[Equilibrium]

First of all, I just want to say that this is my first posting and I want to thank every one of you who have developed and contributed to such a helpful resource for those suffering with broken hearts.

In particular, I have been reading about the No Contact rule. It seems to be appropriate in two particular circumstances:

A - where one partner has been dumped and knows he/she never wants to get back together - here "no contact" needs to be unequivocal and complete.

B - where one partner has felt his/her love has been taken for granted and not recopricated, but really wants to make it work because they perceive the problems as having been rectifiable (even if they had not been rectified up until that point - here, "no contact" can be used to get them back by forcing upon them a situation in which they must reckon with their own motivations, and the fact that they cannot just rely on the other partner (as before) to just be there for them no matter how badly they are treated (i.e. the "no contact" reminds them that they have no rights over the other partner, and that trust must be earned and sustained, etc) - here, it seems there is a consensus that no contact can be allowed UNLESS it is of a kind testifying to a reformed attitude in the previously lukewarm partner

One obvious point about NC seems to be that there must be a clear understanding of how things stand before the NC period is embarked upon - obviously if both members are waiting for the other to contact them, neither will ever contact each other and there will be no opportunity (nevermind a hope) for reconciliation. With this practical caveat in mind, I would like some help in interpreting my own situation through the NC lens.

My girlfriend and I enjoyed three and a half years together, and were intimately in love. To everyone, it seemed like the perfect relationship, but if truth be told my own immaturities and commitment phobias were there all along and were bound to eventually come to the surface, despite having had a spiritual intuition that we were meant to be together. My girlfriend's understandable desire to plan for our future together was often met with a hostile response from me, and tension increasingly entered into what was (when viewed from the outside) our seemingly perfect relationship.

On a number of occasions, we were close to breaking up, and there were many tears. Each time, we resolved to work things out, but (whilst well-intentioned) this always proved counter-productive. In a sense, I lost the motivation to sort my life out once I had her back and this highlights the dynamic in our relations which shamefully highlights the way I took her for granted. Yes, I had incredible love for her, but I was lazy in taking pro-active steps to sustain our love and plan for the future.

I'll not go into too much detail about exactly what I needed to sort out in my own life, except to note that (whilst I have a degree and am currently working on my master's degree) I come from quite a wealthy family and have always been used to getting whatever I wanted anyway and so up until this break-up (and the NC period which has followed it) I have lacked ambition to get out there and stand on my own two feet.

She also feels I have issues with her family, but the truth is that I think they are great and what I actually did was (abeit subconsciously) magnified the tiniest little issues about them so that I could vent the frustrations arising from the above real issue. Yes, I know, this is awful, but I didn't do it consciously. In retrospect, however, I am almost sure that this is why it happened. This perceived family issue had a particularly strong effect on my girlfriend because she is so close with her family - I have been away on holiday with them several times, and have been so warm and inviting, except for something that happened last time I was away with them - because of what happened last summer on holiday, I have barely spoken to them since, and continually made excuses about why I could not attend different events with them... what started the latest set of arguments (which culminated with me breaking up with my girlfriend) was when I expressed my lack of interest in going away on holiday with the family again this summer, and to my girlfriend I told them it was because I refused to be treated as I had been the year before. Basically she felt like I had made her choose between her family and me, and although I never made such an ultimatum, I can now see the hurt I have caused, and am full of regret...

After I broke it off (which was around 4 weeks ago now) she was devastated and had to slowly begin picking up the pieces. For my part, I had a lot of work on, and barely thought about it for two whole weeks. I think I repressed the feelings. Anyway, whatever happened, two weeks later the fact of our separation hit my like a tonne of bricks. I got in touch with her by email and intimated that I felt I had made a big mistake. She responded saying it had happened too many times before, that she still loves me with all her heart, but cannot let this happen to her anymore. After the impact of all this fully started to take hold, and I began to see how the grief I was suffering was the very pain I had inflicted on her so many times before, I realised how much I had taken her love for granted. It really hit me like a thunderbolt. I cannot begin to tell you all that I have learned about myself in the last two weeks since I first realised the mistake I was making in breaking up with her. I have resolved (with hard work and perseverance) to correct all the character flaws which led to my previous state of lazy love-giving. I have also resolved to get my life sorted out completely, in terms of career etc, so that I have direction and can show my girlfriend that she can feel secure with me as a life partner. I know that this is not the same old story here, and that I am not just making poetic promises in order to get what I want (i.e. her back in my life). I feel it so strongly in my heart that I wish for us to grow together for the rest of our lives and I am now prepared to do everything I can to make a life for us together.

She said she could give me no guarantees about us getting back together in the future, but that whatever way it turns out I had to prove that I had changed - that I was fully committed to her and willing to demonstrate this by sorting out all the issues and responsibilities I had been proscratinating on... she asked for complete non-communication until after my dissertation is handed in (i.e. end of August) - that's 4 whole months!!

This NC period is not just in order to allow me space to prove to her how serious I am, but also for her to reflect upon the past and what she wants from the future. I really have left her in a precarious emotional position, and I feel sick to my stomach for this...

I had always been forgiven so easily and thus rewarded for my impatient insistence that we get back together BEFORE I actually sorted my issues out, that I never actually did anything to change them. Now I see how painful it is to be apart from her (wish the fear of it being permanent) and really wish to change these things, and I see the sense in me starting this NOW, i.e. BEFORE getting back together. I also appreciate that she needs to reflect upon things, and needs time and space apart from me in order to do this properly.

To be honest our eventual break-up (which I instigated) was nothing to do with any fundamental incompatibilities between us - the truth is quite the opposite - we are very well matched both in what we want out of life in almost all respects, and also have the most amazingly comfortable relationship and have such fun together - it is more that I continually refused to show any ambition in my life, even though most people say my potential is infinite. It is hard for me to account for my lack of maturity without it sounding like an excuse; all I can say is that I was very confused, and didn't feel motivated.

This whole experience really has been the rude awakening I have needed for so long, and I have faith that things will work out between us now that I am as committed as she is to making it work and making our life together.

Yet (and this will come as no surprise to anyone on here) I am finding the NC unbearable!! Seriously, it's a joke. Naturally, I had the initial introspective concerns that my sudden burning passion to get back together was motivated more by wanting what I could not have - whilst this no doubt had a certain effect on me, and I did feel a certain issue of "attachment" creep to the surface, but I have moved past that constructively, and I really do see clearly what a big mistake I had made (and indeed had been making for so long)...

I want to make amends, but I don't know how I will be able to get through this period without being in touch with each other. Apart from the torrent of email and texts over the last few weeks, we have had two phone conversations. The first was very very painful, and was basically all crying and wailing. The second phone conversation (which is the last contact we have had - two nights ago) was much more constructive and


Yes, I know, I'm "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". I know someone will say:

"You have tormented her for long enough with your oscillating commitment and have eventually pushed her too far this time. Just leave her alone and let her get on with her life".

I honestly want the best for her, and if she decides unequivocally that she does not want to get together again I will accept it and move on. Yet, we really love each other so much - and I am prepared to be apart, as she has asked, until the end of August, when we can slowly get in touch again and see how the time apart has clarified our heart's desires.. but what is killing me is that, unlike other NC periods, neither of us is trying to block the other out of our minds - we are all too conscious that we will be thinking of little else but each other this whole summer - yet she feels it will be good for us, so that we can think about our own lives, and reflect upon both what has come before and what we want from the future... I just don't know how to cope...

Do you see how this state of affairs makes the difficulties of remaining in NC all the more accentuated and magnified? I can barely eat, sleep or focus on work, because all I am thinking about is her, and how the things I raised as such insurmountable obstacles to our love are actually relatively easy things to rectify and resolve... I keep thinking about the love I want to show her, and the things I want to do with her... I keep tormenting myself about the emotional state she is currently in, and how it has all been caused by me.

I want to go and do all that needs to be done so that I can show her (come August) all the ways in which I have changed my approach to life and love (and how this was all motivated by this break-up experience). Throughout the long hard efforts ahead, I want to keep her in my mind as the reason for my work. I know you'll say I should do it for myself, and of course I see the merit in such a process of maturation in its own right... yet I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I am actually doing it (instead of just intending to do it) in honour of my love for her, and in the hopes of getting her back...

So what should I do? In my particular circumstances, can I really be expected to block her out of my mind's eye completely? OK sure, I can refrain from direct contact, but my mind is whirling with memories of her and desires of holding her in my embrace...

Anyway, if anyone here can teach me what I need to learn, I will appreciate it so much.

Thank you in advance! :)


(ps:~ sorry this is such a long post! Being concise is not one of my strong points!)

[Strength89]

It's obvious that you two are still in love with each other and will most likely spend the rest of your lives together. However, it's also pretty obvious that you both have a litle bit of "growing up" to do on your own--as in, you two need time away from one another to just figure yourselves out. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

As for you, it's okay to think about her constantly, to have your mind run back to the thoughts of her, to want to hold her, to kiss her, and to show her how committed you are now. It's okay to feel all of that.

Continue to be NC with her and focus on yourself--for yourself and for her. Use your love and the never ending thoughts of her to motivate you to go through every day.

Look at it like this--when people are in love, all they can think about is the other person and all they can feel is their strong emotions for the other person. Instead of looking at your situation as if you lost her (for the time being), look at it as if you fell in love with her all over again. Go back to basics. Use your feelings for her as a motivation to get yourself together.

Buy a journal/note book--write it in daily and tell her how you're feeling, both good and bad feelings. Write to her and let her know how committed you're willing to be once August come and let her know how much she means to her. Use the journal as an outlet for yourself during the next few months and when August comes around, you can decide on whether you want to share the journal with her or not.

Again, it's obvious that you two are in love so give yourself the next few months to get yourself together. You'll be fine.

Good luck.

[Equilibrium]

So you think that I should channel all my love (and need to communicate the same) into the journal? This is a fantastic idea. Thank you, Strength89. I especially like the thought of giving it to hear to read (perhaps after we make contact but before beginning our relationship afresh - so romantic - she will love it).

Having said that, I still have two issues:

1) Mixed signals - by this I don't mean that she has been in any way sending me contradictory messages - she is a good communicator and wouldn't do that - however, several things she has said (in the context of the torrent of emails which preceded the beginning of the NC period) have made me doubt my certainty that we will once again be together, provided I get myself in order - e.g. she insists on calling it a break-up and not merely a break (having said that, I was the one who split up with her, and she then had to tell everyone that we had officially split up, which was excruciatingly painful and embarrassing for her to do) - so perhaps she said this because she has already told everyone this is how it is, or alternatively, perhaps she is either saying this in order that such uncertainty will mean that I bear in mind throughout the NC the need to appreciate her and not take her for granted. Either way, regardless of the "classification", the substance of it is still the same. I only raise this point because it is another reason why I am going to find this period so difficult - it might all be to no avail, at least in terms of "our" future...

2) Wouldn't LC be more appropriate here? - This issue is actually moot, for it is NC she has asked for, and NC to which I have agreed. At the same time, from all that I have recently read about NC, I would have thought that it is a bit extreme for our situation. What do you think? To be honest, I have learned so much about myself and my girlfriend's relationship (not to mention myself as a person) in these last couple of weeks brought on by the mere prospect of a 4 month NC period with her, so maybe NC will continue to teach me valuable lessons in all corners of my life. However, 4 months NC just seems so long. I just feel that we would both make more progress if we were to have a weekly (or even monthly) chat on the phone, just to catch up and see how each other is keeping. I just fear that, in order not to drive myself insane over the next four months, I will have to block her out of my mind artificially (i.e. repression/supression), and then risk losing the incentive to reacquaint myself with her at a later date. Even the prospect of blocking her out of my mind strikes me as in some way an insult to her and our love for each other, but how else will I be able to cope??

[Homegirl 50]

Regardless of what you are feeling, you need to leave her alone. If at the end she does not want to come back, hopefully you would have used this time to improve yourself.
There is a saying "you never miss the water until the well runs dry" She is gone and now you are really missing her and realising there are things about yourself you need to work on. Do it!

I like the idea about a journal, this will help you work on you. But right now, you need to leave her alone.
When you treat people with little regard sooner or later it comes back to bite you.
This NC is not about you, it's about her. She needs the time. That is one thing you may try and learn. Not everything is about you and your feelings and what you want.

[QLP]

She has given you several weeks to sort yourself out. So what are you actually going to do to achieve that?

How about getting yourself some counselling booked so that you can start actually working through those commitment issues properly. Not only will it give you somewhere to deal with these overwhelming feelings and insight into what went wrong in the past, but it will show your girlfriend that you actually took some action.

[Gemini54]

I really feel your pain! It's very hard when we know that the lessons we have to learn are ours alone. No one here can teach you what you need to learn - in actual fact, through this pain and distress - you're teaching yourself.

Part of the problem here is that you took her for granted when you were together and now that she doesn't want to be together, you're all aflame with desire for her. Even though you now, in retrospect, describe a sublime relationhsip with quasi spiritual connections, you also describe yourself as unhappy and restless and at the point of breaking up a number of times.

You go on to say that this is due to your character flaws which you will endeavor to change in 4 months to prove yourself to her.

Please forgive my cynicism, but I'm unsure how you're going to become a 'new person' in 4 months - with life direction, commitment and stability suddenly injected into your personality. I sincerely hope that you're not expecting too much of yourself (and of her).

However, I can certainly see that you want to try, and this is commendable, if not somewhat optimistic. May I suggest that you do a number of things?.

- don't contact her - respect her request for total NC - this is your biggest test
- speak to a counsellor - try and unpack what it is that has made you restless and self centered in the relationship
- do this work for yourself, because in the end you will benefit regardless of what happens with her
- be realistic - you may not get what you want - she may decide not to resume the relationship, and this is what she will believe is best for her.

If you really, genuinely love her then respect her wishes and if needs be, let her go.

If she comes back to you then you need to proceed with openness and awareness of yourself and be prepared to question and evaluate your own behavior. This doesn't stop when and if she comes back to you - it's a life long process, and it's not for the faint hearted!

I wish you well, and honestly hope that it works out the way you want.

[Strength89]

Equilibrium,

The best and safest route to follow at this point is TOTAL NC. Being in total NC is the hardest and most painful thing to have to do but in the long run, it's the best thing you could do for yourself.

Please do not go LC with her, that will confuse you and her even more. Going LC gives you the opportunity to know how she's doing and I can guarantee you that you'll read into every little thing she says to you and over analyze it to the point where her simple words will eat you raw. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE EATEN RAW? You are already feeling the withdrawal of not having her around; you are already feeling the pain--do you really want to give yourself more pain by talking to her?

The reason why I suggest getting a journal is because I've learned through experience that writing to something/someone that cannot reply or talk back gives me the opportunity to say whatever that is on my mind or in my heart.

Some of the few things I've done in the past to get over a broken relationship are: Wrote letters to him and sent it to an old address of mine (whoever lives there now receives them and lord, I wonder what they did with the letters), created an email account and gave myself a few weeks to forget the pw (made sure that I remember the email address) and I wrote emails to the email address as if I'm actually really writing to him, saying everything I wanted to say and I wrote long, long, long, long letters to him in my journal, on random papers, in my class notebook, in my itouch--anything I got my hands on, I wrote on and forget about whatever that I wrote and a few days later (if I remember), I go back and simply toss the paper away. Sometimes I read what I wrote and sometimes I didn't care at all to read.

My point is--you need to find an outlet for yourself to relieve yourself of all that you want and feel the need to say. The outlet can be anything but her. In all honesty, she doesn't need to know how you're doing or how you're feeling. She has her own emotions to deal with, don't complicate life for her with your emotions and pain.

If you are interested, I can share with you the ways I've learned to overcome break ups/separations/pain/withdrawal with relationships of any types.

Again, good luck and keep us posted.

[Homegirl 50]

She wants a break up or whatever she is calling it, give it to her. Don't try and justify reasons to disrespect her wishes.
She has told you what she wants and you're trying to take hold of her wishes and control them for your good and ease. Don't do that.
NC means NC

[Equilibrium]

I caved in and sent an email and two texts to her, and when she responded by text she basically said that she really needs me to respect this request for non-communication, and that I'm not doing myself any favours by breaking the rules constantly. I asked if I could call her, and she said yes, so I called her and we spoke, but I started to annoy her, basically explaining that I don't know how I am going to cope with us being apart all summer, that I think it'll kill me, and that the only way I think I can deal with it is if I artificially repress any thought of her out of my mind - and I also said that, if I do this, I risk growing to resent her for making me do it, and that it'll most likely kill any chance of reconciliation. She asked me to think of her, and what she wanted, which was to have time and space to think. She said she missed me so much, and has barely slept in the last month. I assured her that I was sorry, and that I had only been in touch because I loved her so much, and being apart was really killing me (which it is)... I then promised that we wouldn't be in touch again until she chooses to contact me.

So I'm back to square one with the NC period (although, to be fair, it was only three days till this point) - but I now see how important it is to her to have this time and space, and how I am making it harder for her to think clearly by constantly interrupting that time and space with communication.

I REALLY WON'T CONTACT HER AGAIN THIS TIME

It's going to be very tough, but I love her and I must respect her wishes. As she said herself:

"Whatever happens at the end of all of this is for the best".

PS:~ Strength89: you're definitely right about the pitfalls and frustrations of LC, but the thing that Facebook etc mean that (to a limited extent) I can find out what she's doing anyway, and so in NC it is even worse, because I know what she's doing but can't talk to her at all! I guess I just need to be disciplined.

[Homegirl 50]

[QUOTE=Equilibrium;2342585]I caved in and sent an email and two texts to her, and when she responded by text she basically said that she really needs me to respect this request for non-communication, and that I'm not doing myself any favours by breaking the rules constantly. I asked if I could call her, and she said yes, so I called her and we spoke, but I started to annoy her, basically explaining that I don't know how I am going to cope with us being apart all summer, that I think it'll kill me, and that the only way I think I can deal with it is if I artificially repress any thought of her out of my mind - and I also said that, if I do this, I risk growing to resent her for making me do it, and that it'll most likely kill any chance of reconciliation. She asked me to think of her, and what she wanted, which was to have time and space to think. She said she missed me so much, and has barely slept in the last month. I assured her that I was sorry, and that I had only been in touch because I loved her so much, and being apart was really killing me (which it is)... I then promised that we wouldn't be in touch again until she chooses to contact me.

So I'm back to square one with the NC period (although, to be fair, it was only three days till this point) - but I now see how important it is to her to have this time and space, and how I am making it harder for her to think clearly by constantly interrupting that time and space with communication.
QUOTE]
Well Duh!
It's not about you dude. This is the lesson you need to learn. Respect her wishes by leaving her alone for the alloted time.

[Equilibrium]

I agree with you, Homegirl50, but please don't patronise me. It is very difficult, as I'm sure you can appreciate. She hasn't asked me for a month, or even two months, but four!Anyway, I AM going to respect her wishes from now on in the NC (for as long as it takes).

[Homegirl 50]

I was not patronising you. You asked for ways to help, things you can learn and you have been told to leave her alone, give her space. Yet you try to justify why you should not and then you contact her anyway and she told you to knock it off. What did you expect she would say?

You said yourself that you are used to getting what you want, I assume you are also used to having your way. This is the lesson you need to learn. It is not about you, and what will make it easier for you. This is about her needing time to figure things out.
I know four months is a long time and I feel for you. At the end of all of this you will hopefully learned what you needed to learn.

[Equilibrium]

Thanks Homegirl50

I really do want to shed every last shred of narcissism and selfishness in my character. I can about her so much. I see a lot of very negative stuff on the net, where unfortunately bruised girls come away from heartbreak with an "all men are bastards" attitude - and many of the comments to this effect seem to suggest some sort of predestination ("leopards don't change their spots", etc) - yet this cannot be true, right?

Obviously on the journey to becoming less selfish is going to take time and humility and I can only really reach this destination by practising it in my life, but can you suggest anything that might help me along? Any particular threads on here, or anything else on the net? I need all the help I can get!

[Gemini54]

Thanks Homegirl50

I really do want to shed every last shred of narcissism and selfishness in my character. I can about her so much. I see a lot of very negative stuff on the net, where unfortunately bruised girls come away from heartbreak with an "all men are bastards" attitude - and many of the comments to this effect seem to suggest some sort of predestination ("leopards don't change their spots", etc) - yet this cannot be true, right?

Obviously on the journey to becoming less selfish is going to take time and humility and I can only really reach this destination by practising it in my life, but can you suggest anything that might help me along? Any particular threads on here, or anything else on the net? I need all the help I can get!

Equilibrium, read the stickies at the top of the relationships forum, they may help. Also, humility and generosity are all around you, rather than trawling the net to research how to become a better person, why don't you look around you at the people you know and admire. What qualities do they have, how do they respond? How might you emulate them?

I really think you'd benefit from seeing a counselor - it's most often easier to work on ourselves if we have an objective outsider helping us. I notice that you haven't responded to this suggestion, made by a couple of posters including myself, and I believe it's never to early or too late for honest self-analysis.

But, do it for you - so that you can become a better person, not because you want to impress her - otherwise your effort may well be wasted. It's going to be a long 4 months for you, you may as well put it to good use!

[Strength89]

I think it's completely okay that you contacted her so don't beat yourself up too much (if you are) for going against the many wonderful advices that are being given to you on this site.

Oftentimes, we tend to go against great advices and do the complete opposite of what we've been told not to do. We, with the ability to feel all sorts of emotions, tend to do what we think will get us good results when in all actuality and logicality, we know damn well that the result will be just as bad as the break up if not worse. People can take the time to tell us over and over again to not do this or that but until we hit that stop button ourselves and tell ourselves to not do it, we will continue to do whatever that we were told not to do.

Equilibrium, what you are feeling, we've (people on the site) felt before. Your feelings are typical and normal. You may not think so or feel so right now but keep in mind that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. Hell, how can I think that your feelings aren't killing you, right? It isn't, that's why. Your confusion, pain, anger, frustration, all of your emotions are not killing you because you are still feeling them. You feel the never ending twist in your stomach, the extremely heavy pressure on your chest, the empty hole in your heart, you feel all of that. They are telling you that you're still breathing and alive. I felt that once before, every one else on this planet felt that before so are you alone, no, you are never alone. However, you feel alone because your heart break is different from mine and hers and his. So when you're sitting at home and you're hurting and asking, "Why me?" Tell yourself this: YOU because it is now YOUR turn to have a life changing experience that will make you a better person in the end. YOU because you need to experience this to grow from who you've already become in life, to learn more than what you already know about yourself and life in general.

I will put this out there bluntly and extremely honestly. NO ONE can help you move forward but yourself. Your family, friends and people on this site can guide you and hold your hand through the many stages of a break up but only YOU can truly help yourself heal from this. Until you learn to move forward and until you succeed in doing so, keep trying. Come onto the site and find a cyber friend in all of us who are very willing and very capable of giving you a few comforting words.

So, Equilibrium, good luck to you again and remember, there is always a rainbow after the rain.

[Equilibrium]

WOW

I am a new man! I now understand both in my mind AND my heart that you can't ever truly love another until you truly love yourself, and I can't believe it has been so simple to start to love myself again! It was a sudden realisation, and it hit me like a thunderbolt! I am 100% confident not only that I will be able to deal with any hurdle along the way and succeed in whatever I choose to do with my life, but when the penny dropped earlier on this afternoon, I suddenly found it so easy to start loving everyone around me!

Please understand me... whilst you may think I am being overly optimistic and urge me to remember that there will still be tough days to come, I genuinely mean what I say when I say that this is not some manic exaggeration but a deep and profound personal emancipation. I am alive!

Thank you all for your encouragement and your advice. I will be sure to check back in and let you know my progress as I make it. Who knows, someday soon I might even be in a position to give advice!

One day at a time, obviously, yet I just needed to check back in and let you know how happy I am to have reached this epiphany and to express my appreciation for all the advice, both on this particular thread and all the other very illuminating ones, especially the stickies!

THANKS :)

[Equilibrium]

Just an update:

After I broke up with my ex, her mum encouraged her to go on a trip to get her head cleared, and she did this (was on the other side of the world for three weeks). When she returned, she sent me a text suggesting maybe we meet up in the next couple of weeks. That was a week ago. Tonight, she sends me a text, suggesting we meet up next weekend...

Anybody got any advice on how to approach the first face to face chat in over two months>? I don't want to play it all cool. I miss her so very much, and I don't think it's wrong to show her it, but I also know that she is trying to be all cool at the moment; she doesn't want her feelings hurt again, and has understandable concerns about my personality... while she loves me for it, loves my energy and talkativeness and humour etc, she also thinks of how changeable I can be, and she fears that in ten years time (or whenever) that I will get bored of Revolutionary Road's white picket fences and leave her...

The problem is that I can't seem to think straight about these issues when I try. I want to be able to tell her that won't happen, and obviously right now I don't foresee (or intend) that it will be, but I AM very changeable, and I don't want to mess her about! Right now, I want us to be together so much, but I fear that there is something disordered and unhealthy about my motivations for wanting to get back together...

I obviously want her back, but it will only be good for her (and for me) if we re-unite as a result of an honest heart-felt meeting of minds and a shared intention for the future... if I have to start trying to persuade her, then surely isn't that an admission on my part that I can't get her back through complete honest conversation, and so probably shouldn't be with her in the first place?

[talaniman]

Then don't persuade her, just listen, and if she wants things to work cool. If she doesn't, bow out gracefully, and go do your thing, and leave her alone.

[Strength89]

I think two months isn't enough time for the both of you. Ask her to give the two of you more time to heal from the last break up and to learn more about yourselves and what you really want.

I think the two of you need MORE time.