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Masha87 · Mar 2, 2010, 07:10 AM

I'm 23 and have gone out with about 20 guys in my life. A month and a half ago I met the guy of my dreams. Everything is perfect - we love each other and are in the kind of relationship I've always wanted. The only problem - it seems to me that sometime he is selfish in money matters - or does it seem to me that way? He's 24, unemployed, broke, lives with and borrows money from parents. However he is a recent college graduate and is actively looking for a job. He does pay for me when we go out or for gifts. But sometimes when it's a matter of spending $3-10, he hesitates, asks me if I'd pay, or just doesn't ask if I want something. Does he have a good excuse considering his situation, or not? Actions speak louder than words (of "I love you"), but am I being unfair to him? In a healthy relationship, normally responsibilities are divided equally, but I think that in terms of paying, a guy should normally pay for a girl more often. In our case, I feel it's almost equal. He knows I don't have much money being a student on OSAP. What do you suggest? I definitely wouldn't want to dump the guy of my dreams. Does he love me as he says/believes he does?

Here are a few examples:

1. Came empty-handed once when came over for the weekend

2. Asked if I wanted a drink, I was silent, he - "we'll share”, didn't offer until I asked

3. Got himself burger while me beside him, only asking me if I'm hungry 15 minutes later

4. Going to get subway sandwich, him asking “do u have money”, me “no”, then him getting one sandwich and splitting with me. Later getting timmy's drink and not asking me.

5. Going to movie, him paying, right after in car, “its on you next time”

6. Didn't take me out for valentine's day (also 1 month anniversary), (but did buy me gift)

redhed35 · Mar 2, 2010, 07:35 AM

He just sounds broke to me,your both broke!

That's OK,you don't need to spent a lot of money to have a good time... spliting the dates or going dutch is fine if your both strapped for cash...

He did get you a gift for valentines,he did split his sandwich and perhaps he 'owed' timmy a drink and could not afford one for you too..

For me,id give him a break,if he respects you and treats you well otherwise I don't see a problem..

Would you perfer to date a guy who brought you loads of stuff but was a complete jerk?. no.

After a while you could suggest that you both save for a special treat together... example,5 euro/dollar a week,for a great night out.

The best date I ever had was sitting on a park bench eating fries... I laughed for the whole time,its not what your doing,its who your with.

Masha87 · Mar 2, 2010, 07:49 AM

thanks a lot for your reply :) your right about everything uv said and i agree. Of course its more about the time u spend, etc. he is the best guy i've ever met. However, i do not want to seem greedy, but my point is that, the fact he sometimes refrains from spending a bit of money on me - maybe - shows how he truly feels about me? It's not about the money for me! Id never ever use a guy, especially someone i love, for money. But - i want him to show me he respects and values me, not just tells me this every day. I simply think that actions reflect true feelings of a person. Thoughts?

redhed35 · Mar 2, 2010, 07:52 AM

I totally agree with you,the actions of a person speak volumes,but don't confuse that with the monetary value you want him to place on your relationship.

how long are you dating?

a month on valentines? Is that correct?

Masha87 · Mar 2, 2010, 07:57 AM

So you mean THE WAY HE SPENDS MONEY ON ME DOES NOT REALLY REFLECT HIS FEELINGS FOR ME? Just remember we'r talking about $3-10 here, not $100 :)... yes, we started dating on jan.14 :) I Don't KNOW HOW TO CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THIS. I Don't WANN SOUND LIKE A TO HIM. AND I TRULY FEEL HE DOES REALLY LOVE ME. Normally on wkends we'd stay at each others' places, and if we'd go out and do stuff it would be somewhere we sometimes won't have to pay, or if we do, what I described in my first email would happen. HE'S QUITE SENSITIVE SO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL HOW I ADDRESS THIS ISSUE. I might also mention that I introduced him to my parents and they really like him, and I really like his parents too. Seems like he comes from a nice family. He's an only child, so maybe it has to do with it. But then again, I Don't WANT TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

redhed35 · Mar 2, 2010, 08:24 AM

If I'm being honest here,your not going out long,really only a few weeks,it's a lot very fast,relationships burn out very fast when you both speed ahead.

For now I would not worry about the money part but just enjoy the time together.

The relationship sounds quite serious in such a short space of time,things may quickly burn out or change as time passes.

Your still getting to know each other.

Jake2008 · Mar 2, 2010, 11:44 AM

I'd give the guy the benefit of the doubt here. I'd guess that he probably doesn't like not having any money, and is well aware that he's planning on the day when he has more. Nobody likes to be broke.

Some of us have been there, where not having an extra dollar means going without.

He's 24, unemployed, broke, lives with and borrows money from parents. However he is a recent college graduate and is actively looking for a job

I'd say take the focus off the money, he's not cheap just because he doesn't have any.

Have a talk to him, and if the two of you plan a little, and split the cost when you both can afford to, everybody will feel better.

talaniman · Mar 2, 2010, 12:38 PM

Poor guys can't be stingy, and if he is so perfect in all areas but not having the cash to splurge on you, the question becomes, not his feelings for you, but yours for him.

Enjoy yourself, broke, and poor, as you both are, and looks like you both have to wait until your better established.

Just curious, knowing his situation, where the freak is he supposed to get the dough to spend on such a needy girlfriend? Sorry, you just come off as not understanding of the circumstances he is in, nor do you sound very caring at all if you equate feelings with money.

Plus its way to soon for a guy to be going in debt for love, don't you think? Your expectations are way to high at this time, a sure indication of moving to fast.

Masha87 · Mar 2, 2010, 11:46 PM

I'm 23 and have gone out with about 20 guys in my life. A month and a half ago I met the guy of my dreams. Everything is perfect - we love each other and are in the kind of relationship I've always wanted. The only problem - it seems to me that sometime he is selfish in money matters - or does it seem to me that way? He's 24, unemployed, broke, lives with and borrows money from parents. However he is a recent college graduate and is actively looking for a job. He does pay for me when we go out or for gifts. But sometimes when it's a matter of spending $3-10, he hesitates, asks me if I'd pay, or just doesn't ask if I want something. Does he have a good excuse considering his situation, or not? Actions speak louder than words (of "I love you"), but am I being unfair to him? In a healthy relationship, normally responsibilities are divided equally, but I think that in terms of paying, a guy should normally pay for a girl more often. In our case, I feel it's almost equal. He knows I don't have much money being a student on OSAP. What do you suggest? I definitely wouldn't want to dump the guy of my dreams. Does he love me as he says/believes he does?

Here are a few examples:

1. Came empty-handed once when came over for the weekend
2. Asked if I wanted a drink, I was silent, he - "we'll share”, didn’t offer until I asked
3. Got himself burger while me beside him, only asking me if I’m hungry 15 minutes later
4. Going to get subway sandwich, him asking “do u have money”, me “no”, then him getting one sandwich and splitting with me. Later getting timmy’s drink and not asking me.
5. Going to movie, him paying, right after in car, “its on you next time”
6. Didn’t take me out for valentine's day (also 1 month anniversary), (but did buy me gift)
7. Sometimes doesn't text back because it costs him (like 25cents)

Masha87 · Mar 2, 2010, 11:48 PM

I'm 23 and have gone out with about 20 guys in my life. A month and a half ago I met the guy of my dreams. Everything is perfect - we love each other and are in the kind of relationship I've always wanted. The only problem - it seems to me that sometime he is selfish in money matters - or does it seem to me that way? He's 24, unemployed, broke, lives with and borrows money from parents. However he is a recent college graduate and is actively looking for a job. He does pay for me when we go out or for gifts. But sometimes when it's a matter of spending $3-10, he hesitates, asks me if I'd pay, or just doesn't ask if I want something. Does he have a good excuse considering his situation, or not? Actions speak louder than words (of "I love you"), but am I being unfair to him? In a healthy relationship, normally responsibilities are divided equally, but I think that in terms of paying, a guy should normally pay for a girl more often. In our case, I feel it's almost equal. He knows I don't have much money being a student on OSAP. What do you suggest? I definitely wouldn't want to dump the guy of my dreams. Does he love me as he says/believes he does?

Here are a few examples:

1. Came empty-handed once when came over for the weekend

2. Asked if I wanted a drink, I was silent, he - "we'll share”, didn’t offer until I asked

3. Got himself burger while me beside him, only asking me if I’m hungry 15 minutes later

4. Going to get subway sandwich, him asking “do u have money”, me “no”, then him getting one sandwich and splitting with me. Later getting timmy’s drink and not asking me.

5. Going to movie, him paying, right after in car, “its on you next time”

6. Didn’t take me out for valentine's day (also 1 month anniversary), (but did buy me gift)

7. Sometimes doesn't text me back because it costs him (like 25 cents)

dynocompe · Mar 2, 2010, 11:48 PM

If your hungry , buy your own food. He obviously doesn't have a lot of money.
Quit making it harder on him than it already is.
YOu sound very selfish
DO you know how much .25 cents adds up to with texting. My girlfriend normally texts me over 1000 times a month.
1000x.25cents=$250!
Call him!

dynocompe · Mar 3, 2010, 12:00 AM

Instead of asking him to pay, you should talk to his parents and tell them to give him more money!
Like really what do you expect this guy to do? Where is he suppose to get this money from when he has no job and is broke. YOU ARE ASKING something he CAN NOT provide at this time

Masha87 · Mar 3, 2010, 12:11 AM

Threads merged and edited.
Only problem is, I have a secret, and I don't know if/how/when I should tell him. The first is, my brother has been mentally ill since about 5 years ago. I am afraid that if I will tell him, he won't want to continue anything serious with me, or he wouldn't see us together in the long run, because he'd be afraid of the "genetic factor". Either that I'd have something, or even more importantly, that our future kids would have something. I personally have studied psychology and I know this is not likely to happen. But I fear he will think that. Should I tell him the truth? Also, if I do, I'd have to explain to him why I lied in the first place. I told him in he beginning I have a brother but he's in Israel working. If I do tell him, how long should I wait?

I'd appreciate anyone's opinions, thanks :)

Masha87 · Mar 3, 2010, 12:13 AM

Threads merged and edited
My issue is that I started college in September, did very well in the beginning, but because of mild depression/anxiety, the stress from school made my condition and school worse. In January I quit my program because it was so intense. I'm such a perfectionist. I felt so bad about it, because in reality I know I have the intelligence to do it. I got almost everything A's in first semester. So since we've met I've been telling him I still go to school, and should finish in January 2011. I just hate and can't keep lying to him! And I have a feeling he suspects something. I.e. one time we spent 9 days together and I said it's OK I could miss school. Or sometimes we'd spend Mondays together, or I'd stay up really late like till 3am. So he's probably wondering, how could she act like this when she's taking such an intense program? I plan to find a full-time job for now, and go to school later, maybe in September. HOW DO I TELL HIM SO THAT HE WON'T LOSE RESPECT FOR ME? I don't want him to think I'm stupid, incapable, or deprived. AND HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO HIM WHY I LIED TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE? I Don't WANT TO LOSE HIM. BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT TO HIM, SOONER THAN LATER.

Masha87 · Mar 3, 2010, 12:14 AM

Hmm OK thanks. Well I don't think id ask his parents that. Its not nice, and last thing I need is for them to dislike me.

CanIBuyAClue · Mar 3, 2010, 12:15 AM

The question you should ask yourself is: does his frugality change the way you feel about him?

It's hard to read your post. You said first that stuff should be split 50/50, then you say that a guy should pay most of the time. I'm from the school of 'going dutch.' I am definitely not going to be some girl's sugar mama. I work hard for my money. If she wants something she can help foot some of the bill. As a male I'm not a very material person at all, I don't spend a lot of money, I don't expect family/friends/girlfriends to get me gifts, but I'll buy gifts for other people. I have however worked very hard and am fairly well off for a 25 yr old guy and have a college degree and a decent paying job. It sounds a little bit like he's a mooch. I would never ask my girlfriend to pay for anything for me. If you truly do love him, why don't you wait until he's able to land a job out of college and start earning a steady paycheck? Then if his rather cheapskate antics continue to the point that it affects your feelings for him... probably better to end it, although I would consider that a shallow reason for ending it with somebody. That's just me though...

dynocompe · Mar 3, 2010, 12:17 AM

Originally Posted by Masha87

hmm ok thanks. well i dont think id ask his parents that. its not nice, and last thing i need is for them to dislike me.

So you want your boyfriend to dislike you too?
Why would they dislike you over you wanting there money?
I hope you realize how ridiculious you look

Masha87 · Mar 3, 2010, 12:19 AM

Thanks for your post! I'm sorry I wasn't clear - I meant that our situation now is almost 50/50 but I think the way it should be is like 70(guy)/30(girl). I'm not saying I'm material at all. However, I think actions speak louder than words. So for me, I equate feelings with money I guess. A GUY SHOULD SHOW THE WAY HE FEELS ABOUT A GIRL, AND PROVE THAT HIM MAKING ME HAPPY IS IMPORTANT, LIKE HE SAYS IT IS, NO? I GUESS IM JUST AFRAID OF BEING Deceived, SO I WANT HIM TO SHOW IT. HOWEVER - I DO REALLY FEEL HE'S BEING SINCERE THAT HE LOVES ME. That's only why it kind of effects the way I feel about him. But your right, ill wait, and then we'll see :)

justcurious55 · Mar 3, 2010, 12:23 AM

Just be honest. Tell him that you were worried about how he would react but that you don't want to keep secrets from him. If you explain it to him how you have here, I'm sure he will understand

dynocompe · Mar 3, 2010, 12:24 AM

Well if my girlfriend told me she quit school, I honestly wouldn't be bothered, I don't care if my partner works.
Its up to her. She actually quit school, but she quit before I met her, now she works full time making 50k a year with full benefits and retirement plan.
So don't be so depressed about it! I would definitely tell him, and if he doesn't stick with you, than you better off without him