[Strength89]

I've been in a relationship with a guy since October 2009. In recent months (March) I found out that he was married but when I confronted him, he didn't confirm or deny it. We broke up and stop talking for about two weeks. However, we started talking and spending time together like before but the thought of him being married always bothered me so I sat him down and told him that he'd have to give me an explanation for everything or lose me forever. He went on to explain that he was divorce but didn't think he'd had to tell me since it was no longer an important issue in his life. I had trouble accepting why he was so hesitant to come clean when I first confronted him but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Everyone I talked to about the issue told me that it was best for me to walk away but I stayed because I wanted to believe his words and I did (with doubts).

I found out he was married through Myspace (silly, I know) but a gut feeling told me that something wasn't right and to do some research. I did and found his old myspace page (last log in: June 09) and saw photos of the two of them on a cruise and he of course, had a ring on and so did she. (he told me about the cruise before and when I asked who he went with, he said a friend of his and I left it alone since it was before my time). I later searched around Facebook and found his family members (I know most of his siblings' names since he talks about them constantly) and recently, I searched myspace again and found his wife. On her status, she posted, "My baby is coming home..." and there are tons of photos of them and their twin girls together from vacations, their wedding, summer 09 (he said they divorced in 08). Everything on her myspace page tells me that they are clearly still married and the cruise pictures I found were actually not their honeymoon but her birthday/2nd year anniversary cruise. I want to contact his siblings and his wife, to get the truth from them since he won't give it to me but I know that there's a possibility of me getting curse out (which I don't care about) or me damaging the marriage and I cannot do that, I cannot hurt his girls by telling their mother that their father is unfaithful.

I feel like such an idiot searching around the web looking for clues when everything is clearly right in front of my eyes. Searching around plainly shows that I have no trust in him and it's true that I shouldn't be with someone I cannot trust...

The problem is, I've always had trust issues but him and I both talked about it when we first got together and decided that it'd be worth it to try and I was slowly learning to trust him but as a woman and as person with a dream of some day becoming an FBI agent, I listened to my guts instinct and did research (of course, my findings hurt me badly).

I know all the steps that I need to take to get over him and to move on with my life but it's so hard to emotionally detached myself from him. What hurts the most is the fact that he not only lied to me but had the audacity to betray his wife and his girls, especially his girls and coming from a family where my own father betrayed my mother, I know how much it'd hurts and for me to realize that I'm the "other" woman and I didn't know it, kills me. Now that I know the truth and is willing to accept it this time around, I am going to end the relationship but I'm so torn and broken from it.

He treated me really well before I found out and even after I confronted him and decided to give it one more shotdespite the fact that he lied to me. He cooks for me, cleans up after me, comes home to me every night and vice versa, he listnes, gives me advice, help me with out so many different things. He's with me almost all day since we work close to each other. We are both in the military and stationed overseas which probably made it easier for him to do what he did. What I'm so confused about is why his wife never calls (unless they email while he's at work or he calls her during the few hours that I'm not with him).

We have unprotected sex (even before I was on BC--why did he take the risk of getting me pregnant?) and we're extremely intimate with each other. We spend the majority of our days together except for when we're at work. We meet for lunch and we eat dinner together. We go to bed together and wake up together and she has never called (what if she doesn't have his number?) It simply does not make any sense to me.

I am so in love with him but I know what I have to do. The hard part is having the strength to do it. It's a bit easier to handle and deal with since he's on leave in the states but the pain, the hurt, the tears that I'm trying to hold back--they eat at me all day and it's affecting my school work, work and personal well being. I KNOW that I NEED to move on and let go and I'm sure that in time, I will but right now, all I see is a dark tunnel and all I feel is pain.

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking or what I'm looking for. I guess I just need a place to vent and hear others' thoughts, opinions, and advices. I need strength so please, if you can... give me some comforting words, can I draw on your strength to overcome this, for myself?

[amicon]

You walk away because you have to.

You ve listed all the reasons this relationship over,as it is based on,from his side,deceit and lies.

Are you in a position where you can go full no contact?

I realise you are hurting,but stick with your decision.

As for having unprotected sex with a cheater,I would have to suggest you get yourself tested for STDs.as you have no idea what else this guy has been up to.

I wish you all the best.

[talaniman]

Hard as it is, you have to let go, and move on.

[Jake2008]

It is unfortunately too easy to believe what someone you love, tells you.

By the time you found out he was married, you were already in love with him. You seem like the kind of person to me, that had he been straight about being married, you wouldn't have given him a second thought.

I agree that he has essentially hidden his life from you, and is living another life because of opportunity. The more you love and trust him, the better this is working out for him. Because you are in so deep, you are still with him, despite knowing who he really is. This also works into his needs being met.

Now that you know the truth, what are you going to do.

It is likely that he will sever ties with you, before he heads back home, and you will never hear from him again, unless you wish to carry on a relationship with a married man back in the States.

That would require that you accept him for the real person that he is- with a wife, kids, and a life the opposite of what you were led to believe. I don't get the impression that you want to go down that route.

His wife is probably not calling because he's told her lies. Perhaps that he is in a place where there are no phone calls allowed, or there is no internet etc. He has to set her up too, after all.

The unprotected sex is reckless. No other way to put that. STD's and babies happen when you do not protect yourself. Simple.

I can understand why you would want to 'confirm' his other life by contacting relatives on his Facebook, but I urge you not to. You will only be able to provide more proof, and you really don't need any. It would feel good to throw it in his face, and know that he'll get payback when he gets home, but, it is more likely than not in my opinion, that you are not the first, and you won't be the last, let him deal with his own consequences which will surely happen at some point.

I presume you are both the same rank.

If it is possible for you to deal with a breakup, and you wish to go that route, it might be a good idea to see a counsellor/pastor where you are if that is possible. If that isn't possible, or you aren't ready, I hope that, although we are strangers here, you will continue to post until you figure out what to do.

[Fr_Chuck]

You known all that is in store for this is hurt and heartache, he will keep lying and changing lies if you let him.

So when do you go to his house ? What does he do when you call in the middle of the night ?

[Devorameira]

I'm so sorry to hear about the deception. It must be horrible to fall in love with someone and then find out they've been lying to you the whole time.

You should be angry - actually enraged at his actions.

You said his wife never calls, just curious to know if he is calling you while he's in the states?

Doesn't matter, as the advice is still the same. You need to move on without him. He'll only cause you pain and heartache.

[Strength89]

To all, thank you so much for posting.

As of right now, I am sitting on his bed in his room crying my out. When he left to go back home to the states, he left his room keys with me so I've been here since he left. I've been doing fairly well until a few minutes ago when I just started crying after I got out the shower; it just really hit me. The reason why I am in his room is because first, I was going to stay here all 3 weeks while he's gone but now that the whole truth is out in the open, I am no longer staying here for 3 weeks. After I last found out that he was still married, I planned to stay in his room until Sunday (3 more days to go) so I can take my midterm and catch up on homework (I have to share room with someone and my roommate's a hot mess so being in his room while he's gone gives me peace and quiet to do homework). However, I know that I cannot handle staying in his room until Sunday so I am packing my things and leaving tonight after work.

My heart is so broken. I know exactly what I have to do but my emotions are so out of control that I'm having a hard time letting go emotionally. I am in FULL NO CONTACT with him as of right now and I will continue to be in full no contact upon his return except for when we're at work (we don't work together but because of how the command is structured, I have to route paperwork through him to the higher ups). I am walking away from him, the lies, the betrayal and the relationship. I stayed the first time the truth came out because I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said he was divorced but this time around, I won't play the fool anymore. As hurt as I am and as much as I want to contact his family members, I won't. I know better than to get them involved when they know nothing about me at all. I don't know why his wife doesn't call him; he has phone and internet access at work and at home.

The unprotected sex was a stupid decision on my part. I guess at the time, I trusted him enough to give myself to him in such a way.

I am torn apart and my days are being affected so badly by it all. I'm struggling to keep myself together. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I am reminded of him because our post is such a small post that I can only go so far to avoid places that we've been to together. I know that the first and best thing for me to do is to get out of his room and I am doing that tonight after work. I already changed his name to a different name in my phone list and blocked his number from calling (I have to keep his number saved in order to block it). I already got our chain of command involved to ensure that it is now a military and legal issue if he ever tries to contact me for anything other than professional purposes. If he does contact me, I will have a “no contact” order put up against him. The logical side of my mind tells me to do anything and everything possible to ensure that he has no way of contacting me and vice versa and I'm doing exactly what I have to do. However, the emotional side of me is stuck in a hole. I can't imagine not loving someone that I'm already so in love with but the thoughts of him lying and hurting me is making me hate him. I go through our pictures and I'm disgusted by his personality and I just want to hit him so badly across the head. I'm angry but I'm emotionally destroyed. My emotions are so bipolar right now. One second, I'm okay, the next, I'm hurting badly and then I'm angry. I guess it is normal to feel all these emotions. I just wish I can take a few days off and get myself together but of course, I can't just call in sick in the military.

I'll write more but I am already running extremely late for work…I'll continue this at a later time. Thanks again.

[Strength89]

you known all that is in store for this is hurt and heartache, he will keep lying and changing lies if you let him.

So when do you go to his house ? what does he do when you call in the middle of the night ?

Before he went on leave, I was at his place 7 days a week and we don't talk on the phone (unless we're making plans and we're in different locations which in most cases would be when we're at work but even then, we email). When he goes out with his friends, I don't call him at all because that is his time with his friends but I'm in his room while he's out. The few times that I'm at my own place and I call him, he picks up and talks to me until he falls asleep.

When I said that we practically spent every waking minute together, I really meant it. Monday-Friday, we are apart from 0640 to 1130 and then 1300 to 1700 (work hours) and Mon&Wed from 1800-2100 in addition to the work hours (while I'm in class). Maybe that's when he talks to his wife, who knows.

[amicon]

Strength,you are doing all the right things and you'll get through this.

The pain and the feelings of hurt and betrayal will fade.

You are the better person here and I think you will look back on this in years to come knowing that your actions now made you grow as a human being .

Again,all the best to you.

[Gemini54]

In the end, it doesn't mater if he talks to his wife or not. That's not the issue.

The issue is he is married.
The issue is he's cheated on you and on his wife.
The issue is he has deceived you.
The issue is you have allowed him to have unprotected sex with you.

You have every right to be angry, but remember that you colluded in this arrangement. You didn't listen to the warning bells or your intuition.

Perhaps you needed to have this experience so you could really know what it was like for your mother to be cheated on. As adults we often repeat the experiences of our childhood in order to process them and understand them.

Cold comfort, I know.

[JudyKayTee]

He lies - he lied to her and he lied to you.

He starting with a lie and kept on telling it - and you bought into it.

I know it hurts, I know you're upset, apparently you've been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in the past.

You need to address this with a professional.

[Strength89]

He lies - he lied to her and he lied to you.

He starting with a lie and kept on telling it - and you bought into it.

I know it hurts, I know you're upset, apparently you've been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in the past.

You need to address this with a professional.

First off, let me ask you how you so randomly know that I've been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts? Did you get it from my answer to another user regarding the issue/topic? If so, don't you think that it's a bit inappropriate to take the information I share with another user--to hopefully have it be helpful to her--and use it to answer my question that has nothing to do with suicide?

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that I even mentioned a word about having suicidal thoughts because of the break up so for you to bring it up in my own personal question post that has nothing to do with the issue(esp. when you got the information else where) offends me.

No disrespect but please don't associate my answers to other users to my questions in the future. I'd appreciate it.

Also, I did seek professional help for my suicidal thoughts--when I was sixteen. I'm now turning 21 soon and is in the military, I'm sure that I've worked that part of my life out already. Thanks for your concern, though.

[jmjoseph]

This guy is a piece of work. He has you as a "substitute wife", playing house while he is away from his family. And speaking of his family. I have not been deployed, nor have I spent an extended period away from my wife and children, But for you to be in his room, and there NOT be pictures of his kids plastered everywhere. THAT is just pathetic. He is more concerned with stringing you along, than he is seeing his children's face, wanting their daddy to come home to them.

You didn't know, now you do. It's a shame, you are indeed a victim. Don't postpone the inevitable, end it now.

Shame on him for playing games with your heart. You should learn to loath him. Some would.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

God bless you and thank you for your service.

[Enigma1999]

Hello Strength,

I am sorry for your troubles. These things should not happen to good people.

The fact is is that he is married cheating on his wife, and you now know that. So it is time to move on.

Your user name says it all "Strength" and I do think that you do have the strength to move on.

He is a moron and pulled a moron stunt!

Good luck.

[Strength89]

To all, thank you for the kind and comforting words. I really appreciate it.

I guess it's only fair to give you all a short update on things.

Since he went on leave, I was in NC with him for a week. He emailed me Monday (3 May) asking me to call him. I broke NC and called him but before I called him, I wrote him an email and was going to send it but he texted me and told me to call him so I called him and spoke to him and told him everything I wanted to tell him. I told him pretty much what I wrote--to leave me alone, don't contact me through anything/anyone for any personal reasons and if he did, I'd get our chain of command involved. I told him to not speak to me, look at me, or smile at me or be disrespectful to whomever that I'm with if we ever cross path outside of work and uniform. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore and that was that. I also told him to no longer call me by my name but instead to call me by my rate/rank and last name (Navy way of addressing someone). I went back into NC afterwards.

This morning, I come into work and he emailed me about my books for a class that he will be taking that I took (&dropped w/o completing it since I was so torn by the whole situation). He asked whether he can still borrow them or should he buy his own or purchase them from me. I emailed him back telling him that if his class time frame does not conflict with my class time frame when I take the class again, he could borrow them.

I broke NC and replied because he address me by YNSN ______ (my last name) and signed the email by SGT ______(his last name). I take that as a professional approach and I can handle him asking about my books as a colleague. After my email, I went back into NC. Neither one of us wrote anything personal.

After we figure out the books situation, I am going into full NC again without turning back around to break NC.

As for my personal well being, I am doing well. He is slowly fading from my mind and it hurt less to think about him.

I'm happy and content, still hurt and sad a little bit from time to time but I'll be fine. =)

Thanks to all of you again, for your kind words.

[amicon]

Quite the learning experience;you are handling it really well-and not all men are moronic cheaters!

Have a great life,moving on and fullfilling your dreams.

[friend4u178]

I've just read this thread and really can't add too much more , everyone has given you great advice and you seem to be very level headed and know what you need to do.

I think you dodged a bullet here , and your far better knowing what this guy is really like now , and that he's married , rather than later when you could have invested a lot more time and energy into him.

Good Luck !

[Alty]

It's always hard to let go of someone, but in this case it's the only option you have. You'll get through it and you'll find someone that cherishes you enough to make you his one and only. This guy isn't the guy.

I know, really easy to say, but we've all been there, love and lose, it happens.

You've got a great support system right here, so use it, that's what we're here for. :)

[JudyKayTee]

First off, let me ask you how you so randomly know that I've been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts? Did you get it from my answer to another user regarding the issue/topic? If so, don't you think that it's a bit inappropriate to take the information I share with another user--to hopefully have it be helpful to her--and use it to answer my question that has nothing to do with suicide?

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that I even mentioned a word about having suicidal thoughts because of the break up so for you to bring it up in my own personal question post that has nothing to do with the issue(esp. when you got the information else where) offends me.

No disrespect but please don't associate my answers to other users to my questions in the future. I'd appreciate it.

Also, I did seek professional help for my suicidal thoughts--when I was sixteen. I'm now turning 21 soon and is in the military, I'm sure that I've worked that part of my life out already. Thanks for your concern, though.

No, it's not inappropriate - it's part of your life and you posted it. It's not the least bit unusual to search previous posts to find out what the background is, where the person is coming from. You have had suicidal thoughts in the past, been hospitalized for those thoughts and are now concerned about being involved with a married man. I find suggesting professional help is not out of line.

I didn't get the information "somewhere else." I got it right here on AMHD. You posted it.

Sorry you are offended but don't attempt to direct how questions are answered on AMHD. You (unfortunately) have to live with what you post. "We" deal with all sorts of problems here. Recently someone who posted did commit suicide. Others have threatened it. I think it's important that people answering have an idea of the OP's background before they give off-the-cuff, perhaps inappropriate or dangerous advice.

And you're welcome.

[Strength89]

I posted that information, yes but I didn't post it in the thread that you responded in mentioning it.

Hell, if I posted anything about the issue in THIS post, by all means, say whatever you want or have to say. HOWEVER, I posted the information on another thread as an answer to another user who could possibly benefit from it. Never once did I stated anywhere saying anything about me currently having issues with suicidal thoughts. DID I ASK FOR HELP WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS? Negative, so what makes you think that it is appropriate to mention it in a thread that is about something else completely?

It's funny that you say that it's important to have an idea of an OP's background before giving "off-the-cuff, perhaps inappropriate or dangerous advice" but yet you went on to mention something off the wall that you read on another thread and put it on blast on my thread when my own personal thread has nothing to do with the topic. My point is, do you know me and my background well enough to assume that I'd be okay with such a thing? For all you know, your comment could have been the one comment to bring back those suicidal thoughts. Have you ever thought of not mentioning something to someone so bluntly in fear that it will push them to it? Just a word of advice, just because someone put information out there doesn't mean that it is appropriate to take it and use it towards that individual.

Also, you not only took the information I posted to another thread and blasted it on my own thread; you also so amazingly stated "Yes, but you stayed even after you found out. Its not that easy to walk away after the sexual relationship begins. The OP is platonic friends with the male, no more and no less." Excuse me but what does that have anything to do with the thread we both posted on? Again, taking the information that I put out there and using it as you please without thinking about whether it would bother me or offend me. I also find it very offensive that you assumed that the "sexual relationship" is what made me stayed with him.

It's ridiculous that I've been on this site for less than a month and have someone searching around for my "background." If you're so curious as to what my background is, simply send me a message and I will gladly write a book on it for you. Do know that by simply "searching around for an OP's background" gives you nothing more than what people choose to share with others. Sure, search all you want but please don't use my "background" information to answer my future threads if it has nothing to do with the issue/topic.

Plain and simple, please do not associate my own personal threads to the answers I post on other users' threads.