[tomk]

Hi everyone, this is my first post.
My ex girlfriend of 2 years broke up two months ago.
We are still talking on skype, sms and phonecalls every day which has been nice and I enjoy talking to her.I love her still and she says she has feelings for me.
We broke up because for the last month or so we weren't getting along. We argued about dumb things and didn't see each other as much.
Recently my ex has suggested that she wants to meet a few times and see how things go and maybe try again. So we met a few times and it was great. Holding hands, hugging etc but she cannot make up her mind about getting back together and say she doesn't want pressure.This has been happening for a while and makes me think she could never reach a decision I am now stressing what she is thinking about us and if it could work. On the one hand she say she has feelings but then she says she doesn't want to rush back together. Now when I try and talk about it she say that it doesn't help to talk and makes her not want to see me because she knows it hurts me.
Last night I couldn't sleep worrying about it, we talked today and she told me again she still was scared of getting hurt. I told her that we shouldn't talk anymore- and have deleted her on skype and her number. Am I right in thinking I should just move on? It feels strange to leave the girl I love so much but this is killing me right now. It has only been since this morning and already the thought of not talking to her has made me super anxious.
Have I done the right thing?
Thanks!

[jimseekinadvice]

Hey tomk,

As a guy that has been in a similar situation I think what you did was the right thing to do. Right now she's calling all the shots without any real consideration on what its doing to you. You need her to have either both feet in or both feet out as they say, nothing in between. Further, the more you're there, the less motivation she has to make a decision because she knows she has you whenever she wants. Also, it could take 3 months or 3 years before she knows what she wants, and trust me, you don't want to be twiddling your thumbs while waiting on her decision. I suggest you assume its over and take the necessary time to get over her with complete no contact. If she decides she wants to try again down the road, then that's when YOU decide if you want to or not.. take some of the power back

[talaniman]

I think you have done the right thing, if you follow up with the proper healing, by having no more contact, and doing your own thing without her.

You will be glad you did down the road, even though it's a rough journey to get there. But it can be done as many here have done so. Your turn, make yourself proud.

[Devorameira]

You've definitely done the right thing. You know that you can't stay in a relationship that is so unstable.

Stay away from her unless you are a fan of heartache and pain.

[I wish]

She has shown that she still wants to give you chances, but she wants to go at her own pace. That pace is going to require a lot of patience from you. No one can expect you to have unlimited patience, so you have the right to stand up for yourself. You should let her know how you feel (i.e. not wanting to wait forever), and then back away.

The ball is on her side of the court. Let her make the next move. Go do your own thing so that you don't have to wait by the phone

[tomk]

Thanks for the great tips everyone!
I have had no contact since Monday morning ( Tuesday evening now )

It has been quite tough but I resisted. I am torn though because I do feel that there is a hope between us, she is just really bad at making her mind up. I have done the NC before and it ended up with us being not even friends.I don't want to lose her from my life completely!

[talaniman]

I don't want tolose her from my life completely!

For a while, that's exactly what has to happen.

[tomk]

After not calling her for 4 days, she called me and told me she wanted to see me at this big party that we were both going to. I told her I wasn't sure if I would go yet so she asked me to call when I did. I eventually went but didn't call her and did not see her there. She called that evening after I got home to ask if I was there and when I told her I was she got all upset that I didn't call her. She said she would like to meet next week a few times again. She sounded really exited to speak to me and super friendly. What is my next move? Shall I meet her and see what she has to say or carry on Nc and not answer when she calls? Straight away I started thinking of her after the phonecall. Thanks everyone

[amicon]

It semms she's trying to reel you back in when you're doing things your way-not hers.
She wants to stay in the driver's seat.

I would stay with NC-hard as it is.

[sully123]

I think you made the right decision. It's not fair for her to dangle you like that. She is giving you mixed feelings and messages. She isn't sure! It seems like she wants you to hang around, and then see who else may come around. Concentrate on you, and don't look back. Never put your life on hold for someone when you can be enjoying yourself and dating someone new who can give you 100 percent. Then you won't have to worry and walk on eggshells. Good luck.

[talaniman]

She is making things sound so grand, to hang out with her. What were the arguments over, and why were they not resolved in an agreeable manner from the get go?

For sure guy I suspect that you two may have feelings for one another, and the good times are great, but arguing over dumb things, and never resolving them, is a sure sign of lack of communications and an unwillingness to work together, through honestly expressing yourselves, and after 2 years of being together, most mature couples will have found a way to deal with disagreements that does not take breaking up.

I don't see that, and until you do develop such a strategy, this thing goes nowhere. I would think that that's what you would be discussing, and not just idle chit chat that solves nothing. Now she is afraid to be hurt, yeah, right, that's a good one considering she can be hurting, and confusing, you along the way also, with this have fun till we disagree attitude.

I strongly advise you talk together, and get a better plan, that allows you both to have what you want, without fear. The best couples survive because they know they can disagree, and not have to break up. If she is mad because she can't have it her way all the time, forget it. Couple compromise all the time. If they can't, that makes the tough times even tougher.
The biggest mistake couple make is shutting off contact when its communications that's needed.

No Contact is only for when you know its over, and time to move on, otherwise its just about giving time, and space to think, adjust, and regroup. A very big difference. Drop the idea of NC, until you know its over, but until then, talk and LISTEN, to each other honestly, so you know HOW to work together to solve your issues.

I can tell you from experience, if she is afraid of being hurt, YOU better find out really quick what is at the root of her fear, and deal with it, to make sure its not a line to keep you close and hoping, until SHE decides that its not what she wants.
The bottom line is getting facts, as the course your both on with this wishy washy BS, is you both get hurt.Communications takes patience, AND understanding, as seldom are things fixed in a sitting.

[tomk]

OK so now we have been hanging out quite a bit. She has been coming over for dinner at mine, I have gone there to watch a movie a few times etc. It has always ended up with us hugging, kiss on the lips nothing else. I asked her if I could stay over- not for sex just to spoon. She told me she wasn't ready for this yet. I tried to talk about the situation a few times and basically I get the "it feels great to hang out with you, I need time without pressure" talk. On the one hand it seems like we are a couple and when I tell her this she tells me that she is scared to be a couple because of all the fighting we did. When I try and tell her that the time apart has given us time to appreciate each other she agrees but still we aren't a couple.
What is my next move?

[Devorameira]

Your next move should be the first move that most of us suggested - NC!!

[talaniman]

Stop acting like a couple, and talk, and resolve the issues, or forget this kissy face friends stuff.

You have had two years to get this together, and really if you have not developed any form of communications, what's the point??

Its been a few weeks, since you last posted, and your next move is backing up, and being a lot less available. A lot less, as this dragging things out is a bit ridicules. Starting to be obvious that you have solved nothing, but the decision is yours, and the ball is in your court.

[tomk]

Yeah I agree it's dragging out but I didn't want to rush anything and potentially blow any chances we had.
We do have good communication but she says that she is unsure and wants to hang around each other and hope that us getting together happens naturally. Have discussed ways of handling differences in another manner which she agrees with. Her point is that she isn't ready to have sex and act 100% like a couple again but says hanging out is great.
In a weeks time she will go on vacation for a month. She will have internet but contact will be limited. Shall I try and resolve something before this time or shall I give her time to simmer and hope the space do us good?
Thanks again!

[jimseekinadvice]

If you keep going the way your going.. it will drag out for a very very long time.. trust me... and once you try to talk to them about getting back together.. you get the same answer.. "im not sure..i dunno..i need time"... sooooo.. what you do is give them the time... they always want to hang out.. its comfortable.. but that doesn't help in getting you guys back together at all. Its hard to do, but eventually you got to lay your foot down to preserve your sanity, as you will constantly think "are we together or not?" and miss opportunities with other girls that won't be confused about being with you!

[Appeal18]

Personal experience, stay away. The whole "i don't want to get hurt", it shows that the past is still there, the problems are still there right? She's hot, cold, hot, cold, when in reality I think she doesn't know what she wants, besides a quick fix for the lonliness she is feeling.

My ex was the same, and after the mini honeymoon period, all the problems rose up. Nothing got fixed.

Also the fact she won't committ, in my opinion, is her second guessing. Why do you want to be with someone who is doubting the relationship, and scared of getting hurt, can't see through the hurt, to the "good times".

My advice, is move on, find someone who doesn't have all these excuses, who'll not string you along. It's easier said than done. But in the long term, you'll benefit from it. Good luck buddy!

[jaffeyjoeblaze]

Realize that you are being used in sort of a way...

I've been you with an ex, but our level was towards the marriage and moving in stage... but never mind that...

Don't let her run the show, if she knew what she wanted she would letting you have the sex etc and everything else you USED to have with her... but it seems you are her comforter and nothing more...

Listen to these guys when they say NC! I was just like you and didn't listen and broke it plenty of times and had my heart crushed twice... besides if you want her in your life as a friend that will come, just not now... how do I know? Because my ex has tried to contact me 3 times already trying to be my friend... it always happens that way dude...

[DevinLC]

Hey Tom - I am going through the SAME thing. My ex (who was my fiance) didn't think our personalities worked together and she is needing "space" to get back to who she is as a woman. I respect that, but her love for me left because she didn't think she was ready for marriage anymore. I was her first kiss, first love, but the feelings dwindled. I am constantly struggling everyday with hopes of her contacting me again IE text, etc... but nothing. I know how you feel and I believe that what everyone else is suggesting would be the best thing. For both of us. And as men, we need to find our OWN heart and do the things that makes it beat so strongly to the point where we can enjoy our own life again.

I'll pray for us. Best wishes to you man.

[abram72]

HI, everyone

Actually I just sign up in this forum to thank you Tomk for sharing your story is very similar to mine. Also I want to thank everybody else for their interaction in that matter. Everybody is great in here I feel better while reading your comments I hope everything is getting better with you now