[derek22]

Story merged

It's difficult to explain.

My girlfriend (we've known each other since 2002, started going out about 4 months later, met for the first time 4 years later) and I met online, I'm able to currently see her twice a year for about a month each time. We are very committed and want to be together, so I'm quite certain this has nothing to do with that, she has said so as well.

She has grown up in a very messed up life, schizophrenic mother whom she lived with for most of her younger years. Her Dad divorced her Mom and moved out so for a number of years she didn't have her Dad and was being told the lie by her Mom that her Dad had been cheating on her. She finally found out the truth, moved out and lived with her Dad, only to lose him about a year later to cancer. Just before that, she also lost her oldest brother to a car accident.

She's a loner by nature, she's had a couple of friends to confide in but mostly has had no one to talk to about her history in her life, she's been keeping it all in. She's said she's tried to write an email detailing it all to me but can't. I've never wanted to force her into talking about it, so I've told her that if she ever does talk about it to me, I'd let her initiate the conversation. I won't pressure her into that.

Things were good until just around Christmas. We texted about the presents we got and I let her know too that I was coming out to see her in March. My time off from work is approved and I have the plane tickets bought. Maybe I was expecting too much, but I thought she'd be happy and we'd be talking even more than usual like always before I come out. She started getting more distant. I always talked to her before I clocked in at work, it's a pretty big part of my routine, 5 or 10 minutes of just talking. I'd call her and her cell and home phones would just ring and ring until the voicemail kicked in. I'd text her and get a text back an hour or so later and a couple of times we talked.

It started to get to me so I started calling more and more, I was worried about her, just wanted to know she was okay.

We were talking and she mentioned a friend of hers at work who is sort of being picked on by a couple of co-workers. They have a similar history, they both lost a brother and had no one to really talk to about it and they'd started talking more and more, were really starting to bond. This girl at work was just pouring her soul to my girlfriend as she put it and its going both ways, she's doing the same to her.

They've been hanging out everyday from Christmas on to the point that I don't get to speak to her as much. A few texts per day, a phone call if I'm lucky. I've told her I just want a couple of things, a text in the evening so I know she's gotten home okay, let her know that I love her and to say goodnight. Preferably a phone call though, if not in the evening then in the morning when I get off work (I work overnight), but if possible both. She said she'd try to do it, I'll know over this next week if this arrangement works out.

She's told me she need space and time, patience and understanding. I asked her straight out if this was about me, about us and she's says it's not. She mentioned about her brother and how she just needed to get all that off, and also just have some girl time. I believe her, all the conversatins we've had we always say we love each other and I can hear it in her voice and reactions, it's true.

But at the same time, there is that little voice in my head that is jealous, but I am not sure what of. I'm quite certain she's never cheated on me, she's too prideful to do that. And I don't even like pondering that thought, I don't like that territorial male crap even though it's ingrained in me by nature. Is it because she's spending time with someone else as friends and taking my time away? I'm not getting the attention I used to get and I've started to take it for granted? I'm not sure.

It's just been hard since Christmas. I've always been that pillar she's leaned on when she had a problem, the stability when something seemed chaotic. And now I'm helpless because I can't relate to the emotions she's had holed up in her for years. It's been very frustrating on top of feeling helpless and missing like hell the one I love with all my heart. It kind of came to a hilt the last night, she didn't text or anything so I kind of got annoyed and texted her to at least let me know she was okay since a phone call was too much. Things were a bit tense earlier today and tonight, she refuses to talk to me when I'm all paranoid and edgy but I've calmed down and the situation has too. We've been texting through the day and night. I was hoping to talk to her but it's late and she has work tomorrow.

I want to call her, just hear her, try to help her. Give her some kind of help even if it's just a diversion. I know this isn't about me, or about our relationship, it's about emotional trauma that's been buried for years. And when we talk, I can tell she's happy with our relationship, she's looking forward to me coming out, there's just this bump in the road that she needs to sort out. She told me if I was there, she would be sharing all this with me, she'd be crying on my shoulder like she has before when I was there.

I guess the big issues I'm dealing with are what is the difference between me being there and not being there? Can't she tell me these things over the phone? It feels like she doesn't trust me but that part of me knows it's probably because she'll break down and won't have that shoulder to cry on.

Why can't she just give me a few minutes to text or call? Is it really that much to ask?

I'm looking for guidance too as to how much to contact her. I have a tendency to ramble and just send her random thoughts that occur throughout the day and night when I'm working. I always text her in the morning to say hi and ask her how she's doing, we'll usually talk before I head to bed in the early afternoon. When a person asks for space when dealing with a matter like this, do they want the intimacy from a loved one? Or does space literally mean space? Do I contact her or let her contact me? It's taking all the restraint I have not to smother her with attention and affection, I've never had to deal with this from a person I've been in this kind of relationship with.

Sorry for the novel guys. LOL I had to get all these thoughts out, they've been building up in my head for a few days now.

[amicon]

For whatever reasons when someone says they need space and time that's what you give them. Step back and minimize contact.
However,I wonder why she's not sharing this with you?

From the outside looking in I would think her feelings for you might be changing in spite of what she says.

[talaniman]

She asks for space, you give it to her, and do your own thing, but despite all the reasons for her wanting space, her feeling changing about you, is probably more than likely.

[willshire]

She asks for space, you give it to her, and do your own thing, but despite all the reasons for her wanting space, her feeling changing about you, is probably more than likely.

I agree. She seems to be dropping hints and perhaps trying to make you break up with her so that she doesn't have to do it. Eventually, she may outright ask for a break so that she can be alone (from you).

Then again, maybe not, but it's something to keep in the back of your mind so that you don't get blindsided by it if it does happen.

[derek22]

Story merged

Unfortuately you guys were right and I was wrong, very very wrong and put my blinders on to boot. While there, I found a christmas card she made for the new guy in her life (she's a packrat, had it sitting under a bunch of other stuff on her desk) and their emails. Anyway, that''s in the past.

To the present...

There is a girl at work who I've been talking to, we actually started talking around late February, early March. Saying hi at first and then it progressed to us joking with each other. Lately though, we've been acting a bit different toward each other, like we both want to be more than friends. She's on a different team at work than me (we work in retail) and her entire team knows what's up and they'll start singing some romantic love song when we start talking to each other and ask if we want them to leave the aisle.

I guess the hard part is this. I had anger and frustration after my breakup, I got it out at work unloading the trucks of freight we stock every night. It was surprisingly therapeutic, even I had some skepticism about relieving the anger that way. So I have the anger out I believe. But I haven't yet cried over the breakup. I'm not sure if that is due to me covering up the pain or if I was as checked out of the relationship as my ex was and I didn't even realize it. Or another possibility that I don't even want to admit, that I didn't take the relationship seriously to begin with due to the distance and what I said and did for her was just for show. I've used the best therapy I know of, laughter. Gone out with my friends and I admit, when we crack a joke or pull a prank, I laugh a fair bit harder. Again, very therapeutic.

I care for this new girl a great deal, every time I see her, she makes me smile and she smiles right back. The way we joke with each other is just right, the type of sarcasm is just what I like. I do not want to hurt her though, I don't want to make her the rebound girl but I'm very unsure about where I am in the grieving process.

In my mind when I think of things, I've accepted it, my ex cheated on me, she betrayed me and lied to me. I meant nothing to her and she lied to my face about it. I want to move on, put the past behind me. I've always had this ability to just bury my emotions regarding someone, be a good friend to them one instant and be as cold as ice to them the next. It's been a bit harder with my ex, but I feel I've moved on. But again, I'm unsure if the relationship being long distance, I was distanced to begin with and so it wasn't really a relationship to me either.


I guess the question is this. Should I be pursuing a new relationship this soon? I don't want to lose this chance of course but also don't want to hurt her.

[derek22]

Quick add on. Should I tell her that I'm just coming out of a relationship and that I want to be more than friends with her but we should pace it and not rush into things? I was showing her some pics I took while in NYC and she asked why I went, I gave her a brief summary that I was in a long distance relationship and that things went south and that I'm out of it now.

[amicon]

You're not over your ex yet so any new relationship would be a rebound and unfair to them.

Another red flag is that the two of you work together.

Work is not a good place to start a relationship.
When/if things go wrong,it can turn really messy.

Heal properly before you start thinking about dating again.

[the_original]

Another red flag is that the two of you work together.

Work is not a good place to start a relationship.
When/if things go wrong,it can turn really messy.

Very true... not recommended

[talaniman]

I have to agree with the others about workplace relationships, and also, whether she will be a rebound.

When in doubt, slow down, and give it thought. Rushing in to something because it looks good, is not the smartest thing to do, given you have just come from a failed relationship.

But the biggest draw back I see though, is that you work together, and everyone else is egging you on it seems, but caution is strongly advised. Maybe holding off on titles, and privileges until you know a lot more, would be wiser than going with the flow.

But its hard to resist a cutie these days. In my day too! So go slow and see what your dealing with as you already know how fast things go south, and the misery, hurt, and anger associated with a failed relationship.

There is no real hurry is it? Maybe telling her that your still healing will smooth things, but you have to know that people with baggage yet to be unpacked is a major turn off. Yeah, a lot of thought is called for before you make promises to a stranger you can't keep, as it's a big difference from knowing someone, to being in a relationship with them.

I always used the 6 months of non committed dating, as an excuse to keep it real, and protect us both from heart ache, and some go for it, some don't. Too bad for the ones that don't.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.