[Antjie]

I'm 34 and married for the second time now(3 months). I am very much in love with my husband but he's jealous. He wants me to call him every afternoon when I leave work and when I'm not home in a certain time he phones to find out where I am. He also goes through my phone when I am in the shower. He wants to know who's sending me text messages and calling me but when he gets a call he never tells me who it was. He also gets all worked up about my underwear, I work with a lot of men but in an office not around them. I wear long pants every day but he says that they can see my underwear, which they don't. I sit behind a desk in my own office all day. He is very good to me but I sometimes feel that he does not trust me at all. I am an attractive woman with a good body, he is overweight, he said that I am too pretty for him. I don't care what he looks like on the outside, I love what's inside. I met him the way he is now and I fell in love with him being overweight and married him within 3 months. He makes me laugh, treats me like a princess, brings me flowers for no reason at all and makes me feel good about myself. He said he's scared if something better comes along I would leave him. Is this because I'm divorced or is he insecure? I try to tell him I love him and only him, I don't want anybody else but I don't think he believes me. This is affecting our relationship. I feel like I have to report to him every second of the day but I know nothing of what he gets up to during the day, I don't ask him because I trust him but he wants to know my every move. How do I deal with this or am I overly sensitive. I have had this problem before and I have stopped relationships because of jealousy that gets out of hand. I don't want to leave him but I do not want to be trapped feeling like I'm being watched and controlled. How do I make him realize I won't leave him for no-one and that I love him just the way he is.

[poseidon]

Hello Antjie,

Although I hate saying this I believe your husbands jealousy, or insecurity is a recipe for disaster. If he does not change his attitude the love you obviously have for him is likely to suffer and your marriage and relationship also.

He must realize that trust in a relationship is of prime importance. He cannot expect to treat you like a princess on the one hand and expect you to account for your every movement when you are both apart on the other.

Obviously he has his really good points by the way he treats you and makes you feel at other times, but jealousy and lack of trust I feel virtually cancels that out. Having said that I have no doubt in my own mind that he really loves you.

If you have not already done so, sit down together and put your concerns to him. Tell him how you are feeling and remind him that you trust him and you are entitled to the same trust.

Also try to reassure him that he has no worries that you will leave him. The only concerns you have for the marriage is if he does not stop wanting to know who you speak to and what you do etc when you are apart from him.

Neither should he expect you to dress in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or dowdy when you are at work or elsewhere without him. He must realize that when you are out, either with him or not, there are men close by.

The fact that other men may see you and find you attractive does not mean you are going to run off with any of them. Although he may not think so, he should also remember that there are probably women who find him attractive too.

He has already said that he feels you are too pretty for him. Well that to me is a sign of insecurity. As you say he is afraid you only want him until someone better comes along.

For my sins I have been in this situation myself when my wife and I first married, I felt insecure because I thought (and still do) that my wife was too good and too pretty for me, I was always wanting to know where she had been etc.

Thankfully, I overcame this and learned to curtail my jealousy and fear. We have now been very happily married for 28 years.

I would not mind betting that when you go out together he enjoys you looking beautiful and sexy so he can show you off. Its only when you are not with him he feels insecure.

I believe that counseling is a last resort and that you should both give it time and try to overcome this problem. Especially as you have only been married for a very short time, but if all else fails perhaps this is something that should be considered.

The very best of luck to you both and I hope you have a very long and very happy marriage.

Cy
(Poseidon)

[ordinaryguy]

Yes, he is jealous and insecure. Unfortunately, I don't know that there's any way you can "cure" him of this without outside help. It sounds like he has conjured his worries out of thin air, and there's never a shortage of that. He needs counselling, or therapy. I'm afraid the more you try to prove to him that his worries are unfounded, the more creative he will get in finding "evidence" that they are not. I mean really, seeing panty lines through pants is a stretch (get it?) for something to freak out about.

All I can suggest is to sit him down and have a really serious talk. Tell him that this is a relationship wrecker and unless he learns to trust you (and soon!) it will destroy your marriage. Don't sugar coat it, and don't cop to any suggestion that you are to blame (I'm taking you at your word that you aren't). The farthest I would go is to offer to go with him to joint counselling. Be prepared for the possibility that he will refuse to acknowledge that he needs help. If he does refuse, prepare yourself to get out of the relationship, because guys like this can go from delightful to dangerous in a hurry. You've only known him six months, and the cracks are starting to show. Your story is a good cautionary tale about why it's a good idea to go slow early in relationships, but that isn't much help to you at this point. You already jumped in too fast and now you have to deal with it. Please don't underestimate the danger you're in. I wish you all the best.

[Bluerose]

People will treat us how we treat ourselves, we teach them how to treat us. You are both getting something out of this, you are giving him more control every time you reassure him, every time you answer the phone to report on your whereabouts. Refuse to answer the phone more than once when you know it's him. You need to stop reinforcing his behaviour. People who have nothing to hide have no need to keep reassuring others. Let him know where you are going and when you will be back, end of story. When you are more firm and straightforward he will relax more.

[LUNAGODDESS]

The problems of being a member of the beautiful women clan... men just do not trust them. Many men feel that the beautiful woman that sleeps in his bed could not possibly love him. So enter the insecurity statements. You do need a serious sit down with this man. Tell him if, he feels insecure about who is calling you tell him to give you his phone and you both look at whom is calling whom. If, he does not want to do this then you suggest to him to stop asking you who is calling you and she won't bother asking the same.

The pantie line through the pants issues... get a pantie that do not show the pantie lines... for pantie lines (usually)do show while you move not standing still. That is nice that he is concern about your looks.

Question do you have a religious church/organization that you belong to? If, so make an appointment with your spiritual advisor/priest and have a sit down about the jealousy issues in your marriage.

[inChrist]

Tell him what you told us

[talaniman]

Was he like this before you married him? If he wasn't, DON'T put up with this behavior. Try talking calmly and then if necessary tell him that his actions are a DEALBREAKER! He sounds as if he may need professional help.

[s2tp]

I agree with everyone else above, You need to tell him that his actions and insecurities will push you away if he keeps it up. Let him know you understand he has insecurities, but he needs to have trust in you if he really loves you and wants to keep you around.

I myself just got out of a relationship that was draining me from having to 'report in' and explain who my friends were and why... it really puts a strain on the relationship when one or the other has such insecurities. It makes you feel like he doesn't trust you, yet you are not doing anything for him to question you.

As most everyone else has suggested, talk to him. He is an adult and he should be able to listen and try to accommodate your needs as well. He sounds like a great guy if he treats you like a princess, and you sound just as great for not judging him on his looks. Sounds like a good match, so I hope it works out well for you!

Let us know how it goes!

[s2tp]

I agree with everyone else above, You need to tell him that his actions and insecurities will push you away if he keeps it up. Let him know you understand he has insecurities, but he needs to have trust in you if he really loves you and wants to keep you around.

I myself just got out of a relationship that was draining me from having to 'report in' and explain who my friends were and why... it really puts a strain on the relationship when one or the other has such insecurities. It makes you feel like he doesn't trust you, yet you are not doing anything for him to question you.

As most everyone else has suggested, talk to him. He is an adult and he should be able to listen and try to accommodate your needs as well. He sounds like a great guy if he treats you like a princess, and you sound just as great for not judging him on his looks. Sounds like a good match, so I hope it works out well for you!

Let us know how it goes!

[lesasehlton]

I have the same problem, sorry I can't offer you a solution, the only thing I can do is give advice that I myself do not take, I have a four year old son with my husband and no way to support myself or my son alone, but what I can tell you is that I feel it is his problem, not yours, and you should so what you are doing now, and ignore his whining, convincing him is not going to do any good, he will believe what he wants to believe and until he gets help to feel better about himself , then he will never stop tormenting you with his insecurities, maybe you should tell him that you are considering leaving him if his behavior soesnt stop and explain to him that his mistrust is insulting to our character, and it stresses you out, life is hard enough without adding fantasy to it. Regardless of how other men may think when it comes to sex, women for the most part are wired differently, you can't help what someone is thinking, as long as they keep it to themselves, you shouldn't have to pretend to be a mind reader, you already have a built in instinct to know when someone has crossed the line with you, so that you can avoid them and let them know their advances aren't welcome, tell him that, and that your not an idiot, it sounds to me like you know when someone is crossing a line and you sound like the type of person that wouldn't fall for a silly line and you love you man, but he has to be able to trust you, not only is it completely unattractive, but he is a grown man and you shoulndt have to stroke his ego like a little child. Tell him that. And tell him if it doesn't stop you will end up leaving.

[sweeterthenu84]

Hey.I think he is very insure about his self.. matter afact he is so insacure of his self that he made hisself believe that you are so pretty and if you leave he will not have anyone like you ever.. I think he loves you but scared some othat guy is going to sweep you off your feet in there looks.. im going through the same thing my husband gets so mad at me when I dress up he says I'm trying to atract tha guys when I am doing it for him to look sexy for him.. I don't understand men they don't know what they got till its gone

[iagirl]

I also live with a very controlling man. He doesn't want me to see my friends anymore and flys into a rage when I mention it, goes through my phone and tracks me down if I'm five minutes late. He says that he wants to spend time with me. When we met we went out a lot, had tons of friends and were always on the go. Now we sit on the sofa and watch TV. That's it. If I have a day of, he takes the day off so I won't be able to go anywhere without him and to make sure I don't go anywhere with my friends. But... I also hear how much he loves me and wants to be with me. The sad reality is love is one thing, being controlled is another.

[gypsy456]

Your husband sounds insecure and that is the root for jealousy.

Set your boundaries, tell him you do not tolerate this behaviour and don't tolerate it.

We have to show and tell people how we want to be treated.
If you don't put this to a stop, it will continue...

Treating you like a princess??
It sounds like a golden cage...

Tell him that he crosses the line and that he needs to trust you.
What he is doing now seems to become a self-fulfilling prophecy... he may end up losing you and I am sure that's not what he wants.

Be clear and don't accept this.
It's tough love, but obviously he needs to know that he is crossing your lines.