[slapshot_oi]

in the end it is her decision and therefore her responibility. Am I right?

.. . Is this a serious question?

She said she was on pills and I trusted her to look after it.

You knew that you were going to be this upset about having a child, I would think you'd go the extra mile and wear a condom.

Why I should be forced into sitation like that? My life is already a big mess, I can't afford to make it even bigger. She had ambitions to finish her accountancy course, I wanted to sort out my life properly too... Why should I suddenly change everything around just because SHE wants it. It is not fair.

You are very selfish and stupid.

This is 100% your fault being as your 38 and still have your head up your a** like a teenager whining that "it is not fair". Learn to take responsibility.

[chuff]

If she has the baby, I am going to leave her. As you say, it is not only about me, but the same time not only about her. iF she wants a baby, she can have it, but without my support, as i did not plan anything like that. So many people make abortions evryday, why isn't she so open minded? It is not a good situation for her either, she just claims that this his her believe and if she makes abortion, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

Why should she take around the guilt for the rest of her life, and put her body in danger by having an abortion because at 38 years old you haven't got your act together. I'm not knocking not having your life together at 38, but if that's the case maybe you should have focused on putting the pieces where you wanted them before you took on the responsibility that comes with having sex.

[I wish]

Extreme harshness

You sound extremely selfish.

You shouldn't be having sex with anyone until you're ready to face the possible consequences.

I guess this sticky has no meaning for you: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...dy-399072.html

[QLP]

Why I should be forced into sitation like that? My life is already a big mess, I can't afford to make it even bigger. She had ambitions to finish her accountancy course, I wanted to sort out my life properly too... Why should I suddenly change everything around just because SHE wants it. It is not fair.

I am going to tell you about 2 people I care about:

The first was being treated for a relatively minor medical condition and had a very rare reaction to the drugs. She now has a really serious chronic condition which robbed her of her social life, her job, and plans she had for having a family. She is in almost constant physical pain. She is 21.

The second was hit by a drunk driver and is paralysed down one side for the rest of his life. He is in his early 30s.

That's what I call unfair.

Now, I'll tell you a little more about these people:

The first has found a way of earning a little money and keeping in touch with people by using a laptop from her bed. She has not given up hope that she will find a way to beat her illness, but she makes the best of things with what she has every day.

The second was a landscape gardener. He has retrained as a web-designer. He has to do all his work one-handed.

We can all feel bitter about the hands that life deal us, but it's how we play the cards we are landed with that counts.

Try and deal with your anger, stop all this unfair nonsense, and work out how to move forwards as an adult. Yes you have a right to feel let down that your girlfriend messed up with the contraception. Yes it's unfair that your girlfriend has more power over whether to have an abortion than you do. The alternative would be to allow men to force women to have or not have children. Since the woman is the one that has to carry the child and risk her health, that would surely be even more unfair. Biology is unfair - otherwise we could choose to let you guys take a turn and you could choose whether to do so.

You have to get past this whole anger and bitterness thing before you can look at what the right thing is to do next.

[Gemini54]

If she has the baby, I am going to leave her. As you say, it is not only about me, but the same time not only about her. iF she wants a baby, she can have it, but without my support, as i did not plan anything like that. So many people make abortions evryday, why isn't she so open minded? It is not a good situation for her either, she just claims that this his her believe and if she makes abortion, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

Sorry, but that is a really revolting statement. I do understand your frustration regarding the unexpected pregnancy, but what happened to talking about this together and not just trying to have your own way?

You may not have planned to have this baby, but many things happen in our lives that we don't plan - sickness, death, accidents, business failures, etc. We have to adjust very often to things that change our lives completely, and which we haven't chosen.

Holding your breath until you turn blue won't resolve this situation - but talking together, as adults and as a couple will.

As QLP so wisely says, there are far worse things in life than an unexpected pregnancy. It just depends on your perception.

[Homegirl 50]

If this lady got pregnant on purpose, shame on her, but I don't know why she'd purposely do it. She has a lot to lose as well. I can remember years ago when I was on the pill I think I missed a pill here and there and it wasn't on purpose.

At any rate, she is pregnant and does not want to abort. I would not be able to do that either. If you want nothing to do with her and the baby then don't, but you need to pay child support.
When two adults decide to have sex they are both responsible to protect themselves. You thought she was, but were you? (condom) You are not a teenager. Her having this baby is not about you. Her life will change drastically with or without you.
You say you have a daughter you see from time to time and you're worried about what you'll say to her. You tell her that people often do irresponsible things and when they do, they do the right thing and deal with the consequences. You are also giving your daughter a lesson on how men treat women, how she can expect to be treated. Is this what you want your daughter to see in you?

This is an unfortunate situation, but we are talking about a life here, a life that you helped to create. Do the right thing.
I think once you calm down you will see things a little differently. Right now you are throwing a tantrum. Soon you will be your 38 year old man self. I hope
I wish you well.

[Homegirl 50]

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexisHAVANA
If she has the baby, I am going to leave her. As you say, it is not only about me, but the same time not only about her. iF she wants a baby, she can have it, but without my support, as i did not plan anything like that. So many people make abortions evryday, why isn't she so open minded? It is not a good situation for her either, she just claims that this his her believe and if she makes abortion, she will regret it for the rest of her life.


You might want to try and be a little open-minded yourself.

[alexisHAVANA]

What's done is done. She does not respect my family, she knew my situation, she knew how it is hard for me and my daughter to see each other only from time to time. There is no love here, she is not a part of me, as she is with her mum all the time. She does not feel she has the father. I am not going to allow this situation again. We haven't created any stable relationship over a year or so to have a base for a loving family and having children. This is how I see my life in my future, not the way it is now, not by accident... So many people go through abortions every day... she could have focused on her education, on her career, or building up a happy relationship, instead of a grief over an aborted child that she has never even seen or hold in her arms.
As I said, what is done is done, she is out of my life. This is not my child, as I did not plan for it. I do have a family that I need to look after, my daughter, my mum, my sisters etc.

[kutocer]

What was the point on coming on here and asking for advice when you knew what you was going to do. Your no man and I hope she takes you to the courts and dries you of everything you got. You used it and its both of you that take responsibility for the actions you take. I hope that she's pleased that your no longer with her and she can move on with her life and not be with a moron. Grow up

[QLP]

So the relationship is over with the girlfriend. There is still going to be a child who will one day be asking, 'where is my daddy?'

The fact that you do not love your girlfriend does not mean you can't allow yourself to love your child.

Love isn't something that we have to ration out. You can love your new child without taking anything away from your present family.

It seems you have an ideal vision of what life should be like and are not prepared to make the best of what you are given. You are determined to stay focused on the fact that your girlfriend refuses to have an abortion rather than try and look beyond that.

I guess there's not much point saying anything more to you as you have spat the dummy and dug your heels in.

I seriously hope your girlfriend is handling this with more maturity, as that poor baby needs at least one adult in its life...

[Cat1864]

I am starting to wonder about your intentions on posting here.

I will ask one last time: Has the pregnancy been confirmed by a doctor?

[alexisHAVANA]

Yes, the pregnancy has been confirmed!

[I wish]

More harshness

I think that it's OK to believe that you want to stablize your life before making such a huge commitement. It's understandable to have a stable relationship, stable job and stable income before considering having a child together.

However, you keep blaming her and not taking any responsibility yourself. The way I see it is, you never had the intention of having a child with her. Did you just assume that she would have an abortion if there was an accident? Did you have that conversation with her before having sex?

You sound extremely irresponsible of your own actions and not willing to face the consequences of your OWN actions. Since you didn't want a child with her in the first place, you should have had enough self-restraint from having sex just in case something like this happened.

You can tell us all you want that this is not your child, but that argument is not going to hold up in court when there is a DNA test. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop shifting the blame.

You don't have to stay in a romantic relationship with this person, but the child is yours and you should support him or her.

[Cat1864]

instead of a grief over an aborted child that she has never even seen or hold in her arms.

You are focusing on after birth. She isn't.

How involved in your ex-wife's pregnancy were you? Did you not see the changes in her at the early stages of the pregnancy? The time when only the female can feel the fluttering kicks and punches of the fetus/child? The time when it becomes clear to her that she is carrying a new life that she is responsible for? Did you go through, what so many men do, the envy of not being able to feel those first movements? Do you remember the first time that you felt your daughter kick while she was still inside your ex-wife? Do you remember all of the worries, hopes, fears, joys, etc. that come with being a new parent even before the baby is born? Did you have the discussions of what to name the baby? Were you in the labor room with her while she went through the pain and fear that comes with getting ready for the birth? Were you there when she gave birth the new person that was already your daughter? That's what you are forgetting-all that happens before the baby takes it's first breath.

Storks do not bring fully developed babies as you well know. She may not have held the baby in her arms, but she is holding it right now.

On the topic of disrespect, how much respect did you have for her to have sex without feelings or commitment while making her solely responsible for the future of both of you and any 'accidents'? Using someone for sex doesn't seem very respectful to me.

[jmw0713]

Hey buddy, I know that things in your life may not be going like you want. S--- happens. I remember back when I graduated HS, my buddy knocked up his girlfriend. It was a "accident", but he manned up and supported her and the child even though he only worked at McDonald's, making $5.25 an hour. He took on the responsibility for that child and now 9 years later, he would have done anything differently. Yes, he tells me all the time how much of a challenge it was. He tells me about all the time he wanted to run away and leave, but he didn't. He didn't because he loved his daughter. He didn't because he knew that if he left his girl (now wife) and daughter to fend for themselves, that they would end up in some ghetto around here doing anything they could to survive.

You have an obligation to try to have an influence in this child's life. You have an obligation to provide for this child no matter how much their mother is to blame or how much of a b---- she is.

Stuff like this happens too often in the world today. That is why the fabric of society is being torn to shreds. That's why you have abuse, criminals, poverty, and other social issues. It all stems from the break down of the family unit, or the complete lack of a mother or father figure in the lives of youth. I see it every time I drive into my city.

[Jake2008]

This could be one of those situations where you are right all the way around, and your reaction is not unusual to having news of a baby coming from a woman who messed up her pills. Whether on purpose- who knows, but chances are, if she were on the pill, she would not have put YOU in this position. That I totally understand, and I sympathize with you.

To those couples who use multiple forms of birth control, well, good for you. Indications in some posts suggest that you should have used a condom in addition to her being on the pill. I personally don't know anyone who does that.

It seems a huge consequence to pay to know that at least the next 18 years of your life you have to take on the responsibility, emotionally, financially and otherwise, to support this kid. I don't get the impression that you are going to back away from your obligation.

But, to me this is a different situation than many unplanned pregnancies. Some are done on purpose to trick a man into marriage, or to keep a man. Some pregnancies happen because neither partner cares to use birth control, then turn around and call it an 'accident'. Some get pregnant by many different men, and even the best of these men are facing many difficulties with the ex girlfriends lifestyle, parenting skills etc.

Your life IS important in the decisions regarding this baby. You are starting as an eventual parent to a child you didn't want, by an irresposible girlfriend. She could have said, "oops, I forgot to take my pills, we can't have sex until next week", or "I screwed up taking my pills, so get yourself to the drugstore for some condoms", but she made the choice to have, essentially, unprotected sex, that resulted in a baby.

I do think that you have the short end of the stick here, and will pay a very heavy price for many years to come.

While you have been dealt this hand, there is nothing you can do, legally or otherwise, except pay support. What kind of relationship you decide to have with this child, is up to you.

I am hoping that when the dust settles, and the roles of you and your girlfriend are established that the clear denominator left, will be the welfare of the baby. At some point you may wish to establish visitation, maybe you won't. But, for your sake, I hope you don't cut off your nose to spite your face, but leave your future options open.

I hope that the shock wears off soon, and you accept that this is going to happen, whether you wanted it or not, and regardless of how unfair it is. Try not to think only exclusion right now. The future is yet, unwritten.

[Catsmine]

As i said, what is done is done, she is out of my life. This is not my child, as I did not plan for it. I do have a family that i need to look after, my daughter, my mum, my sisters etc.

Wrong. You will pay for this baby, and not only in money. Your actions now will determine how all of your families see you. Will your daughter respect you when she hears about this? Will your mum be disappointed again(all mothers are disappointed in their children from time to time)? Will your sisters be embarrassed to be related to you?

Your "plans" have to be re-thought, as they have run into an obstacle. Reality changes plans, not the other way around.

[Homegirl 50]

, instead of a grief over an aborted child that she has never even seen or hold in her arms.
As i said, what is done is done, she is out of my life. This is not my child, as I did not plan for it. I do have a family that i need to look after, my daughter, my mum, my sisters etc.

This is spoken like a person who has not carried a child. For most women, when we realize we are pregnant we see what we are carrying as a child, a life and we love it long before we hold our little one, so to have such a flippant attitude towards abortion is IMO distasteful. Like throwing away a pair of shoes you don't want.

You have a family of females and I wonder what they would think of you and your attitude towards a child you helped create. I wonder what your daughter would think of how you have handled this. How cold.

[Homegirl 50]

[B][chuff agrees: Agreed. But you don't just have to be female appreciate holding a child. He's just a coward, neither woman nor man just a coward./B]

I agree chuff

[talaniman]

Most 38 year old guys accept that life isn't always fair, and they make adjustments to deal with the new reality they face.

Now you can cry, and rant about the unfairness of it all ( vasectomy anyone? ), or you can face the facts, and meet this new challenge like the mature adult your age implies, and do the right thing in a tough situation.

Then you don't have to make excuses to any one, not even your daughter, nor the child your g/f is carrying for you. Lets face it, this child will have more questions than your own daughter.

Challenging, and when your emotional dust settles, you will meet the challenge, or run away from it.

That's your choice in the matter, not that it happened, but what you do about it. So take some time to make a good plan, not just for you, but everyone that's affected by your own actions.

Setting up child support would be the first thing to do, as the court will bite you in the butt later, after you think your sh!t is together like you want it. Where ever you choose to run, and hide to.