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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #21

    May 12, 2010, 04:13 PM

    With time your friend will understand where you are coming from, and you're so right about coming out of your bubble after a life changing event. The world of reality is one hell of a teacher and most lessons are painful to go through (growing pains?? ).

    You are a different person, who sees and acts a bit different now that you know how fragile life can be and how fast it can change with no warning.

    Forgive your friend, she meant no harm and was honestly just trying to share her own excitement, and she will learn eventually that her timing was off.

    Unfortunate, but it happens all the time. You both will grow from the experience, whether closer together, or apart, who can say.

    For sure though, its your time for you first. There is no hurry to bust the bubble, when you are ready is soon enough. But life will give you all kinds of hints about moving forward. You'll see.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #22

    May 12, 2010, 05:22 PM

    Dr.Bill and Tal: wow, you both blew my mind with your advice! It was more helpful than I can describe in words! So thank you both for taking the time to aswer me!

    Dr.Bill: I think you're right. After reading your post I don't think she was being callous or selfish. I can def see it as a point of lack of experience... I don't know if it has to do with the fact that she is 5 years younger than me and maybe that's why I think it might be inexperience and that's why I agree with that being a possible reason for her actions rather than selfishness and calousness.. but yeah...

    Anyway...

    I find your advice helpful, I also found it helpful that both of you recognized traits in my character that I couldn't see that clearly and it was good to see it.

    And yes life is one hell of a teacher! Good and bad, especially bad. The hard falls are usually were (from my own experience) where the richest and deepest of lessons can be learned.

    I won't write her of. I'm also going to try to be level headed the next time I see her. Which won't be for at least 3 weeks. So I have sometime to preper for being nice. (which might sound weired, but I found lately that at times I'm really tired and I'm not always as nice or as pleasant as I used to be. Of course the nice and pleasant Roxy used to be sincere and now I'm just riding what ever emotional horse is at my side. Result being, I'm not always that nice. I'm straighforward and honest.)

    Once again. Thank you! You gave me food for thought and I'm going to ponder and aply the advice given to me!

    Roxy
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #23

    May 13, 2010, 10:19 AM
    Hi Roxy,

    I'm sorry for not seeing this thread sooner. Sounds like you've made lots of progress from the first post of this thread.

    I'm really sorry for your lose. Losing someone close to you is never easy. There are going to be lots of emotional challenges along the way. It's how you overcome them that counts.

    You don't need to put extra pressure on yourself by expecting to overcome all the obstacles in one shot. Focus on one at the time. Every time you tackle a challenge, you will learn from experience and be better prepared in the future when you encounter another one.

    On a side not, if you ever need to vent, you know we're her for you.
    arienne1's Avatar
    arienne1 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #24

    May 16, 2010, 10:25 PM
    These post's have helped me a lot, my uncle committed suicide today and I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it, and all I can do is cry, he never showed any signs or symptoms of anything, he was only back from work (overseas in Libia for 3) days and he seemed fine... and I quote "just tired" and today my aunt woke up and found him on the deck with a gun... I'm really confused... I can't seem to wrap my head around how he got to this place, or if I could have helped... what was going through his mind... a million questions that will never be answered =(
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #25

    May 17, 2010, 10:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by arienne1 View Post
    These post's have helped me alot, my uncle committed suicide today and im not sure how im feeling about it, and all i can do is cry, he never showed any signs or symptoms of anything, he was only back from work (overseas in Libia for 3) days and he seemed fine... and i quote "just tired" and today my aunt woke up and found him on the deck with a gun... im really confused... i can't seem to wrap my head around how he got to this place, or if i could have helped... what was going through his mind... a million questions that will never be answered =(



    There is nothing you could have done to stop it. Troubled people don't give any sign to their loved ones when it comes to suicide. They may show signs of depression and there is help for that. Don't feel guilty for something you couldn't have forseen. You are in my prayers.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #26

    May 17, 2010, 11:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by arienne1 View Post
    These post's have helped me alot, my uncle committed suicide today and im not sure how im feeling about it, and all i can do is cry, he never showed any signs or symptoms of anything, he was only back from work (overseas in Libia for 3) days and he seemed fine... and i quote "just tired" and today my aunt woke up and found him on the deck with a gun... im really confused... i can't seem to wrap my head around how he got to this place, or if i could have helped... what was going through his mind... a million questions that will never be answered =(
    I'm glad you found this thread helpful!

    There is nothing you could have done. As sad as that thought and fact is, it's the truth. I thought the same thing... hadn't I forgotten his b-day maybe my dad would have held on... had he gotten my letter before he died maybe he would have held on..

    I think that when a person comes that far into the process of wanting to die, that they actually follow through and committ suicide... that was there wish, both your uncle and my dad.

    It doesn't make it any less sad though. That this was something they wanted. The pain is still there.

    But I don't want you to blame yourself for this! Cause there is nothing you could have done about it.

    I am very sorry for your pain! I really am. No one should go through what you are going through.

    Do you have emidiate family by yourside? It might be helpful for all of you to lean on each other and to try and remember the good times, good sides of him, moments you appreciate.

    I started keeping a diary where I write down memories. I find that helpful!

    Of course you are still at the beginning of the sorrow and the part where its all still processing.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that I am here, as well as other people on AMHD. I have found them to be wonderful and sympathetic people and a great help in sorting out my thoughts.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #27

    May 17, 2010, 11:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by roxypox View Post
    I'm glad you found this thread helpful!

    There is nothing you could have done. As sad as that thought and fact is, its the truth. I thought the same thing... hadn't I forgotten his b-day maybe my dad would have held on... had he gotten my letter before he died maybe he would have held on..

    I think that when a person comes that far into the process of wanting to die, that they actually follow through and committ suicide... that was there wish, both your uncle and my dad.

    It doesn't make it any less sad though. That this was something they wanted. The pain is still there.

    But I don't want you to blame yourself for this! Cause there is nothing you could have done about it.

    I am very sorry for your pain! I really am. No one should go through what you are going through.

    Do you have emidiate family by yourside? It might be helpful for all of you to lean on each other and to try and remember the good times, good sides of him, moments you appreciate.

    I started keeping a diary where I write down memories. I find that helpful!

    Of course you are still at the beginning of the sorrow and the part where its all still processing.

    i'm so sorry for your loss. Know that I am here, as well as other people on AMHD. I have found them to be wonderful and sympathetic people and a great help in sorting out my thoughts.






    It's so painful to read your stories... Beleive me when I say.. questioning what you did or didn't do won't do any good. When a troubled person has a mindset of suicide.. nothig can deter them. Don't carry any guilt around with you.. you are carrying the grief which is horrible all by itself.

    There is a lot of grief when a person chooses to do this and if you add guilt it will seem almost unbearable. Believe me, there is nothing you could have said or done. Blessings
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #28

    May 17, 2010, 12:00 PM

    Roxy - if I may call you that - when anyone dies the survivors question and question. It doesn't have to be a suicide, although admittedly with a suicide you think in terms of how you could have prevented it.

    My life has gone on but there are nights that I am awake, wondering "If only I had known that THIS time my husband's condition was far more serious than the Doctors realized; if ONLY I had gone to dialysis with him (which I sometimes did); if ONLY; if ONLY.

    It's part of life.

    You will ALWAYS question the what/when/how - in time you will come to terms with it.

    I'm not a religious person. I am a spiritual person. Your father is at peace now.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #29

    May 18, 2010, 09:56 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Roxy - if I may call you that - when anyone dies the survivors question and question. It doesn't have to be a suicide, although admittedly with a suicide you think in terms of how you could have prevented it.

    My life has gone on but there are nights that I am awake, wondering "If only I had known that THIS time my husband's condition was far more serious than the Doctors realized; if ONLY I had gone to dialysis with him (which I sometimes did); if ONLY; if ONLY.

    It's part of life.

    You will ALWAYS question the what/when/how - in time you will come to terms with it.

    I'm not a religious person. I am a spiritual person. Your father is at peace now.
    Yes feel free to call me Roxy :)

    I know your right about the questions. I also think they come naturally. Even when its not suicide.




    Right now I'm having a bad day. Yesterday marked 2 months since he died. I know that we still have to put him into the ground and that worries me.

    It kind of feels like I have a second funural to go to... although I feel it also marks the end of his journey. His body traveled quite the distance after he died and he was cremated (spelling?) so we haven't actually put him in the ground yet. I am glad that we will be putting him to rest though in the cemetery where he wanted to be put to rest.

    Even though I often find myself heart broken about my dads death... I often look at the picture I have of him on my dresser and feel nothing but a deep love for him and a sense of peace knowing that this was after all his choice and he did work hard to make it happen. So what ever it was that caused him to see this as is way out. At least it was a choice he made and it is comforting to know that he is at peace now. And to put him to rest at the cemetery.. well I think it will be nice to have a place to actually visit him when I feel like I need it.

    Cause being so far away and knowing we haven't placed him there yet is like bing in limbo...


    Although I will admit that it still hits me at times that I can't actually believe that this is real
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #30

    May 19, 2010, 06:14 AM

    - And my experience is that you will continue to have bad days for a long time. The good news is that you will also have a lot of good days and you are well on your way to accepting his death.

    Yes, the burial is like a second death but I found the good thing is that it is a form of closure. Closure (for me) came in little baby steps.

    He sounds like he was a good father because you have loving memories of him. That's what you have to hold on to - the way he lived, not the way he died.

    I think you are well on your way to finding peace.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #31

    May 19, 2010, 09:27 AM

    There is peace after something like this happens... but the anger and shock and guilt will have to run it's coarse.

    Know this.. you are a good person
    And so are many others here who have lost someone to suicide. You can go over and over and over what you could have done, but it all boils down to this.. you couldn't have stopped it.

    You could have stayed with him twenty-four hours a day seven days a week and he would have found a way to do it.

    Remember this... you did everything a person could do for him... Troubled hearts and minds are something we as ordinary people are not equipped to know how to handle.

    Gods' love and peace are with you. It's like balm on an aching heart... We here at AMHD love you and you are part of us now. We're here anytime you need us.
    arienne1's Avatar
    arienne1 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #32

    May 19, 2010, 07:35 PM

    Thanks you all for the support, I'm still so confused and absolutley shocked, its literally hard to function sometimes... and I keep remembering such odd things about my Uncle, like his odd obsession with making sure cupboard doors are closed lol.. and when I think of them I laugh out loud, and just as quickly as I laughed I find myself angry. Angry to the point that I lash out at anyone... I don't know if this is noramal or not... I have some family here but not they type of family that likes to acknowledge any kind of death out loud let alone suicide. My friends don't understand what I'm feeling they understand the pain and the saddness but not the intense anger and frustration and like everyone knows, there is no answer to the millions of questions I have. Im am so glad I found this site, its really nice to have somewhere to go, and just vent and be real about this even if it is for only a few minutes. I don't know how I would get through this without all of you who understand where I am... thank you =)
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #33

    May 19, 2010, 08:09 PM

    It's hard to lose anyone to death. Suicide is probably the hardest thing I had to deal with when I lost two friends within a couple of years of each other.

    One minute I was in denial, the next I was crying and asking "how could you do such a stupid thing"

    There were bouts of depression I could barely pull myself out of. The anger was horrible and I even questioned God.

    There were days I would even start to call one of them and then I would realize, they're gone and it would hit me all over again.

    My husband and my family were wonderful and my children. God carried me that whole time.
    One morning I realized, there was nothing I could have done. I know that now.

    You will get past this... cry when you feel like it... scream if you want too. Break a few dishes (not only will you feel better, you won't have to wash them)LOL

    Honestly it helps to vent. You are in my prayers sweetie and we are all here anytime you need to vent. Blessings to you sweetie.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #34

    May 25, 2010, 11:07 AM

    I'm finally home... when I got home I asked my family when we're going to put dad into the ground.

    Lately I've had a bad feeling. Ever since the 14th. That maybe... just maybe my step mom and her kids were going to put my dads urn into the ground before I got home.

    It turns out that's exacly what they've done. 2 days before the service they sent my brother a text informing him when the urn was to be placed into the ground.

    I can't even begin to verbalize how P.Oed I am at the entire situation. They knew when I was coming home and decided to hold it 1 week before I came home... + my siblings weren't even consulted when it would be good for them to do it...
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #35

    May 25, 2010, 12:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by roxypox View Post
    I'm finally home... when I got home i asked my family when we're gonna put dad into the ground.

    Lately I've had a bad feeling. Ever since the 14th. That maybe... just maybe my step mom and her kids were going to put my dads urn into the ground before I got home.

    It turns out thats exacly what they've done. 2 days before the service they sent my brother a text informing him when the urn was to be placed into the ground.

    I can't even begin to verbalize how P.Oed I am at the entire situation. They knew when I was coming home and decided to hold it 1 week before I came home... + my siblings weren't even consulted when it would be good for them to do it...



    Some advice and most here probably won't agree; this is a way of getting out some of the anger. You tell your stepmom EXACTLY how you feel about this. Hold nothing back.. (don't hit her or anything) She was his second wife, not your mom and her kids if they are old enough
    Should have informed you.

    Have a small memorial service for your Dad in a place he liked. Share memories and tears and photos. Just you and your siblings, you don't have to invite the wi.. the stepmom. You'll feel better. Hugs to you... Kit
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #36

    May 25, 2010, 12:58 PM

    Thank you Kit!!

    They are old enough, 22 and 24 (step siblings)

    And the second memorial service is a nice idea! I'm going to get on that. Gather my siblings, my aunts (his sisters) and do it our way.

    And I will tell her what I think of this! Cause I think its sh**ty behaviour!
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    shannongilmour Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
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    #37

    May 25, 2010, 03:13 PM

    My heart goes out to you, and to all of you who posted who have been effected by death and suicide. Your heart is feeling a deep burden because it didn't have the final say. It is the authority in your life and it dictates to you how much or how little love is required in you to give. That's been shut off and taken away and now the heart needs a way to continue as it was... sometimes it turns itself over to guilt and pain, and other times it just exists, refusing to allow love to become altered so it can exist in a new form, changed but not tainted. Time can be a way to heal, but even that itself seems to go at a snails pace... placing one foot in front of the other to see you through one day to the next is sometimes all you can do.

    If you need to talk, any of you, I'm here... HUGS!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #38

    May 25, 2010, 04:19 PM

    I agree with Kit - put closure to this any way you can. Maybe being "there" would have been a nightmare for you. Perhaps something simple, releasing a balloon (I know, bad for the environment), doing whatever you can to honor your father is more important than actually being there when his ashes were buried. My husband (who was sick for a long time so we talked about everything) wanted me to "follow his casket." He wanted no one at his burial, including his children, They will never understand. It sounds like this is not your situation but maybe - ? Or am I being overly hopeful that there is some kindness left in the World?

    And I was going to add what my husband told me - as long as I remember him he's not gone from me. And he's not.

    You'll be okay. This is another bump in the road.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #39

    May 25, 2010, 05:33 PM

    Judy makes a great point as you never know what instructions were left with the step family about how to handle his affairs. But a memorial between you and your siblings is a great suggestion.

    Acceptance is closure, even if our emotions are stirred up.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #40

    May 25, 2010, 06:15 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Judy makes a great point as you never know what instructions were left with the step family about how to handle his affairs. But a memorial between you and your siblings is a great suggestion.

    Acceptance is closure, even if our emotions are stirred up.



    Very True!

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