[huno]

This is going to sound kind of wussy but it's something that's bugging me a lot right now.

How do you get your mind off something someone says that upsets you? Some background:

Lately I've been trying to make more friends, because it's an area of my life that is sorely lacking and it causes me a lot of suffering. It's hard for me because I can be very shy, but I've been making efforts to talk to people around me, to try and get to know them and show that I'm interested.

I have a few people that I talk to regularly now, which is great, but it hasn't resulted in anything much deeper than some casual conversation (I'm not invited out to do anything on the weekends). So it's been a very slow and difficult process and there are times I feel like I'm not making any progress.

Today I was with some friends and someone said this about my Facebook profile pic (me with two friends):

"I saw your new profile picture and I wanted to post a mean comment but I didn't."

"What were you going to post?"

"I was going to say, 'You have friends?'"

It was pretty painful, especially since this is something that is really bothering me right now. My lack of friends is something that is making me miserable and it was exactly that thing that they had to point out.

I laughed it off and made a comment back, and had a good time anyway. But now, looking back, it just sucks to hear someone say that.

I guess what's really bothering me is that people actively use that to ostracize other people, and so I felt like they were calling me out and saying, "You're a loser, you have no friends."

I'm still going to work hard at making new friends and learning to talk to people that seem cool and interesting, but things like this really hurt my confidence. How do I shake this off?

[cdad]

For one thing since it didn't seem to affect your long term relationship and it was just a fleeting moment maybe it is this persons way of being sarcastic and your taking it personal.

Another way to look at it is that in lifes garden there will always be weeds as well as the prize flowers. And yes some people are just vegetables.

So maybe your at a crossroads as to where you want to head. Many casual friends or just a few close ones. You can still have casual friends too but your really wanting to build your inner circle from the sounds of it.

[huno]

For one thing since it didn't seem to affect your long term relationship and it was just a fleeting moment maybe it is this persons way of being sarcastic and your taking it personal.

I hope that's what it is. Maybe I am taking it personally... I tend to do that a lot and it hasn't helped me much. It's probably time to stop.

This person and I aren't very close, but we have known each other for a few years and see each other sporadically. But the truth is that comment makes me want to avoid this person... I'm not sure that it's justified.

Another way to look at it is that in lifes garden there will always be weeds as well as the prize flowers. And yes some people are just vegetables.

Great analogy! Hahaha...

So maybe your at a crossroads as to where you want to head. Many casual friends or just a few close ones. You can still have casual friends too but your really wanting to build your inner circle from the sounds of it.

You're right, I'd rather have a few close friends... which I don't feel I have. I have a lot of friends that I know fairly well, people that I can talk to virtually any time, but they're not really in the "close" category. I like them, I feel like we have a lot in common, but somehow it's hard for me to get them to accept me as a close friend.

I'd like to demonstrate my desire to be better friends somehow... without sounding weird, of course. :)

Anyway, great advice; I feel better now. The comment still stings but I want to move forward and keep going out there and making friends.

[QLP]

Firstly remember that when people make mean comments it says far more about them than it does about you.

Constructive criticism is something worth listening to, but this is given thoughtfully and usually when asked for, not uninvited. Criticism that is sniidily (sp?) implied is given for the benefit of the giver not the receiver, to make themselves feel bigger, or more popular or whatever. I doubt the person who said it gave much thought to how you would feel but just wanted to stroke their own ego at your expense. It's not really personal, in so much as it was about them not you, you were just the unfortunate receiver. However, if you don't want to hang around with this person then don't. You have a right to choose who you feel would be good friends to you not just settle for what is on offer right now. Maybe it's worth giving it time to assess whether it was just a one-off sarcastic meaningless comment or a reflection of the kind of person he/she is.

Next, think about how you would like your friends to act in order for you to feel they are closer friends. Then act that way yourself. If you wish they would invite you out, invite them. If you want them to open up and confide more in you, do so with them. If you want to feel you could rely on them when you need them make it clear they can rely on you.

It can be scary doing all this because it means opening ourselves up to possible rejection. The fact is some people will reject us and some will embrace us more closely. It is by taking that risk that we discover who our truest friends are.

Finally don't let the whole 'I've got more friends than you' competitiveness get to you. Friends are not something to collect like badges. I have seen so many so called 'Mr popular' people have all their friends melt away when their circumstances change for the worse, whilst the quiet one in the corner who has only ever had one or two friends find they still have those when the chips are down. It all depends on what the friendships are based on. Stay true to yourself and value who you are and let people see who that is. That way you will attract people who are potentially good friends. And yes do keep going out there and making friends.

Just reading the post suggests you are sensitive, articulate, thoughful, willing to listen, and capable of honesty and self-awareness - why wouldn't people want to be your friend if they get to know you?

[I wish]

Though it's great to have only a few good friends, the down side to that is that it's very difficult to maintain close friendships with only a few people.

As we get older, it's easier to drift away, often not even on purpose. For example, if one of you moves away for family or career.

So why not have a combination of both? A few close friends as well as many other friends?

The key thing is to put yourself out there so that you are in a position to make new friends. For example, joining social clubs in school, volunteering, taking a course, going to social events organized at work. Once you're in a position to meet new people, then miggle with as many as you can to see who you feel you can click with.

You can't expect to be best friends with every person you meet either. But the more people you meet, the higher chance you have to have more close friends.

[huno]

QLP -- thanks; this is amazing advice and I really needed to hear that.

I wish -- ditto; I think this might be my problem, I don't mingle enough with people and I sort of stick to one particular person hoping they'll become my best friend or something... probably not a good way to make several friends.

And I should point out that I know not everyone will be my best friend or even a close friend. And I'm not looking to have tons of friends... but all I know is that right now I don't really have a single close friend. I have a few people that I can hang out with on occasion (like maybe once a month or so), but I definitely do not have a close relationship with anyone.

I am working at making more friendships and seeing where they take me. It's hard for me, again because I'm shy, but I'm slowly trying to overcome my shyness and talk to just about anyone.

Thanks again to the 3 of you for your awesome advice... it helps a lot!

[I wish]

You overcome shyness by gaining experience through interaction with others. The more you interact, the more comfortable you will feel and the better you develop your communication skills.

As for close friends, that will happen naturally. You will naturally become close to someone. But the key thing is to put yourself in a position to meet new people, so that you have more chances of finding a close friend.

Lastly, every time you meet a new person, don't create the expectation that he/she will become a close friend. Just enjoy the friendship and see how that develops. Let things flow naturally.