[squestion]

HI, I am a 20 year old girl and I am in a relationship of 3 years with a guy who is 20 years older than me. In the first year of our relationship I was really attracted to him, but now because of the stress that he is facing at work, he started losing hair, he has more grey hair than before, he has more wrinkles etc. Even when we make love I don`t feel in the mood and I wish I slept or anything else but sex and it is sad because I love him for what he is inside,we have the same tastes, the same way of thinking, but I can`t get over his physical appearance. He is also my first man, the only one I had sex with but during the last year I caught myself thinking that he is unattractive and that I don`t want to have sex with him no more. I do make love with him just for his sake, but I find sex boring now and sometimes I don`t want to kiss him, or hug him and I often reproach him that he is to sweet with me, that I wish he were more though, just to avoid cuddling with him. I don`t know what is wrong with me, I enjoy his company, travelling with him, talking to him, but I don`t want to kiss, maybe I reached a point where I am sick of cuddling and making out and I just want a partner, I don`t know... If anyone has been through a similar situation, can you give me any advice please ?

[Fr_Chuck]

Then you don't truly love him, since love does not depend on looks. Remember in 20 years you may put on weight, have graying hair and more.

You don't care as much for the inside as you say, since the outside would make no difference.

You need to decide if you wish to be shallow on looks, and move on, and then hope your next boyfriend does not find you the same in a few years. Of perhaps remember what you saw in him at first

[Romefalls19]

Some relationships aren't built to last and this seems like one of them. I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way, feelings change and that's a fact. Perhaps this relationship has just run its course

[neverme]

Yup some relationships have an expiry date, in fact most of them, unless you get married and live happily ever after.

There is no shame in a relationship burning out. It happens. There is shame, however, in staying in a relationship you are not invested in. I think he has become more of a companion to you than anything else, and it's time to own up and move on.

[talaniman]

You are hardly the first person to wake up, and see the one you loved so intensely, has lost some of the allure, that they first had. Its normal, and happens when your feelings have cooled down, and are not so intense any more. Reality is setting in, and either you accept your partner for what he is, or you leave, and start over somewhere else. That's not love really, you just thought it was, but since he was the first, you had no way of knowing what you wanted for yourself. Do you now?

[squestion]

You are hardly the first person to wake up, and see the one you loved so intensely, has lost some of the allure, that they first had. Its normal, and happens when your feelings have cooled down, and are not so intense any more. Reality is setting in, and either you accept your partner for what he is, or you leave, and start over somewhere else. Thats not love really, you just thought it was, but since he was the first, you had no way of knowing what you wanted for yourself. Do you now?

Well... I don`t know if I know what I want for myself... people change and I think that until I reach 30, I will change every year and maybe after that too. The problem is that sometimes I feel that I love him so much that I would jump on him, I just look at him and all these feelings rush into my mind and my heart, but sometimes I feel that I am not attracted to him. And I get along so well with him that it makes me mad to think that I could have such feelings towards him knowing how much he loves me. And I can understand why he is so attracted to me, I`m not a goddess, but I am beautiful and of course he wants me, but I can no longer be that aroused by his looks because they have started to fade away... I wish looks didn`t matter that much to me, but sometimes I feel ashamed to go with him somewhere where people know me because I know that they will juge me ( especially my university fellows) that I am dating someone older and it is hard to go to school everyday and see their judgemental looks and words. I am just so confused... it would have been better if I either loved him as a whole, or if I didn`t love him at all so that I could make a decision. Thank you for your advice and specially because you didn`t judge me because of the age difference ; in my country people are sooo judgemental and the only thing that they know to do is to harm the others, to ruin their lives with harsh words.

[amicon]

I think that sooner rather then later you're going to have to make a decision.

Whatever you decide,good luck.

[Devorameira]

You got involved at 17 (still a child) with a man old enough to be your father. Of course he's going to age quicker than you - he's 20 years your senior.

In a truly healthy loving relationship we overlook imperfections and find the inside of a man to be far more attractive than the outside. Since you can't seem to do that, and find it to be a chore to have sex with him, I think it's time to move on.

[mistyjane]

You talk about what others think.I spent almost 2 years with my ex who was 13 years older than me and never thought of what others were thinking about it.When we were in public I was proud to stand next to him and I was feeling like the lucky one.He was also losing hair but what?
It can happen to the best of us.
From what I read you just don't love him deeply it is just superficial maybe you like the fact that he takes care of you ( money and things like that)
You should leave him alone because you talk about him like he's disgusting... not judging just stating facts.
Let him find a woman who doesn't feel ashamed to be with him.

[squestion]

You talk about what others think.I spent almost 2 years with my ex who was 13 years older than me and never thought of what others were thinking about it.When we were in public i was proud to stand next to him and i was feeling like the lucky one.He was also losing hair but what?
It can happen to the best of us.
From what i read you just don't love him deeply it is just superficial maybe you like the fact that he takes care of you ( money and things like that)
You should leave him alone because you talk about him like he's disgusting...not judging just stating facts.
Let him find a woman who doesn't feel ashamed to be with him.

I like that he takes care of me meaning that he always thinks about me, that he puts my needs before his, that he is always concerned about my problems; and for the money part... I know that many think that younger women are in a relationship with older men because they have money.. well... my boyfriend earns less than 300 euros per month, so believe me he is not rich, sometimes we laugh because I have more money than him ( I am a student and I have a scholarship ). I know I am superficial from what I`ve posted, maybe I am a bad person... But your answers were very honest and pertinent and I thank you for that... I guess I`ll have to wait to see what will the future bring me

[talaniman]

I think the chances are you will outgrow him soon and want to do your thing, and see what this big world is about. Then you will make your decision.

He came along at a good time, but I don't think you see yourself with him forever.

[Devorameira]

It's definitely time to move on. I'm sure there are things about him that you do love, but if he is a "turn-off" because of the natural aging process, you need to set him free and let him find someone who doesn't mind the gray thinning hair, etc.

[vanheart]

Be honest with yourself & him.

While you are being critical, be critical of yourself & what it is you want.