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    Stargazer3 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    May 7, 2010, 12:26 PM
    Mental & emotional health
    I really need some sound advice. I am in a dark, lonely, place and feel unloved, worthless and an absolute drain on society. I have been physically sick since January with heart related problems, respiratory and now gastric problems have re-surfaced this week. I haven't had those in 15 years since my last episode with depression! This leads me to believe that STRESS and unhappiness is making me deathly ill. I am taking zoloft and prilosec which neither seem to be helping at all.

    My last episode happened when I had problems from three directions all at once with my family. I was in my mid 30's when my husband stopped being intimate with me. It was devastating and I tried every way I knew for both of us to get help. Didn't happen. My husband just would not confront the issue, it wasn't important enough to warrant doing anything about. My daughter, who I love with all my heart and soul, married a man who was abusive and would not allow her to have a relationship with me, she went along with it and I did not know where she lived or her phone no. for six months. It almost killed me. I had always thought that we were grounded together for life, I had raised her to 10 years as a single parent before re-marrying and that had made us unusually close (I thought). Then at the same time, I had sold a business to a woman who defaulted on the loan and I had that come crashing down along with closing another business I'd opened supposedly with help from my mother/sisters who were so eager to be involved, but after it was up and running were "no shows". I was literally dumb founded that my family did not come through as they had said they wanted to/would with the new business. I am ONE and could not be in both businesses at once, so I had to close one and eventually filed bankruptcy as the other one had literally been run to the ground when I got it back and worthless. I had thought I was handling it all relatively well till I ran into my garage one evening coming home from work, hit the gas instead of the brakes. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I went into the house and LOST IT. I took a bottle of sleeping pills, wasn't thinking to die, JUST TO GET SOME SLEEP! I had not slept well in months and just wanted to sleep a freaking week. My doctor said it was an "old fashioned nervous breakdown". I call it not handling it well at all. I am ashamed to this day that I did something so stupid.

    Eventually, my daughter left her abusive husband and our relationship returned to normal, my husband and I developed a relationship without intimacy that was tolerable. I did not leave him because I was not interested in anyone else or ever having another relationship and considered him my "best friend". I did insist on moving full time to a summer house we had that I loved dearly. It was a place I healed emotionally over time. I accepted responsibility for relying on family to help me in a business venture. I never should have opened the second business in the first place and do not hold them responsible. They all have their own problems and reasons for not coming through with what they promised.

    15 years later, my mother has dementia. I tried to help her by having her come stay with me during the week so I could care for her, taking her home on the weekends. When she came, I had her hair done, buy her nice clothes, gave her long, warm soaks in the tub, body massages, manicures & pedicures along with 3 meals a day when she was here. I overheard her tell my brother that I'd "abused" her physically so that he would take her back home! I even pampered her little dog! It broke my heart that she would say something that was a total 180 degrees from the truth and of course, my brother knew it was not true but it still was a shock to my system that my mother was capable of saying that when I had killed myself to do for her. Now, she will not come back because she's afraid she'll have to stay all week, I can't drive over 50 miles one way to help her so I am limited in what I can do to help. FRUSTRATING. I have to watch her live in squalor at home and the rest of my family thinks they are doing "God's work" by enabling her to be at home living like a homeless person allowing her to live in utter filth. There is nothing I can do short of having my family arrested for parental neglect. I will not do it, so that is the never ending cycle of my mother.

    My daughter re-married what I thought was a wonderful son-in-law. Their business started suffering from the economy, my daughter was sick with pneumonia and their dog had cancer. My son-in-law decided to call his "friend" 257 times in a month's time and became abusive to my daughter after 8 yrs. Together. It literally broke my heart for my daughter. She left him to try to reconcile as they were so volitile together. He even had his girlfriend on their boat and called the police to have my daughter physically removed from their home when she went to confront him. (I had told her NOT to leave their home, she wouldn't listen). I was totally with my daughter in whatever she decided to do, helped her with money and a place to stay during the separation. I did speak out about my son-in-law being abusive publicly. My daughter was LIVID about me doing it, she wanted it to remain private. I respect that and I told her I was sorry. To make a long story shorter, she went back to her husband and NOW barely speaks to me... AGAIN.

    All the while this all is going on, I become soooooo sick, literally so dizzy some days I can hardly function. Then, my dog who is like a baby to me starts having horrible seizures in the middle of it all. My heart is broken for him. All I can do is sit and be with him till they are over and try to adjust his meds.

    Then, my husband comes home and tells me that he is going to start taking his secretary out to lunch... often. He said "he didn't want anyone telling me they saw him with a woman and not know about it". That would be just fine if she were not such a screwball! ALWAYS having a crisis with her HUSBAND, etc. Once she called my husband during our Thanksgiving meal to talk to him about their marital problems. Just a total NUT and I do not like her at all, she is trouble with a capital T. I COULD NOT BELIEVE HE TOLD ME THAT! I am at the end of it with my husband. He crossed the line with that one KNOWING that I am sick as a dog, my dog is sick, my mother said I'd abused her and my daughter won't speak to me again! This is what I've been given for trying to DO FOR MY FAMILY!! I can barely function and the idiot is going to start taking his fluzzy secretary out for lunch... OFTEN?? I have not eaten with him, nor allow him to sleep in our bed in a week now. I am 52 yrs. Old and need to get a LIFE AWAY FROM ALL THIS. Surely, there is LIFE OUT THERE other than this one.

    SOMEBODY OUT THERE HELP ME!! I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT AGAIN. I am in the FLIGHT OR FIGHT mode and don't know which direction to turn. PLEASE HELP!
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #2

    May 7, 2010, 01:46 PM

    You've done a good job of outling your complaints. I emphasize the plural. They will each have to be addressed separately.

    First, let me say that stress can indeed cause illness. Undoubtedly stress is contributing to overall condition.

    Second, you mention that the medications you are taking don't seem to be working: Zoloft (sertraline), an SSRI, is often prescribed for depression and/or anxiety. Prilosec (omeprazole), is an OTC commonly used for acid reflux (and other gastrointestinal problems). Both seem consistent with the description of your problems.

    You should have been provided with an information sheet with each of these drugs. Please read the side-effects section of each sheet and determine if they might explain some of your current feelings or may actually be contributing to your overall condition and unease. Medications, and particularly antidepressants, often create unexpected reactions. It is always wise for you to review these possibilities and closely monitor yourself, if nothing more, rule them out contributing factors.

    In the event you don't have the FDA sheet I am providing a link to each below. Please take a minute to read through them.

    Prilosec: Prilosec Information from Drugs.com
    Zoloft: Zoloft Information from Drugs.com

    Additionally, you mention a "previous episode with depression." Please advise how that episode was treated and your response to the treatment.
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    Stargazer3 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    May 7, 2010, 02:10 PM

    I was prescribed these 2 medications after the 1st episode and as I stated have been doing quite well for years up until now. I truly believe it is the stresses (problems) from all areas of my life and loved ones that is making me sick.
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    #4

    May 7, 2010, 02:32 PM

    Certainly the current life problems and resultant stress are at the forefront. But just to clarify you have been on these medications for a number of years? I noted your emphasis on dizziness and also noted that as a side effect. Also worsening of depression. Here referencing Zoloft.

    By your assessment your current overall condition is attributable to the cumulative effect of these events. Ruling out synthetic mood alterants and their possible contributing side effects is a small but necessary step.
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    #5

    May 7, 2010, 03:14 PM

    Come to think of it, my insurance company DID switch me to a "generic" version of Zoloft the first of the year. Maybe the dizziness is a side effect from the generic version I did not have from the brand name? I have read that they can differ slightly in composition... The episode with my husband caught me "off guard". We have been married for 24 yrs. I am thinking of leaving him as it hurt beyond words that he would make such an announcement at this time. I feel that I've wasted the past 15 by living with him as my "best friend". I should have chosen to be alone when the intimacy disappeared from our marriage, I was younger and more able to live on my own then. Now? Not so much. I have rheumatoid arthritis, embrel injections once a week make life tolerable with that. Also had a pacemaker placed last year. Still, I am finding it hard to remain in the same house with my husband! Advice anyone??
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    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #6

    May 7, 2010, 03:24 PM

    You seem like a very organized and articulate lady. Use that to your personal advantage. Of the problems you are currently confronting organize (prioritize) them in the order of their importance to you. What is causing you the most discomfort in your everyday existence? While you have some medical problems it seems that you have addressed them and have them under control. Be better if you didn't have them but that's not an alternative. So now you need to address each bothersome and painful issue. Assess the problem, weigh the alternatives and begin the process of changing them one by one.

    There is no singular solution. And, it seems that each issue you are confronting has wide ranging implications. Is there anything you can do to reconcile with your daughter? Is the situation with your husband beyond repair? What are the realistic options in each case. Could you say to your husband that "I'm just not going to tolerate that." Can you afford to separate from him. These are major decisions, life changing decisions. But you've been through this type of gauntlet before (para 3, of your OP) and resolved the issues. It hardly seems fair that you're once again facing a new set of equally compelling problems, but fair or not, you are. Now you have to begin maneuvering through this new group of issues. Anyone in your position would be stressed, worried, and sad. But you seem to have the emotional strength to deal with it.
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    #7

    May 7, 2010, 04:29 PM

    Priorities of discomfort:

    1. My daughter hardly speaking to me makes me feel like I am dead inside and have no purpose in life. I have no desire to do anything. I have to force myself to get up in the morning and get dressed. I had her in my teens so I don't know how to live without her in my daily life! Without her, it's like the sun has stopped shining for me and every day is gloom and despair. Since she went back to her husband, she goes weeks on end without calling and doesn't answer my emails or return my calls. I know I need to get a grip with it, but all I want to do is cry. Her dog that had cancer passed away after she went back. I was not even told until the following day that my granddog had died. I loved the dog as much as anyone loved a grandCHILD! I often took care of her the past 13 yrs. When they were out of town, etc. so I spent a lot of time with the dog. She went to the shore and left her ashes without even inviting me or telling me about it. It felt like a grandchild had been buried and I'd not been invited to the funeral. I've told my daughter how I feel and she does not respond to my emails. How more articulate can I be than to tell her how I feel? It's almost like she is enjoying "punishing" me for speaking out against the abuse from her husband. I am truly happy that they seem to be working things out. With counseling, maybe they can make it work together. Hearts are big, there's supposed to be enough love for MOTHER's along with husbands!! I don't understand how she can cause me pain.

    2. MY HUSBAND, and yes I intended for him to be NO. 2 as in DODO. The loss of intimacy 15 years ago was a very, very hard thing for me to accept. If it were not for my dogs and my daughter, I think I would have died by now from lack of affection. My husband is a very selfish person not to try to get some help for my sake if not for his own. I begged him and he flat refused to talk to his doctor or go to counseling. His only excuse was "he just lost interest". Well, how nice is that? He spends ALL of his energy in his hobbies and his work. When he gets home, there is absolutely nothing left. He sits in his recliner and watches his TV. For the past 15 years, I have stayed like this because my rationalism was that I would be completely alone if we divorced as I am NOT interested in another relationship and he has always been good to my daughter and I love him for that. She would have been devastated if we divorced and I also did not want to hurt her. I realized that my happiness came from ME, not from anyone else so I made the best of what I had. I love gardening so I consume myself with that when I am able. I loved my husband without sex as a part of our marriage. After all these years, for him to come into our home at dinner and tell me that he is now going to start taking his secretary out to lunch FREQUENTLY is an emotional betrayal that I can not tolerate! It is obvious to me that for him to do this, he needs something from his company with this silly woman. It is just something that I did not expect from him, nor did I need "emotionally" to deal with on top of the other problems he knows I am having. It was thoughtless to the extreme and cruel. I can hardly sit in the same room with him. Am I over-reacting? I don't think so considering our history. I know the relationship is not physical, he had prostate cancer last year and I know that he is now not capable of having sex. This betrayal went beyond that in my opinion and was EMOTIONAL betrayal which to me is far worse.

    3. MY MOTHER's situation is so frustrating in that I can not do a thing to help her without the consent of the rest of my family. She is in such a state with dementia that she doesn't know what day of the week it is, what YEAR it is or even who her children are half the time. She is happy as a clam living in filth at home because she is out of her mind. No human being should live in such conditions. Believe me, they are awful. I don't understand how the rest of my family lives ONE MILE from her and don't keep things tidy in her house. She looks like a homeless woman most of the time because no one attends to her daily grooming needs. I live FIFTY miles away and can not make the trip often enough to give her the help she needs. She refuses to come and stay here with me so I can help. The rest of my family thinks it's just wonderful that they enable her to live like that. It is beyond painful to see her in this condition and not be able to do anything about it.

    So, there are the priorities of my discomfort and total unhappiness. Any suggestions? Thank you.
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    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #8

    May 7, 2010, 05:14 PM

    I admire your writing ability, how you articulate your feelings and make the right associations. Now we know the targets and you put them in clear and understandable terms. You may now take one step forward while I take an hour or two to absorb this.

    By the way I share your love of dog's and completely understand your sadness and feelings in relation to your loss.

    I, as a single father, also raised my daughter alone from age 11. Very close, and then it became more distant. I often feel, not abandonment, but a lack of closeness and a numbing indefinite loneliness and puzzlement over changes in our relationship. But let me get to your problem. In the meantime if you have a question or additional information please post and I am near the computer.
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    Stargazer3 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    May 7, 2010, 07:02 PM

    You asked earlier if I "can afford to separate". I could survive as I know that I would have an adequate settlement (I spoke with a good lawyer 15 yrs. Ago and knew then that I would if we couldn't work it out). No, I would not be able to live in a big house. I do not care one flip for a big house as it is not big enough if it were 20,000 sq. ft. for the two of us at this point. I have given my very best years to this man. I have been totally faithful even though there was no intimacy in our marriage for the past 15 yrs. I never in my wildest dreams thought he was capable of hurting me when I was down as he has done. I can not spend the rest of my life with this disappointment. I expected better from him.
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    #10

    May 7, 2010, 07:19 PM

    I understand your anger and frustration. When did this last incident (husband) occur? Two further questions in relation to your mother. When was dementia diagnosed and who made the diagnosis? Your description of her condition supports the diagnosis. When I was in the field it was senile dementia or dementia praecox but most practitioners now use Alzheimer's. So more of personal interest and not to question the diagnosis. Also, does your mother reside in her own home or was it a location chosen for proximity to the other relatives. One more, what is your relationship with the rest of your family, particularly those that think it advisable for her to llive alone?
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    Stargazer3 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    May 7, 2010, 08:47 PM

    The last incident with my husband was just last week. My mother is diagnosed by her doctor as having stage 2 alzheimers plus senile dementia. My mother resides in her own home that she has lived in for over 60 years, one brother lives just next door, the others live within a mile or two, they all chose to live where they do because they married in the area. My relationship with them is strained at best as they all know that I disagree with my mother's living conditions. If we all worked TOGETHER, each spending a few days with her (or even just one!) she would not be in this situation. Sadly, that is not the case. My mother doesn't help, she keeps one sibling upset with the other at all times. SHE IS SICK and no one should listen to anything she says. WE need to take control of her situation. It's like the animals run the zoo around there so nothing is accomplished! I've just had it with everything. It's like I beat my head against a brick wall and no one listens...
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    #12

    May 7, 2010, 09:08 PM

    Also, I totally relate to your feelings about your daughter. Would love to hear more.
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    #13

    May 7, 2010, 09:47 PM

    I'm losing my internet connection, 3 times in last 10 minutes. I'm going to have to pick this up tomorrow. Be happy to share some further info about that.
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    #14

    May 8, 2010, 08:29 AM

    My wireless setup sometime loses goes on a tangent and it's impossible to maintain connection. I know nothing of computers. I'm sorry for the interruption.

    In relation to your mother, are you familiar with the Alzheimer Association?
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    #15

    May 8, 2010, 10:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Stargazer3 View Post
    Also, I totally relate to your feelings about your daughter. Would love to hear more.
    Probably the similarities between my relationship with my daughter and you with yours is the level of attachment and feelings of loneliness on separation (on our part). Mine was always "daddy's little girl" and we were exceptionally close. We don't quarrel and still have frequent albeit brief contact but the closeness, time together and expression is gone. The depth of the relationship has changed. I can justify that in intellectual terms, outline the progression in what seems a logical sequence, emphasizing terms like independent, self-sufficient, she's all grown up and has her own life. But those are all thinking terms not feeling terms. In feeling terms I'm left behind, absent the marvelous feeling that comes from being needed, deprived of all the little gestures that constantly bespoke "I love you." It seems to me, as you so eloquently expressed, that there should be more room for Daddy. But there isn't. My head understands it. My heart has lingering doubts.

    I've come to the conclusion that this is a basic conflict in humanity. A residue of human parenting. The frontal cortex of our brains (where reason and logic occur) sorts through this personal history and provides a logical justification while the Limbic system (where the more basic instincts reside) continues to ask "Why?"
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    #16

    May 8, 2010, 11:25 AM

    Well you have explained that in terms I can definitely understand, thank you so very much. I consider myself to be "basic" and full of way too much "common sense" probably for my own good. So, I obviously have an over-abundance of the brain area in the Limbic system (where the basic instincts reside) because I can not stop asking "why"! I realize that life is a fast race because I've certainly been there raising her to 10 yrs. As a single parent, but; I STILL found time for my mother and did my best to make her feel needed and loved! So I do realize that I am not a priority and it hurts like hell. I really think I "over-did" my parenting job in trying to teach independence. I did not want her to suffer the same fate as I had having to go back to school with a child to be able to earn a decent living, etc. At least I do have the comfort of knowing that she is well educated and able to live on her own in any circumstance. That is some comfort that I guess comes from the frontal cortex of my pea brain? I really wish I had more of that type of brain, thinking with the heart hurts too much. I will have to learn better self-discipline and learn to control it.

    With the alzheimers/dementia, it is worse than death. Actually, I lost my mother years ago... I want so very much to call her and talk about things. It is no longer possible. My father passed away 8 yrs. Ago and she really went off the deep end after that. It's like our whole family was cut "adrift" when he died. Everyone's wandering with no order or sense of family. He was the anchor that held us all together, especially my mother.

    I did not list my dogs or the sick one in the priority list you suggested because THEY actually help ME. They need me every day to care for them so no matter how bad I feel, I must get up and get myself together for them. They need me to be strong and in charge.

    Your daughter is a very, very lucky girl to have you as her daddy. Your feelings for her brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful, just absolutely beautiful.
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    #17

    May 8, 2010, 12:15 PM

    I spent some time reviewing user reports of Zoloft based largely on your dizziness and your statement that you feel "dead inside." At first I thought that the time span argued against side effects (one would expect those to be early occurrences). However, with Zoloft I have found reports of first side effects appearing at 3 days, 6 months and 11 years with numerous intervals in between.

    I am certainly not minimizing the emotional trauma directly resulting from your circumstances. But in confronting these problems you need to have your full and complete resources available. Your description of your emotional state is a virtual recitation of side effects of this drug.

    I recommend that you check with the prescribing physician and explain exactly as you have written here. (MDs are often inclined to assign the reaction to the symptoms of depression when in fact said symptoms are a product of the treatment). If Zoloft is causing or contributing to the affectations it may be a matter of dosage or a temporary result. And of course I could be wrong. Nonetheless, I believe it's worth a phone call and/or office visit. You don't need an additional emotional weight at this time. I'm providing one resource for these Zoloft patient reports (available on line) through Depression.com. There are too many similarities to ignore.
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    #18

    May 8, 2010, 03:37 PM

    I will make an appt. and discuss this with my dr. as you suggest. Also, I want to specifically request using the brand name rather than the generic version. I saved $25 by using the generic, but all this is certainly not worth that amount.

    I read over my writings and somehow I have managed to tell you my complete life history since a teenager. Normally, I would not do that. Then again, normally I wouldn't post such a panicky first page either!

    Just writing these things down have helped me tremendously; but I suppose you already knew that.

    I probably should have listed my husband as No. 1 on my list. I do know that eventually my daughter and I will come to some sort of acceptable relationship again. I am impressed by the way you spoke of your relationship with your daughter and how you "reason" the changes. I will do the same and work on accepting that.

    I am dreaming of a little cottage with a tin roof with a porch all the way around with a porch swing for me and my dogs lying around on the porch. Simple life, ALONE. The thought makes me smile.

    I don't think I will be able to ever forgive my husband, I have given him enough years of my life He is not my best friend or even a friend. I asked him today if he would like it if I started taking the young man that cut the grass out to lunch, (he's about the same age as his secretary, but not a NUT like this woman it) not once but frequently... being seen all around town in his company. How would he like it that I even DESIRED the young man's company! What does that say about my state of mind? He only had a blank stare and said "it wouldn't look very good at all". It makes me sick that I made such a bad judgment of character and stayed in this relationship when he would not get help 15 years ago. That should have told me then and there that my feelings were not important to him.

    Now that I have calmed down, I see that this is the true source of most of my problems and unhappiness. Thank you.
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    #19

    May 8, 2010, 04:07 PM

    I love tin roofs. When I was a kid we had them. I still think about that as relaxation.

    That was a very effective way to address the problem with your husband. Continue to approach that issue cautiously. I know you will make the right decision but you should thoroughly consider all of the repercussions so you are personally prepared for any eventuality... So take no action in anger.

    Something tells me that there has been a lot of resentment boiling just below the surface for 15 years and this last violation simply allowed it break through. Keep your head clear and deal with this situation methodically not emotionally. We want to get you to a happier place in life without unnecessary turbulence along the way.
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    #20

    May 8, 2010, 05:34 PM

    After all this time, I will not make a rash decision without thinking it through very carefully. Yes, you are quite right in that I do believe I am resentful. This last incident is just indicative of how thoughtless of my feelings he really is, was and always will be. I often had impulses/desires over the years that I had to overcome. Jesus, I was only in my mid-30's!! The way I dealt with them was to use my energy "productively" instead of "destructively". In other words, I worked the daylights out of myself staying busy with one project after another. Looking back, it is just sad.

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