[Regenbogen]

Hi,

My partner of 4 1/2 years has cheated on me and left me for the person she cheated on me with. I am so confused and hurt that it is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I feel numb, betrayed, very hurt and unwanted.

It all happened in a space of about 4 months.

5 months ago my partner got a tattoo with my name on her wrist.
4 months ago she said she found the perfect house for us to raise a family in.
3 months ago we bought the house together and moved in.
2 months ago (middle of December) she cheated on me.
5 days later we went to spend Christmas with my family.
1 month ago we separated because she 'needed space'.
2 weeks ago I accidentally found out that she cheated on me and has been with the person since December.
I kicked her out straight away.

I now feel so betrayed. So hurt. I don't know when the lying started. I don't know when she started having doubts about our relationship. She always said that cheating starts in the head and that she despised cheaters... and then she does something like that.

It feels like that the person I knew only 5 months ago has been exchanged by this monster. This uncaring monster who lies and cheats and doesn't care about my feelings. I don't understand.

I've tried talking to her but all she says is that she loves me but isn't IN love with me anymore. She says that she now has romantic feelings for this new person. How can someone change so quickly? I have messages from her from October/November telling me that she loves me.

She's now dating and sleeping with this guy and seems completely happy. As if the last 4 1/2 years didn't matter to her at all. As if she's forgotten all about the time we had together.

I can't stop crying and I cannot concentrate. I feel like a loser for not noticing her cheating and lying. I just trusted her completely. I keep thinking back to how she was a few months ago and I was so certain of her love for me.

I now need to know if anyone has experienced this before and if you were able to get over it and how long it took you. What did you do to get over it? What did you do to NOT think about her and about how happy she now seems. How do you get over her?

[leifweaver]

First of all, my condolences. This is a hard thing to go through.

When this happened to me, I was completely blind-sided. For weeks I couldn't eat and was like a zombie moving through my routines. But: 1) It will get better, and 2) You will be glad that she left AND you will be thankful that it happened before you had kids.

I did not really get over it until I realized that it had nothing to do with me. For what ever reason, she left. I thought that it might have been something that I had done, or that I hadn't done, or that I COULD have done, but no. I got involved with her when she was lying to herself about who she was, and so, she lied to me as well. I too, got the "I LOVE you, I am just not 'IN LOVE' with you" story. Whatever - that is not how real partners work to resolve issues. I think that this is why she can just walk away from 4 1/2 years. With me it was just over 3 years.

The thing is, had this been at all about you, she would have tried talking to you about it. You could have gone to counselling, and it may or may not have worked, but that is how a real partnership works to resolve differences - by talking about it and working together to try to come to a resolution.

I slowly realized that we were not copilots of a relationship. I was a pilot and she was a passenger. Our relationship was not tested - she simply left. Someday you are going to have a real partnership and you are going to be glad that she is gone. She may be happy now, but she hasn't learned how to be in a real relationship, and they are both cheaters, don't worry about her happiness. Karma bites.

Getting through the first few months is hard. Here are some things that a friend advised for me, and I think REALLY helped.
1) Forget about her. Get rid of anything that causes you pain when you look at it. Things that have memories of her bound to it. Don't talk about her, even with your friends. Sometime it takes moving to really do it. (I ended up not moving.)
2) Make a list of 6 or so things that you USED to do before you were together, or that you would have done if you hadn't been together. Perhaps you stopped going camping, or bowling, or whatever. Do those things.
3) Get involved in not just a group, but 2 groups. It is really more than anyone has the time for, and that is the point. You will be so busy that the days and weeks and months will fly by. You will meet new people.
4) Make a real effort to appear cheerful. I know, you will be lying, but this is one of those things that it works to lie about. Go over the high points of your day, and the day before. Celebrate the little wins.

After doing these 4 things for about two months, I really was doing well, and I hope that it works for you too. Keep your chin up.

p.s. I met my current *wonderful* parter through one of the groups that I had joined during that process (several years later - it wasn't instant). In retrospect, I am SO glad that things unfolded as they did.

[Gemini54]

I'm so sorry! Sounds as if you're been delivered a resounding blow to your emotions and your ego. No wonder you're feeling hurt and confused.

The first thing I'd say is that you are feeling sad now, but you will get angry. And you need to. You may never get closure, apologies or an explanation from her, so I'd suggest you start by writing down all your feelings in a book and keep writing them as you're going through the angry stage.

Accept that you're grieving and sad... and soon to be angry. You're not a loser - you're just someone that had the honesty and decency to trust another person. But it seems that person wasn't honest or decent, and certainly wasn't worthy of your trust.

Perhaps she's just someone who isn't happy unless she's feeling romantic love - well, most relationships go from romantic love into committed love, and it seems she's also incapable of commitment (or love either).

I suspect she left so quickly because she didn't want to make the relationship work, and it was all about her, rather than anything to do with you.

In any case, she's gone into a REBOUND relationship with a tattoo of YOUR name on her wrist - hehe - sorry, but that's got to make you laugh.

[450donn]

So by using "partner" I assume that you are not married. So all I can say is sorry. Outside of a marriage commitment you have very little if any recourse except to move on. Put the house up for sale and count your blessings that there is no children that have to deal with the situation too.