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I wish · Mar 19, 2010, 05:36 PM

I'm going to take a different approach. If she's not ready for a divorce, then there's still a slim hope, even though she broke up with you.

Therefore, try this approach, though it may be easier said than done:

It's great that you have considered therapy for yourself. You've identified that you have some problems and you want to tackle them. Good first step! It's a good idea to stabilize your own emotions and your own life. As the saying goes, "how can you help someone if you can't even help yourself?" Once you're in a solid position, you will be in a better position to help her.

If you want her back, then let her know that you love her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work.

Remember, it takes two people to make a relationship work. So after you let her know that you are there for her and that you want her back, the ball would be on her side of the court. It will be up to her if she wants to work things out. So you will have to be patient to see if she comes back.

However, even though you've taken all these steps, there's a possibility that she still won't want to come back.

She definitely has a lot of issues to work out, so patience is the key in repairing this marriage.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2010, 06:26 PM

I don't see you having much choice, but to work on yourself, and keep an eye on her from afar. Until she decides what her next move is, your helpless to make her do anything.

I don't know how long you were together before you got married, or how the relationship was before, but for now she does what she wants. Maybe its crazy, and doesn't make sense to you but all you can do is be patient, and do what you can, when she asks you.

It could be years before you get to the bottom of the issues you both have and she obviously, for whatever reason wants to do this her way, and you have to let her.

Do you communicate at all? Regularly?

Kitkat22 · Mar 19, 2010, 06:32 PM

We are all here to help. There are experts on this forum like "I Wish" and "Talaniman" who are wonderful at what they do. I promise they will never steer you wrong or tell you anything that isn't in your best interest.

Gemini54 · Mar 19, 2010, 08:39 PM

Our relationship issues were often around her finding happiness, and self esteem. Also about how I would communicate with other people, I do not always let many people in. She has always told me that I would give her happiness, that we would always agree and we should never have an argument because that would not be true love.

I imagine that it's terribly difficult to be with someone that gives YOU responsibility for THEIR happiness.

From what you've described, it sounds as if your wife changes jobs and homes like other people change their clothes - and it may very well be that she's like this with people and relationships as well.

Perhaps you need to step back from feeling responsible for her happiness - because she needs to come to terms with the fact that her own happiness lies in her own hands.

Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination - and it comes from how we perceive the world around us - not what people can give us. Happiness can often be fleeting - but this does not make our lives unhappy - it simply makes the times we are happy much more intense.

You may need to accept that your wife's search for happiness is fraught with many deep seated problems, and that you may not be the one that can help her.

I would encourage you to be supportive and available, but don't make your own happiness dependent on hers.

KISS · Mar 19, 2010, 09:25 PM

When I read the OP's posts, I get the "sense" that he is depressed just based on writing style. So, I agree that you have to help yourself first. You need a combination of a psychologist and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tries to find medication. Maybe something mild like Welbutrin SR. It's usually a game of trial and error trying to find a med.

I sense that you need confidence in yourself.

She may be actively seeking something, hence continuous change.

If what I suspect is true, that you lack confidence and she is "seeking something" then there is an imbalance in the relationship.

I think you need confidence in yourself, so that she can have confidence in you.

My opinion, yes.

garbanz · Mar 21, 2010, 07:23 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you communicate at all? Regularly?

We were communicating up until two weeks ago. Now we do not talk at all. We have not even been able to talk about a possible divorce. I am very much in the dark.

Originally Posted by Gemini54

You may need to accept that your wife's search for happiness is fraught with many deep seated problems, and that you may not be the one that can help her.

I would encourage you to be supportive and available, but don't make your own happiness dependent on hers.

I am accepting that. It has not been easy, but I am working on that acception.

How do I make myself available? I have told her that I want to work on things, that I am always open to talk to her, and that I love her and want our marriage to work. I fear she does not hear that, and she will never try to talk, even if it is to end our marriage.

talaniman · Mar 21, 2010, 07:42 AM

Let your emotional dust settle, and take some time for you. You have done what you can, but now she has to make her decision without you. She knows she can call and talk to you about anything, so there is no need to push and repeat what she already knows.

If she needs you she will call.

I wish · Mar 21, 2010, 09:02 AM

Don't push her to contact you anymore. You already said your piece to her, the ball is one her side of the court.

If you really wanted to work things out, you would wait until she's ready to talk. You can't force her to talk to you.

Focus on yourself. It's not like she can legally get married with someone else. Be patient.

Kitkat22 · Mar 21, 2010, 11:30 AM

The fact that you love her will help. I don't know why I feel the way I do about your post but I am so glad you came back. I honestly feel in my heart where there is love there is hope. I think she will see what a wonderful man you are, I really do.

Ask God to guide you and restore her health and I believe if she has to keep on taking medicine there is no shame in that. Give her space and don't keep feeling you've done anything wrong, you haven't. You have stood beside her when her own parents didn't. God Bless You

garbanz · Mar 21, 2010, 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

She knows she can call and talk to you about anything, so there is no need to push and repeat what she already knows.

If she needs you she will call.

I am taking care of myself, and I am not contacting her anymore. I hope she does know that she can call. I do love her very much, and I hope we are able to return to therapy and try to work out our problems.

But I am also glad to have learned that she too is in therapy now. She is very far away, and I am sad that she is feeling hurt, sad, and confused, but I hope she embraces her therapy.

garbanz · Mar 21, 2010, 10:08 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

Don't push her to contact you anymore. You already said your piece to her, the ball is one her side of the court.

If you really wanted to work things out, you would wait until she's ready to talk. You can't force her to talk to you.

Focus on yourself. It's not like she can legally get married with someone else. Be patient.

I'm not pushing anything right now, and am working on waiting for her. I most certainly have not forced her to do anything, part of me feels I rolled over and let her go in the direction she went, but I also don't think there was anything I could have done to stop it. So I thought the best thing was to try and understand and work on things as they come. Not so easy.

I am focusing on myself, but think about her all day and night. What can I do to try and move forward and keep from wanting to call her and continue working on the problem?

Kitkat22 · Mar 22, 2010, 05:39 AM

Originally Posted by garbanz

I'm not pushing anything right now, and am working on waiting for her. I most certainly have not forced her to do anything, part of me feels I rolled over and let her go in the direction she went, but I also don't think there was anything I could have done to stop it. So I thought the best thing was to try and understand and work on things as they come. Not so easy.

I am focusing on myself, but think about her all day and night. What can I do to try and move forward and keep from wanting to call her and continue working on the problem?

Hi Garbanz.. I'm glad to see you here again. You are going to be okay. I know you are! It's good that you have loved her through sickness and health. That what wedding vows are all about. That love you feel for her will help you through this and a lot of prayer.

You are a patient man and a good man and I honestly think she will get better and you will have a happy life together. Depression is a horrible thing and it makes you feel like you're in a deep dark hole and you want to pull the cover over that hole and shut the world outside.

It makes you feel worse knowing you're hurting the ones you love the most and in that state of mind you feel you have one way to stop from hurting them and that is to leave. It isn't the right thing to do but a person who is in this frame of mind doesn't see it that way. She really thinks you will be better off without her.

Pray a lot garbanz and be strong. Miracles are still happening and through prayer and strong faith and patience she'll find her way back to you. Blessings to you my friend!

garbanz · Mar 22, 2010, 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Hi Garbanz..I'm glad to see you here again. You are going to be okay. I know you are! It's good that you have loved her through sickness and health. that what wedding vows are all about. That love you feel for her will help you through this and a lot of prayer.

You are a patient man and a good man and I honestly think she will get better and you will have a happy life together. Depression is a horrible thing and it makes you feel like you're in a deep dark hole and you want to pull the cover over that hole and shut the world outside.

It makes you feel worse knowing you're hurting the ones you love the most and in that state of mind you feel you have one way to stop from hurting them and that is to leave. It isn't the right thing to do but a person who is in this frame of mind doesn't see it that way. She really thinks you will be better off without her.

Pray a lot garbanz and be strong. Miracles are still happening and through prayer and strong faith and patience she'll find her way back to you. Blessings to you my friend!

Thank you very much KitKat22. You have had some very kind words and I don't want you to think that they have gone unnoticed.

I have always been a very open and loving person, but it wasn't until these recent problems in my life that ever allowed this side of me to come out. Part of me is upset, because I wonder if this side of me was more in the open, maybe we wouldn't have had the problems we are having. I'm not being anybody I am not comfortable being. I am in a place in my life, that I have finally understood that being and doing what I want to is what makes me the person that I am.

I've said it before; there has not been a day that goes by that I do not think about her all day. That I don't miss her, wonder where she is, what she is doing, if she is crying, hoping that she is laughing.

I work on my patience, and know that the very man I think I am, that she fell in love with, is the man that needs to be in this position now. If I can not be who I am, then we can never be, and I will not find the peace.

Thank You.

Kitkat22 · Mar 22, 2010, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by garbanz

Thank you very much KitKat22. You have had some very kind words and I don't want you to think that they have gone unnoticed.

I have always been a very open and loving person, but it wasn't until these recent problems in my life that ever allowed this side of me to come out. Part of me is upset, because I wonder if this side of me was more in the open, maybe we wouldn't have had the problems we are having. I'm not being anybody I am not comfortable being. I am in a place in my life, that I have finally understood that being and doing what I want to is what makes me the person that I am.

I've said it before; there has not been a day that goes by that I do not think about her all day. That I don't miss her, wonder where she is, what she is doing, if she is crying, hoping that she is laughing.

I work on my patience, and know that the very man I think I am, that she fell in love with, is the man that needs to be in this position now. If I can not be who I am, then we can never be, and I will not find the peace.

Thank You.

Things will work out for you. I know you are a good man. You talk about your wife and I can feel how much you love her. I think if she gets the help she needs you all will work things out.

You are doing the right thing by giving her space! It hurts when you love someone and you watch them in such pain! She has to want help and I think when she realizes you are not going to contact her she will realize what she stands to lose.

Shame on her parents! That is the gist of the the problem it isn't
You! Don't you blame yourself for this. I'm still praying for you and I hope you are praying also. My favorite verse in the Bible is, "Weeping endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"

Bless you Garbanz:):).

garbanz · Mar 29, 2010, 06:34 AM

Threads merged

With the holiday this week, I want to wish my wife well. We have had no contact for a little over two weeks now, but I know it has not been easy on my part. I don't feel right having a wife I don't talk to, even though I know she needs to be working on her own problems (see previous question posted). Do I need to continue to focus, and maintain no contact and hope that she is working on what she needs to?

smoothy · Mar 29, 2010, 06:52 AM

Maintain the no contact... remember, the world does not revolve around you, nor does everyone else see things as you do.

She doesn't want to hear from you... respect her wishes.

garbanz · Apr 5, 2010, 02:17 AM

I'm having a hard time. My thoughts are always about my wife. I have not seen her in over a month, and have not spoken for three weeks. I know it has not been very long, but it seems like a lifetime. With the holidays that just passed, I felt very lost without her by my side. I even feel guilty trying to move forward with my life.

Is there any other advice other than "no contact"? I am working, reaching out to friends, but nothing replaces the loss I have been suffering, and the worry I have of what she is doing.

talaniman · Apr 5, 2010, 06:16 AM

I can only add that in addition to the NC, be patient, as your feelings will take time to deal with. Honestly, a lot of time is required to get over someone we cared about. It's a slow hard process, but don't feel guilty about moving on.

Kitkat22 · Apr 5, 2010, 08:30 AM

Do a lot of praying, ask God for guidance! He hears our prayers... Hugs

garbanz · Apr 9, 2010, 05:29 AM

Well, contact has been broken. Tax season made the accountant reach out to both of us, and we have exchanged an email regarding the issue.

I also wrote her a letter and mailed it, the same day the accountant reached us. Honest coincidence. The letter said nothing more than my feelings and truly did not put anything on the table other me extending a hand, was kept short and not sappy. If she chooses to reach for it, then... if not, then I was brave to make myself vulnerable to be hurt more, but was able to do what is in my heart.