[dazedandconfused2010]

THREADS MERGED

(All the facts)
I was 22 when I got married (Now 23). We dated for 6 years before we got married. Went all through high school together. We live together a year before we got married. We have now been married for 1 year. I own my own business, he works with his dad.

(Now here's what I think and feel)

He is a pushover. He works for his dad and never gets his check on time. That puts us behind on bills, always. But he is afraid to talk to him and gets mad if I bring it up. And doesn't want me to talk to his dad so it's like I'm stuck. I think that a man should have qualities of leadership, strength, etc.. And that is exactly his weaknesses.I'm exactly the opposite of him. Very open and honest. Can talk about anything to anyone. That's how I've always been. So it's very hard for me to continue down this road. I think he should handle his job differently and be the man of the house. But this is just not him and I don't know what to do. Talking about his job is something he does NOT like to talk about. He COMPLETELY shuts me out. Ask a question and its always "I don't know" If I get mad, he doesn't care. It does not matter what I think and he is not going to do anything about it no matter what I say or how I say it.

I always try to "cut up" with him, lighten him up a bit, but he's kind of like a stick in the mud. And I feel like when I talk to him, like I'm talking to a wall. Like he is absent minded. He will NOT communicate with me. I have tried everything from talking nicely to being mad to question here, question there but nothing works. All he says is I don't know to everything I ask him.

The number of bad days really out weigh the number of good ones.. by far. I feel like we can walk around the house most days and he just ignores me. I don't know what to do. I have been putting for the effort for a very long time and have got nothing in return. Every time it seems he might turn around, he goes back to doing the same thing. I don't get it.

Another issue; I don't know if its because of all this, and it might stem from me not getting attention from my husband, but his friend recently told me he has feelings for me. Its enough that his friend and I are very similar, but he's outrageously beautiful and flirty. Nothing has happened. But I sometimes wonder if my life could have or still could be different. I wonder if I got married too young, like before my husband "developed"

I'm so confused.. I don't want to be live my parents (married 37 years, now getting divorced) to waste over half my life with someone that has no will to change or to do better for themselves or family.

Please help me. All comments or dicussion is helpful.

Thanks

[donf]

Dear Dazed,

Sounds to me as though your age was fine when you married and he was to young.

Us guys can be infuriating to women. Not always because we want to but because sometimes what ever we say will get us in trouble.

My lady and I were married when we were 18. That was almost 45 years ago.

I was pretty much as you describe your husband. My lady is the more dominant person in our marriage, but that's the way I like it. It has changed over time, but I have to say that when I am unsure about something, she is the one person I willingly turn to for advice. She is without a doubt the best person in my life. Back when we were 18, it was horrible getting used to this 5'3" person with a mind and backbone of her own. And to make matters worse, she was always correcting me when I did some bonehead thing. And even worse than that she was more often correct than not. Very troubling for a guy who is usually worried more about sex and food than anything else. Sometimes it is hard to teach us to live with someone else in our life. Not impossible but difficult.

I'm more often than not wondering around thinking about Algebra (hobby) or Computer data streams. Even electrical wiring. When she speaks to me, oftentimes I do not hear her because I am somewhere else. Even if I am right next to her.

I can remember arguments with her because I wouldn't argue with her (I'm still trying to figure that one out).

For us, we were blessed because we did not have a child for the first four years of marriage. That gave us time to grow together and get rid of the petty stuff and what you are describing is really petty stuff. It took us four years. We had known each other for about a year before we married.

You however have an extensive history prior to marriage. How did you miss the traits you dislike so much over such a long period?

As to your husband's friend, stop it now. The misery that can be generated is not worth it, let it go now.

[Kitkat22]

Did you start feeling this way after his "friend" flirted with you? Listen to me... Do Not Go There! You took the marriage vows of fidelity and I don't think you took them lightly nor did he! So he's not perfect and neither are you. He works, he's never messed around on you, he's not a wife beater! The honeymoon is over and the real world is here!

Be thankful for him. Write him a long letter and put it in his lunch box as to how you are feeling. And his " beauitful" best friend needs to knock it off. You are married and the grass may look greener, but it's not! His friend is looking for one thing and that is too "score".

[I wish]

The problem isn't about your age. The question is how developed your relationship was before getting into marriage.

The problems that you've listed about him seem to have existed even before you got married. Most of the problems seem like his personal issues, which is boiling over to you and thus affecting the marriage.

You're definitely not getting the attention that you need and deserve, so when someone else gives you attention, your eyes open. Watch out not to get sweep away by someone just because your being neglected by your husband.

You've got quite a few marriage issues to work out and you really need to get a move on it, otherwise this marriage is going to end whether you want to or not.

Marriage counselling is definitely a first step. Building a strong communication system is a minimum. You both need to lay out all your expectations of each other and come to a mutual understand. Don't leave anything hanging in the air, as it will only build frustration.

[Kitkat22]

I believe too many people today go into marriage thinking, "If it doesn't work, I can always get a divorce". That is so sad. So he doesn't bring you roses and sweep you off your feet anymore! He loves you and you should try to save this marriage.

I truly think this "friend" has a lot more to do with this than you're saying. Don't burn any bridges cause you may want to cross them again.
This is my opinion and I may be wrong!:confused:

[dazedandconfused2010]

Thank you Donf That does make me feel better. It's nice hearing a mans point of view. And that in time, my husband may turn around. That something in his head may finally 'click' That does give me hope :)

And to some of the other comments; all of our problems started way before his friend came on to me. Even when he was in our wedding only a year ago, I was not attracted to him. I think I had finally lost focus because my husband did. It is very VERY hard when you go through months and months having the same hopeless feelings.

I try very hard to gain back what we lost because I know that a marriage takes LOTS of work. My parents marriage failed. And to be honest, that scares the out of me. I don't want to be like them, much less be like all the people I hear about that cheat on their spouse. That's just not me.

At the same time, it is very hard dealing with the issue of my husband doesn't listen to me or give me attention. I am not attention crazed. He's never been the type to come in and "sweep me off my feet" to quote one of the other comments. But it is nice that when say, we watch a movie together, that he would take initiative to come sit close to me. Or that I honestly wish he would come on to me sexually more often. I feel like I have to go to him more often for these things. It's just nice to actually feel wanted, you know?

I wish he had more backbone, and maybe, hopefully, in time he may have it.

I know that it is wrong about the friend. I started not to write about him but I wanted to be honest on here so I could get honest opinions. I appreciate all that gave theirs.

I put everything that I had into our wedding day. (Had to pay for it ourselves) and it was the most wonderful day. I cried as I gave read my vows I had wrote to him. I meant every word I said. I still do. I didn't come into this thinking "if it doesn't work out, I can get a divorce" I am a Christian woman and I honestly don't believe in that, or in adultry.

I feel very bad writing this on here but it is how I feel.

Thank you to everyone. Keep the comments coming

[dazedandconfused2010]

I'm 23, my husband is 23, we have been married a year.

Me and my husband often argue over money

He works with his dad. He never gets his check on time. His dad is always a week behind and that puts us behind on everything. And every single bill we have is in my name and on my credit-so every time its late, it looks bad on me. And I'm the one that makes sure that everything gets paid. I worked very hard to get my credit up before we got married and its just going down the drain. (He has very bad credit so mine is the only good credit we have at this point)

So, when we talk about him needing to get his check, he NEVER wants to talk about it. He absolutely doesn't want to straight up talk to his dad about us being late on bills and needing his money. It's like he's afraid to? After I kept bringing it up about him needing another job, he has finally applied at a few places. I just wish he would take initiative to do things on his own. And if he doesn't get a job soon, which it will probably be AT LEAST a month before something catches on, I think he does need to talk to his dad. He certainly doesn't want me to.

So what do I do here?

[dazedandconfused2010]

We're both 23. I don't like to smoke. I've tried it but it gives me really bad headaches. Even the smell of the smoke does. But my husband started smoking about 3 years ago. He used to only smoke 1 every couple of days. And before our wedding a year ago, he promised he would quit.

Here we are a year later and he still smokes! And its gotten worse! He's up to 5 a day. And he doesn't buy cigarettes, he always bums off friends at work.

The problem is that besides the smell giving me a headache, it's a MAJOR turnoff. MAJOR. I get within 3 feet of him and I smell it. And it makes me not want to be near him.

I've begged him to quit, to ask his friends to not offer it to him so it wouldn't tempt him. I've asked him to get nicorette or anything he needed to quit. I've gotten mad about it. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him if he didn't stop. But even that doesn't make him want to quit.

I don't know what to do. I have forced myself to try to get past it but every time I kiss him I think it's disgusting. And I really try not to think that. I just can't make myself like it.

What do I do?

[motherteresa]

Well the best thing I can tell you to do is show him pictures of what can happen not only to him but to you from the smoken. I used to smoke and let me tell you I was at one pack a day. Nothing was going to get me to stop unless I was ready. But when my little boy got a book on what some of the stuff smoken can do to you... sometimes seeing it does more to you then someone just telling you. It wasn't easy for me to stop. You should first try to understand how hard it is for someone to stop. Then just do everything in your power to help. I understand how hard it is for you to try and get no where. He should also understand that the smell is maken you sick, and you just don't want to be around it. I had a lot of help from my doctor. He doesn't smoke that much so it really won't be as hard for him to stop. Once he gets past the first week, well for me the first week was a nightmare. Then each day was so much better. But really you can only do so much. He has to want to change the habit. Good luck and I really hope for not only his health but for yours he tries to stops for that alone.

[Jake2008]

Your husband's father is probably aware that his son isn't very good with money, and likely knows that it isn't him paying the bills and being responsible.

His father is being very disrespectful toward both of you; you are married now, and like anybody else, you have bills to pay, and pay on time.

Does your husband get the cheque directly from his father, or does he get it through the payroll office or someone hands the cheques out? Just wondering if it is possible that he's not aware the cheques are late.

If your husband is an 'employee', getting proper deductions, paying tax etc. then there are things he can do. If it is cash, paid out by personal cheque with no tax being deducted, then there is not much you can do to legally challenge him withholding your cheque for work done.

I agree that your husband needs to find his own independence and work for someone else. These family situations are sometimes not worth the heartache when one party holds all the power over another and you can't even get a paycheque on time.

[Kitkat22]

I think you are just like all the females in the world, we like to feel "special". There is nothing wrong with that! Tell him you both need to talk and sit down with him and explain your feelings... If you have too ,talk to his father about the financial situation, you have a right to do that.

I'm sorry about your folks, that must be rough! I hope you succeed in tis. You seem like a very nice young lady. God Bless You:)

[talaniman]

Wow, you have so many things that are making you miserable, and making you both miserable. First off, to get it out of the way, don't be distracted by the attentions of another, when you have problems at home. Deal with home first always, now that's out of the way.

Maybe you got married young, maybe not, but for sure your overwhelmed by so many things at once, and need some pressure relief. I suggest you write all your issues down, put them in order of priority, and deal with them separately.

Seems a study paycheck is the highest priority, because money problems can bust a relationship up before almost anything else. For whatever reasons your check is late, you need to know why, and have a solution for it. So getting the real facts is a must, and dealing with it may mean YOU having a talk with your father in law, Or mother in law is a start. Everything is in your name, and since the budget is your responsibility(?), deal with it in a straight forward business way.

You already see that you can't just get anything from demanding things from him, as I suspect he is as overwhelmed as you are, so back up, and change your approach to things, especially in the area of his smoking. Filthy habit as it is you can demand he quit, but that's up to him, and if he doesn't, simply talking could at least set boundaries, and he can wash his hands, or spray himself, and have a designated smoke area for him. Making someone change, even when there is good reason, generally leads to resistance, and push back, and be real, with all the misery going on in your house, how is that even a good atmosphere for romantic attention, or even light communications.

Okay you both need to find that happy medium that produces good results, and the feelings of some accomplishments that make you both happy, so you have to work together to define the boundaries of good behavior, so you can agree to disagree, without punishing each other.

That's what I see, two youngsters trying to deal with problems we all learn how to handle eventually, but it takes time, and a lot of patience with each other, as you struggle to put it together.

I know everything looks huge now, but as issues are positively addressed, it will get better, so know this, and relax, and see that you approach things in a way that's not attacking, or condescending, as you're still learning each others adult ways, and how to react to them.

Just imagine the crap he is going through, just as you want him to understand what YOU have to deal with. Your both learning, and will for a while. Just never quit on each other.

You really do have to go out of your way to be good to each other, no matter what life throws at you, and that has to be learned by you both, so show him how.