[rzpharma]

My boyfriend is poor, I'm not rich nor poor, he expects me to pay for everything.. sometimes at dinner he orders a long list and I know I'm going to have to pay for it.. is it about being poor? Or is he cheap?

[friend4u178]

Have you talked to him about this??

If all we have to go on is what you say above , YES he sounds cheap to me.

[amicon]

Can you come back with some more information about your relationship,please?

The way you write it,he comes across as a user,and a waste of space.

[Enigma1999]

Hello Rz,

First off, how old are you two?

He sounds a little cheap to me... But that's just me.

Does he have a job? Who initiates going out to dinner? Does he contribute to the relationship in any way?

Amicon is correct, we need a little more information to better understand your situation... Because based off the little bit of info you provided, I would say he is being cheap!

[Larken85]

Sounds like he is poor and needs a job. If he doesn't have a job that is. If he does then is he paying for the relationship at all? I don't mean to sound idiotic but relationships cost money, that's all there is to it. If he pays for literally nothing then there is a serious problem. And honestly what's the point? You aren't ever going to be happy paying for everything and you need to be looking at all dating like it is courting for marriage. If you cannot marry this guy the way he is he will either have to change or get out. That's all there really is to it. I mean he may be fun and that's why you're dating him but like I said, if he doesn't change the relationship will go no where fast anyway so what's the point?

[I wish]

If he can't even afford to pay for dinner now, how can you expect to have a long term and serious relationship with him?

If you can't wait for him to sort out his finances, then why force yourself to stick around?

[CarrotTalker]

I also wanted to add that it is a big red flag if he "orders a long list" of food items when you two know you will be paying.

That sounds pretty disrespectful and unappreciative of your money.

[kp2171]

Its one thing to be down on your luck, out of work, strapped for cash. It happens. Been there myself. One job search took literally months. I had money and credit reserves, but it was tight and it wasn't fun or pretty. Struggled to pay basic bills at one point. Been there.

But... there's a lot of detail you've left out and that others have said we need to understand your specific situation.

Clearly, you are frustrated and irritated. You say he "expects" you to pay. That's a problem. You say he spends your money without thinking about the hardship on you. That's a problem. He can be down on his luck or strapped for cash... but that's not a free pass to be inconsiderate or to use you to get his fix.

This problem is both yours and his. We don't know the details on his side. On your side, you need to be willing to set boundaries and to control your finances. If you are willing to go out, knowing he won't pay and knowing his tendency to order too much, its time for you to stop it. Refuse to go out. Or set a limit on what you spend. If this isn't doesn't fly with him... well... then he has issues that he's more than willing to push onto anyone else...

If he isn't willing to talk to you about a budget and about what you need from him... then... you are just burning up time with this guy.

And that can be OK.

We don't need every boyfriend or girlfriend to be The One... its fine to date a "good guy" who doesn't click with you on all cylinders... one of my best relationships had some fundamental areas where we didn't have lasting overlap... but we weren't looking for a mate for life. We were looking to have fun, and we certainly did. At some point the non-overlapping areas became important enough to need to step back.

So... feel free to date mr nice-maybe-but-inconsiderate-about-money if it makes you happy. Happy-ish? But at some point, if his rude behavior or his situation puts too much pressure on you... well... if you choose to stay, you don't get to stay and complain. At some point you own the decision to stay or leave.

So... what's his situation? Student? Debt issues? No work? Bad past? Has something changed since you were dating? What's the picture we don't know?

[talaniman]

Its about being rude and insensitive, why do you take him out in such a way, when it busts your budget? You still have to live within your means whether he is poor or not, don't you?

[rzpharma]

I actually love him so much.. and yes I have left out too many details..
We're both 24, we're still college students. We both have no jobs except some money that the school gives us as partial scholarships. We will graduate this June. He already proposed and we're trying to get married by the end of this year when we both graduate and have jobs. His father died 10 years ago.. and he's responsible for his family. He did pay for some dates before, sometimes we shared the paycheck, but I do most of the paying. It just feels awkward when he sometimes doesn't offer to pay his share. It's confusing to me.. I cannot figure out if he's cheap or just out of cash most of the time..

[rzpharma]

That's me RZpharma

[CarrotTalker]

It just feels awkward when he sometimes doesn't offer to pay his share. It's confusing to me.. I cannot figure out if he's cheap or just out of cash most of the time..

Ask him in a nice thought out manner about if he is simply out of cash during those situations.

It sounds like this is really bothering you.

[artlady]

I actually love him so much.. and yes i have left out too many details..
we're both 24, we're still college students. We both have no jobs except some money that the school gives us as partial scholarships. We will graduate this June. He already proposed and we're trying to get married by the end of this year when we both graduate and have jobs. His father died 10 years ago.. and he's responsible for his family. He did pay for some dates before, sometimes we shared the paycheck, but I do most of the paying. It just feels awkward when he sometimes doesn't offer to pay his share. It's confusing to me.. I cannot figure out if he's cheap or just out of cash most of the time..

If you are talking marriage in the future ,you need to set some ground rules now as to how your funds are either shared or not.

I would be very up front and explain your feelings and your concern that he is not doing his share.

If you can't afford to eat out ,find another option that doesn't break the bank and find a compromise that is fair to both of you.

It sounds as if you need to be more open and forthright with your communication.

It is key to a healthy relationship!

[kp2171]

well... those details give a clearer picture... he's young, college poor, and has family responsibilities... in the end, he is still spending your money and doing it without much consideration... then again, you really haven't pressed him on this, it seems...

its fine to love him. But you must be on the same page financially for it to last. Period. Few relationships can survive when a couple isn't actively working together with a similar financial vision... sure, it can happen, but its messy... its costly... and energy thrown into chaotic behavior and the stressful aftermath.

get this worked out NOW. Love is what you feel when you are with him.

insecurity is what you feel when you both neglect finances... and you both are neglecting to care for finances... he is spending money he doesn't have and you are spending money you shouldn't be spending.

you both need to agree on a budget.

something I wished I'd done years before I did was I opened two bank accounts. One was for fixed expenses and the other was for variable expenses. The fixed expenses were for bills that must always be paid... mortgage, student loans, energy, water, phone, etc... sure, the water bill or the energy bill might change depending on the season... but I could still approximate how much I needed to accrue into that account so it would always be paid.

in the variable expenses account were things like food, entertainment, clothing, household supplies. Now... obviously we still needed structure here... for ex, we tried to agree on how much to spend on food every week. How much we'd put aside for clothing or gifts or whatever...

the short "moral" of it all is I tracked as much money as I could out of the variable account... made sure that bills that would affect my housing and credit scores were always paid. Never "dipped" into this account to steal money for the other one.

and the smaller variable expenses account... well, if by the time food was bought and home supplies were bought, etc... if there wasn't much left over for dining out, then fine. No dining out that paycheck.

it took a lot of work on the front side... setting up the budget... revising it... changing it... probably took a year to really have a set budget that was doable. But once it was in place, it made a world of difference. No more fretting about where will the cash come from to pay rent or loans or whatever we KNEW would be coming in the mail.

and that meant less stress and it made it a lot easier to say "ok we have this much money available in the next two weeks for entertainment... what should we do with it?"

[I wish]

If you can't cover his share, why do you go out to eat then? Don't do something that you can't afford.

If you really loved each other, then both of you should spend the time focusing on school and getting a job. Once you've both stabilized your finances, then you can go out to eat and enjoy the money that you've earned.

Until then, stick to non money related activities to build your relationship.

[Lucky098]

My boyfriend has a really awesome job making about $50G a year. I, literally, live pay check to pay check. Yes, my boyfriend pays for a lot of stuff that we do. And yes, he'll let me know how he feels. He'll straight up tell me that all he does is pay for us. He understands I have no money... And he helps me out a lot. I try and pay for small things, like McDonald's or the Chilie's special. Sometimes when we go out, He'll pick up the bigger ticket and I'll pay for the cheaper part of our date.

Sounds like you two need to find a happy medium. You need to tell him that you can't afford to pay for the both of you every time. Tell him... Don't hide it. If you never talk to him about it, how is he suppose to know that it bothers you? Maybe he assumes that "your money" is "our money". If he feels that comfortable with you and you don't say a word about what bothers you, then how is the issue going to be solved? If he is extremely broke, tell him you understand. Tell him that you would appreciate SOMETHING coming your way from him.. Even if it is the brown bag special from Sonic.

I use to feel really bad that my boyfriend is always paying for us to go out to dinner and to movies and taking off for the weekends.. And all I could afford was fast food and a $1 rental movie.. But you know what, its better then nothing. Its showing my boyfriend that I do care about our relationship and I am trying.

Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way I did. My friend actually told me that it shouldn't matter the price, but the feelings behind it. I never paid for anything because I felt inferior to what I could afford vs. what he could afford. That was a year ago that I felt that way. Now he and I have wonderful times together. I'll take him out to eat, even if it is McDonald's. We'll alternate who buys the movie. We take my car instead of his truck so that we can share the gas bill...

You really need to tell your boyfriend how you feel. Otherwise, it'll never be fixed.

[kp2171]

I use to feel really bad that my boyfriend is always paying for us to go out to dinner and to movies and taking off for the weekends.. And all I could afford was fast food and a $1 rental movie.. But you know what, its better then nothing. Its showing my boyfriend that I do care about our relationship and I am trying.

And remember it goes both ways... HE doesn't get to complain about always paying for nights out when he knows you are strapped and he knows in advance he will have to pay for it. If he chooses to spend his money in this way, and he chooses to be with you, knowing you are still getting established, he doesn't get to lord it over you... and it seems like you (Lucky098) both have found some middle ground without it being a passive aggressive battle...

[talaniman]

Honest communications is a MUST for resolving issues.

[hungtoronto]

I actually love him so much.. and yes i have left out too many details..
we're both 24, we're still college students. We both have no jobs except some money that the school gives us as partial scholarships. We will graduate this June. He already proposed and we're trying to get married by the end of this year when we both graduate and have jobs. His father died 10 years ago.. and he's responsible for his family. He did pay for some dates before, sometimes we shared the paycheck, but I do most of the paying. It just feels awkward when he sometimes doesn't offer to pay his share. It's confusing to me.. I cannot figure out if he's cheap or just out of cash most of the time..

If you don't feel comfortable taling about it. Next time if you feel unconfortable paying just bring enough money for your meal. Tell him in advance that you only have this much money see how he reacts. If he is willing to pay for it then that's great.

[hheath541]

If you can't talk to him now about money, what do you think is going to happen when you're trying to manage a household, raise kids, and pay back TWO sets of student loans? Most relationships that end, do so over money matters.

You need to get it worked out now, before it ends up costing money to get out of the relationship.