[Linsner7]

OK this is not an easy thing for me, but I want to try and find help here. I had a daughter back in 1991. The mother and I were in love, but I left about a year into our relationship after our daughter was born. Back then I was a self centered, antisocial idiot and did what I thought was best. I left without a trace and never looked back. I was just a self centered, crazy little man with abandonment issues and fear of intimacy. Anyway I have met my daughter on Facebook (19 now) and I tried to let her know that who I was is not who I am today. We chat here and there, but when ever the conversation gets personal, she shuts down and steps back. It's like we go forward and backwards all the time.

I want to move forward with her and she kind of freaks when I ask the questions. So I guess Im asking...
Should I keep at these baby steps with her or am I not asking her the right questions? Sorry if Im confusing, but Im kind of messed up about it.

[wayne333]

I know exactly what your going through, Facebook is not personal and you can't reflect your true feelings, face to face is the only way it might cause problems to begin with but she will know your true intentions and your desire to have a father ,daughter relationship ,you can never get back time lost so don't waste the time yet to come

[mich02]

You can't really blame her for stepping back when you get a little too personal can you? She is probably afraid of getting hurt, having you walk out, etc and doesn't want to get too attached. Also, it's possible that her mother is painting a negative picture of you, since that is how she last saw you.

I think you should be patient with her. If she steps back, let her. If she wants a relationship with you she will have one, but you have to give her time. 19 is a confusing time anyway never mind adding this extra situation. Just be there for her when she needs you and allow her to take a few steps back as well. Showing her that YOU are being consistent now will really help her open up in the long run.

[DoAthair]

I am in a similar situation to that of the OP. When I was eighteen years old I had a daughter with a woman I loved very much, but like the OP I was too immature and self-centred to be a good father. My daughter's mother, rightly, wanted more from live than I was willing to give her. When she left I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself and engaging in bad behaviour when I should have been growing in maturity and being a father to our daughter. My ex subsequently remarried and took my daughter, at the age of three, across country to start a new life with our daughter and her new husband, who she taught my daughter to call "Daddy". I have been kept from my daughter's life ever since, as they moved back and forth across the United States. Zero contact. Nil. I have only been permitted to visit my daughter once when she was seven (she is fifteen now), and only then for a very few hours while they were on the east coast visiting my ex's family.

During this period I too remarried and I had a son with my new wife. Shortly after my one visit with my daughter my son's mother and I went through a divorce and I fell on hard financial times. As my support arrearages began to mount, I was confronted with the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. I was facing jail for falling into arrears in support payments for a daughter I could not see or contact. I knew that if I was jailed I would not be able to provide support for my son or be a part of his life; I could not bear the thought of losing another child. My daughter's mother saw my situation as an opportunity to apply manipulative pressure on me. She wanted her new husband to adopt my daughter and she agreed to drop her support claim against me and waive collection of arrearages. She sweetened the deal by promising that in exchange for waiving my parental rights I would be permitted to have a weekly phone call with my daughter, receive copies of report cards, regular updates and photos; in short I would finally be given the chance to build a relationship with my daughter, which was LOADS better than the previous no-contact situation that had existed. That was in 2002.

No big surprise, but my daughter's mom never upheld her end of the deal. Cards and letters went unanswered or were returned as undeliverable; she had once again moved without providing a forwarding address. I periodically attempted to make contact with my former in-laws to apologise for my past transgressions and make peace with them. Additionally, I was eventually able to utilise the Internet to track my daughter. I learned that her mom divorced the man she wanted to adopt my daughter (the adoption never went through). By the time I learned of their divorce, I wrote to my daughter's mother in care of her parents. I was then on much sounder financial footing and offered to voluntarily reinstate child support payments unconditionally, although I made it known that I still love my daughter and want to build a relationship with her. Again, all of my correspondence went unanswered.

I did end up making contact with my daughter's now ex-husband and learned from him that she was attempting to preclude him from the lives of the two boys that were the product of their relationship. He was able to tell me that my daughter's mom was engaged (and is now married again) and he provided me with their new address, which is actually within reasonable driving distance of my home. I again wrote to both my ex and my daughter seeking to renew my relationship with my daughter. No answer.

I have no wish to be disruptive to my daughter's life. Aside from preventing my daughter from having contact with me, I can find no fault with my ex's parenting. Even that I can understand. I wouldn't want my kid to be around someone as chaotic as the kind of guy I was when my ex knew me, so I want to believe that she has only done what she thinks best for our daughter. Through the miracle of the Internet I have been able to track my daughter's progress in school and extra-curricular activities; I've even been to some of her scholastic events, but not wanting to be a disruption to her live, I never attempted direct contact. I miss my daughter terribly. I can't express how upsetting it was when two years ago I accidentally encountered my daughter face-to-face and saw no recognition in her eyes; She did not know me, I was a complete stranger. I found that I was barely able to drive away to find a car park in which to have a good cry. I've just been counting down the days until my daughter turns eighteen and I can approach her directly.

The day before my daughter's fifteenth birthday she contacted me via Facebook and I thought we were finally going to build the relationship I've always wanted. I was very excited to get to know my daughter and for her to get to know her half brother and me. From the limited chat I had with my daughter, I found that she has spent a lifetime being told that her father abandoned her, doesn't love her and doesn't want anything to do with her. That's a lot of damage to try to undo. Unfortunately, her mother learned of our contact and forbade her from having any further interaction with me. Furthermore, she was grounded for six months, which included a prohibition on use of the telephone or computer.

Now, since I waived my parental rights those years ago, it's back to waiting until she turns eighteen before I can again attempt contact. After all these years it should be easy to wait out another two and a half years, but this estrangement is as emotionally devastating now as it has ever been. I have no legal standing to seek visitation at this point, and my daughter has no incentive to want to see me, as she has been taught that her father is evil incarnate. She has been raised in a church that, although purporting to be a Christian denomination, is neither accepting nor tolerant of other faiths; my being Roman Catholic is just one more barrier to my daughter accepting me, since I am not a member of “the One True Church”.

After having said all of the preceding, I have no real advice to offer to the OP. I can only say that any father who has been suffering with estrangement from a child should be grateful for any contact and should take all the time necessary to move at a pace that is comfortable to the child. Your daughter has a lot of emotional scars with which she must deal and you cannot expect to jump right in the role of Dad or even that of a trusted person. She doesn't know who you are and only knows what her mom and those who've been around through her formative years have told her. You are her father, and as such are an important person to her, no matter how old she is or how long you have been separated, but take time and show her the kind of person you are now – words are cheap and she can only really learn that you have become a good, caring, loving person by showing her over years of demonstration. A lot of trust issues must be overcome and she needs to know that you will be there for the long run. Good luck and God bless!

[redhed35]

Continue taking baby steps,trying to build a relationship takes time,she might be friendy she might lash out she might ignore you,but keep being there,keep being present,and perhaps one day she will be able to talk about growing up without you around,I'm not trying to take a stab at you,only looking at the situation from both sides.

Be patient,you have a lot of bridge building to do.

[Jake2008]

I think that she would be naturally torn about your motives.

You left when she was born, and had 19 years to establish some sort of contact, even via Christmas or her Birthday, but chose to live your life without honouring the obligation you had to her, as her father.

This may mess with your head, but imagine what 19 years of abandonment does to her.

Her mother may also be not so thrilled that you are trying to be a father at this stage of the game.

Facebook chats are very cold and impersonal. It may be a good way to start, briefly, but to gain any real connection with her, perhaps it is time to actually meet her, if of course, she is ready and willing.

Instead of getting personal and her clearly backing away when you do, simply as her to consider a visit, over coffee for a few hours. She may not be ready, and if she isn't, you will know.

Hopefully at some time she will reconnect with you and forgive you. She may wish to establish a relationship with you further down the road when she is married and has children.

But the biggest issue is going to be trust. If she cannot forgive, and forge a relationship based on who you are now, trusting that you won't disappear again, then it will never happen. If she can pass that point and start to trust you, you have a chance.

[asking]

I'm going to say something inappropriate, again. Why are older men always trying to reconnect with adult and teenage daughters? I don't remember posts about fathers trying to find the adult sons they didn't raise. This pattern of looking for young women for whom they have done little or nothing raises questions in my mind about motives, without saying anything about the individual person. I'm not convinced it's all pure sentiment.

As for DoAthair, he describes basically stalking his 15 year old daughter. If I were her mother I'd be concerned too.

[Happilyever]

I am the daughter of a similar situation. My father left before I was a month old, or as he would like me to believe my mother left him when I was a month old. Any how, he reconnected with my brother and I when I was 13 and then barely kept in contact. My mom raised my brother and I with my my stepfather from the time I was 4 years old until she passed away 12 years ago. I am now 31 and pregnant with my first child. He has recently contacted me again and I'm frustrated and tired of it. Here is the letter that I send to him...

I feel like I am doing a disservice but leading you to think that I might be interested in talking to you or fostering any sort of relationship with you. It has been 19 years since the first time I had the chance to create a single memory of you. Aside of meeting you for the first time when I was 13, I have only had a few encounters with you and I can't even say that all of those were pleasant.

After divorcing my first husband I understand that there are three sides to every story... your side, the other side, and what really happened. I understand that you have a version of what happened with my mother as did she and you are both entitled to them. I will never know the truth and frankly, I don't care.

What I do care about it keeping my life as peaceful as possible. I have been through a lot and all that I want now is to be able to enjoy building a life around the family that my husband and I are creating. Every time you call it reminds me of the resentment I felt growing up knowing that I had a father out there who did not try to reach out to me. I remember what you said about this but I am also entitled to an opinion about this matter. Even greater is my resentment towards you now, as an expectant parent. You had the chance after meeting me to try to be part of my life and you choose to do so in a limited way.

As a child you should not have expected me to come to you, you should have tried harder. I will be a parent soon, and I can tell you there is nothing I love more than my son and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. If someone
Were to take him away from me I would expend every resource I had to get him back. He is part of me and I would no sooner let go of an arm or a leg then to let go of my child. So as far as I am concerned our time to connect has passed.

I am content with the family I know my brother, my dad, his sisters and my grandmother. They are the people that love and support me.

You are not my dad and you never will be. My dad is the one that can remember what I looked like growing up, he knows the name of the first boy to break my heart, what sports I played and extracurricular activities I participated in. He knows what schools I went to and what my teachers' names were. He knows the names of all best friends
Growing up and which ones I still talk to. He knows all of this because he was there for me. He read me bedtime stories, took me fishing, drove me to school and practice and would spend hours debating with me. Even now he knows my greatest happiness, my worst fears, and has been there for me on my saddest days. What strikes me
The most is he did all of this even though he owed me nothing, he is the parent that I hope to become.

So if there is any sort of kindness in you, I would like to ask you to leave me alone so I can stop reliving being an angry child every time you call.

Maybe you will learn from my father's mistakes.
Do not make excuses for your behavior.
Do not blame her mother for anything.
Do not credit her successes to your genes, if she is successful it is because of her hard work and her mentors growing up.
Do not just be there for the good times or easy things.
Be honest, be genuine but be there all the time.

[Kitkat22]

Keep trying and as Red said take baby steps. Good Luck

[darby917]

I think it's arrogant and assuming not to mention judgmental for you to make the statement you did. Perhaps you should question your own motives.

[Linsner7]

I want to thank you all. Every opinion here one way or another is very helpful. I do not know what I can do for or with her. But one day I hope things will work out. Either way as long as she's happy I'm OK with whatever the outcome.