[alexisHAVANA]

My girlfriend is 27 and I am 38. She just told me she is pregnant. I tried to convince her to have an abortion as I cannot have a child at this stage of my life. I am already divorced and have a daughter of 9years old who I see from time to time. I don't want to go through the same **** as I did all my life. I have been living in london for 7 years trying to make my living and find the person I can trust. My girlfriend messed up with the pills and now she says she does not want to have abortion. She does not respect my life and my family. I cannot and don't want to be forced to any situation I don't desire in my life. I don't want my daughter to ask me: Daddy, why do you have a baby with another women? etc. I don't want to loose my daughter and I don't want to loose my life. I think if leaving my girlfriend if she decide to keep it. At the end it is her decision and therefore her responibility. Am I right? I cannot trust her anymore...

[Larken85]

I don't know where you come from but where I am from the father pays childsupport and that's that. I'm sorry, I cannot give good advice on this as I am 100% against abortion unless its rape or under the age of 14. So sorry, but I just can't even begin to talk without wanted to yell

[amicon]

You can't demand an abortion,its your girlfriends decision to make.

If not having another child is such a big issue,why didn't you make sure you were in charge of the method of contraception?

[alexisHAVANA]

You can't demand an abortion,its your girlfriends decision to make.

If not having another child is such a big issue,why didnt you make sure you were in charge of the method of contraception?

She said she was on pills and I trusted her to look after it. She never mentioned she missed any and when she told me she was pregnant, she revealed she missed some of them. I don't deserve this to happen to me. She made a mistake now she wants me to pay for it??

[QLP]

Can you imagine how heartless that must sound to your girlfriend? Try putting yourself in her shoes for a moment. She is in a reletionship with you, you are both happy to have sex, and then when she gets pregnant it's a case of 'get rid or I'm out of here.' So did this relationship mean nothing to you?

In any case what's done is done. Your girlfriend doesn't want an abortion and you have no right to force her to. So instead of worrying about how much it has messed up your life you have to start dealing with it.

You say you live in London, so I assume that means you are subject to UK laws and are aware of the CSA, of course you will be liable financially even if you duck all other responsibilities.

You don't want to upset your daughter, but how do you know that she won't be able to accept the situation? In 18 years time your new child may well come looking for you, if you absent yourself from its life now. Your daughter may well find out at some time anyway. So then you have the abandoned child to deal with as well as a daughter who resents you hiding this from her. Would that be better?

What sort of man do you want your daughter to see you as? One who runs away from his responsibilities and lies about them, or one who accepts things didn't work out as expected but is man enough to deal with that?

Why does having another child mean 'losing your life?'. It will change it yes, but if you can adapt it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I presume you are in shock at the moment and also get the impression that you think your girlfriend did this on purpose to trap you.

I think you need to give yourself a chance to get over the initial shock then talk to your girlfriend sensibly about everything, without issuing ultimatums. You have to remember this is about another child as well now.

[Romefalls19]

Um, no you made the mistake as well. Just because she's on the pill doesn't mean you let your little guy play outside in the rain without a jacket. Honestly, you sound like a coward who is afraid to step up to the plate. YOU are just as much responsible in this matter as she is. You can't force someone into killing another living thing yet that is what you want to do. I hope she takes you cowardly arse to court and rakes you over the coals. She deserves better than some poor excuse for a man

[kctiger]

Agree with some others on here. Having sex is a responsibility. Just because one of you claims to be using protection doesn't mean that only one of you is responsible for what sex is MEANT to be for... to reproduce!

There is a question of morality that I won't touch here. The bottom line is that you need to be a man. Don't have sex with someone if you can't accept the fact that at the end of the day, what happens is your responsibility as well. May not be a desirable situation to be in, but such is life.

[Devorameira]

First off, you need to stop blaming her for the pregnancy. You’re an adult and should know that NO method of birth control is 100% effective except abstinence. If you didn’t want another child, you should have kept your zipper zipped.

Whether she has an abortion or not is entirely up to her. And if she does not have an abortion then she will of course have a legal right to obtain child support money from you.

It’s obvious that if your girlfriend keeps the baby it will drive you apart, but I also know that if she feels coerced by you into having an abortion when she really does not want one, then that will drive you apart too.

Sounds like you think the relationship should be all about you alone- no one else, so my opinion is that she’d be better off without you. It’s obvious that you are no real catch, as it shows that you are uncaring and unsupportive.

Let her have the baby - I’m sure she’ll meet another fellow that will love her dearly and be a father to your child.

[Cat1864]

Accidents happen even when contraceptives are used properly. The only 100% effective method (short of her ovaries and uterus being surgically removed) of birth control is to not have any kind of sexual contact with a member of the opposite sex. That includes using the same hand to play with your genitalia and hers. Any time you have sex it could (however slight the chance) result in pregnancy.

Has the pregnancy been confirmed by a doctor?

You aren't going to find many people who will tell you that you have no responsibility in this matter. I think even your own conscience is telling you that you should step up not out.

There is so much focus on you getting your life in order and doing what you want to do. I think that focus is causing you to miss out on a lot of things that are now becoming rationalizations for acting like a teenage boy who got a girl pregnant the first time they had sex. You say that you see your daughter 'from time to time', but then want to use her possible reaction as an excuse to runaway from a new responsibility.

How long have you been running? How much is this possible pregnancy causing you to rethink your relationship with your daughter? How many holes is it exposing in what you thought you wanted your life to be at this stage?

[I wish]

You should really have considered the consequences before sleeping together: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...dy-399072.html

You should not have had sex if you weren't ready to the possible accident.

Now, own up to your mistakes and face the consequences. You can't force her to do anything that she's uncomfortable with.

[Larken85]

Humans make mistakes. Its not like she was trying to trap you into this, heck she was probably just trying to please you. And you hate her for it now, that's messed up.

[jmw0713]

Dude you are 38 years old and should be mature enough by now to shoulder the responsibility of having a child. You can not blame her for results of actions that you both committed.

You got to pay to play!

[lickemlolly]

while I hear what you said... the fact that you don't want a child doesn't exempt you from being responsible for it.. children learn to accept things.. its what they do.. she will probably b happy to have a sister or brother... thats your girlfriend not just some random girl off the street.. you can't change it so start preparing for it

[chuff]

Alex, you sound like quite the douche bag. I think you are also leaving some things out. This sounds like you are "committed" to someone else and your fling on the side got pregnant. I love to how you blame her for getting the pills mixed up so that should result in the death of your baby. You are 38 years old, maybe you ought to grow a pair at this age and be responsible for your actions and quit acting like a 16 year old.

[Gemini54]

Actually, I'm a woman and I can understand that you feel angry about this unwanted pregnancy. Women seem to have a lot of power don't they? - The power over life and death and you have no say in it.

You trusted her to take care of the contraception (mistake no 1) and she messed it up - I suspect you're also wondering if she did it on purpose. It's cold comfort now, but having sex and taking precautions against pregnancy is the responsibility of both people - you aren't the first man to have forgotten this and you won't be the last.

It's interesting how we get our lessons isn't it? Life is like that - one little slip, and bam! It all changes.

You can't MAKE her have an abortion. You can certainly talk to her about it - but judging from your post, it seems to be all about YOU. What about HER? Do you think that deciding to have a child is an easy decision?

In any case, how do you know you will lose your daughter and lose your life if the pregnancy goes ahead? What rubbish. Your daughter may well love her step-sibling and surprise, surprise you may well love your child as well.

I suspect you're being taught a hard lesson in responsibility - see if you are man enough to take it on.

[Jake2008]

I agree with Gemini in that I can understand why you would feel betrayed by your girlfriend getting pregnant, because she messed up her pills. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to take one pill every day.

The two of you did take precautions, by her being on the pill. The pill didn't work because she screwed up.

I would say that you should have a big part, an equal part in deciding what the future will hold. You cannot force her to have an abortion, although she has rejected that. You are therefore left in the position of having a lifelong responsibility to a child you didn't want, by a woman who couldn't remember to take her pills properly.

Very thoughtful of her to tell you after she was pregnant that she messed up her pills. Had she refrained from sex, or told you that she'd messed up her pills, I'm sure you would have at the very least bought some condoms. She did not give you that opportunity, and I wonder too if she got pregnant on purpose. What a way to bring a baby into this world.

Sadly you are forced to be a father, and cannot avoid the financial responsibility, as well as the myriad of other ties that now bind you- your family will be involved, her family, your daughter, etc. It will be a difficult adjustment to make, but not an impossible one.

Many have walked in your shoes and faced the same life changing situation. When the shock and worry wears away, you'll adjust because you have to, for the sake of this baby that you created- with or without your permission.

I hope this all works out well for everyone concerned.

[Showme_urmove]

Having a child is a gift of life, not a toy that you can just throw away! You

She does not respect my life and my family. I cannot and don't want to be forced to any situation I don't desire in my life.

how is it, Her trying to do the right thing and become a mother for YOUR CHILD forcing you to do anything.
Your not respecting her life, all you want her to think about is YOU, YOU, and YOU!

If you think about it, you already hate your child, before you even know your child!
Your not being a man, This is your chance to prove, that you can be a father, and maybe a darn good husband.

i dont know why people have sex, dont mine sex, talks about sex, dream about sex, but when it comes down to taking care of business they become a coward, heartless, selfish, and finger pointers.
If you know which hole to stick it in, then you should know the consequences of it.

[alexisHAVANA]

Why I should be forced into sitation like that? My life is already a big mess, I can't afford to make it even bigger. She had ambitions to finish her accountancy course, I wanted to sort out my life properly too... Why should I suddenly change everything around just because SHE wants it. It is not fair.


If she has the baby, I am going to leave her. As you say, it is not only about me, but the same time not only about her. IF she wants a baby, she can have it, but without my support, as I did not plan anything like that. So many people make abortions evryday, why isn't she so open minded? It is not a good situation for her either, she just claims that this his her believe and if she makes abortion, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

[Cat1864]

Why I should be forced into sitation like that? My life is already a big mess, I can't afford to make it even bigger. She had ambitions to finish her accountancy course, I wanted to sort out my life properly too... Why should I suddenly change everything around just because SHE wants it. It is not fair.

Has the pregnancy been confirmed by a doctor?

Why can't you still 'sort out your life'? Why can't she finish her course?

Have you actually looked at what you are asking of her? Have you looked at all of the consequences of having an abortion or is it just a quick fix to you? I will not get into the moral aspects of the choice, but I will say that you should take a long hard look at the reality.

'It is not fair' is what children cry. Adults already know that life isn't fair and they deal with it.

[Romefalls19]

If she has the baby, I am going to leave her. As you say, it is not only about me, but the same time not only about her. iF she wants a baby, she can have it, but without my support, as i did not plan anything like that. So many people make abortions evryday, why isn't she so open minded? It is not a good situation for her either, she just claims that this his her believe and if she makes abortion, she will regret it for the rest of her life.

Okay, I am going to try to respond to this post without cursing and using foul language.

If she has the baby, she will have your support because I hope she takes your sorry poor excuse for a man's arse to court and rakes you over the coals. You BOTH made the decision to have sex, regardless, yes she forgot her pills but last time I checked, they sell condoms.

It is NOT about being open minded, her belief is against abortion, same as mine, and you are trying to force her into changing her belief because you "messed up" your life before. That's YOUR fault. I hope she finds a man that can actually stand up and face problems, rather than run like a coward.