[nahallac]

I was with my ex for the better part of four years. She had a child when we got together, and she was coming off a divorce. She was my first relationship. We broke up after about four months together, but soon after, got back together--she told me she felt I was the love of her life, and even though she had more experience (what, with a marriage and all), she told me that it was apparent to her that no one had ever loved her as deeply as I had … and still do. From there, things were really good. We moved in together after another 18 months, and lived pretty happily for about a year. Then came the time her child was going to be starting school, and she started to grow impatient with my involvement. She made it apparent she wanted marriage, and an active 'father figure,' (which I undoubtedly was--I guess it wasn't enough to satisfy her). Anyway, things got worse, times grew more and more tumultuous, and noticing a growing negativity, I suggested it be best if I move out.

This was in 9/09... from there, I grew more and more depressed and felt like it was a mistake. She was my first girlfriend, love, relationship, and I started to think I was to blame for everything. I tried incessantly to get her back (despite my better judgment, and the suggestions of those around me), and succeeded in mid-December. We started hanging out, I stayed at my old apartment every night for about 6wks, and it was amazing. I really thought we'd made headway and that we were going to get back together. I had explained that I wanted to be in a stable place before I put a ring on her finger, and I wanted to be successful (I’m currently a full time worker at a pretty good job, and an aspiring writer/filmmaker) … but that she was the only person I ever saw myself with, and that there was no one else I wanted to marry and have children with.

Then in February, she said she needed space, and she was having second thoughts. We fought, she grew distant, and she drew the line and said she was over it. She said she didn’t want to rely on anyone anymore, and that it wasn’t just me, but she didn’t want to be with anyone. Her child was priority number one, and she needed to cut all ties. I tried, over and over, to do anything to make her change her mind (and yeah, I'm perfectly aware of how crazy that is), and that pushed her away even more. Recently, a month ago, she changed her number, and I haven't heard from her since. About a week ago, I finally decided to stop trying to make contact when I happened upon her Facebook and saw what appeared to me to be a hurt-tactic... a pic of her and another guy. It seemed candid, and misleading--but it could be someone she is involved with. I don’t know how that would happen when she had only recently cried her eyes out to me explaining that she wanted nothing more to have me back in her life, with the acceptance of her somewhat disapproving family. And it hurt even more because she had explained how much she ‘couldn’t be with anyone.’

Basically, I know she loved me, and I know she knows I loved her. I want to move on and live my own life, but I can't stop thinking about her. I want to progress and take advantage of my single status by getting my own place, working on projects and going back to school, but she remains incessantly on my mind 24/7. I don't know how these things turn out as I have no experience, but there's this pitiful part of me that would be willing to take her back no matter what. I had such a strong, and epically long relationship with her, I showed her deep love, compassion and support... and I deeply loved and cared for her son. And it hurts tremendously to think I'd be that easily replaced and never contacted again, and lose my relationship with not one, but two people that mean more to me than anything else. I feel like without them, I’m destined for a future of loneliness, and unsuccessful attempts to replace what I once had. Sure, I understand that the mature thing to do is build myself back up, leave her alone, and live my own life, but letting go is one of the hardest things I've ever had to walk through. Anyway, thoughts and suggestions would be most appreciated. I feel like I've lost my mind, and I'm very anxious to find and secure that sanity once again.

[LearningAsIGo]

I'm sure you've heard it before, but these things simply take time. Rarely, does anyone marry or stay with their first loves. People grow and change -its a simple fact of life. Each day just try your best to move on - it may take awhile, but eventually you'll learn to appreciate her as a part of your past while you're engaging in your future.

[sully123]

First of all, she wasn't healed from her divorce, and she had a child to support. She wanted to get serious and you took a backseat, and wasn't ready to move forward with marriage. That's fine, you seem sensible. Now she is backing off. Let her be, she needs to heal, and you need to move on. Its way too soon for her, to even think about a serious relationship, and that scares her now, when she realizes she jumped way too fast.

[amicon]

You let go and move on,because you have to.

You need to get your life back on track and leave the past in the past.

You are ,as you have to be, number one in your life.

[taaam]

Life goes on, you are the lord of your own happiness. Not somebody else.

Time will heal all wounds, trust me. I've feel much pain myself.

[the_original]

If she is on your mind 24/7, and you are truly serious about getting over her, than do what you said and get your life back on track. Go back to school, get involved in projects, find your own place to live, trust me dude once you start knocking these things off your "to do" list you will look back and wonder at not only how time flew by so quickly while you were busy, but I bet you feel a pretty good sense of accomplishment. I know this worked for me... when my ex left me after I did the couple of weeks of begging and depression etc... I got the ball rolling on my end of the court. I found a new job that I just started at and love (tons of cute girls there too), submitted an application to the army, started taking some correspondance courses on subjects I am interested in, and it feels great. You still think about her from time to time, but the fact that you feel good and your out doing stuff makes the sting a little more bearable, because you realize "hey, im a pretty damn good catch" and in the end it ends up being the girls loss. (I'm not quite there yet, but I feel myself getting closer). Stick with NC, and make your life better. Do the stuff I suggested, hang out with friends, watch a movie called Swingers (im serious about this... we think we got problems? This movie should be seen by any guy who's been dumped) and live your life.

[talaniman]

Congrats guy, you are now MORE experienced.

I think that after 4 years she wanted more as in moving to the next level, and when you would not she was not happy. Understandable in my view as it happen when one is ready and one is not.

What killed you though, I think was you still would not commit after she took you back, choosing instead to get ready to get married and I don't think that showed her that any further delays would be worth it.

Have heart, as it was probably for the best that you didn't make that leap of faith, since you obviously had other considerations that were a higher priority. All that's understandable too.

Its going to take a lot of time and getting use to not having her in your life, but she has moved on, as you will eventually. It helps a lot to stay off her Facebook, or any other ways of contact with her, so you can build a life that you enjoy, as you HEAL, and get ready for your next romantic experience.

[vanheart]

"I grew more and more depressed and felt like it was a mistake"

"she drew the line and said she was over it"

"Her child was priority number one, and she needed to cut all ties"

That all you need to know.

Not everyone is right together.

You did a lot of begging for all of the wrong reasons.

Time to stop & reinvent.

Go NC, never have any contact with her & work on other things.
Like yourself & how rebounds don't work.

[Lucky098]

The first break up is always the worse. Feeling insecure, worthless and lonely are completely normal feelings after a break up.

She sounds like the kind of girl who moves from relationship to relationship, finding a fault in every one.

Recently divorced and dating you.. Red flag number one. You were a rebound that went past the expiration date.

She strung you along while this other dude was still being wishy-washy. Once things were going good, she dumped you fast.. and made darn sure that you won't be pestering her new relationship.

But you sound like a very capable person who will be able to pick himself up from this wreck and move on. And just think, someday you'll start a family of your very own with a person who loves every bit of you! It sucks that her little boy is going to be exeriencing "mommy's boyfriends" instead of a solid foundation of a family, but that's her choice, and some day she may regret those choices.

But cheer up! Life is way to short to worry about one girl! :)