[jrsha]

A little background... I have 4 daughters and divorced their dad several years ago in order to provide a better standard of living for them. He lost his job of 25 years and decided not to work again, I guess. His method of providing was to put them on whatever government program they could be on and to scrape up what money he could when he had to, like to have the lights turned back on. I left them home with him and went to work, he did nothing. I took 2 jobs and he still did nothing. Long story short, I left him took 3 jobs went back to school and he still does nothing.

Dilema... I am working, going to school and managing a household while he does nothing. He sells junk at flea markets on the weekend which allows him time to spend with the girls freely during the week. When he has them they do nothing but go to parks, movies, theme parks and zoos. I have a very hard time making ends meet and luxuries like that aren't possible. This has caused the girls to resent me and want to spend more time with him. That is hurtful, to say the least.

Question... Should I reveal to them the truth about him and his lifestyle in order to improve my relationship with them or let them see the whole picture in time as I know they will.

[Tuscany]

How old are your daughters?

[jrsha]

They are 14, 10, 8, and 7 and I have been divorced for about 4 years.

[LUNAGODDESS]

Never show an action of disrespect towards their father. It will back fire, period.

You need to place the girls down with the father and place the bills in front of the girls and ask daddy can he help out. The monies he is spending being the good daddy is good but, the girls do need to have a roof over their heads and do need to have food in the refrigerator... without these essential things - going to the park will be the least of the girls worry (wouldn't you say).

The girls will figure that out. For they will be looking for daddy to be their savior and when daddy is proven a no show then their opinions of him will change. Without you saying a bad word about him.

The girls being who they are will look at daddy and depending on the response will see him for what he is. Do this with calm of spirit and show no signs of I am a superior woman.

It is time, no it is beyond time for your girls to understand just what it takes to make a home.

Right now, the children are not appreciating your actions and your efforts to keep a home solid.

[jrsha]

I try very hard to accept the relationship he has with them. To them he is good-time-daddy and they look forward to spending time with him and resent me. The oldest sees the larger picture and rather than contempt for him she has sympathy for him. That is hard to handle.

They cry and want to live with dad when I am strict on chores or behavior. When he brings them home one has a terrible crying fit to go with him. I want very badly to protect them from the heartache I know will occur. But I know that will only hurt my relationship with them in the long run.

[Bluerose]

Thought this might be better here -

You think they resent you now, what do you think they will be like if you put their dad down to them? Sounds to me like he has worked most of his life, maybe he is going through something - mid-life crisis? I say just keep doing what you are doing. If this isn't just a passing thing, the kids will soon work it out. They can't party all the time. They will need and begin to look for something more substantial from him like love and nurturing. Bide your time. Let the girls figure their dad out for themselves. Stand by them and they'll be back in the fold soon. Just don't put up with rude or bad behaviour from them, you don't deserve that after all your hard work.

[jrsha]

Thank you again. I wasn't sure which subject would be best for advice.