[daydreamer01]

I am 34 years old and have been married for 17 years. My husband and I married when I was 17 and he had two children from a previous marriage. We also have three boys between us.

I love my family and I love my husband, but there are a lot of issues that I am trying to deal with. The main issue being that I feel like I am trapped and that he is controlling me – but I don’t know if it’s him or just me.

Up until four years ago we had some seriously physical altercations. Though they weren’t all the time, there were a few bad situations. When I almost left him (four years ago) that put a halt on a lot of issues. We worked things out and have been doing well. However there are still issues and some seem to be getting worse again.

When he comes home from work he gets ready for the gym and off we go. He is very strict about working out and he doesn’t like it if I miss the gym for any reason. He then comes home and goes right to our room to his computer. This is where he stays the rest of the night until it is time to go to bed.

He is a very loving and affectionate man. He likes to make me smile and give me things, but he is also high maintenance. He controls many aspects of my time and life. He has to talk to me as much as possible through the day and see me whenever possible. At home he wants me by his side and where he is at all times. He gets jealous if I spend too much time with our boys or doing anything else that takes time away from him. I don’t mind spending time with him or talking on the phone, but sometimes I can’t when I am at work and he becomes upset about it.

He is a very load and straight forward individual and this has been hard to deal with. He embarrasses me in public with his view on some issues and his comments that are inappropriate. I find myself apologizing form him, making excuses and lying at times.

If I have an opposing view about anything, I am wrong and there is no other way around it. He will argue with me on how wrong I am and become verbally abusive if I don’t agree with him. Basically he tries to force me to see things his way. This is a big problem!

Our children don’t go on field trips out of town, they don’t get to go to family members during breaks, and they don’t do things that we did as kids. They are not allowed to do anything unless it is with us. I disagree with this and it is starting to get worse. I hate the way they are always stuck at home and so I let them go to their friends houses and even to the pool with their cousins. He is not happy about this.

I try so hard to avoid confrontation. It is so bad that I have to think about what I say before I say it, just to make sure that I am saying it in a way that won’t cause problems. I worry that what I say will come back at me – and will cause a fight. No matter who is right or wrong in a fight, I am wrong. If I refuse to admit I am wrong, then he will pout, make me feel guilty or continue the fight until I cry and give in.
He has become increasingly harsh and snappy. He refuses to go to counseling because he believes they are brainwashers and we shouldn’t air our dirty laundry. He is very judgmental and critical of other people. So much that he will call a perfect stranger names. He has a short fuse and I don’t like to tempt it. When I try to talk to him about things he throws it right back at me. He says I am hormonal and that I imaging things or that I never listen to him and his feelings. I try to but his feelings always seem to blame me for everything, because I don’t see things the way he does. Everything is good as long as I agree with him.

Please understand he is not like this all of the time. He can also be one of the sweetest and most loving people I know. He is funny and encouraging in a lot of ways. He tells people what a wonderful wife I am and how much he loves me. He tells them so many good things about me that it embarrasses me. He provides well for our family. Everyone who knows us thinks we have a perfect marriage. I can’t talk to anyone and I don’t want anyone to think bad about him. Even our boys love him, but they get very upset with him too. They don’t like when he gets mad at me for stupid things.

Perfect example: My brother and his family were here for a week. I visited with them as much as possible, because I only see them once a year. He would come out of the room some, but mostly he just stayed in there. He became very angry with me over a popsicle carried into the living room by a baby. I wasn’t happy about it either, but he yelled at me that I had better start handling my guests. He also became upset because dinner wasn’t done on time one night and my some commented “let me guess, dinner wasn’t done on time right”. He only gets angry if it has been a while since he last ate. He has to eat every 2-3 hours in order to gain wait (bodybuilder). Never the less it hurt when my son said that. Then he became very angry with me because he doesn’t like something my doctor said and he threatened me if I didn’t find another doctor. I refused to agree with him this time and he is still fuming over it. He thinks my doctor is a moron and government led. He kept making comments about me not spending time with him and ordering me to bed at certain times.

He has a way of making me feel guilty about things so I stop or change what I am doing in order to avoid a fight. He kept making comments about me eating lunch with coworkers and how I didn’t have time to talk to him. So now I eat alone, unless he comes to have lunch with me.

I know that he loves me very much, but I am tired of making excuses and giving up things I want to accommodate him. At the same time I feel like I am being selfish and cruel to think like this. I wonder if I am just making it more than what it is or am I imaging it.

The worst part is, lately all I can think about or imagine is what life would be like if had died. How life would be for my kids and I. I have to be some kind of crazy person to think this way!

How could I even imagine throwing away 17 years of marriage, and doing that to my kids? What would people think?

Please tell me what you think, I am utterly confused, and scared.

Thank you,

[smoothy]

With his anger issues being a boby builder, I wonder if its not 'Roid rage... where he is using illegal steroids. That's a common side effect, and a shortcut to doing it the old fashioned way... hard work alone.. I've actually seen that with others I knew in the past. That however is no free pass for what it causes basically his behaviour.

I'll say the man sounds like he has issues... respect for others being just one.

The keeping kids nearby may or may not be an issue... it depends on your area. Its just not safe today for kids to do what we did growing up 30-40 years ago. A sad but true fact. And one of the very few points I might see some validity with you say he has done. But you really have to be inside his head to know WHY. It might be what I said... it might be a simple controlling thing.


The man really does need to see someone... I see many different things that justify that assessment.

[daydreamer01]

First off let me appologize - I must have been frustrated, because my spelling sucks.

Thank you for your insight. I hope that somehow I can stear through the confusion and figure this out. For my family!

[smoothy]

If he is in fact using illegal steroids... you need to know. He can very well become dangerous when he goes off.

[daydreamer01]

He isn't using anything right now. He has in the past and it never made him any worse than normal, but he hasn't for over 6months.

Like I said, he is a very loving man.
But he believes he is never wrong and that he is the head of the house and we are required to obey. When we don't - then he is like Mr. Hyde.
If I have a different opinion than him then I am not supporting him and I am making him look bad. Im just confused! I feel like we need to leave him, but I love him and he loves us. But I don't think he will change - He says that if people don't like him for who he is then F them.

[JoeCanada76]

I honestly do not feel that you should throw away the marriage either. The thing is it sounds like you just short in saying that he abused you physically. The abuse you are getting now in my own opinion is emotional abuse and very controlling ways. There is no doubt that he is very controlling. Yet you allow him to control you. So that is a major problem in your marriage as well. Your always making excuses for his behavior and you are always listening to what he has to say.

As far as being protective over the kids, I can see why.
Let me ask you a question. There could be many things that is causing him to behave this way.

Obsessive compulsive disorder. I would also like to know whether he has always been this way in your marriage? When did it start, if there was a starting point?

To tell you where to sit at lunch with co workers is a big crock of s-it. What right does he have to tell you who you can sit with or can not sit with or talk too.

It is nice though that he wants you by his side but there needs to be some kind of leeway. I would also like to know more about his back ground. The way he was raised. His family information because there can be so many factors in his behavior.

I also suggest that if he refuses counseling that you should take up counseling yourself, because maybe going on your own will give you ideas and new ways of how to deal with this type of personality in your life. That very well may help in your marriage.

He defiantly needs to see one, but understand that many people think it is not okay because they feel like they are failing or it could effect there marriage in a bad way.

The thing is many people seek out counsel and it does not mean that it is the end of the world but a beginning of a way to look at life differently. Just like any profession there are good ones, and bad ones. The good ones will guide you in a way that will help yourself in your situation but not actually do it for you.

The work and changes have to work through you and your husband.

Take care and I hope the best for a positive outcome for your whole family.

Joe

[smoothy]

He isnt using anything right now. He has in the past and it never made him any worse than normal, but he hasnt for over 6months.

Like i said, he is a very loving man.
But he believes he is never wrong and that he is the head of the house and we are required to obey. When we dont - then he is like Mr. Hyde.
If I have a differnt opinion than him then I am not supporting him and I am making him look bad. Im just confused! I feel like we need to leave him, but I love him and he loves us. But I dont think he will change - He says that if people dont like him for who he is then F them.

Well, those effects do wear off... and they can make someone do things they previously might not have. If he has in fact stopped using them that's one good thing.

I do NOT agree with his take on if you differ in opinion from what he thinks...


THe last statement - He says that if people dont like him for who he is then F them. really isn't that unusual. Or wrong. After all, nobody else bows to what you want... so why should you bow to them.

Most adults think that way even if they might not want to admit it.


I'll admit... 17 years of marriage he isn't going to change. Not without a life threatening experience anyway. If he is unwilling to work with a counselor and you, then you might have to seriously consider leaving.

People have disputes, or arguments at times... but threatening your partner is never acceptable. Particularly if you just happen to be bigger and stronger than they are.

[daydreamer01]

Im afraid that it would take many more pages to answer the few questions asked.

I will tell you this - I feel like I am deceiving him just by asking this question here. And I feel really guilty!

He was raised by a very strict father and a very loving mother. He was always running around and doing things with his family and friends.

I too am very protective of my children, but I feel my kids need to be around more of their family.

He is not always verbal about his dislike with things, but he has many ways of making his point known without words. He is a master at making me feel guilty.

I can't tell you all how good it feels getting this off my chest - but at the same time I have a huge sickening feeling in my stomach for doing it.

[daydreamer01]

Like I said before - I am confused.

He can be one of the sweetest and romantic people I have ever known.

But he can also go of the deep end at a moments notice. He calls me names if I try to argue and he makes some very bad comments about me.

Most of our fights relate to me standing against him for the kids sake. He can get really mean with his words! But he always tryes to make ammends afterwords.

I am tired and I am afraid I am going crazy! Why do I keep daydreaming of leaving him or what life would be like if he died. I feel so bad because today he is as sweet as honey, but I am secretly thinking of all of this constantly.

Sorry - but there is so much that I can't say and so much I need too.

I guess I wish someone would tell me I am crazy and to get over it.

[Kitkat22]

You sound like me many years ago. My ex-husband was a bully and a chronic manipulator. He was abusive in more ways than one. I suffered because I was far from home with nobody to talk too and no money to get away. I didn't tell my folks because I knew what my Dad would have done. I still have scars on my body from the blows he inflicted and I think I would have ended up dead, but after my child was born I fought back and left.

I did not want my child to grow up walking on eggshells because her Dad didn't like what I cooked or see him kicking me on the legs and slapping me in the face because I read the newspaper before he did. I listened to him screaming at her one night because she was crying and she wasn't even nine months old. He was screaming like he had lost his mind and that's when I went a little insane. He bears a scar from that incident.

I left and never went back and for a long time I was leery of a any man who tried to talk to me. I was raised in a wonderful home and I never, ever heard my Dad or Mom get loud in an argument. Please look at your options and get your kids out! Like the other post says, he is probably on steroids and they are sooo dangerous.You can do it! Be careful and have someone there if you decide to leave.

He is a ticking time bomb. Please know, I am so sorry for what you're going through and we will help you find the right answers. There are experts here who will give you some great advice. I'm not an expert, but I have been exactly where you are now. Don't feel hopeless and I will pray for you. God Be with you and your children.:)

[JoeCanada76]

Your not crazy. Your afraid. He has been emotionally abusing you and your always walking around egg shells and are not happy obviously. These feelings you have are all normal for the environment your in.

You are getting all of this off your chest. It is good. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Also it is always good to get opinions. From people outside of your situation because it can be looked at more objectively.

I am happy that your hear sharing your situation with us and I hope it helps to gain some perspective and yes it would take a long time to get all of it out, but that is what we are here for.

As long as you need to talk we are all hear with our different ideas and thoughts and hope just knowing that you do have somebody that listens to your concerns will help you move forward in some way.

[daydreamer01]

Thank you for your prayers.

Please no that he doesn't physically abuse me. He knows that would be the end. Four years ago the physical fighting between us ended. I told him I was done and would not deal with it anymore. I was not totally innocent to the physical fights. Almost losing me, scared him enough to avoid a physical confrontation.

I garuntee you that on our anniversary I will be showered with roses and gifts, allong with affection and love.
And I will hate myself for ever thinking bad of him.

Tell me, did you ever second guess yourself? I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. One moment I don't love him and need to leave and the other I chastise myself for thinking bad of him and decieving him.

I am so lost!

[KBC]

You married at 17, how old was he that he already had children?

From what I have read thus far,I would say he is a manipulator,has control issues,insecurities that are more than the 'average' person..

If you feel threatened by even writing about this, don't you think it might be time for a change?

Do you want to be treated as an equal to him,or stay under his thumb?Do you want more say-so about the kids without things becoming an argument?It sounds like you do.

I suggest this site, Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self by setting a boundary you draw a line in the sand,you make your side of the relationship heard, then let it go, you don't have control over the outcome,you can only make your intentions clear.

You seem to be carrying a lot of weight around, when does it let up?When are you going to 'spread your wings' and be a free person,one who makes her own decisions?

I am not saying leave him, I am also not saying stay, you must decide for yourself what you want.

Insane? no way, if you are,so are many others,, my mother has 'put up' with dads controlling,your wrong,I'm right,issues and has been warped into the person she is today, she found an outlet for all that frustration, she drinks wine to excess, sounds like a Hollywood story, but it's true non-the-less:(

I hope you don't end up having to second guess your every move like mom does, it'll break you eventually.

Hope this is helpful!

[Kitkat22]

Thank you for your prayers.

Please no that he doesnt physically abuse me. He knows that would be the end. Four years ago the physical fighting between us ended. I told him I was done and would not deal with it anymore. I was not totally innocent to the physical fights. Almost loosing me, scared him enough to avoid a physical confrontation.

I garuntee you that on our anniversary I will be showered with roses and gifts, allong with affection and love.
And I will hate myself for ever thinking bad of him.

Tell me, did you ever second guess yourself? I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. One moment I dont love him and need to leave and the other I chastise myself for thinking bad of him and decieving him.

I am so lost!

Of course I did! When you love someone you will find reasons which seem plausible at the the time. Let me give you some examples!


The first time he yelled at me was two weeks after we were married and he did it front of all his friends. I cried. He said he was sorry I forgave.

The verbal abuse came if I mentioned getting a job or coming home to see my mom and dad, even though my dad would pay for my plane ticket.

The first time he hit me I was so shocked and hurt I couldn't believe it.
I went to his sisters house and he actually cried saying how much he loved me and it would never happen again and there was always the making up.

After a year of hell and another year of ER visits for broken bones and a concussion, I decided to leave, but I found out I was pregnant.

Excuse.. I loved him and he would change once our child was born.
Excuse number two. I want my child to have both parents.
Excuse number three He can be so sweet sometimes, maybe it is my fault.
Excuse number four How will I raise my child without a father.
Excuse number five, I'm afraid he'll kill me if he knows I'm planning on leaving.

I have posted my experiences on this forum more than once and let me tell you he did have a sense I was planning on leaving. He tore into me like he had lost his mind and started screaming at our baby who woke up screaming. I fought for my life, I really believe that. There was something in his eyes that was pure evil. I hit him with a wooden bowl and the blood from his head blinded him. I grabbed my baby and I ran.
I never went back and thank God I didn't. I have a wonderful husband and he's the only Dad my child has ever known. I hope I helped you! Keep us posted and stay with us Okay? God Bless:)http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Walsh

[smoothy]

I agree with the others here...

While I am a guy... I have seen manipulators of both genders over the years... and he is definitely manipulating you... even if it may not be as clear that it might be abuse as well.

THink about it... super nice when he gets his way... super nasty when he doesn't.
That's not part of a normal relationship. Does my wife do things I dislike at times... certainly, does she at times infuriate me? Certainly... but I never play those sorts of games. Oh I let her know I'm not happy... but I don't feel a need to intimidate her when its something I might not really like.

You do need to keep a close tab with those frequent wild swings he goes through. Moody is one thing... this is beyond moody. You do ultimately have to make that decision... when enough is enough. Just know that its yours to make... and that you may actually have to do it.

[daydreamer01]

Again I want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers and suggestions.

First of all I am going to try and work things out, get him to see what he is doing and hope that he will change. I owe it to my children to try.

I'll let you know what happens! Thank you again and God bless all of you.

[Kitkat22]

Again I want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers and suggestions.

First of all I am going to try and work things out, get him to see what he is doing and hope that he will change. I owe it to my children to try.

I'll let you know what happens! Thank you again and God bless all of you.

Daydream... We're here if you need us. Please be careful and please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing! Blessings:)

[Aurora_Bell]

Hey Daydreamer!
Wow what a story! Ok first question is, was he always like this, or is it something that just came about? Second question- how long has he been body building?

It definitely sounds like he is a master manipulator. My father daughter was (is) like that.
At first it was small things like not going out for lunch with my co- workers, he missed me too much during the day, and while he didn't want to meet me for lunch he expected me to stay in close to my phone in case he called. Well I thought I would get a cell phone for those days. Next thing I knew I was spending the whole lunch hour in the bathroom or outside talking to him, trying to assure him I wasn't on a date or making fun of him with my friends.

Then it was if I was going to be away for a meeting, he would just happen to show up out of town where I was to meet for lunch. At first I thought this was really nice, all my friends and co workers couldn't believe that he was willing to travel 3 hours out of town to meet me for lunch. Little did they know we spent the whole lunch arguing because I was talking to a male co-worker.

Then it turned into me going to bed, no, not just going into the same room and laying down with him, but actually lights out go to sleep when he did. If he would awake and I was laying there awake, he would get mad, turn it around on me, say things like "obviously you can't stand laying next to me you feel that uncomfortable that you can't sleep".

Then it turned into what clothes I was allowed to wear and on what days. Was not allowed to wear jeans on casual day, they were too provocative, wasn’t allowed to wear purple shirts on days I was wearing my hair down etc...

And then it was when friends came over (I was NOT allowed to leave the house without him) he would yell at me if they chewed their gum too loud, or smoked too often, or ate chips on the couch or brought movies over. It was a night mare. I stopped having people over.

Then it turned into I was not allowed to shower when he wasn't home. So if I got home from my WEEKEND job as a waitress, I was not allowed to shower or change out of my uniform for sometimes 4 hours, until he came home.

It did finally end in physical abuse for me unfortunately. I started standing up for myself, wouldn’t back down, wouldn't agree to his ridiculous out looks on life, so a punch in the mouth was in order. And it escalated from there. I left him 3 years ago, 2 days ago.
I am not saying you guys have to end that way or are going to end that way, but if you feel that you need to seek outside help with your relationship I strongly advise you to do that. If you are frightened you need to tell someone. You are a grown woman and no one should ever make you feel like that!

[daydreamer01]

Wow Aurora-Bell,

I definitely think you had it worse than me. I am glad to hear that you got out of that situation.

To answer your questions, he has always been this way. More so sometimes than others, but he tends to back down on some issues if he sees that I am not going to tolerate it. On the other hand I think he is getting worse lattely. And yes he has always been a body builder.

I am trying to stand my ground more offten, I can see there is tension because of this, but he doesn't push it!

I think he sees that I am not budging any more on many things, but I am still taking it slow so that it doesn't blow up all at once.

[Kitkat22]

Wow Aurora-Bell,

I definately think you had it worse than me. I am glad to hear that you got out of that situation.

To answer your questions, he has always been this way. More so sometimes than others, but he tends to back down on some issues if he sees that I am not going to tolerate it. On the other hand I think he is getting worse lattely. And yes he has always been a body builder.

I am trying to stand my ground more offten, I can see there is tension because of this, but he doesnt push it!

I think he sees that I am not budging any more on many things, but I am still taking it slow so that it doesnt blow up all at once.

Stay strong! He is the one who is going to lose everything! Not YOU!
We are here for you.:)