[clearlyconfused]

I need help. I've been married for 15 with ups and downs like everyone else, but for the most part very happy. I am still in love with my husband like the first day, I've always supported him on everything he decides to do. Everything seemed perfect for a while until about three weeks ago, when he started to ask weird questions. The first one was about getting divorced and how we are not as intimate as we should and that he knows he is the problem and that he was going to get help. So I was so confused and I asked him if he still loved me and he said well yes but I don't know what we are missing, there is just something and I need to work on that. Anyhow last night out of the blue, he decided to give me my mother's day present and told me that he is not happy, that he feels like there is something missing in our relationship and then he started to ask me about my past as if we were just starting to date, and he went on and asked me of why I moved in with him? And How I could say that I love him, if maybe I just like him!! And why we got intimate so fast after meeting each other, anyhow I try to tell him how I felt when I met him and don't get me wrong but I felt in love with him right away he was just the right person, funny, attractive and just loveable. I tell him that I just knew he was the right person for me and that I felt that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, and of course he doesn't understand that he just says but why? But why so fast? And I am just so confused as to why he is even questioning this after 15 yrs, or is this just an excuse to get divorced. I still love him a lot and I am just so hurt. I don't know what to think, we dated for 1yr before I moved in with him, it's not like it was a day. Please help!!

[artlady]

It would appear that your husband is not so much questioning your love for him as he is questioning the relationship in general and perhaps his feelings for you.

After fifteen years the hearts and flowers begin to fade but a deeper more profound love emerges but many people miss that *I can't get enough of you,intense desire*.

Perhaps he is feeling unattractive or maybe he is going through a mid life crisis.

I would keep the conversation going and get to the heart of the matter.

For men a mid life crisis can begin as early as the 30's.I would educate myself about male mid life crisis and see if he does not fit any of the criteria.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you for your advise! I will look that up. He also just talked to his dad whom is 52 and he said that he feels the same way so now he feels like he shouldn't make the same mistake. Thank You again!

[Jake2008]

I would just like to ask, when is the last time he had a complete physical, and has the issue of depression come up?

Found this article enlightening. May explain some of my husband's symptoms of late.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Early-Sign...ause&id=974673

[clearlyconfused]

His last physical was 2 yrs ago, and he doesn't act or he doesn't think he is depressed, but he has gone through so many changes lately. He was converted to another religion which he liked for a while, now he doesn't, he has changed careers at least three times in the last year. He lost a business that was in dream since I met, and that was the first part of last year...

[Jake2008]

If he is feeling down, the type of questions he's asking you seem to be things that he needs to hear to reasure himself. Of love, of stability, etc. The more I read about male menopause, the more I learn about my husband too. I'm really glad you asked the question.

He's gone through a lot of changes! Major ups and downs. Maybe he feels he's lost his footing a bit. I think most of us at some point in our lives, wonder about 'what if's', and maybe all the events of last year has him searching for answers to put his doubts to rest.

One thing you might try is ask him if he'd find using a diary might be helpful for him to sort his thoughts. At the risk of sounding sexist, talking is easy for women, about emotions, feelings and upsets, but for guys, perhaps not so much, and maybe a sense of being less manly or something. Just my opinion, but maybe some men will weigh in on this.

If he can write things out, he may feel more settled with the thoughts and questions he wants answers to. And, it may be worthwhile to spend some quality, quiet time with him every week. Set aside even two hours on a Friday night, and hit the library or coffee shop and just talk.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you for your advise! That is probably what we need, just time for ourselves. We have two little kids and they have taken our time lately. But do you think that is why he all of the sudden decided to bring his and my past up, since we never really talked about it, it was hard to talk about it then, but he is even talking about his first love and how he loved her and that he has felt that way until just yesterday, but he still says that he doesn't know if is love, or just that he is thankful for everything that I've done for him.

[talaniman]

Listen and reassure him, but don't take it personally or think something needs to be fixed. He isn't going through the change, he is having a growth spurt, and questions everything about himself to know how to deal with himself. Happens often after long periods of trial and error, but he will eventually make some adjustments to his thinking to put himself on solid ground.

Its not you, its him. Just pay close attention, but say little. Guys are complicated, and they keep growing, and learning about themselves.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you so much "talaniman"! This has been so hard. I'm hurting so much, and have to hold it in. He was ready to leave last Thursday, luckily he talked to a good friend of his, and told him that it was normal he was feeling this was, and that no matter what he did, he should not leave his family or get divorced. So He is still home, but I am trying to help him and I just can't, he won't let me. Everything that I say bothers him, he thinks that I am bossing him, although I am just wanting to let him know that I'm there for him, that I'm really trying to show him that I love him, but all I get is rejection. My daughter is almost 5, so I try no to cry in front of her, but it has been impossible since she is always with me and he just keeps talking about all the mistakes that he has made and how much he has hurt women in general, but yet I guess to him I am not part of that. I do want to show him that I care and that I do love him but I don't want to over do it. I am trying to give him his space, but if I do that he won't try to talk to me, and I don't want to loose him. Am I doing the right thing?

[talaniman]

Often we act out of fear. Act instead out of understanding he needs space. He is going through something, and whatever it is HE has to handle it. For the good of you both, he is the one to face his demons, and you have to let him. He can talk when he is ready, but all of us fellows go through this when we transform from happy go lucky, not a care in the world grown kids to responsible rational adults who know what the right thing to do is.

Its easier when we have positive males around us who understand but don't judge.

Guilt also plays a major role in his thinking, whether it is true or not, but he really does have to get a handle on himself to move forward, and maybe restless and irritable and quick tempered.

Be patient, and put up with no bad behavior, or disrespect. Sometimes a hug does more than a conversation, but space is needed.

Woman go through this also "growing pains" when they start to see the guys different, and exciting adventurous bad boys, get replaced by dull solid men who work and pay the electric bill.

Patience, and don't judge.

[clearlyconfused]

Wow, I will give him his space. Should I still let him tell me all of his feelings even though they are painful, since he normally talks about not being happy, and how he has never been happy with me, but yet he married me and we have two kids now. He also mentions his family and how unhappy they all are because they were never happy to begin with and now he thinks he doesn't want to make the same mistake. It just hurts because he changed so quickly. We were just living the best time of our marriage or at least that is what I thought, and now he says that, that was because he was trying so hard to make this work but that is not who he is. All of his goals were OURS and now they are just his, and he says that he just wants to accomplish them all on his own when not too long ago, he had said that there was no way he would have made it this far without my support and my patience. It hurts to talk about all this but I know is probably what he needs, but what should I do in the meantime, I am always so emotional and I try not to cry but I can't help it.

[talaniman]

I feel your pain, and confusion. But I think all marriages go through this, so don't take it personally, but I wish I could give you a secret magic pill to get you through this.

Perhaps your parents, or an older trusted adult, or best friend, could help support you, and give you counsel, even a professional.

All I can do is advise, and give you a cyber hug >at you<, and tell you to be strong. All storms pass.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you for that HUG!;) It was a horrible night again. He didn't come home until 2 am, he text me throughout the night to let me know that he was coming home and didn't make it until early this morning. I kept it cool. Didn't question anything or acted upset when he got home, instead I stayed up so that we could talk if he wanted and he did. We talked for a while, even though we both had to get up at 5 am, it felt good to talk to him, until he stresses all of his goals and he makes sures that I know they are just his, and he doesn't want me to be part of them, he also talks about all the hard work that he will doing for our kids, as if he has decided to leave, I tried to just touch his arm to show my support on whatever decision he makes, and trust me this was so hard! And he just rejected me and told me to stop, and to leave him alone that we were just talking and that he didn't ask me to stay up late... I don't get it, but I am trying and I will keep trying like I've had for the past 15 yrs... Every morning when I wake up, I am always hoping for everything to be the same, just not having to worry about anything, just enjor life and now I don't even know if I should say good morning or wait until he talks to me. I would have never imagined that I was going to go through this, after the wonderful times that we had.:confused:

[Jake2008]

What goals particularly, is he talking about.

And this going out alone at night, is this also a new thing for him?

[clearlyconfused]

He never used to go out at all. He started to drink a lot which he had stop for a while since he had said that he didn't see the point of drinking and now...
As in regards to his goals, he wants to finish his realtors license and just develop and buy property, investments and possilby a rehab center, which I understand, but he always used to ask me for advise about it and wanted my input now he talks to me about it but doesn't want my opinion at all, he gets upset and reassures that he is doing this for him by himself.

[talaniman]

Thank you for bringing more clarity to your situation.

I use to hate it when my wife waited up for me, but that was before I realized the depth of her concern.

I think that giving him space is just realizing when he needs it most (after a night out), and your relationship and the way you communicate will change. It has too. Neither of you is the same person, and his journey to maturity may be a selfish one at first, but he does struggle with it.

Again, don't take it personally, and have some patience and understanding. Now that doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior discourtesy or disrespect. But it does mean you pick your battles with thought, and let a lot go as you both make adjustments. Good times are great memories, and motivations, but reality will bring tough times to which will define how you work together, and interact in the future, so have your own balance in life with friends, and activities you enjoy, as he gets the conflict of his own minds resolved. He has been clear on that, with his grumpy a$$. ( I may have been too, at the time), and my wife just ignored me and did her own thing until I started to get it.

I think all committed couples go through this, and many survive because they deal with things in a mature way (at least from one of them, LOL!). Many do not, but he comes home to you and is still talking so have heart, and listen.

Get your sleep, and tell him good morning, and bite his a$$ if he just growls. That's how you give him space, to deal with his changing world, and establish the boundaries of good behavior.

As in life, once we weather the storm, the sun shines again, and the good times roll (until the next storm, and there is always a next storm, so just keep the umbrella handy)!

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you for bringing more clarity to your situation.

I use to hate it when my wife waited up for me, but that was before I realized the depth of her concern.

I think that giving him space is just realizing when he needs it most (after a night out), and your relationship and the way you communicate will change. It has too. Neither

Thank you again! So far I've done everything that you've said and it seems to be working, I really appreciate all of your support, it has been one of the toughest situations for both, worst than when we lost the business, but I've found the support that I need here and even if I just vent and find myself not as depressed until I get home to something new and I don't want to log in at home, because I don't want him to read my feelings. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! :o

[talaniman]

We vent, and RANT all the time around here. Glad you joined the party:D

[Cat1864]

We vent, and RANT all the time around here. Glad you joined the party:D

We're also good for entertainment value on some of the boards. :D

The only thing I will add is to watch the children for signs that his moodiness is affecting them. Children usually know a lot more about what is going on than they are given credit for. They also tend to internalize any upset they are feeling.

Good luck and I hope he matures quickly. :)

[clearlyconfused]

The only thing I will add is to watch the children for signs that his moodiness is affecting them

Interesting... I did notice a change of behavior on my 4 yr old, she is more stubborn and just cryes to get attention. She argues back all the time, which she never used to do. She over does it in front of my husband and we thought that is was due to our new addition or just the age. If is just ous two she listens more and understands when I ask her to do something rather than having battles with her on sharing with her brother or getting her to help around the house. I am glad to have found you!! ;)