[FILEEGRL]

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 14 years. In the beginning our relationship was very rocky. We have a daughter and have managed to work through some very difficult times. Cheating and domestic violence. We did separate for a period but eventually got back together. We have worked through that and I was able to forgive and start over. I thought we were on the same page only to find the receipt for the purchase of condems last March. I was devastated because I really worked hard to leave the past in the past and give it a real honest chance. I am so angry and my behavior is aggressive toward him. I punched him in the eye while arguing one day. While he was cheating and being abusive earler in the relationship I managed to get my Master's degree and secure a salary that is more than enough to take care of myself and my daughter. I don't know why I won't take the steps to move on. I feel guilty for creating this situation for my daughter and want her to grow up with both of her parents but honestly I cannot stand the thought of him sometimes. Any thoughts??

[letmetellu]

I don't think you are doing your daughter by staying with her father, all she will receive from it is learning that you are suppose to stay with an abusive and cheating husband and she will learn to have no respect for her dad for being the way he is and no respect for you for staying and accepting the abusive, cheating lifestyle you are in.

[Bluerose]

Don't put up with this. I was a battered child. My mum was a battered wife. She stayed with him twenty years. My brothers and sisters and I came to hate our mum for putting up with it. After he died and she remarried we renewed our relationship with her. But there was a lot of lost years. Think about your daughter in all this.

[LUNAGODDESS]

The longer you stay with this man the worse the effect it have on your child and yourself. Yes, children will blame the one that stayed. For that is a fact... I know I did. There is no reason for that hate of the mother but, we children of abusive fathers need someone to blame and mother is the weak link so we attack the mother. For she put up with all this for our sake, our survival.
The era of our mothers was totally domestic and woman had to put up with so much negative actions from society. For, if she(mother) did not ( put up with the issues of her husband)she would be perceived as a unfit woman and a unfit wife and a unfit mother. For there are some saying this is a man's world.

The society is changing and woman are becoming more aware of themselves importance within this society. We now understand there is a way out. And many will find a support system and get out of his heart ache. However, there are some that know there is a way out but find it difficult to leave for varies of reason one is financial and the other is loneliness ( some women are afraid of being alone) so they stay. Is the issue of loneliness your reason for staying?
If loneliness is... then it is selfish of you For, your child will see this and will follow your directions. Image she will have growing up in a world where the most hostile challenged (negative) of individuals are given a high status and are appreciated and respected

You got the monies then go and lease another home. Yes, ask him for support for his child.

I did read that you said you do not need help financially then, place the monies that you will receive from the father into a trust fund for the child's future. Do not let the daddy get away from/with his responsibly towards the child. Just because you hate him. You take care of yourself and trust in that way of thinking you are showing your child a positive way in being a good woman and loving herself.

[FILEEGRL]

I agree with your comment and know it to be true because my mom was abused and I blamed her for not leaving. The only difference is that I fight back and am not afraid of him. I know that I justify this nonsense with that statement and it is not right. My older daughter hated him for a long time and probably did not like me very much either. We all have since been through counseling and she now refers to him as her "dad" and tells him that she loves him. I thought that she would take her hatred to the grave. He is not her biological father.

As far as being lonely I can get another man very easily. I never had the fear that if I leave him I will be alone. I just feel guilty and cannot really explain why. I suppose I feel obligated to see this through because I made the choice to marry him when I could have walked away many years ago.

My daughters are very important to me and I do not want them to repeat this terrible cycle. The problem is I am in it and am trying to figure how to get out without making the situation worse.

[valinors_sorrow]

Why don't you sit him down and quietly let him in on what you found. Without all the worked up stuff, if possible. Without condemning him since it sounds like you've both made your share of some serious mistakes. Share with him that you want this to work but you need his help. See what he says to that by actively listening. If he says yes, look for a marriage counselor to see. If he says no, then make sad tracks without gulit.

Be sad for both of you, not just you. I know I am. How sad to see you both come through so much, work hard at improving and still not "be there". All is not lost until one of you says, "we're done." Some problems take a lot of work. Do you know how many times I have been to counselors? How how many years and how much money? It takes what it takes for all of us and some have a bigger hill than others, I understand that. But if I were you, I would try my level best, for all your sakes, to ask him as lovingly as I could muster... can we work this out?

Until you know his answer to that, I don't know how you can decide anything. I have a great deal of experience with forgiveness and one thing I know is its not possible to forgive while the offending is still occurring. So first things first here, I think?

[FILEEGRL]

It really does make me sad for him as well. I guess I am more focused on myself and my feelings. I am not trying to play victim here I am just tired. I have asked him many times to work it out and he always says yes and he will appease me for a minute then he reverts back. We have both made mistakes I will be the first to admit the only difference is that I am straight up with my "stuff" and will talk about it while even when busted he will still deny. I act out of frustration and want to lash out or make him feel the hurt that I am feeling. When he cheated it caught me totally offguard because I thought we were on the same page. I told him that he broke it and needs to fix it. He was supposed to set up counseling through our church and never did it. He keeps saying let his actions show me that he is working to repair things. NOT! I am more suspicious than ever. I am still angry and resentful that he violated the trust and refuses to take the steps to repair it.

[valinors_sorrow]

Then perhaps it is time to let your actions match your disapproval and start on your plans for separating. Its not yours to fix, from the sound of it, so leaving is all that's left on the agenda, Filee, I am sorry to say. Please consider this about divorce - it is traumatic and you won't be yourself for a while afterwards so stay away from the guys for a good long while. Rebound relationships tend to be worst than what we left, okay?

[talaniman]

Lashing out in anger is a sign of abuse and please don't minimize this or justify your own behavior. Leave if you must, but get help from a professional

[Myth]

I have been in a similar situation and really had to sit down and be honest with myself. I asked myself a very simple question that has no simple answer. Am I happy. I weighed all the pro's and con's and what it came down to is that we are a product of our society and if I'm not happy then my children will not be happy and they will repeat my same mistakes. Don't settle for anything less than your happiness. Teach them by example and they will learn from your mistakes.