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Wife had a two night stand... I can not get over it.
I need help...
It has been almost 2 years since my wife had an affair... and I am still crazy over it. I married my high school sweat heart. We had never been with anyone else up until the affair. We had been married 12 years and have two children. I trusted her with all my heart and soul. Se went away for school (working on her graduate degree), and had gone away for school many times in our relationship. Two years ago while away for 12 days, a married man in her class hit on her and asked her to sleep with him. She said she struggled with the decision but decided to go for it... just two days after our 12 wedding anniversary. They had sex two nights in a row. The first night she said that it took him forever to "finish"... in fact the condom fell off insider of her... To make him "finish" she told him to go into her unprotected... so he did. (she has an IUD so she thought she was "protected" ). She said it was not that enjoyable for her and that she was scared that he would tell someone so she agreed to have sex with him a second night. I found out later that she was more than willing to go for it a second time. The second night he went down on her.. and she said she had an incredible orgasm... She kept in contact with him via Facebook, and had every intention of doing it again the next summer. However, she started to get worried about STD's... she figured that since he was married he was "safe"... so she got tested... and hid it from me... A few months after the affair I opened a bill and saw the std testing... she told me that it was a normal thing they do with women that get IUDs'... that the doctor does it more because they can't trust the spouse, and if an STD is present that he is not aware of it is bad for the woman... I bought it hook line and sinker.. two months later I found another bill for more STD testing and confronted her.. She finally came clean. It took her 4 hours until she even said she was sorry... She viewed it as some life experience that she was entitled to... she gave into the lust.. she said... My wive has no empathy... never has.. so this was not new to me.. but she distroyed me... I asked So was he better than me.. and she paused and said well... yes... in one way... and them went on to tell of his oral technique... I got us into counseling immediately, and she was given an chance to leave the relationship if she wanted to.. she chose to stay... At that point my world was rocked, and I was trying to hang on with everything that I could... Now nearly 2 years later I am still emotionally crushed by it all. I want very much to "get even" with the guy she slept with... (I know this is misplaced anger) I also cannot get the vision of the two of them out of my head... Sex is very hard for me... My wife says she loves me, and that she did not intend to hurt me, and that it had nothing to do with me... but I feel so rejected... so conflicted... so hurt.. I am a wreck... To make matters worse, it turns out she "we" did get an std... we now carry the cancer causing strain of the HPV virus... My wife has already had one PAP with abnormal cells. Has anyone else been here.. what can I do... |
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Hello Gonenuts, First off, I am very sorry to hear all of this! It is/was something that you don't deserve. You keep referring to her as "my wife", so I take it you two are still married? This is a very tough decision for you to make. Considering the fact that she went back to this man after she had already done it once, well I would leave her. I can see that you are going crazy over this, and I don't blame you! She is telling you that this other man was better at some of their intimate momments. Let me ask you this, do YOU think you can live with the fact that she has done this to you? Can you trust her again, even though she had said that she is sorry? Can you ever forgive her for giving you an std? Can you make love to her feeling the way you used to before all of this? These are some questions you really need to think about. My heart goes out to you! Please answer my questions. |
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Wow, she actually went into detail and even told you he was better than you in bed? Unreal.
It's been two years and it still feels like yesterday, you remembered a lot of details. Sorry guy but if I were you, I'd shove divorce papers in her face and tell her to pack her sh*t and leave. If you can't move on--most couples don't--by now you never will. There's no sense in torturing yourself for anyone, not for your wife nor even your kids. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of them. Sounds like she doesn't regret it and I think you'd agree with me. She even found this guy on Facebook with the intention of doing it again. And it's true, she didn't want to hurt you, she just wanted to get her kicks with that clown and hope you'd never find out so she could have her cake and eat it to. You need to make the move. |
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 Originally Posted by Enigma1999
You keep referring to her as "my wife", so I take it you two are still married? Yes, we are still married. I have done everything in my power to keep things that way. IT has been very hard for me, aside form the therapist, and one close friend no one else knows about the affair. I did not want to shame her or have family/friends influence the already bad situation. We see both of our families every week... It has been hard keeping it to myself, but I think in the long run it is best. This is a very tough decision for you to make. Considering the fact that she went back to this man after she had already done it once, well I would leave her. She she told me that "she figured that the damage was already done." why not do it again... I found out from the other guys wife that my wife actually striped for him the second night... She did not tell me that until I told her I knew.. I am a very passionate person, and love maker... we had, and she tells me so, that she was happy with our sex life. (part of the reason she slept with the guy was that he said his sex live was bad... which was apparently the case)... she felt sorry for him... I can see that you are going crazy over this, and I don't blame you! She is telling you that this other man was better at some of their intimate momments. She has since retracted saying that it was more the thrill of the moment... the passion of the "new touch"... I really should have known long before I figured it out (it took 6 months)... I Love to go down on her.. but she has never been a fan of it... when she came back, that is all she wanted to do... In fact I remember one time where she said.. I love it when you suck my hard for a second and then let it go... And I am thinking to myself... When do I do that... Let me ask you this, do YOU think you can live with the fact that she has done this to you? I try.. I love my family.. Love my kids... I don't want to ruin that.. Our relationship has always had this undercurrent, this idea that perhaps I am more in love than she is. I, We have always concluded that we just love differently, and that is OK. She said with the affair that she felt as if she deserved some passion... I don't know what to do with that really.. Can you trust her again, even though she had said that she is sorry? It has taken time and a lot of pain for her to see the impact his has had. She no longer defends the affair to me.. I do see she is sorry.. She says she is she behaves as if she is.. but she stops short of where I feel safe.. She is content that the relationship is forever damaged like a vase that has been put back together... I see that, but want it to be better... Can you ever forgive her for giving you an std? That is really hard... and perhaps why I am holding on to a LOT of anger... it is not so much that I have an std.. It is how she could make a decision to have unprotected sex with this guy... I just can not wrap my head around that... and it just plain grosses me out... Can you make love to her feeling the way you used to before all of this? IT has been few and far between... it is almost as though the better I feel about US the worse low I fall into when the weight of what happened hits me again.. These are some questions you really need to think about. There is a ton that would take volumes to tell you about... I don't want to paint my wife in a bad light... but it is like she was just plane stupid and needed to make this mistake, and be confronted with the pain in order to feel it... I am really at my wits end... it makes me very passive aggressive... I feel as if I could just up and explode at any moment.. My heart goes out to you! |
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YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET OVER THIS!! #1= she already told you she has "every intention of doing this again next summer" #2= went into detail about this jerk's "tecnique" #3= you want to keep it together for your kids, this one I love, so you want to keep it together for your kids so when they get older and find out, ( which they will) they will know that it is OK to stay with your spouse that cheated on you not once but twice and already said they will do it again? What would you tell your kids if they were in this situation? Or your brother ? Or sister? Or parents? come on!! For her to even consider this she has lost all respect for you and for her family. She lost faith in her marriage and thinks NOTHING, NADA of your feelings. Your 12th wedding anniversary and she has unprotected sex with another married man, gets an STD and she said she deserved this? Yea maybe the STD. Nice she was able to have an increddible orgasm but you NEVER WILL with your "wife" because you will always be thinking of the guy she had sex with, that she said was better than you. I really feel for you and I hope that you come to your senses for you and your children. And when she goes off to these trips for "School" you will be climbing up the walls wondering who is there? Is she going to have sex with someone? Did the guy meet her there? CAN YOU LIVE WITH THIS?? YOUR WORTH MORE AND SO ARE YOUR KIDS! Good Luck, seriously |
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Sonomama29, Yes, when confronted she said that if she was not caught she would have probably done it again. Like I said it has pretty much taken putting me on the brink of sanity for her to realize what she has done. At first I was so concerned with protecting my marriage that I never really thought about what I needed or really wanted. She told me things that broke my spirit. To me it was as if she just didn't have the guts to end it herself and was forcing me too. Then she came around a bit.. I think now she better understands the pain that I feel, but I feel like she stops short of what a real commitment should be. I can't put it into words.. but I feel like it is not enough for me.. I feel like I am in a no win situation and the she has everything to gain. I will be in anguish with or without her. I think she would find someone else quite quickly... She wants us to stay together... she tells me all the time... She knows I am in pain and is actively stopping me sometimes from breaking it off. I am so so very conflicted... I go in waves where I am fine.. and then times like now when I want to lash out at the world. She tells me it was just sex.. and that she has leaned that sex is just sex... Drives me nuts but she says that I am every bit as good as he was in bed... I don't want to be every bit as good I want to be the one... I just can't wrap my head around it... I do not think it is possible for me to do the same thing she did... I do think I could cheat... we all could... but I would need to love or have feelings for someone... I asked what she would do if I did what she did.. she said she would leave me because she knows that their would have been feelings behind it... |
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Originally Posted by gonenuts
YOU don't have to paint a bad picture of your wife... She did that herself! You say that you are at your wits end and that you could explode at any moment? That's because you will! After all of this, you keep protecting her, and continue to stay with you. Ok, let's just for one second pretend that she did it ONCE, then told you about it,right after the fact, then you two went to counseling, and your marriage is great now. I could ALMOST see you staying with her and forgiving her! BUT, the fact that she openly admits that she could do it again, and goes in to great detail about their little sexcapades, is beyond me! Why you would want to know the details, I also can't figure out. I wouldn't want to know! You deserve better! Plain and simple! Sure, she was your high school sweet heart, the love of your life, but she has changed and I don't think that you two can rectify this! A wife does not go into the arms of another man, simply for the THRILL! If you (she) wants a thrill, then spice up your sex life with role playing, toys, positions, so on... Cheating is not the answer! Again, I tell you that YOU have a tough decision to make. You seem like a smart man, so be smart in your decision. As you know, there are women out there that wouldn't do these things to you. In this case, if it were me, I would rather be alone, then with a cheater! Now, ask yourself, which would you prefer? |
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Well I normally recommend counseling but counseling has already been done. To be honest with you I do not think she loves you. Given you all the sordid details of the affair and telling you he was better in some ways. I think in this situation. Your not happy, you still are not over the hurt. The affair caused such a rift in the marriage in itself and so much more. I think it is time to decide whether to leave or not. If you are prepared to leave, get the divorce proceedings started. You can not live with what she has done, and chances are she will do it again. Sounds like it the way you have talked about the situation and her part in it. Have not been through it, hope I never do.. Do not think it will, but in my own opinion it is time to separate and get a divorce. |
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I suggest you try focusing on yourself for a while, working on being confident and more independent of her and working on other aspects of your life (social, hobbies, children, work) and being happier independently of her. If the relationship survives, your will be confident with yourself and will no longer act more committed to her than she is to you, if the relationship does not survive, you will. She should not be the center of your Universe (even if she hadn't cheated) she should one aspect of your life out of many other fulfilling ones. Have you considered a trial separation? |
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What is really the issue here is the calculated betrayal and the fact that your wife's irresponsible behavior has put your health and hers at risk.
I'm sorry, I don't usually advocate separation but this relationship is not clearly not good for you. It's been 2 years, you've been to counselling and nothing has changed. You're living in some sort of crazed limbo where you continually rehash the sordid details and you can't get over it, and your wife seems to make it worse not better for you. You know that you need to make a choice. Is this where you really want to be? Is your wife really the person you want to be with? Does she have the qualities that inspire love, confidence and trust? The reason you feel so troubled is because you know what you're living is not right. The person you're with is not right. Listen carefully to your anguish. Within your despair you'll find the truth. Sometimes these bad things happen in our lives to show us the way. |
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Originally Posted by Girl-with-Story
I am self employed... My health insurance is via my wife... Ten years ago I had a brain injury... the doctors saved me, and I do not have any lasting effects, but it makes it nearly impossible for me to get health coverage. It also drives me nuts to think of my kids calling someone else dad. I am very involved in their life as I work form home. |
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Well there is still other possibilities of health care coverage. Just because you separate and divorce does not mean you still can not be a huge part of your children s life. It is up to you to use all your strength, to fight for your kids and to see them as much as you can. No matter what. |
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If it's been two years and you still have not gotten close to forgiving her then you probably never will. The fact that this was "premeditated", she has no real excuse for doing it (at the end of the day, a guy asked her plainly if she would have sex with him, and she did, twice), The fact that she felt she had a right to do this and intended to do it again. To top it off She gave you a serious STD If I were in your shoes I would have served divorce papers a long time ago. It really sounds as if the only regrets she has about the affair is that she got caught and you got hurt. Which means there is nothing stopping her from doing it again if she thinks she could get away with it. Also as for your kids, you can still be a large part of their life if you get a divorce, there's no reason you couldn't get custody yourself |
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The consensus of everyone here is obviously it is time to separate and get a divorce. No excuses for sticking around. Just do it. You will be better off. The reason for divorce, well your partner slept around with somebody else. It was not a mistake but calculated. The kids will be under your protection. Or they should be. You need to do everything you can to keep your kids close. I am sure that they will understand that your wife is unfit parent and an unfit spouse. And also brought home diseases.. |
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Just to clarify... I don't believe the relationship is not slavageable. But I do think there are other issues to work on, other than the cheating... I was in a relalationship once with a great man. But like you, he was more committed to me than I was to him. Eventually he resolved some issues that were affecting his self esteem (personal issues including work and finances) and things eventually 'evened out' in the relationship (we were both on the same level of being 'into' one another) and it helped the relationship TREMENDOUSLY. I really felt better about him not being more dependent on me than I was on him, it felt like the relationship benefitted so much because of it. And it was actually nice for both of us to feel like I was the one who wanted more attention/validation from him sometimes instead of it being the other way around all the time. I know this is a different issue all together, and I don't mean to belittle what your wife did, but I get the feeling that the issue of you builsing your life around her could possibly have played a part in what she did. I know people may totally dissagree with me but I don't think you should throw all the years you've been together down the toilet over this. |
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I do feel like the HPV issue has made it much worse for me.. and harder to deal with... she has put blinder on to it. She feels like it is not that big a deal, that many people have the cancer causing HPV and nothing ever happens. To my surprise her OBGYN kind of blew it off too. She had a PAP come back positive for HPV related pre-cancer cells... a second test later showed no new cells.. so she goes back again in 6 mo... if it shows new cells she will get a LEEP. Noting I can do about it... And now even if I do want to move on to a new relationship I have an STD. Who wants to be with someone that has an STD. I see myself as damaged goods in many many ways. My doctor was not so quick to dismiss it... He made it clear that I am now obligated to disclose it to any future partners. And I agree with the 100%.. how is that for an icebreaker... In men the HPV strain can cause rectal,and penis cancer. It is also a leading cause of Throat cancer in men... I am worried because my grandfather died of throat cancer... and I already have issues with my throat due to acid reflux... My doctor says it is rare, but he has seen two really nasty cases of HPV related throat cancer in his practice. He advises me to be screened annually. |
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I guess maybe the consensus here isn't so much that you should get divorced but that you need to decide, you either forgive her and stay married, or don't forgive her and get divorced, but you really should make a decision, plan accordingly and act. You are driving yourself crazy. Someone said it earlier, you are in a state of limbo, which is unhealthy. If you are looking for support or justification to end the marriage, please know that you need none. You are not a bad person if you cannot get over this, you did nothing wrong, she did. I personally think cheating is something people can get over. But I also think that they absolutely don't HAVE to get over it if they feel that they can't. Obviously, you fall in that category. |
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