[dynocompe]

No No No, just stay away from him, ignore him, retalitating just makes things worse. And your woman could really hate you for it as well.
If you have to, and he continually harasses, just call the police, let them do there job.
Throwing fists with the guy, or whatever object you find, is not going to make the guy go away, but will make him want to retaliate even more and he could do something serious to hurt you, or your new family.

[Larken85]

Oh yeah, I have a family to worry about. I got to start thinking about that. You're right, the police can handle it much more appropriately than me. And she doesn't want me to fight the guy either, you're right dynocompe, again.

[Kia]

I would like to get some advice on this please. Is it possible for a couple to live together for 2 years and then live apart without breaking up? Is it too awkward, or difficult to make it work, or can a couple work through it. Thanks!

[AmericanGirl01]

Of course you can make it work. What are the reasons for wanting to live apart?

[Kia]

We have issues,and I miss having my own space and making my own to schedule for doing things. We live together but he pays the rent and most of the bills. I am looking for a place near where we are living now. That is why I am asking if its possible want to live in my own space after 2 years and keep the relationship; and what it looks like to the other person...

[AmericanGirl01]

If he truly cares about you and wants you to be happy then he should completely understand. Perhaps you’re just at a stage in your life where you need your own space, this doesn’t mean that you love him any less. If you can effectively communicate that to him then I don’t see a problem.

You shouldn’t be afraid to bring up issues in a relationship, especially one as large as this. Communication is key. Feeling the way you do now, if you continue to live with him for the sole reason that you’re too afraid of what he may think, then this could very much ruin your relationship.

Talk to him and explain where you’re at. He should respect how you feel.

[talaniman]

I don't know Kia, it would seem that this is where you both have to sit down and re evaluate things and work things out, but I have to warn you that it sounds like a break up already to me and can you afford living on your own? Do you expect his help, and support financially? If you want to keep this relationship, you have to be willing to work together through honest communications, to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

So I guess its talking, and listening, and see what happens.

[I wish]

I would like to get some advice on this please. Is it possible for a couple to live together for 2 years and then live apart without breaking up? Is it too awkward, or difficult to make it work, or can a couple work through it. Thanks!

The answer: "It depends"

Everyone is different and you won't know until you try.

[Romefalls19]

That's usually a sign of things to come, if you can't continue to live together, then how are you going to do it later in life? Could you really marry and live apart? Just a few more things to think about

[Kia]

Threads merged again.

It seems that I have gotten myself into a very difficult situation which is draining me emotionally, and feeling nervous at the same time. If anyone has read my past posts, you would see that I have been in love with a guy for the past 7-8 years, and he never wanted to be with me in a relationship. So I forced myself to move on to my boyfriend now, whom I moved in with( he paid the rentand most expenses for almost 2 years) and we were rocky probably to about a few months ago. Through all of the things we have been through and come out of, and the fact that he has stuck in there with me and still wants to marry me makes me love him more. I have stuck in with him as well.

We have been together now for 2 years and I love him so much more now, and we understand each other. Now, the other guy had a girlfriend during our first year together , but eventually broke up with her, and we continued talking. He asked me to be in a relationship and I flip flopped about it. Again, me and my boyfriend were VERY rocky and on and off so I shared with this other guy some of the problems I was going through with him out of frustration...

So now in a nutshell, after a big incident this weekend with my boyfriend and him really revelaing to me his feelings, I decided to commit to being a better girlfriend because I do love him and do not want to see him hurt.

So I told the other guy; he went ballistic and accused me of stringing him along for the past 6 months, and threatened to call my boyfriend and tell him everything if I did not break up with him. He then revealed to me that he loves me. I couldn't believe it,mainly because I have been waiting for YEARS to hear him say it.

So now, Im emotionally stuck. I do love my boyfriend, I still love my ex( and there is more physical attraction), my boyfriend wants to get married, I don't want to hurt him again, but I also like the other guy and am afraid that he will confront my boyfriend if I don't break up with him; which I believe my boyfriend will break up with me if he finds out that my ex is the guy I have been seeing(I I did tell him thre was a guy, but I didn't specify who it was because I already know that my boyfriend hates him).

The other part is that my boyfriend is into retaliation, and threatens to pull the plug on some finacial/employment opportunities that he has helped me get which have allowed me to become independent again after a about of not being able to afford my own place. I am also on his car insurance which keeps me paying almost $200 lower than what my insurance can be.

The other guy makes me feel alive and is fun, smart, financially well off, and we have undeniable chemistry; but I have never been in an agreed relationship with him. My boyfriend is more the stable, responsible, workaholic type, but he loves me and I love him for these qualities as well.

I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to really leave the other one, and I don't want him confronting my boyfriend and making him brkup with me and devastating him emotionally; which would make him retaliate against me in ways I am admittedly kind of nervous about.

Some advice please!

I just don't know...

[Synnen]

You're not going to like my advice, but here goes anyway:

1. Get yourself financially independent. NO ONE should be forced to stay in a relationship because of money.

2. Break up with both of them, and figure out who the heck YOU are. You don't love either of them enough to choose--what makes you think you love either of them enough to spend the rest of your life with him? Go be single. Live in your own place. See who you want to see, when you want to see them--but do not commit to ANYONE.

[Kia]

Well I am financially independent... now. But; my boyfriend was the one who got me the job, and he knows a few "recreational activities" that could make me lose my job, if my employer tries to test me. He threatened to tell them if he feels that I am "playing" him. So that is what I mean. This is not only a personal issue, but a financial one as well.

If the other guy goes to him, I am afraid of what my boyfriend will do in regards to me and my job. I just moved on my own a little over a month ago. This is why I am so concerned about this situation, and am trying to find a way to keep both happy until I figure out what to do.

If both weren't so into retaliation for feeling "played", this would make it easier. I can't seem to get across that I am not trying to play, I just have been confused as well. Both are good guys, but a little on the crazy side as well, and I didn't know the extent until recently...

[Synnen]

If he knows recreational activities about you--don't you have the same on him?

You could also go to HR before you break it off with him and let them know that he has threatened to make things difficult at work if you break things off with him, and you wanted to be pre-emptive on ensuring your job is secure.

Better get completely clean, THEN make some decisions.

Out of curiosity, though--why would you want to be with someone who is blackmailing you?

[Kia]

I know what u are saying... but its hard because I know the threat wasn't malicious, he was just really hurt, and I know because I have felt that way, and wanted to mess up a person's life for hurting me. I am just saying that I knew how he was feeling. As far as the recreational activities, he never liked me doing it, but he said I would have to stop by the end of the month because he wants to marry me. He doesn't do it himself.

This is all so new to me because I have always been on the opposite end, that is why I guess I am more empathetic towards both people's feelings. I have been hurt many times myself as well, and that's why this situation is so hard

[talaniman]

So its okay to use people for your benefit and not be loyal to either, so your still dependent on them both to continue this charade that you think is normal.

You are playing both of these manipulative fools, and they are playing you.

It's the very old story of using, and being used, and the ONLY healthy solution is to be without both, and stop avoiding the consequences of your actions. You will only get mired deeper in this BS, if you continue on your present course of deceit, and avoidance.

[Kia]

Well, just to update:

The guy I thought I had feelings for came down over the weekend and confronted my boyfriend. He showed him everything that we did, text messages and phone conversations. He called all of his friends and told them the things he did to me, said I was a whore, and not fit to be with. He really hurt me...

Then yesterday he called to apologize and told me he did it because he loved me and he always had( after 8+years of turning me down), and he did it so my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me anymore. He said he did all of it out of emotion, because he felt rejected . He said that he knows that I love him, and he loves me. I just couldn't believe what he did because he always would assure me that I could feel comfortable with him, and he wouldn't judge me or talk about the things we did together; and he was my best friend.

Anyway, I told him that if he cared about me he should leave me alone, and call and apologize to my bf( who I am currently really going through this painful situation with), which he did. He said he would stay away from me and love me from afar if that is what I wanted. I said yes.


So I guess the 9 year saga with him is over, and I feel a little relieved because its done; but I find myself missing the guy I thought he was and the bond that I thought we had. But, I don't miss the real him, now that I know the type of person he is.

[Kia]

Okay, so I am writing because I want to know what I should do. This story has been going on for a few years now, but new stuff just keeps popping up. I happened to be stumped again so I am looking for advice. This guy who I thought was my... bfwb ( best friend with benefits; or so I thought) for about 7-8 years. He never wanted to be with me until I got with my current boyfriend, and after he broke up with his after 1 year( or so I thought, now I know it isn't true)

Anyway he decided to bust me out and get really dirty with it, and is basically slandering my name around town, my boyfriend, and anyone who knows him, simply because I assume I am not on his string anymore. I call it that because up until a couple of weeks ago I really believed that we were bf's due to our talks, the things he said, the way he was giving me advice about my relationship.

Anyway, it is a long story, but I am trying to figure out what I can do to stop his behavior. I told him that I did not want to talk to him anymore and to give me space if he truly cares about me like he said. I thought it was done. Now I am seeing that he is going around talking about me, slandering my name, etc. It really hurts because I thought he was my true friend.

The reason why I do not want to call him is that he is so effing fake and manipulative that he would probably tape and save our conversation, and then try to expose me in some way. But at the same time, although my boyfriend said he will handle it, I want to confront him and say my piece. But due to the whole fiasco I do not want to go behind my bf's back because I know it will come back to blast me, and I will look like a liar again. But the stuf he is saying is disgusting, defaming my character, and making me more and more angry. What can I do?

[talaniman]

Harshness warning

Seems you are caught between two BFWB, one (so called) a boyfriend with benefits, the other a (so called) best friend with benefits. Just pointing out facts after merging, and rereading your posts.

His (THE EX?) behavior is terrible, and that's a given, but you really have to see that your own actions and behavior through all of this was a really big contributing factor in this whole mess.

"The chickens have come home to roost", and "the sh1t is hitting the fan".

Lets keep it real here, as the past guy has PROOF, so its not all about the slander you think it is, and has chosen to let the world know, for his own revenge. Doesn't make it right, but it still has to be handled. Its over, except for the hell to pay, as light has been shed on the darkness.

At some point you will have to stop floating along, and stop the using, and being used, waffling between the two guys (well that's has been resolved though) and get an independent life, away from all this emotional, unhealthy drama, and rebuild from scratch, a more healthy way of living. You do need time alone away from both guys to get your head together, as even though you want an easy way out, there is NONE, and the consequences of YOUR past behavior has caught up with you.

Or you will continue to drown in your own sh1t!

[Cat1864]

The reason why I do not want to call him is that he is so effing fake and manipulative that he would probably tape and save our conversation, and then try to expose me in some way. But at the same time, although my bf said he will handle it, I want to confront him and say my piece. But due to the whole fiasco I do not want to go behind my bf's back because I know it will come back to blast me, and I will look like a liar again. But the stuf he is saying is disgusting, defaming my character, and making me more and more angry. What can I do?

This is probably going to be harsh, too.

Why didn't you think about what might happen before you started playing games? Anyone who cheats knows the rules of the game and what can happen. Did you really think you would get out the mess without paying the price? It sounds like you should be glad there wasn't a tape or pictures made.

What can you do, now? Go completely NC with the (lack of better term) ex. Ignore him completely and work on rebuilding your relationship with your boyfriend. If anyone asks, tell them that you are working with your boyfriend to rebuild your relationship and that is all anyone else needs to know.

Sorry, but you are going to have to weather this storm and hope it stays a tempest instead of turning into a hurricane.