[roxypox]

I'm not really writing this because I want specific advice, but to share and I hope someone will share with me if the have lost someone to suicide!

My dad turned 45 on march 16th and on the 17th he was found hanging on a door in the hall way of his house. He was found by his girlfriend of 20 years... it took 2 weeks before we could hold a funeral and I'm really relieved that its over to be quite honest with you... that we don't have to sit around talking about which casket we're going to choose or what type of flowers we want.

My siblings and I we got to see him though, once he was in his best suit and in the casket and I am really happy that I got to see him one last time

But how on earth am I going to deal with this?

Personally I'm at a place where I'm not mad at him for killing himself, because he worked really hard to make it happen... and I'm figuring that if he was in that much pain that it is better that he got to let go of life.

My siblings and my dad's sisters they have issues with it though, which is understandable!

My problem is that my dad is gone forever... I'm never going to see him again and all I'm let with are pictures and memories...

Those of you here at AMHD who know a bit about me know that I haven't have the easiest life and this didn't make it any better. For sure. And I've worked so hard to get where I am in life... I'm a successful student and my advisors and teachers see me as someone who is full of promise

But right now I can't really see passed this blinding pain! I wake up every morning with this intense sorrow and I don't really know what to do with it.

I guess that's really why I'm writing this, because I needed to put this into words and to talk to someone about it who doesn't know me and who isn't feeling the same pain as I am... someone who is not touched by my fathers passing basically.

I'm sorry this is a bit long...

And if you read this... thank you for listening!

Roxy

[JudyKayTee]

One of my best friends committed suicide during a spell of postpartum depression a number of years ago. I felt guilty for years - I had lunch with her the day before she died, knew she was in pain but thought she was all right, didn't call anyone or send up any flags and then she died.

As far as losing your father, suicide aside, grief is different for everyone. Time does help (I know, everyone told me that and I didn't believe them) and you simply have to hold on to the good times, the good memories.

This is so recent that you haven't had a chance to even begin to recover. You have to remember to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

And I trust you know that none of "this" is your fault - none of it.

Cyber hug {{{ }}}

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[J_9]

My uncle committed suicide during a serious about with depression and alcoholism. Looking back, we thought we should have seen the signs because my father was depressed and a recovering alcoholic. But we didn't see the signs clearly enough. It was too late and hindsight was 20/20.

Right now you need to take care of you. You need to realize, if you don't, that this had nothing to do with you, and you can't own this. He had a plan most likely for a very long time. Typically suicide, when completed, is a very long drawn out process in the mind of the depressed person.

For those that are seeking help there are typical warning signs. For the others, the more seriously depressed, there are few signs/symptoms that we can see before the task is completed, but we don't realize until it is too late.

I agree that your father is in a better place. He is in peace now and no longer being tormented by the thoughts that possessed his mind for so long. The twin cities of torment and torture are not good places to be. He is now free of those thoughts that bound him for so long. Feel blessed in knowing that he is no longer hurting on this plain of existence, but rather is now free of the burdens he carried for so long.

I am so sorry for your loss, may you find peace in knowing that you are not alone.

[Kitkat22]

My friend committed suicide leaving three children and a wonderful husband behind. I thought I knew her better than anyone and I thought her depression was finally under control. I was wrong!

We talked almost every day and when I talked to her on Sunday night she seemed her old self again. The last words she said to me was, "I love you as much as I do my sister". Two days later our mutual friend came to my door very early one morning and told me she had taken her life.

My first reaction was disbelief.. It was a horrible mistake... My second reaction was shock. Then came the anger. After that it was guilt. I told myself if I had only talked to her more, if I had only known the pain she was still in. In my head I went through each conversation we had to find something she might have said to indicate her state of mind. I have known one other friend who committed suicide , but hers hit me hardest.

There was nothing I could have done.. there is nothing you could
Have done. When a person is determined to do this there is nothing anyone can do. I am so sorry for your pain and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Never let yourself think it was your fault in anyway.. it wasn't. Please know I wish you strength and guidance in this horrible time you are going through. Blessings:)

[roxypox]

Thank you for answering! I really appreciate it! Both the cyper hug and the advice!

Before I say anything else I do want to let you guys know that I'm very releaved that I don't feel guilty! I do know that there are people around me though who do. My aunt (his sister) talked to him on his birthday and the last thing he said to her was: Will you support me and be there no matter what? And she said: Of course I will! I love you!

I'm sorry if this post is a little incoherent, I feel kind of lost for words at times and this is one of these moments...

I do feel blessed though, because I have many wonderful people around me who have been there and I'm leaning on anyone who lets me lean on them... cause I really need it!

I'm sorry to hear about your losses as well, and feel blessed that you shared with me.

<3 Roxy

[roxypox]

When it rains it pours and kitkat I apprechiate that you have me in your prays cause I really need it... my sister has gone into hiding in her happy bouble (I can't really blame her to be honest), My brother is in the basment and I'm really happy that all of his best buddies are trying to hold him up because I don't have the strength to do it...

And he is at a point where he is sucididal himself...

And I'm stuck with all the paper work... I just feel so despaired at the moment... cause I have no idea what to do about all the financial stuff. Granted I had to be a grown up when I was a teenager (such a long story! ) , so when I became an adult I tried until now to not be an adult... moving from apt to apt for the last 7 years and indulding in my studies and my part time job.

And now I feel like I'm getting hurrled into a part of life I hoped I'd never had to deal with... C'est la vie I guess.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this of my chest and the guy I'm dating has been dealing with a lot lately so I didn't want to unload this on him (he's also friends with my brother... so he is really getting pulled into my family at this point)

Yes...

I'm going to see a lawyer tomorrow though to get some help with this... which would be nice...

I think that's the only thing I'm mad at my dad for at this point (lord knows how this will develop as it all sinks in, cause its only been 3 weeks)

But I'm mad at him for not thinking about the fact that his three bio kids would end up dealing with all this paper-mill-crapola... and his girlfriend of 20 years will prob end up with NOTHING, because he was the breadwinner and we are the ones that have to deal with and straighten everything out... and he life will be permanetly altered cause everything he owned has to be sold of... and whatever is in pluss goes to lawyers, funeral homes and us...

Sorry this is so long! I just needed to get it out... I'm trying to find some sort of spot in the middle of this storm where I can hodl on tight to anything that's standing still

I feel like my world is crashing down around me... and I hate it!

If you read this... thank you for listening!

[JudyKayTee]

You feel like the world is crashing down around you because your world - as you've known it until now - has changed forever.

And you are right - when it rains, it pours.

Anger is also an easier emotion than grief but a good "mad" can get you through some rough times. To share a little bit - my husband and I had discussed his estate planning many, many times, because he was sick for a very long time. I thought I knew it all. Months before he died he changed his Will, never told me. I went into the Attorney's office, pretty consumed with grief (my husband died in my arms) and discovered he had rewritten his Will, leaving me a note explaining why.

As it happened he didn't divide his estate - he left it all to me but I wasn't expecting it, it was difficult to deal with his children and, like you, I was simply try to survive.

If I had any anger - and I never got angry with him, I really never did - it's because I don't understand why he didn't tell me.

Not what you are going through but a little light into what happens when someone dies.

{{ again - cyber hugs }}

[roxypox]

Judy, thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear about your husband!

And good point... my world is forever changed, so no wonder its falling apart...

When we've lost people in my family (3 of my grandparents) I knew that stuff was fixed and that other family members had to do a lot of paper work etc... but omg when someone dies it really is a mess.

And yes, andger is far easier to deal with, the moment I feel sad it's like my body aches... and my hole body physicly hurt and nothing I do gets rid of it. I think that's why I'm clinging to the anger I feel right now.. cause its far easier than any of the other emotions that lies underneath the surfice... basically

Cause I know how to dela with the anger, and it's a different sort of pain...

I'm glad you weren't angry with your husband though and It must have been rough to deal with someone who is sick for so long!

A very close friend of mine lost her mom last year to a brain tumor and she said it was horrible to sit and wait for the end, and to see her disapair little by little (of course long term sickness is always different)

Judy... thank you for repliying and for listening! I'm sending a big cyperhug bag at you!

[mitch1127]

I came across this thread while searching the internet for any information suicide related and I feel that I can really connect with you. My name is Mitchell. I'm seventeen and my dad just committed suicide, coincidentally, on April 4 2010, the day you created this thread.

My dad was 42 and he was loved by everyone who knew him. None of us (my family) knew that he was as depressed as he was which is really sad, knowing that he held that much pain in and never let us see it.

Apparently, when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago, that was when my dad first started becoming depressed. He was also laid off from his job for a while (he worked construction and during the winter they don't work as much) and he must have felt useless to our family during that period. He started drinking more but that was just how he handled it. Eventually my grandma got better and my dad went back to work but he just kept on with the drinking. As far as I knew and from what I saw he only drank beer, but after the incident we found hard liquor bottles hidden in our basement. Also, talking to the bartender at the bar he went to the day of his suicide, he had been taking shots before he came home too. My mom knew he had a problem and she asked him to get help but he refused, he was 6' 5" and built; a big strong man like my dad isn't the type to ask for help. She thought it was still under his control though, she didn't realize that he was that dependent at that point.

On April 4, it was Easter Sunday and my mom and dad and eight year-old brother got up early and did the Easter thing while I slept in and my mom and dad went to work cleaning our basement. My dad helped a lot but towards the end he stepped out and drove down to the bar. When he came back my mom and him got into a small argument, nothing in comparison to some of the ones they've had in the past. My mom stepped upstairs for a minute and silently, my dad went downstairs and pulled out his competition trap shooting shotgun and killed himself. There's no way he was thinking clearly at that moment because he loved all of us way too much to ever subject us to something like that, especially when we were all in the house.

It devastated my family and especially my grandma and grandpa (my dad was an only child). I've had a huge burden placed on me as well, considering that I'm the man of the house now. I'm an emotional wreck and at this point it still doesn't even seem like this is real. This just isn't something I would have ever considered even a remote possibility. I miss him so much and I would give anything to just talk to him one more time. One thing I am really happy with though is that for the family only, we got to see him in an open casket before we buried him. At first they said there was no possibility for that but they called in specialists to work on him and make him presentable for the family to see him one more time. It gave me a lot of closure but I'm still having a hard time accepting it.

I'm sorry for writing such a long post but I just wanted to share with somebody who can understand my situation what I'm feeling and the situation that I'm in.

[roxypox]

I'm sorry it took me a few days to answer this! And I'm sorry to hear about your heart ache. But feel privileged that you shared with me.

I hate how sudden my dads suicide was as well... how no one saw it coming. How they had celebrated his 45 birthday on the Friday before it happened... and than my step mom woke up the day after his actuall birthday and he was just hanging there... on a doorhandle in their kitchen.


I'm glad you shared. Personally I'm the kind of person who deals better with things through sharing and through talking about it.. and we are in the same boat.. if that's what we can call the place we're at.

Hve you thought about counceling or maybe finding a support group for people who have lost someone to sucicide? I'm an exchange student at the moment... but the first thing I'm going to do when I get back home is get an appointment with my therapist back home...

I don't know about you... but even though I'm almost 10 years older than you.. I feel this is a burden TOO BIG to handle on my own. I literally feel like I'm drowning. I can't sleep, I hardly eat and being around people who are in a good mood really brings me down...

I so understand where you're coming from... I would also give ANYTHING to just see him once more, to talk to him, to tell him I love him and for one last frikkin hug!

And there are times when I'm really mad at him for putting me in this sitution... where my brother (2 years younger than me) was suicidal at first and the thought of losing him to.. it really makes me sad and worried.

And I'm the oldest and seeing as or parents were divorced for 20 years and me and my siblings are all adults (adult children is more like it.. but still) I'm the one who has to go into the "Adult" role and deal with paper work and such...



It's a few days since you wrote. I hope you come back! Also I hope you're doing.. well OK... at this point I pretty much take OK over anything (cause the lows are just so extreme that Ok seems to be a shigh as I can go)

-----------------

How does your mom deal with this? Can you talk as a family about it? Or should you seriously consider "outside" help... as in outside your immidiate family?

It is highly unfair though that not only have you lost your dad but you have to take over his role in the family... so maybe you should think about greating a space for yourself where you are allowed to be heartbroken, sad and miss him. Cause all of these feelings that is rushing inside you... (which I'm not just assuming is there) they do need to be dealt with!

Love,
Roxy

[jmjoseph]

My father died almost ten years ago from a heart attack, and I think of him daily.

When I was 15, his sister hung herself. It almost killed my grandmother. Such a waste.

It's not our place to try and figure out why someone takes their own life. It's our place to respect them, and celibrate their life. The time that were fortunate enough to have had with them.

Know that your father is at peace, and he would want you to be happy in whatever you decide to do.

I know it's not fair, but life hardly ever is.

May God bless you, and grant you peace and understanding.

[roxypox]

My father died almost ten years ago from a heart attack, and I think of him daily.

When I was 15, his sister hung herself. It almost killed my grandmother. Such a waste.

It's not our place to try and figure out why someone takes their own life. It's our place to respect them, and celibrate their life. The time that were fortunate enough to have had with them.

Know that your father is at peace, and he would want you to be happy in whatever you decide to do.

I know it's not fair, but life hardly ever is.

May God bless you, and grant you peace and understanding.

Thank you!

[talaniman]

So sorry to hear of your difficult situation, my heart and prayers go out to you, and your family, as you gather strength to get through this. I have faith that you will.

>cyber hug<

[roxypox]

So sorry to hear of your difficult situation, my heart and prayers go out to you, and your family, as you gather strength to get thru this. I have faith that you will.

>cyber hug<

Thank you Tal for your condolences and sympathy >Cyber hug< right back at you!

And thank you for the faith in me! It really is helpful to hear that. It strengthen my own faith in myself... and that I have been able to get through tough things before. So I hope to get through this one.



I am doing a little better right now though. Less crying at night. But I still have moments where sadness takes over.

But I'm trying to do something constructive though.

When my dad died it felt like a part of me died with him, like half of me was suddenly, and very unexcpectedly erased from this earth so I have truned to researching my family history and looking into my heritage... I find it soothing. To see the documents and traces of my grandparents, greatgrandparents... and so on.. to see that even though he's gone. Traces of him and were we came from still exists.

Does this sound crazy?

[dontknownuthin]

I want to offer my sympathy to all the posters here who have experienced loss of loved ones to suicide. I lost a friend to suicide a few years ago - we have a big, close group of friends and though we all knew he was struggling with some issues, none of us knew how badly he was feeling - we figured he'd get through it, and that he'd call us if he needed us.

I think all you can do is make sure that you don't let suicide be an option in your life. When it happens in a family or a group of friends, sometimes another suicide will follow so make sure that you know there are other options for getting through hard times.

Often people might feel that even if they confide in others, those people cannot change what is wrong in their lives. Like, we can complain to family and friends about a lost job or divorce, but they can't change our circumstances. However, sometimes people just need medications to take the edge off the depression and allow them to deal with and resolve these problems on their own, and to enable them to get through it, and keep moving toward better times.

Don't be afraid to reach out to a support group or counselor to learn how to cope with this terrible event that has changed your life. And make a point of talking as a family about what you all will do if any of you ever has similar thoughts.

Take care and God bless!

[JudyKayTee]

No, it doesn't sound crazy - it's a Circle of Life. I always think that as long as I remember the people I've lost they are not entirely gone - and every one has impacted my life in some way.

You are who/what you are today in part due to your father.

Cherish that.

[Alty]

My Uncle committed suicide, hung himself in the basement, left his suicide note on his teen daughters bed so she'd find him. To this day, 29 years later, his 4 daughters still don't forgive him.

You have to let it go, hard as it may be, and realize that you still have a life to live, a future to go towards. Not an easy task, but knowing you on this board Roxy, you can do it and you have us for any support that you may need.

You're in my thoughts. If you need us, we'll be here, know that and use it.

[roxypox]

My Uncle committed suicide, hung himself in the basement, left his suicide note on his teen daughters bed so she'd find him. To this day, 29 years later, his 4 daughters still don't forgive him.

You have to let it go, hard as it may be, and realize that you still have a life to live, a future to go towards. Not an easy task, but knowing you on this board Roxy, you can do it and you have us for any support that you may need.

You're in my thoughts. If you need us, we'll be here, know that and use it.

I'm sorry to hear about your Uncle Alty!

And you are right.. life goes on and it has to be lived. I did go back to school though, which is located at the other side of the planet from where I live. I'm glad I did. Especillay now that finals are up and I have actually managed to pass all my classes and I'm even doing well in all of them. Makes me proud of me and makes me feel that at least soemthing good happened this semester. Seeing as my dads death made everything that happened prior to march bleak at best.

I am glad though that I do have this extra support system in place (AMHD) and I will def use it! And thank you for reminding me that AMHD is here.

And I'm continuing with the family histopry reseach. I have found so many hamazing details. Even though I'm doing this for me (mostly), I know that he would have loved that someone did this. So I feel like I'm doing something good for him as well. Even though he doesn't get to enjoy the facts I dig up. I feel that it lifts me by just knowing that he would have liked it..

[roxypox]

I'm sorry to bring this up here, but I'm going home in less than two weeks and I'm starting to feel a bit anxious because when I get home I have to leave this little bubble I've created for myself.. and I feel an immense pressure from one of my best friends because she didn't really seem to undersand how badly this has affected me and I feel that she is expecting things to be like it was before my dad died...

And I just feel different. I'm responding differently to situations that are everyday. For ex. My tolerance for BS before this happened was low but now its extremely low. And I like doing different things than before this happened. There are people in my life I have always appriciated and now I appreciate them even more. I'm also more thanful for everyday and just to be alive than I used to be

I don't know what I'm trying to say here so I'm going to try to come up with a metaphor...

Okay so say I'm a vase. Before my dad died I was whole. Shiny and what not.

When my dad died I shattered and now I'm trying to glue myself back together again... but I'll never be the same as I was. I'm trying to live life, I'm going to school, I'm still learing and developing academiclly, I'm going back to work when I get home and I'm doing social stuff... but my perspective has changed, my priorities has changed and the things I endulge in has changed...

Does this make sense?

And is it wrong of me to be a little mad at the people who expect me to be like before? Cause I'm a little mad at a close friend of mine. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it lately and last night when I couldn't sleep I think I figuered out why I'm mad, but I feel like I'm being a little unreasonable about it.. If it sounds unreasonable... how can I go about restructuring my thinking?

When my dad died I went home less than 12 hours after finding out. It took me halv a day to get home seeing as I had to go from the US and back to Europe.

The day I got home it was still settleing in, the reality of things and I didn't know anything about anything so I was pretty confused on top of the sadness. My siblings and I gathered some of our friends and we hung out that evening. They were very supportive and let us flow from the subject of our dad and onto other subjects and than back to our dad.

My friend however was really happy to see me and I get that she was happy and I get that she was in an emotional space where my pain wasn't real to her and totally collided with her happyness over having me back home. Her brithday was just a few days after I got home, so what she told me this day was that she was going to have a b-day party and it was so great that I was home, because now I could come and it would just make her day PERFECT.

I was honest with her and told her that the day of her birthday my siblings and I were going to our stepmoms house (the house dad hung himself in) to talk about what had happened and get something's in order, i.e. plans for the funural. So I was not coming to the party because I would mostlikely just be broken and sad... and not in a mood to party.

She tried to convince me that it would be good for me and that I should come and it couldn't hurt to have fun.

I felt that this was so intrusive.
I also felt, as I was sitting there having this conversation.. and now as I'm thinking about it, that it was disrespectful of her. Cause I know her well enough to interpret her way o trying to convince me as... kind of selfish.

I told her that again: sorry, but no. I do hope it's going to be great though and trust me it will be better without me cause I'm prob. Going to end up dragging everyone down.

She got a little mad at me and I can't really remember what was said, but it ended up with her pushing me to come and than I told her (and I was pissed off) that FINE, I'll see if I can BOTHER to make it.

Of course this made her mad and she was mad at me for days. She cancled the party because of me and told me that she felt that I was making time for everyone but her.

After this I have avoided talking to her on the phone, on texts and msn video chat... I just can't do it.

Any advice on how to handle this. Cause I feel like I'm overreacting but I have no idea how to deal with it or change it into a mode where I'm NOT overreacting. Cause in part I feel like pushing her out of my life, but we have been good friends for a long time and I really have appriciated our friendship and yeah.. I don't know what to do...


Sorry this is so long!

Thanks for listening!

Roxy

[DrBill100]

I will just bet that as you were writing this you were coming to some personal conclusions of how to handle your friend and other matters as well.

First a brief story. When I was a teenager, following the death of my grandmother, I met with my general cluster of friends and expected some expressions of concern or recognition of my loss. Deference of some kind. Received none. None then or in the future. That was an emotional shock to me and I still recall it. Still don't understand it, but no lasting consequences.

Second, I want to recognize that you have used an extremely traumatic circumstance to make pro-active choices. You have confronted the death of a loved one with the additional emotional complications of suicide superimposed. That is a stunning emotional blow (I recognize but you experienced) and your response is remarkable.

Death brings about disorientation, confusion and fluctuating levels of acceptance. This requires a long period of reorientation. Some people will understand. Some won't. Some things will change for a while other changes will be enduring.

Your friends response to your emotional state is probably not unusual and related more to age and lack of experience and therefore an inability to empathize as opposed to callousness or selfishness. However, whatever her motivation, you can't control that. Your response to her was reasonable, appropriate and entirely consistent with your emotional state at that time. Continue that practice. If your friendship is long-standing I imagine this will work itself out and you'll both be wiser for the experience.

Finally, you mentioned "a little bubble" that you had created for yourself. As time intervenes you will be returning to a normal flow of activities. To this point you have probably been completely engulfed in the activities and rituals that surrounded your dad's death. These have developed through the ages to focus grief and mourning and in themselves offer relief and distraction from the immediate reality. Now you have to go on and very potent emotions will come and go. Anger, resentment, blame are all common. Be prepared for that in addition to sadness and self-blame. (better minds than mine, Kubler-Ross, say these occur in a particular order or sequence, but I'm not at all sure of that) Either way, you will experience some emotional upheaval and I'm sure you'll deal with that, and work through it, in the same level headed methods you've used to this point.

I wish you the best in your life. Always here to provide any assistance available to me.