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    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #1

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:23 PM
    money...
    I need help. My fiancé is super stressed about money. I don't make enough for her. I am already doing overtime for her every other week. Now she has pushed me into wanting to pull even more overtime and be gone every night of the week. We just got this new apartment and we can't afford all the things we want for it. We have everything we need but she still isn't happy and now she even just said that if I still want to get married this year I am going to have to work all of the overtime possible (which is a whole lot) because she has to use all her taxes for the apartment. I can't handle this, she is looking to me for all this money because she feels that she is spending a heck of a lot more than me. Too bad she doesn't do a lick of work for the money she gets, its all child support and ssi. Taxes cause her mom claims the kids 8,000 at least a year! I mean come on. I always give my paychecks to her, all of them, I haven't had money in a year and a half, and I work my off for every dime I make. Doesn't that make my money more valuable? What do I do? I don't want to fight about money, I don't give a crap about money, but she does. This is so hard. She just won't stop treating me like I am not doing enough for her. I work 12 days on and have 2 days off... is that not enough? Please someone tell me what to do here. What can I do to make her learn the value of my labor? Or does anyone think that I really am not doing enough? I work thirds too, and I haven't spent a single night with her since she had me move in.
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #2

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:29 PM

    This sounds like a really awful situation. You’re going to work yourself to death! Does she not realize what you are going through? This woman sounds like someone who sees herself as the star of a movie rather than a functional adult. Life is what happens every day. It is not something that you save up for or buy. Ask yourself this: what would be her reaction if you became disabled and couldn't work? Or if you lost your jobs? Would she accept this as one of life's obstacles and carry on with you as best as possible?

    It worries me that you’re engaged to her. Marriage should be about supporting each other through hard times - not making the hard times worse.
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #3

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:40 PM

    I know you're right... I am going to ask those questions tonight. The only night I have spent with her in a long time. I'm just concerned that she is only in this for the money. She gets really angry when she thinks that is what I think so I don't know anymore. I'm trying my best. I just don't make very much money.
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #4

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:48 PM

    Well, she gets angry when you express to her that you feel she is in it only for the money, but it's her actions that are making you feel this way.

    As surprising as it may sound, money is NOT an issue. Money is just pieces of green papers. That’s all! Its all about what money REPRESENTS.If she thinks that money equals happiness then you have yourself a problem.

    I hope your discussion goes well tonight. I really hope that she is in the relationships for the right reasons.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #5

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:52 PM

    Hello Larken85,

    Have you told her that it is a two way street?

    This is just a glimpse of what the future has in store for you...

    I know that there are two sides to every story, but, according to your story, I feel as if you are doing the brunt of the work, in all aspects!

    I really believe that the two of you should sit down in a calm manner and discuss this like adults. Explain that this is NOT how you want to live your life. Working day by day to support HER!

    I understand that you love her, however, she should be more supportive of you and your feelings. Have you guys talked about her possibly getting a job to help support the bills?
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #6

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    Hello Larken85,

    Have you told her that it is a two way street??

    This is just a glimpse of what the future has in store for you....

    I know that there are two sides to every story, but, according to your story, I feel as if you are doing the brunt of the work, in all aspects!!

    I really believe that the two of you should sit down in a calm manner and discuss this like adults. Explain that this is NOT how you want to live your life. Working day by day to support HER!

    I understand that you love her, however, she should be more supportive of you and your feelings. Have you guys talked about her possibly getting a job to help support the bills??
    So true! You guys are just engaged right now. Could you really imagine marrying her and living the rest of your life like this? Because, reality is, if you cannot effectively explain to her that you can't continue living like this, then this is what she'll expect from you for many years down the road. I know you love her, but if she loves you too then she couldn't possibly be okay with you continuing on this way.
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #7

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:25 PM

    Yes she wants one but she can't work over some odd amount of hours or her ssi will be reduced. I'm so done. I can't take it. Every time we are low on money its my fault. Did I mention that I pay all the bills including her car insurance and payment which equals out to 400. Its just hard.

    We just talked. She is being a little less of a you know what. I told her we have to come to a middle ground or we're going to have serious problems. She accepted this.
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #8

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:28 PM

    We'll talk tonight. Hopefully without yelling...
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #9

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:31 PM

    Hello again Larken85,

    How old are the two of you? You mentioned she has children, how many?
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #10

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:32 PM

    It's good to hear that she is starting to realize that you're fed up and that you're going to have serious problems if you continue this way.

    I'm assuming she understands that you cannot put up with the relationship any longer if things don't change. Make sure she understands that you're serious. Actions speak louder than words, if you don't see her making an effort to change her ways, I wouldn't make an effort any longer either.

    Take care and make sure you stand up for yourself.
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #11

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:34 PM

    She has two kids 8 and 9. the 8 yr old is a girl with a speech learning dissablilty and the 9 yr old is an autistic boy. Great kids over all. She is 36 yrs old and bi-polar and I am 24 yrs ld with severe depression. We are both being treated with heavy meds for these
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #12

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:41 PM

    Oh Larken Larken Larken... There are so many red flags here, I don't even know where to start!

    I'm not trying to judge you or her in this, but I have to be honest with you...

    You are a young 24 year old, with no kids of your own I assume. I believe she has a lot on her plate, and to top it off she wants you to do more!

    This is up to you on how you want to handle this, but I don't know if I see a happy ending here.

    Do you know what I mean?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Mar 3, 2010, 03:00 PM

    She may be older, and maybe you both have issues, but if you think your going to be married you better man up, and start defining what's allowed, and what's not. All couples have money problems, so get a budget that's realistic, and live within your means. Why does her mom take your kids on her taxes, and so what if SSI will be cut because she works. You're the man, divide things equally, and have a plan you both can agree on that works without you killing yourself with overtime.

    I see too many red flags to be just giving her full control of anything, especially you. That's not a marriage, that's slavery. For sure if you can't make this work now, forget marriage.

    And who follows without question, the wishes of someone bi-polar? That would depress me too!
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #14

    Mar 3, 2010, 03:26 PM

    My depression stems from my issues of confidence from a long time ago. I have much more self worth now.
    You're right talaniman, I do need to lay down the law. Actually I just did a few minutes ago on the phone. She was trying to fight me on it still and the tone I took and the commanding words stopped her. She never expected me to Fight back so hard. Now she has kind of given up on ordering me to do these things. We'll see how long it lasts.
    Fyi just cause she is bi-polar doesn't mean she is not of a sound mind. It just means that she changes her mind way to freakin often.
    I know a life with her will be hard, but I really do love her and although perhaps misguided, I love her with all my heart. She is my perfect match chemically speaking, just not with logic. We tend not to agree on things and it is always ends up with one of us winning. I said that is going to stop right now, we are not winning or losing these fights anymore, from now on we'll come to an agreement if there is one to be had. She agreed with me. And she is trying to keep her voice down so as not to push me further cause she realized that she was being ridiculous.
    dynocompe's Avatar
    dynocompe Posts: 331, Reputation: 56
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    #15

    Mar 3, 2010, 04:08 PM

    Judging from your previous thread you had, maybe she wants you working all this overtime so your not at home and you do not know what she is up to!
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
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    #16

    Mar 3, 2010, 04:50 PM

    Dyno that is further from my suspicions than you'll ever know. I am not at all afraid of this. For this is the one thing I know for a fact that she will never do to me. She wants me working because she likes to be left alone and go shopping. She knows that too much time with someone can kill a relationship but what she doesn't know is that to little can do it too. She would never cheat. She will never do anything behind my back. She is just materialistic.
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #17

    Mar 3, 2010, 04:58 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dynocompe View Post
    Judging from your previous thread you had, maybe she wants you working all this overtime so your not at home and you do not know what she is up to!
    I really think this comment was unnecessary. The OP never suggested there was trust issues.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #18

    Mar 3, 2010, 05:01 PM

    Hello again Larken,

    So... while you are killing yourself working, she is out shopping!? Is that something that you are OK with or going to be OK with in 5, 10 years from now? Let me tell you, if I were the ONLY one working and my partner was out shopping and was not working, that would really bother me!

    Hey, to each his own, I just think that you are allowing her to get away with a lot. She is pushing 40 with two kids and no job, also having a 24 year old support her and HER kids, bringing you down because its 60 hours you work and not 80, because she wants to go shopping and she is "Materialistic". Does that really intriuge you?

    Is this really what YOU want Larken?

    See, I was under the impression that you guys were struggling with house bills,car payments, electric,yada yada yada, not what's my next pair of shoes I should buy...

    So, I ask you this again, Larken, is this really what you want for the next 20 years?
    AmericanGirl01's Avatar
    AmericanGirl01 Posts: 145, Reputation: 83
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    #19

    Mar 3, 2010, 05:05 PM
    Larken.. during your relationship with her, was she always this way when it came to money?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Mar 3, 2010, 05:36 PM

    She wants me working because she likes to be left alone and go shopping.
    Oh hell no, not when I have to bust my butt working overtime!!

    Champaign taste on a beer budget never works. If that's how she appreciates your efforts... she is out of here. She can do her shopping with out you, or your overtime.

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