dating her he is sleeping with me and telling me he still loves me. This girl he is dating is more stupid than I am. She knows all about me, and well, whatever that’s her own thing. So anyway I stopped talking to him for about 2 months trying to move on and get over it. But we have all the same friends. I tired to avoid him not hang out with those people when he was around you know. But eventually I just stopped caring and we would all hang out together. Seeing him again was so horrible for me. He was all I could think about and all I wanted, even though I had been dating many other guys since him, and even had a guy who I saw quite often.
Well he called me after a while and, we started talking like old times and became instantly best friends again. We started sleeping together again too. He is 3 months into dating this other girl mind you. She finds out, and he just doesn’t care. He had been cheating on her with other girls anyway, and she knows about that too. Things with them were never good. I honestly just think he dated her because she was the first girl to give him the time of day, plus I sort of drove him to her. I know I can be crazy at times when it comes to him.
They broke up, after she witnessed him kissing me at a mutual friends house. But now he is still talking to us both. We both know it too. He is sleeping with us both, telling us both he loves us, and we both know it. We talk about it a lot. I know I should stop talking to him, and trust me I have tried so many times. But I am addicted to him. I can’t even get myself to stop sleeping with him. Things are so horrible between us though, I am always jealous and questioning, he is always lying and with the other girl too. I just feel so addicted to him and drawn to him and I can't stop talking to him. He has a lure I can't deny. I know he is so bad for me. I am always so depressed when he is in my life. But I just can’t move on. I can’t stop contact. Not to mention even if I did stop calling and seeing him one on one I would still see him when I went to hang out with our friends. I live in a small town every body knows everybody. I am just so at a loss for what to do. I know he loves me too, and I know he cares about me deeply. But I can’t help but to think he loves the other girl more, and wants to be with her more. I just really don’t know what to do.
I have no self worth anymore because of him. I am always crying, and this clingy, annoying, jealous girl when I am with him. I have never been like that with any other guy, even after dating him. All my other relationship has been so fun and happy. But I for some reason he is what I want. I hate being so depressed and miserable. Something I told to the other girl: He makes you feel so great and so loved and so amazing and so happy, but then he will turn around and do something that makes you feel so unwanted and unloved and unworthy. Like sleep with me, or choose to be with me instead of you. So then you need to be with him to feel better about yourself. Then the cycle continues. I was talking about her, but its true even for me. But how to do escape this cycle? And please I need more then just stop talking to him. That’s so hard and I have tried soooo many times.

[kay13]

I'm not sure why you're allowing yourself to be used in this way.
You say that you have no self-worth because of him, but self-worth comes from what YOU think about YOU, not how he treats you.

Only you can improve your self-esteem, and the first step is to admit that you deserve better than him. I don't think you love him, I'd say it was more of an obsession. You may not want to stop speaking to him, but believe me it's the only way out and you're not trying hard enough. Keep him in your life and your unhappiness stays too. Be strong, be kind to you and let him go.

[Wildcat21]

Can you tell me why on earth you would ever want to be with this JERK??

Did you hear me - complete JERK??

Look in the dictionary under JERK and his picture is there.

He's a loser.

MOVE on - yes - he completely used you. Learn from this.

No one, and I mean no should be treated this way.

It's time to grow up, be mature, become an adult, don't let anyone ever treat you this way again. You going forward have test with guys - you go out and find a good guy that WILL treat you right.

You seem to thnk this is the only guy in the world?? He is complete scum and you want this guy?? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

[Wildcat21]

And he hit you?? What complete scum!! Complete scum.

[Wildcat21]

I would go to a therapist today!! You have a lot of issues... it has nothing to do wit him.

[Geoffersonairplane]

But I am addicted to him.

It sounds like you are addicted..

Addicted to being used.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way he treats you. He deserves to be alone!

You deserve better and unless you resolve these self-esteem issues you have, you will never believe this, I am sure!

Cut this P**t out of your life for good, he is not worth it.