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BIM · Dec 1, 2006, 07:57 AM

My question is this: How frequently should a husband and wife have sex to satisfy each other?

I know this will open a whole lot of comments, but my husband and I argue over this on a daily basis. Our situation is this: I work 8 - 5 he works noon to anywhere between midnight and 1:00 a.m.

He gets home and wakes me up pretty much on a nightly basis wanting to do it. This really pisses me off because I have to get up at 6:00. I have talked to him about this numerous times and we have even gone to counseling (as you know from my previous post) he tells me that he is NOT going to be on a schedule for sex. If he wants it he wants it. I have asked him that maybe we could keep it for the weekend, mind you our "compatible days are Sat, Sun, Mon. This shouldn't be a problem, right?

For example last night (1:30 a.m.) he gets into bed, rolls over by me, puts his arms around me, grabs my stomach fat (I am 142 lbs, and very conscious of my weight) starts to play with it, slaps my twice, and tells me I need to roll over to his side of the bed and make him feel like he has a wife. What the hell is that? I tell him he needs to treat me with respect and he thinks he does.

I do not get this behavior? I also feel I have some resentment for my situation I posted about in August (husband thinks I cheating), but I also feel this sort of behaviour pisses me off also.

I feel like he is always groping (sp) on me. He cannot give me just a nice hug. He always has to grab my boobs or my private area. I feel things would be better if he would just be nice and respectful. He says he always has to initiate sex, but I feel I never get the chance to want it!! All he does is grab all the time, I want to feel loved not just a piece of!

Any suggestions at all?? :confused: Sorry for being so explicit, but trying to give all of you a picture of what is going on here. :o

BIM

Krs · Dec 1, 2006, 08:02 AM

My hubby has a habit to grabbing me like that... I get annoyed only when I'm not in a good mood... my biggest mistake was grab his private part back... but obviously he liked that... men!

valinors_sorrow · Dec 1, 2006, 08:44 AM

Oooooh "how often" is a question destined to get a lot of different answers because its really so subjective. One couple's foreplay would frustrate the next. And some folks schedule woould wear out any interest at all for others. LOL

I think you are on to something though that, ermmm, we call a girl thing or a guy thing in our house. LOL There are others besides the sex ones.

Only men seem to be so very able to stand in front of a mirror, gut hanging out, love handles galore and think mmm you beast! And I think good for them too. We females could use a little more of that sort of healthy ego. Appreciate his directness a little. He knows that sex is better when its not about how you look but how you make each other feeeeeeeeeel which segways into the girl thing part...

Women frequently need a bit of seduction to get all those good feelings lined up in order to have great sex and it's the wise man who realises this. We are simply not as ready as they are and it is a girl thing. Soooooo in our house sometimes a kind of foreplay starts long before the bedroom or any touching begins - if you know what I mean. LOL And he attempts to be mindful of my feelings which I got to tell you goes a long way to helping me be well, horny! :D

Maybe you need to print out what you get in the way of responses here and use it as a basis for a little chatting so you can help him understand the girl part better and he can help you understand that guy thing too and then afterwards you can both have great sex and ride off into the sunset... maybe? ;) It's a funny thing but just because we are married and do it often enough doesn't mean it doesn't need to be talked about like we did when we were dating -- you know... "pillow talk" where you really listen to each other? Make one rule - no arguing allowed, just talking... that maybe it leads somewhere.

BIM · Dec 1, 2006, 12:19 PM

I really cannot print things out, although a good idea, he gets upset when I ask "total strangers" questions about my life.

Thanks though. :o

excon · Dec 2, 2006, 09:52 AM

Hello BIM:

I'm a perfect stranger. K, I don't know about perfect, but I am strange… One thing I'm not, is warm and fuzzy.

This is about one (or a combination of), three things: 1) you don't like sex, 2) the mechanics of the sex you're having, or 3) anger.

If this is about sex (and I don't think it is), then you don't like sex. If you like sex, and you're not angry at him, then it's the mechanics of sex. IF you like sex, and I'm all wet, then you're pissed off at him for something else.

Me?? I think it's a lot of number 3, combined with number 2, with a healthy dose of number one thrown in.

What do you do about it? If you're angry, tell him. If it's the mechanics of sex, tell him. If you don't like sex, tell him.

What do these three solutions have in common? Communication and intimacy! You don't have those? Leave, and write him a letter!

excon

s_cianci · Dec 2, 2006, 05:47 PM

I agree with you. I think your husband should be willing and able to compromise. After all, you have "compatible days" 3 out of 7 where your schedules don't conflict. That's not so bad. I think it may be more of a power/control thing for your husband and that's unfortunate. Counseling may help if he's willing.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 2, 2006, 06:26 PM

Originally Posted by BIM

I really cannot print things out, although a good idea, he gets upset when I ask "total strangers" questions about my life.

Thanks though. :o

Between that cheating accusation thread, this one on sex and this comment, I wonder how your overall rapport with each other is and if that doesn't need some major work like counseling. I would be feeling a bit weird if I had to hide from my mate an activity as innocent as this. You guys clearly aren't sharing the power much, are you? Is that really okay with you Bim? I am sincerely asking here.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 2, 2006, 06:42 PM

See if he will agree to just go to bed, and then let you wake him up in the morning before you go to work,

He may not be quite as willing if it is him getting woke up.

But then he may and that could solve your issues also.

talaniman · Dec 2, 2006, 07:09 PM

Talking and engaging ones partner is so important to all aspects of a healthy relationship. I give her what she wants, and I get what I want. Schedules that conflict make it hard I will admit, and a quickie may last to long for busy people, but the idea is for both to be happy and satisfied. The truth, you better let him know what you want, and listen when he tells you what he wants. Or take a nap before he gets home, and jump his bones every now and then. He may be in a better mood when he wants his and be more cosiderate of your needs for loving intimacy. If not then you know he is an inconsiderate brute and in need of better housebreaking.

andrewcocke · Dec 8, 2006, 10:23 PM

I think you all should do it at 5AM.

Nothing like sex when your eyes are crusted shut, and half asleep.

BIM · Dec 11, 2006, 12:37 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Talking and engaging ones partner is so important to all aspects of a healthy relationship. I give her what she wants, and I get what I want. Schedules that conflict make it hard I will admit, and a quickie may last to long for busy people, but the idea is for both to be happy and satisfied. The truth, you better let him know what you want, and listen when he tells you what he wants. Or take a nap before he gets home, and jump his bones every now and then. He may be in a better mood when he wants his and be more cosiderate of your needs for loving intimacy. If not then you know he is an inconsiderate brute and in need of better housebreaking.

I agree with this Tal--I have been working a "little" with telling him what I want. He doesn't have any particular wants--other than just "getting it."

Maybe I need to do a little housebreaking??

BIM · Dec 11, 2006, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

You guys clearly aren't sharing the power much, are you? Is that really okay with you Bim? I am sincerely asking here.

I have to agree with you Val, I feel he has all the power because I am afraid to "rock the boat" so to speak. After everything I have gone through with the accusations, I am afraid to say much how I feel , for a lot of reasons. I am just now starting to do anything at all with my friends since the August incident because I am afraid of accusations. I went out to eat Friday at 6:00, had 3 drinks, was on my way home at 8:00, and I was afraid of how I was going to tell him I did this, in fear it was going to cause a huge blow up.

He told me that I was never to go out with any of my 'single' friends to a place that serves alcohol, without him.

I didn't have an affair, but I feel I am always under a microscope when ever I do anything. So Val, I guess it is a control issue. I guess I am just now starting to say to myself - hey I am 40 yrs old and if I want to eat supper with a friend or a group of friends, I should be able to do so. So maybe I am trying to get my control back. I don't know...

BIM · Dec 11, 2006, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by excon

Hello BIM:

This is about one (or a combination of), three things: 1) you don’t like sex, 2) the mechanics of the sex you’re having, or 3) anger.

Me??? I think it’s a lot of number 3, combined with number 2, with a healthy dose of number one thrown in.

What do you do about it? If you’re angry, tell him. If it’s the mechanics of sex, tell him. If you don’t like sex, tell him.
excon

Well Excon: I think it is a combination of 2 and 3. Yes I have anger issues with him--see my cheating thread--and I am quite sure the 'mechanics' need to be improved. I am sure I enjoy sex, and I am also sure I have other issues that go along with this.

Thank you for your input.

SINGLE4 · Dec 11, 2006, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by BIM

make him feel like he has a wife.
BIM

Excuse me..

I had read in a previous post of yours that you and your husband have sex twice a week! Is this still true? I have a lot of married friends that are happy in their marriage that only have sex twice a month!

Let him know that marriage isn't just about sex! He needs to treat you with respect! Also, maybe if he wouldn't hound you like "a dog" all the time that you may be interested in having sex (making love... whatever)!

I don't like this guy!! Sorry!