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1fish2fish · Mar 10, 2010, 10:33 AM

My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years we have 2 boys 3 and 6mths, My husband cheated, I left for 4 months when he asked me to come back I did. He said he had talked to someone about his problems and was ready to prove to me he was sorry. I went back and things were great for awhile... I got preganant with my 2nd son and was really sick. He started to act weird and I asked him about it he said everything was fine I had nothing to worry about. At 5 months preganant he told me he wanted me and the kids out. He said a lot of really hurtful mean things. At this point we were 4 weeks away from moving. I moved with him then he got deployed said he wanted me gone before he got back. During the deployment he called twice a day he had decided that he wantd to work things out. He is home now and I feel like he does just enough to keep me around or when he can tell that I am frustrated from workig full time and taking care of the house and kids he will help a little. I want to say it is not good enough I am trying so hard but I don't know if I can do this. I think he has hurt me too much. I am so scared to wake up and see he has hurt me again. I know I am not perfect and I have faults too. Part of me wants to just leave for awhile and live seprate, the other part says what if I leave then it is to late. I love him with all of my heart I just can't stand the wondering , who is he with who is he texting is there someone else again. Part of me is just so scared to be alone, I just lost my dad in Nov and I feel like my whole life is sprialing out of control. I don't know what to do if I'm coming or going. I am up for any advice. Thank you in advance for your help!

Blue Angel · Mar 10, 2010, 11:03 AM

Once someone has betrayed your trust it's hard to get that back. You sound like you're miserable with him, maybe the best thing for you would be to end the relationship. You can't live a happy life with someone if you're always worried that they are going to cheat on you or kick you out. It's not always best for the kids either to be subjected to an unhappy marriage. People think childredn don't understand anything but kids are very observant and can tell when the household is unhappy. Sometimes it's better for the kids to have two happy separated parents than one miserable household. If you want to try and make it work I would suggest that you both do individual and couples therapy. It helps to have someone outside the marriage field the underlying issues that are causing the problems. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.

Devorameira · Mar 10, 2010, 12:12 PM

Anything is possible but the odds on this one aren’t good. This man has cheated and even ran you and your children off. That's awful!

Sounds like you've done your part in trying to work things out, but you don’t say much about what he is doing voluntarily on his own to both reassure you and deal with the behaviors that makes him a bad husband.

Unless he puts in some major effort, you may as well end this marriage. You won’t be able to tolerate being a detective all your life. He won’t be able to handle always feeling like you are checking up on him. It’s a bad, bad dynamic.

LearningAsIGo · Mar 10, 2010, 01:21 PM

It sounds like he's too selfish to be a proper husband, maybe even father. You sound miserable, but only you can decide whether to leave him or not.

Think of your future with your children. Will you all be happier and better off with him or without him.

Life is a struggle either way and you deserve a partner that's willing to be true to you and your family through thick and thin.

talaniman · Mar 13, 2010, 09:29 PM

Go get help for you, and your kids, and let him deal with his demons. The service has some excellent counselors to help you.

Jake2008 · Mar 14, 2010, 08:37 AM

I wouldn't be so quick to bail.

I don't get the impression that either one of you have the tools to address the issues going on. Bailing is too easy, and a decision you may regret.

Instead of worrying about whether he's cheating, or texting, or what his mood is going to be the next day, put that energy into marriage counselling. Maybe there are things about him that you are not aware of that may be contributing to his lack of commitment in the marriage (as you see it), and he may not be able to get past the fact that you don't trust him, so why bother trying.

Without resolve to major problems, history has a way of repeating itself. Going around in circles, guessing at what the other one really means, or why they act as they do, then followed by a period of calm, then things flair up again.

Time to stop the guessing on both parts, and get to a counsellor to help understand why this is happening, and how to deal with it.

We are not born with an instruction book on how to make a marriage work, and we certainly don't have the chapter on steps to follow to repair problems.

If in the end, things are not going to work, at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried your best, if even for the sake of your children, to save the marriage. Otherwise, you'll always wonder if there wasn't something you could have done, and could it possibly have worked out.