[Saintas]

First of all she was disrepectful with you first when lie to you regarding sleeping with a
Total stranger .
Second , you have strong believes regarding relationships drawing to you in sayng what have you said her . Now , I have doubts regarding your motivation to be with her knowing what happened in her past and the fact she already lie to you.
But that is only my opinion(don't want to be rude to you). I really believe that if you and here go togheter you will can not handle this relation (the motives for what you did what you did are further in your mind but hide for now ).
Third : flowers may help , you have nothing to lose now .
Forget about no contact , in your situation apologize may help or not but without contact you can not aplogize , did you.
Have no expectation , but send her flowers and two words of sorry things.

[4answers]

Hi this relates to a previous post but better clarified.

Has anyone suffered from a co dependent / obsesive ex partner who would not let you go. How did this affect you and how did it make you view your ex.

I ask because I have just come out of a relationship, where I realise that I have had co dependency / obsesive actions, inability to let go and anger issues, that I am facing up to. But it is hard to see on the other person the full affects of this. And I don't know if there is any way someone can honestly make up for this.

The answers may help others to realise the destructive nature of their actions.

Thanks. 4 answers.

[Capuchin]

Hi, I know ecatly how you feel - I was somewhat obsessive over my ex when we broke up, and I'm sure it destroyed our relationship further. I feel like I was so stupid for doing it now, and in fact I find it hard to justify how I acted. I would never do it again.

I don't know what it's like from the other side, but I can see it being rather frightening. It probably also destroys your respect for that person.

Hope that helps a little..

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi, I know ecatly how you feel - I was somewhat obsessive over my ex when we broke up, and i'm sure it destroyed our relationship further. I feel like I was so stupid for doing it now, and in fact I find it hard to justify how I acted. I would never do it again.

I don't know what it's like from the other side, but I can see it being rather frightening. It probably also destroys your respect for that person.

Hope that helps a little..

What did you do Capuchin that was obsessive if you don't mind me asking?

[Capuchin]

I just couldn't let go. I didn't have the no contact attitude back then :)

[Geoffersonairplane]

I just couldn't let go. I didnt have the no contact attitude back then :)

We all make mistakes Capuchin, at least it was a good learning tool for you!

I doubt you will repeat the same mistakes next time.

[Capuchin]

We all make mistakes Capuchin, at least it was a good learning tool for you!!

I doubt you will repeat the same mistakes next time.

Indeed, I was just a stupid kid back then right? :)

[Geoffersonairplane]

Indeed, I was just a stupid kid back then right? :)

I would not say stupid,

Just naïve and inexperienced in dealing with the situation at that time.

We rarely get things right first time.

[BlazingCold]

I'm in the same boat as you Capuchin.

I was codependent on my ex as well. Made her think she was my world and that she was solely responsible for my happiness. I guess combined with meeting new people who showed an interest in her, she couldn't take it anymore and I was cut loose.

1 month+ of NC since the day she left. She wanted me out of her life, so I fell off the face of the Earth.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I'm in the same boat as you Capuchin.

I was codependent on my ex as well. Made her think she was my world and that she was solely responsible for my happiness. I guess combined with meeting new people who showed an interest in her, she couldn't take it anymore and I was cut loose.

1 month+ of NC since the day she left. She wanted me out of her life, so I fell off the face of the Earth.

Spot on Blaze,

Remember her age too.. at 18, she was not ready for that kind of commitment i.e. serious relationship.

With the co dependency being a factor too, it may have been a bit of a smothering situation for her.

But you are sorting all that out now right>?

[Capuchin]

Eh, she dumped me, used me for comfort while she needed it when she was stressed with exams, then told me that if I kept talking to her she would get her dad to talk to me, so we never spoke again, that hurt a lot, I'm not doing that again.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Eh, she dumped me, used me for comfort while she needed it when she was stressed with exams, then told me that if I kept talking to her she would get her dad to talk to me, so we never spoke again, that hurt a lot, i'm not doing that again.

Sorry to hear that..

Sounds like she kind of used you then, without knowing the ins and outs of the whole situation.

When did it end?

[Capuchin]

Ehh coming up on 2 years ago.

[BlazingCold]

Spot on Blaze,

Remember her age too..at 18, she was not ready for that kind of commitment i.e. serious relationship.

With the co dependency being a factor too, it may have been a bit of a smothering situation for her.

But you are sorting all that out now right>?

She just wanted to be single for a change, I guess. I've stopped caring about why she wanted to go or what she's doing. If she wants to call, she knows how to contact me.

Yeah, I know the smothering feeling. I felt the same way as she did at one point, almost leaving her. But I went back to college and that gave me the space to think.

Doin' a whole lot of sorting out lately. Very little about her, though. Focusing on how NOT to be a WUSS anymore.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Doin' a whole lot of sorting out lately. Very little about her, though. Focusing on how NOT to be a WUSS anymore.

Good!

Just remember that the improvements you are making are not to be confused with changing who you really are.

You can still be a good man!

Just stronger - - You know this anyway, I can tell...

[wap]

Well. I hope I don't seem that way towards my ex. I waited just less than 3 months before contacting him again. It is hard to draw the line I guess, because you love someone so much, you think contacting them will help but it doesn't. It doesn't help you or them.

[valinors_sorrow]

You have all posted some really good stuff here that I would like to add a little to...

Just as some of you have seen me say that a little gambling, porno or weed smoking does not make for an addiction... the same goes for here since codependency is an addiction of sorts. Codependent behaviors does not make someone a codependent. It takes a pattern over time, repeated. We all pass through a stage growing up where our identities are finishing forming, where boundaries are not well established and our ability to communicate clearly under fire, like when a relationship is breaking up, isn't so hot. Its called YOUTH. LOL And fortunately the remedy is time and experience.

I am reminded of a woman, mid thirties I think, who posted here some time ago-- had four relationships all ended the same way-- each one more dramatic than the last. And while she was able to put some time in between each one, it was clear by how she talked about each one that she got lost in them, time and time again. The more she posted, the more you could see there wasn't a lot to her outside of these relationships. She ended the thread by disappearing after not very successfully defending that "that last one really was IT, the love of her life and she knew it two weeks into meeting him while there wasn't even a relationship at the point, nevermind what HE thought, gull dern it!!" :eek:

But with that said, it is important to think about what you are doing. To notice how you feel and be honest with yourself about it. If you are ever to solve things between you and you, its going to take knowing who you are and what's going on with you.

I really like what Capuchin said here:

Hi, I know excatly how you feel - I was somewhat obsessive over my ex when we broke up, and I'm sure it destroyed our relationship further. I feel like I was so stupid for doing it now, and in fact I find it hard to justify how I acted. I would never do it again.

Not the stupid part so much but the fact that the eyes are now so wide open there is no doing that again -- now there is a real lesson learned.

So I say, keep on learning cos'... its ALL GOOD!

The number one way to insure against codependency is to build yourself a full life as a single person and get involved with the same! Should you have any questions about codependency, I would be happy to answer them too.

To answer the original question posted here, I have been on both sides. To be the recipient of obsessive love is a big drag and when extreme, its scary. My first husband (marriage lasted one year-- he was abusive and had anger problems -- I got us into counseling two week after the wedding which he played games with so I left him after a year) did that to me EVEN after I divorced him. It is a long sad tale that finally ended.

[4answers]

Hi Guys, As most of you know I have been in a break up that involved unusual curcumstances.

I had a lot of anger issues, over the break up. With hindsight, they would not of been as bad had I iniated No Contact straigtht away. But you live and learn... Doh!

I am however struggling with the feelings of anger, over the break up, my reactions, my anger and its affects.

Has anyone had any experience of how best to get rid of the feelings of anger when they are directed towards yourself ?

[Allheart]

Hi 4,

So sorry you are feeling this way. I was always a believer that under anger is great hurt.
Just realize you are still hurting and that is very normal.

What do you mean exactly that you are angry?

[imation]

Are you blamin yourself for the collapse of the relationship maybe? If not on the surface it could be subconcious.