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    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #21

    Mar 1, 2010, 12:19 PM

    Perhaps because of the environment in which they were reared?

    TV,hollywood,everyone's doing it kind of thing...

    Example,if I'm on my own there must be something wrong with me... so,instead of being happy on my own ill make myself more miserable by jumping from relationship to relationship,not getting close enough for the intimacy they want or need.

    Perhaps I'm clueless too.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #22

    Mar 1, 2010, 12:51 PM
    In general, I believe that we all seek: happiness and comfort. However, everyone has a different interpretation of happiness and comfort, which can be separated in two categories.

    If you can find happiness and comfort alone, then mission accomplished!

    If you find happiness and comfort by sharing your life with someone you care about deeply, then mission accomplished!

    The problem occurs when you're stuck in limbo or in the process. The process can be fustrating at times.

    Those who can find happiness and comfort by themselves have an easier time than those who need to find another person. Reason being, we can't control how others feel about us. So not only do we have to worry about ourselves, but we also have to worry about how the other person feels.

    We can put yourselves out there to increase our chances of finding significant others, but there are no guarantees that we can find someone who will share the same feelings. Therefore, it's also important to be happy with ourselves, otherwise life can be miserable if we're constantly searching for something that we can't find.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #23

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:04 PM

    I think sometimes we want something so bad, we overlook the obvious, and fall for anything, just to have something. We hang on, and just can't let go, even when we see that its no good for us.

    I have learned to appreciate what I have got, and enjoy it, rather than look for something I may never find.

    Good things have a tendency of showing up when you need it, besides, half the time we are not sure of what it is we are looking for, nor would recognize it, if it smacked us between the eyes. I think you have to make the most of what you have, and not worry about what you don't, and honestly, that in itself is a lot of work.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #24

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:30 PM

    I am married, I am happy, I love my husband and we have a wonderful relationship. He really is my best friend, my lover, my partner in every way.

    Now, if I was single, I don't think I'd be out there looking. I like myself, I like being with myself, heck, I'm a fun person to hang out with. ;) I wouldn't want a relationship just so I can say I'm in a relationship. That's not my style, never has been.

    I met my hubby at 19. We clicked and we've never stopped clicking. If he died tomorrow (heaven forbid!) then yes, I'd feel like a part of my soul was torn out of me, not because of the lack of a physical presence in my life, but for the lack of him, his humor, his love, his acceptance, just... him. I'd miss him every day of my life, but I'd go on.

    I don't think you need a "significant other" in your life if you yourself are significant.

    Just my two cents. If it makes sense. ;)
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #25

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    It's amazing where you can find intimacy. There was a homeless man who used to hang out at the public library where I worked for 25 years. He was always clean and well-behaved, but scruffy and wore mismatched clothes. One day about 10-12 years ago, I introduced myself to him and asked him his name. That was the start of a wonderful friendship.

    Jerry is a voracious reader of newspapers and books (especially history) and is a keen observer of people. As you can imagine, public libraries, like bus stations and airports, are great places to observe people. Jerry and I are intimates -- no romance, no sex, no kissy stuff -- but we have our inside jokes, often have similar assessments of situations (I've often chuckled at his no-comment eye-rolling or eyebrow-raising during a patron upset or library incident), and share a deep love for libraries. Through conversations on the fly, we got to know each other well.

    I would come to work and walk up the steps to the front door near where Jerry was smoking a cheap cigarette, and ask him, "How're things?" He wouldn't have to say a word. His eyes would meet mine and silently tell a tale of a thousand words. To me, that's intimacy.
    Well, that was intimate and is intimate. All is well and good with that.

    What I'm asking about here, is people who can't stand being without someone who's intimate with them in their lives. It could be in the sexual sense. Physical, personal, emotional, it's hard to describe, but I'm sure that there are those who know what I'm talking about here!

    To me, some of us just simply don't need someone else in our lives in order for us to reach our full potential to be a person who realizes their full worth and is a productive and positive contributor to society.

    Thanks!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #26

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:39 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by redhed35 View Post
    perhaps because of the enviroment in which they were reared?

    tv,hollywood,everyones doing it kinda thing....

    example,if im on my own there must be something wrong with me...so,instead of being happy on my own ill make myself more miserable by jumping from relationship to relationship,not getting close enough for the intimacy they want or need.

    perhaps im clueless too.
    Products of the environment. You may be on to something there, reddy!

    I choose not to be a product of the enrironment or the status quo.

    I just don't understand why some people think that they have to be in some kind of close, intimate relationship with someone else in order for them to feel that they are complete as a person.

    Thanks!
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #27

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:41 PM

    I think that a lot of times the people that desperately search for 'the one' don't see the many good people that are right there in front of them.

    There are so many people that take for granted the huge bank of love available to them from other intimate relationships in their lives.

    I think that there are also a lot of people that want someone to fill a void they must fill themselves with their own love for themselves. (Was going to use the term self love but thought the connotations might lower the tone ;) )

    I am not there yet myself. I have my own issues I have to address before I feel I am anywhere near ready to enter into a relationship but I think I am on the right track. But my search for love for myself isn't to the goal of being in a relationship. In all honesty, look around, relationships are a dime a dozen as long as you are willing to settle. It is rare that true love is found in this world, in my opinion. I think that intimacy, not sexual but emotional, is rare. Too often the alternate meanings of the word are not separated and people run head long into relationships that will never work, and stay because the fear of loneliness is crippling.

    But the loneliness that can be felt in a unhealthy relationship is far more soul destroying than simply being alone.

    There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Am I alone? No, I have a lot of friends and family that are around me that are ready to support me and love me should I ever need anything. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Yes. But it is not the want of 'someone' in my life that makes me feel this way, it is jealousy. Genuinely, Green is not normally my colour but I get a small tinge when I see people that have found truly intimate sexual love, a partner. But then I give myself a second and I'm smiling in the knowledge that it is possible, it is out there, which is something that is easy to forget.

    Ok might have gone on a bit of a speil here but its just my 2c.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #28

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:52 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    In general, I believe that we all seek: happiness and comfort. However, everyone has a different interpretation of happiness and comfort, which can be seperated in two categories.

    If you can find happiness and comfort alone, then mission accomplished!

    If you find happiness and comfort by sharing your life with someone you care about deeply, then mission accomplished!

    The problem occurs when you're stuck in limbo or in the process. The process can be fustrating at times.

    Those who can find happiness and comfort by themselves have an easier time than those who need to find another person. Reason being, we can't control how others feel about us. So not only do we have to worry about ourselves, but we also have to worry about how the other person feels.

    We can put yourselves out there to increase our chances of finding significant others, but there are no guarantees that we can find someone who will share the same feelings. Therefore, it's also important to be happy with ourselves, otherwise life can be miserable if we're constantly searching for something that we can't find.
    Wise words and well written by you, I wish!

    I agree with the pursuit of happiness and comfort thing. I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

    This still isn't just about me though. I'm trying to firgure out how others don't really feel complete and satisfied with themselves unless they are in some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

    The mindset there baffles me. I don't understand it.

    Thanks!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #29

    Mar 1, 2010, 07:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    I am married, I am happy, I love my husband and we have a wonderful relationship. He really is my best friend, my lover, my partner in every way.

    Now, if I was single, I don't think I'd be out there looking. I like myself, I like being with myself, heck, I'm a fun person to hang out with. ;) I wouldn't want a relationship just so I can say I'm in a relationship. That's not my style, never has been.

    I met my hubby at 19. We clicked and we've never stopped clicking. If he died tomorrow (heaven forbid!) then yes, I'd feel like a part of my soul was torn out of me, not because of the lack of a physical presence in my life, but for the lack of him, his humor, his love, his acceptance, just...him. I'd miss him every day of my life, but I'd go on.

    I don't think you need a "significant other" in your life if you yourself are significant.

    Just my two cents. If it makes sense. ;)

    Okay, so you're not a seeker. I'm trying to figure out why some people are seekers. It would appear that the majority of people postiting questions about relationships on this site are seekers.

    I'm not trying to be judgemental, but I just don't understand the mentality of a seeker.

    Thanks!
    friend4u178's Avatar
    friend4u178 Posts: 3,349, Reputation: 1584
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    #30

    Mar 1, 2010, 08:45 PM

    Clough

    I think the reason most people we see on here are seekers is that most of them have just been dumped and therefore because they are in a state of emotional turmoil are just reaching out for someone , anyone to ease their pain and redeem a bit of self esteem.

    Just my take on it :)

    Good thread though and some very valid and interesting discussion.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #31

    Mar 1, 2010, 09:51 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Clough View Post
    Wise words and well written by you, I wish!

    I agree with the pursuit of happiness and comfort thing. I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

    This still isn't just about me though. I'm trying to firgure out how others don't really feel complete and satisfied with themselves unless they are in some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

    The mindset there baffles me. I don't understand it.

    Thanks!
    What's even more puzzling is that some people obviously have the need to find that significant other to be happy, but at the same time, they aren't willing to spend the time to get to develop stronger bonds to see if there is a potential.

    I'm on the side of wanting to have a significant other to share my life with. Since I'm one of the people who baffles you, I can tell you that I don't know why I feel this way. It seems like this feeling is naturally implanted in me. There's no reason behind it, it's just a feeling.

    It's like our favorite color. How do we explain why a certain color is our favorite? I would say that it's a feeling that was naturally implanted in our brains from when we were born and it's rare that we would change our favorite color.

    Clough, you just happen to be the type who is capable of finding happiness within oneself.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #32

    Mar 1, 2010, 10:11 PM
    Originally Posted by Clough
    Wise words and well written by you, I wish!
    I agree with the pursuit of happiness and comfort thing. I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.

    This still isn't just about me though. I'm trying to firgure out how others don't really feel complete and satisfied with themselves unless they are in some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

    The mindset there baffles me. I don't understand it.

    Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    What's even more puzzling is that some people obviously have the need to find that significant other to be happy, but at the same time, they aren't willing to spend the time to get to develop stronger bonds to see if there is a potential.

    I'm on the side of wanting to have a significant other to share my life with. Since I'm one of the people who baffles you, I can tell you that I don't know why I feel this way. It seems like this feeling is naturally implanted in me. There's no reason behind it, it's just a feeling.

    It's like our favorite color. How do we explain why a certain color is our favorite? I would say that it's a feeling that was naturally implanted in our brains from when we were born and it's rare that we would change our favorite color.

    Clough, you just happen to be the type who is capable of finding happiness within oneself.
    Well, you may be correct and maybe I just need to accept that. It's hard though, when I see so many others in need of something.

    Thanks!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #33

    Mar 1, 2010, 11:27 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Clough View Post
    I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.
    Let me play devil's advocate here for a minute. If what you say is true, why are you on AMHD? Yes, you answer questions to help your fellow mankind. Yet, it doesn't stop with that. You don't seem to be an island unto yourself at all; you are very outgoing and friendly, engaging in Internet intimacy with many of us and apparently deriving satisfaction from that.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #34

    Mar 2, 2010, 12:17 PM
    Originally Posted by Clough
    I've found my happiness and comfort. But, it' not with another person. It's between myself, what I do for a living and God.
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Let me play devil's advocate here for a minute. If what you say is true, why are you on AMHD? Yes, you answer questions to help your fellow mankind. Yet, it doesn't stop with that. You don't seem to be an island unto yourself at all; you are very outgoing and friendly, engaging in Internet intimacy with many of us and apparently deriving satisfaction from that.
    Okay, maybe we really need to get back to what is the definition of being intimate. To me, I really don't think that it's possible to be "intimate" with someone via the Internet or in any other type of communication where writing only is used to communicate via an electronic means. I hope that makes sense.

    It's just not the same to me as being able to hug someone, hold their hand, write them a love letter or song.

    I'm on AMHD as a form of recreation and learning experience for me. I've learned a lot from others here. Hopefully, some of what I write is helpful also to others. True, I love to help people.

    But, I really just don't see it as being intimate.

    What's your definition of being intimate, Wondergirl?

    Thanks!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #35

    Mar 2, 2010, 12:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by neverme View Post
    I think that a lot of times the people that desperately search for 'the one' don't see the many good people that are right there in front of them.

    There are so many people that take for granted the huge bank of love available to them from other intimate relationships in their lives.

    I think that there are also a lot of people that want someone to fill a void they must fill themselves with their own love for themselves. (Was going to use the term self love but thought the connotations might lower the tone ;) )

    I am not there yet myself. I have my own issues I have to address before I feel I am anywhere near ready to enter into a relationship but I think I am on the right track. But my search for love for myself isn't to the goal of being in a relationship. In all honesty, look around, relationships are a dime a dozen as long as you are willing to settle. It is rare that true love is found in this world, in my opinion. I think that intimacy, not sexual but emotional, is rare. Too often the alternate meanings of the word are not separated and people run head long into relationships that will never work, and stay because the fear of loneliness is crippling.

    But the loneliness that can be felt in a unhealthy relationship is far more soul destroying than simply being alone.

    There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Am I alone? No, I have a lot of friends and family that are around me that are ready to support me and love me should I ever need anything. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Yes. But it is not the want of 'someone' in my life that makes me feel this way, it is jealousy. Genuinely, Green is not normally my colour but I get a small tinge when I see people that have found truly intimate sexual love, a partner. But then I give myself a second and I'm smiling in the knowledge that it is possible, it is out there, which is something that is easy to forget.

    Ok might have gone on a bit of a speil here but its just my 2c.
    Your opinion is of huge value here and greatly appreciated, neverme! I agree that there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

    It's a difficult issue as to what people really want, need and feel as to what's being intimate.

    I would love to be in an ongoing, intimate relationship with a woman! However, the pattern of what I do in my life doesn't seem to be real condusive to being able to have or maintain that type of relationship.

    Why do you feel jealous, please? I used to feel jealous of other couples and musicians. But, not now... Haven't felt that way for many years.

    Acceptance? Maturity? The realization of ones own worth?

    Tough call... Don't really know the answers...

    Originally posted by neverme

    But the loneliness that can be felt in a unhealthy relationship is far more soul destroying than simply being alone.
    You're darned right with the above statement by you!

    Thanks!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #36

    Mar 2, 2010, 01:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Clough View Post
    Okay, maybe we really need to get back to what is the definition of being intimate.
    That's what I had asked for originally, a definition of intimate. Many of the contributors to this thread seem to be defining intimate as having someone to be romantic with, be in love with.

    To me, intimacy is a very special connection -- the kind of a connection where two people know each other very well and are very emotionally connected. They don't have to be in love or romantic or thinking of each other as a potential partner. Yes, I believe intimacy is possible on the Internet. Emotions and a deep connection can flow through the telephone wires into print on another's screen. Of course, phone calls will heighten that level of intimacy. I know this kind of intimacy is possible because it has occurred in my life.

    In real life, intimacy is a relationship (not necessarily romantic or sexual, although it could be either of those) in which one without thinking can finish sentences that the other starts, or when their eyes meet, they know exactly what the other is thinking. Jim and Pam sometimes do this on "The Office" (TV show). I mentioned earlier that library homeless guy Jerry and I got to know each other well enough that words were no longer necessary at times. I can't do this with my Asperger's husband because he does not make eye contact with me or anyone else and is totally at sea when it comes to expressing emotion.
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    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #37

    Mar 3, 2010, 04:46 AM

    Really I don't know if jealousy is the correct term. I suppose it is more of a longing for what they've got, in a way... but that isn't quite right either, but it is as close as I can get for right now.

    I'll have a think and get back to you,

    Thanks!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #38

    Mar 3, 2010, 01:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by neverme View Post
    Really I don't know if jealousy is the correct term. I suppose it is more of a longing for what they've got, in a way....but that isn't quite right either, but it is as close as I can get for right now.
    Envy is a feeling toward someone who has something you want but never had before.

    Jealousy is a feeling toward someone who now has something that you once had and lost.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #39

    Mar 3, 2010, 02:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Envy is a feeling toward someone who has something you want but never had before.

    Jealousy is a feeling toward someone who now has something that you once had and lost.
    I would also add that:

    Envy - is more of a positive feeling. You wish that you had the same thing and you can both have it. For example, he/she has an amazing bf/gf, I wish I had someone like that.

    Jealousy - is more of a negative feeling. You wish you had the same thing, but hope that the other person didn't have it. For example, he/she is with the person I want, I wish I was with that person.
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    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #40

    Mar 3, 2010, 07:20 PM

    Well I stand corrected! :)

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