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nstamper · May 6, 2010, 09:45 AM

I've went from an abusive childhood to bad bad relationships. I was single for four year until I started dating my curent fance. We have been together for a little over a year. We have been friends since we were teenagers. I really want this to work out but I find myself beig pushy sometimes, and not being trusting. I question his love for me all the time. I know he loves me so why do I do this? How can I learn to completely trust him. Is there anything I can do? I'm just so afraid sometimes of getting hurt again that it seems I take it out on him. He's a very understanding and loving man and I don't know why he putsup with me. What can I do to make things better?

jmw0713 · May 6, 2010, 10:38 AM

It may be hard but, try to not let your past factor in to this relationship.

Unless something doesn't feel right, there should be no reason not to trust your BF.

Given your past, you may want to try getting some counseling to work out the issues you may be having. Good Luck!

Gemini54 · May 6, 2010, 07:26 PM

Trusting someone when you don't feel like you can trust the world in general, or when bad things have happening to you in the past, can be really hard.

There is no easy answer or simple solution, because it takes time and it takes patience and self awareness.

From what you've written in your post, you don't trust your fiancée because you're scared of being hurt. Your past experience is one of pain so your mind keeps flipping into protective mode, warning you against future pain - don't trust him, don't trust him - it says to you.

What you need to do is challenge what your mind is telling you - which you've already started to do. You need to be persistent and be aware of when you start doubting him, and challenge your thoughts. When you hear yourself questioning his love tell yourself to stop, and change the thought to affirm that he loves you and cares for you.

Your thoughts are really powerful, so changing the negative thought into a positive one - done consistently - really works.

Let your fiancée know what you're doing so that he knows you're trying - he's bearing the brunt of your distrust so it's important you communicate with him.

You might also benefit from speaking to an objective outsider, like a counselor, who can help you better understand your trust issues and give you more strategies.

Be kind to yourself, changing how we think and feel takes time.

Larken85 · May 7, 2010, 12:18 AM

I agree but add, some times you can mistrust people because you do not feel like you are worth their time or effort. Actually something you said got me on this one. "I don't even know why he puts up with me".

Fact of the matter is he puts up with you because he loves you. Now you need to love you too. Love for the one you're with is not enough, if you do not have self worth, you will always assume the worst in other people regarding yourself.

I too suggest a third person. Someone to help you through this and give you real techniques to turn those negative self worth thoughts around to positive ones. I'm sure you are something special to him, otherwise he would not have gotten engaged to you, but now you have to know that you are special too, not only to him but to yourself as well.

If there is something that you really enjoy doing that doesn't involve your boyfriend, get out and do it. Be active in it and ENJOY yourself. The more often you find yourself having fun, then more you will forget about the negativities in both the world and your own mind. (The art of Distraction)