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lostinaustin · Mar 6, 2010, 12:00 PM

First her background, because I think it's important. We're both 30. She was with a guy for 2 years and she believed they would get married. He left suddenly and without much explanation. We met 3 months later and started dating soon after.

We dated for 4 months the first time around. Things were going great, but we just moved way too quickly. She had taken me on a getaway for my birthday. I had planned a trip to Europe for us over new years. She broke up with me in December after dating 4 months. She said that I was the most amazing person and perfect boyfriend that anyone could ask for. But she felt that something was missing.

So I did NC, I started dating other people, and low and behold, we got back together. Again, things were great for about a month. Her parents loooove me. We have a great time when we're hanging out. But I think we may chat too much online, see each other too much, etc. I think we just naturally have a tendency for some reason to worry about the future and what everything means in a grand context. We booked another trip, which we were super excited about (her idea)... Then 4 days later she again drops the hammer on me and says she feels like 'something is missing', a spark isn't there for her. This is 4 days after telling me 'I really really like you", sending me hearts and xo's etc. Well, the truth is I know she does -sometimes- feel the spark she's talking about. She mentioned that she fears getting a divorce one day.

I honestly think the root cause of this is her previous relationship and that she's constantly worrying that 'something is missing' because she's deeply afraid of being hurt again. But she says I'm the perfect boyfriend, physically, emotionally, etc. I'm by no means desperate, I have a lot going for me and beautiful women waiting in the wings for this relationship to not work. But I don't want to give up on her. I do love her and one day I want to marry her.

She's naturally a worrier. And she listens very keenly to what her friends tell her. I fear they're going to tell her to end it if she has these 'feelings'. But what I think her friends and others don't understand is the root of these fears that 'something is missing' have to do with her not wanting to feel vulnerable. Because the pattern has been, now twice, when we get too close too fast she pulls away.

So what should I do?

neverme · Mar 6, 2010, 12:43 PM

So you are waiting to be dumped again?

This girl needs to deal with her feelings. You can't speed up that process and no matter HOW much she wants to be over these issues she's not.

Keeping women 'in the wings' may be a contributory reason for her unease! It would be for me. Because whether she actively knows it or not her intuition is telling her your not fully committed. And please don't tell me that you are, if you have others as 'back ups' your not.

My advice would be to stay friends if you can but to stop the romance. No matter how great you are on paper, she feels something is missing. And if it is, there is nothing either of you can do to 'fix' this.

lostinaustin · Mar 6, 2010, 01:03 PM

No, I am 100% completely committed to this woman. I want her to be the mother of my children, and I am not a cheater- she knows that. I only mentioned that there are other women who do want to be with me because I want to say that I'm not just desperate to be dating someone... It's her in particular. And it's her and only her that I want.

neverme · Mar 6, 2010, 01:06 PM

Then tell her that, communication is key in a relationship.

If you really feel this intense about this then you need to put your neck on the line, you may get hurt but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

lostinaustin · Mar 6, 2010, 01:15 PM

The problem is that by expressing my love I think I scare her away. And she starts to wonder why I'm so far along and she's not there yet.. or so she says.

talaniman · Mar 6, 2010, 01:15 PM

Dude, she was in a long term relationship that failed and now you want her to have your babies. Slowdown fella, and do the have fun dating and get to know each other without such unrealistic expectations thing. What's your hurry? Can't you see she just doesn't want to be tied down by you whatsoever, for whatever reason.

No wonder something is missing, she doesn't have the same feelings as you and I think you back off and do your thing without her, and see what happens later.

You have other options, so use them, and leave her be.

lostinaustin · Mar 6, 2010, 01:28 PM

I've mentioned to her that we should go back to casually dating each other and not be so concerned about the future and what everything means. She liked that idea. I told her that if she wants to date other people while we cool off, that's fine and I will too. She said she'd have to think about that because while she does think that something is missing for us ('the spark') she doesn't "want some other woman coming along and snatching (me) up."

Devorameira · Mar 6, 2010, 01:38 PM

It’s hard to imagine what she is thinking. It could be that she is still in love with the ex and harbors a hope that they will someday get back together OR she may be afraid to commit because of the terrible experience she had when he broke up with her OR she just may truly feel that something is missing.

It sounds like you have fallen head over hills in love with this girl. Perhaps your love was too much too early on and crowded her. Maybe you needed to keep your heavy duty feelings to yourself.

Just impossible to say what she's thinking. Whatever the reason, the advice is the same. She broke up with you and you’ve got to accept the fact that it’s over and move on. The best thing you can do is to go the NC mode and stick to it.

Gemini54 · Mar 6, 2010, 09:12 PM

Rebound relationships are often difficult. Particularly if you're the person that meets the person on the rebound. As you previously said, it was too much too soon in your relationship with her.

I'd suggest she hasn't had time to process the 2 year relationship and the fact that she was dumped. I'd imagine she has a lot of feelings and emotions related to this which haven't had a chance to really surface.

Something IS missing. You want it too much and she doesn't want it enough. Although you're committed and want her to be the 'one' - she's just not on the same page. You want to marry her, but she's freaked out - doesn't that tell you something?

She's also scared of being alone, that's why she rebounded so quickly and why she doesn't like the thought of you dating someone else.

I'd suggest you back off and date other women. She can't have her cake and eat it too! Don't be as available and stop with the intensity.

You don't have to a slave to her whims. Live your life and make certain it's full without her. Let her sort herself out without you - she NEEDS to - only then can you both decide if this is the relationship you both want, and if it's going to have a future.

jmjoseph · Mar 6, 2010, 09:40 PM

So her and her "cabinet" think that something is missing? Well, it's always going to be that way. Don't think that things are magically going to "be found". If she is "naturally a worrier", and listens to her friends for everything, you will always be rowing a boat with a piece of rope, upstream. And when you do finally reach land, there will be an eggshell path.

Something WOULD be "missing", ME.

Sorry for being so blunt. But I dated a worrier. Who had advisers. They ruined my life for a whole year. I was accused of everything except being a gentleman. Not worth the gray hair.

Good luck.

lostinaustin · Mar 7, 2010, 10:31 AM

Thanks everyone for your answers and perspectives, I'm soaking it all in and I appreciate the diverse opinions.

The more I think about it, the more I think she has kind of an emotional kill switch that when we start getting too close and start talking about the future, that kill switch is triggered and causes whatever spark she does feel to be snuffed out. I think she is subconciously unable to let herself love me because she doesn't want to feel vulnerable again.

talaniman · Mar 7, 2010, 11:13 AM

Maybe your right, but maybe she just doesn't want what you want.

Obviously her feelings don't match yours, and that's what counts. Not the reasons behind them.

Devorameira · Mar 7, 2010, 02:26 PM

You may be right in thinking that she has an emotional kill switch, but as I said before... it doesn't matter because she broke up with you. Treat it as a complete break and move on. Remember NC!

amicon · Mar 7, 2010, 03:47 PM

I agree-NC and try not to overthink her feelings,only she knows what she thinks and how she feels.

vanheart · Mar 7, 2010, 06:21 PM

Yeah, let her figure out her things. And you yours. Apart.

She doesn't need a cabinet. She already knows. That's just reinforcement.
Why? That's girls.

Doesn't sound like you really want the lets date casually & other people thing. You're just grasping & hoping to say what you thinks she wants.

But she told you, right? She wants her cake but not sure if she wants you. Not a good deal.

Honestly, she wants to be single, but has no courage to tell you, cause of hurt & doesn't mind having you around, just in case.

Go NC, man. Asap.

The funny thing, she has already made the second mistake with you, the one she didn't want to.

Rebound. It takes two.

Let her keep searching.

You both need to step back & take a breather.

lostinaustin · Mar 8, 2010, 01:25 PM

I appreciate your answers. She gets back into town today from her girls vacation and her friends probably told her to be single for a while and date other people. I'm just guessing.

I think she'll probably want to have a sit down talk and I'm thinking of just telling her straight up that I love her but will respect her decision to walk away from this. I really do think that she loves me but that her aversion to being vulnerable after being burned in her past makes her unable to allow herself to feel love. I will tell her that as well. Maybe that will help, maybe it won't but at the end of the day I have to know that I put it all out there for her and if she takes it, she takes it... If she runs away, she runs away.

vanheart · Mar 8, 2010, 08:00 PM

If that's what you already believe, then just walk.
You are using your gut, good.

What are you going to tell her the reasons she's moving on?

And endure another talk.

She's been running away for a while. Let her get over this being burned & her vulnerability. What? She trusts up to certain point? C'mon.

Maybe this is a very nice excuse. Regardless, you already know.
You can't force someone, either they're in or out.

She isn't in.

That's why rebounds are a bad first step.

wrenchoman · Nov 22, 2010, 01:01 AM

Wow, this hits very close to home. She isn't a Virgo, is she? I'm in the same boat, except my girlfriend has been divorced for several years. Our relationship developed super fast. 2 months after dating, we went on 4 months of mini-vacations - NYC, Vancouver, Santa Barbara, Pismo Beach, San Diego, LA, etc. All of a sudden, she says that "something's missing". I think that it was the fact that we were talking marriage after 2 months, and the familiarity made us too comfortable, too soon.

Anyway, I'm trying to lay low and give her space, only contacting her periodically, trying not to be the "needy" guy. How did your story end up? BTW, both of us admit that this was the best relationship of our lives. No problem in the communication, spiritual, or physical sides. She doesn't even know what's "missing", but she feels some kind of intuition. She's 34, I'm 48.