[Phoenix25]

Threads merged

Ok, Hi umm this is what's going on:
My boyfriend and I have been going out for just about 9 months and he has this friend (a girl) and I became friends with her because he talks about her and texs her all the time. And we have even gone down and spent the day with her a few times. I became really close with her for a while there but then it died off. Then 2 weeks ago my boyfriend told me "dont be angry with me but E**** is my ex" and I was so heart broken because I had asked them both how did they know each other and they both said "just friends" they both came up with this not to tell me thing, and before this I had asked him a few times because I didn't fully believe him but then I sort of moved on but then when he told me they nearly once had sex and that he told her he loved her (coz he told me he loves me) I broke down. And it hurts so much because I told her lots of personal stuff (as girls do) and now I think omg I was telling all this to his ex. And even had a dinner with him and her and her family. I feel so stupid for beliving them. He has now stopped talking to her all together and now I feel worse as I feel like I've costed him a friend. We have talked about it a lot and I love him so much but over 8 moths of lying to me! It still hurts.

[Devorameira]

The idea of being friends with an ex is fine as long as both partners in a relationship are OK with it; however, I think it is rarely realistic for past lovers to be 'just' friends. It is simply not possible to erase an intimate past, no matter what people say. There is a history that will always link them, whether the romantic ties have been severed or not.

It's ridiculously disrespectful of them to lie to you about their past. I would say he is the worse culprit here, as being the one in a relationship he should take responsibility and care not to hurt your feelings (as long as they are reasonable, and they seem to be). Have to be honest - sounds like you deserve better!

[talaniman]

While they have lied about the true nature of their past relationship, he did come clean, and has changed a lot to make you feel a bit better. You didn't cost him a friend, he made a choice to keep you. You have obviously become more important than a past friend, and an ex. I think if he continues as he has and leaves her alone, there is a chance for fun and romance. And maybe communications can be made.

[I wish]

If you believe that he's owning up to his mistake and making sufficient progress in repairing your trust, I don't see why you wouldn't give him another chance. Nobody's perfect.

However, if you aren't satisfied with his effort, then it's better to go your separate way, so that you don't continue to torture yourself.

[Phoenix25]

Threads merged and edited

I put up with them texing each other and not knowing that they used to be "together. I wasn't crazy about him texing all the time but I wasn't so upset cause I was talking to her too (I knew her too).And he stopped talking to her and deleted her off Facebook and his phone. But now she broke up with her current boyfriend and messages him on Facebook (and I think on the mobile as well but my boyfriend says its not her) and then he adds her back on. And now I feel like a piece of crap cause he told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore and didn't want to be friends with her anymore then the next morning they are friends again. He knows how bad I feel about this and yet.. . Its like he didn't even think about how much this would hurt me he just added her back anyway. I don't know what to do?? :'( I love him with all my heart but I don't know how much more my heart can take. I don't want him to think Im being mean. Do I have a right to be upset and angry? I have tried talking to her but she just says well he's my friend so what? I am so hurt.

[dynocompe]

I think you have every right to be upset. They were hiding the fact they were ex;s for a reason. He and she are both playing yoU!
She is probably using you for information on your guys relationship, so she gets to know what she needs to know.
I think it's a bad situation to be in, and I would just get out!
Your not ever going to get a fair chance at your relationship with him, with her still in the picture. I would cut all ties with him, and he needs to figure out what he wants! Be clear to him, what he is doing is wrong, and you were being lied to this whole time, and obviously for a reason!
If he comes back to you, without her in the picture, then you can decide if you want to pursue again. But right now I would just let him go, find a guy who just wants you, not his ex;s as well

[talaniman]

If your not comfortable being with a guy who is friendly with his ex, that's one thing. Continuing to be upset is another, given you have as much access to her as he does, and have given him the signal your okay with it, you either accept it, or leave, but you better understand why he kept this from you in the first place, because he knew you would be upset. ( I would be too!)

He was right. But I will say after only 10 months together, it unrealistic for him to change his life for someone he is getting to know, and doesn't know what the future holds, but at the same time its obvious you cannot handle him being friends with an ex, at all, and that's what counts, so make a decision because I doubt he wants to change, and she certainly doesn't.

If this situation is going to make you jealous, and insecure, then you should go, period. Not worth it. You tried.

[Space Dreamer]

Do you know the ex girlfriend? She might be trying to get back with him, especially since he has been seeing you. I would not like to compete with an ex for a current partner. You have a right to know the truth.

[Phoenix25]

I became friends with her after I got with him. If I knew it was an ex I would never have tried to become friends!! I never wanted to be the girlfriend friends with the ex.

[Space Dreamer]

He should have you told you that she was an ex right away to be honest. If he stopped talking to her then that's good for your relationship.

[Phoenix25]

But now he has started talking to her again.. .

[amicon]

It's up to you to make the choice whether you can handle the situation.

If you cant,you shouldn't be with him,as I don't think he will change.

[Larken85]

See he probably said he would stop talking to her and meant it when he said it. However guys can easily be pressured into things by girls especially if the girl makes him feel bad. Some men are naturally prone to serving and protecting and in this case it seems like he told her he had to stop talking to her and she got upset and hurt making the boyfriend feel very guilty. Once the guilt is in his mind it is easy to persuade him to think the same way as you. Two can play at that game phoenix. However in my opinion its not worth your time, you are the only one that can decide that. The Ex, does sound like she is trying to win him back if she hasn't already had him again (hate to suggest that) . He is not fighting it so much probably because he thinks he is being either smooth and can't get caught, or he just loves the attention from two women. I know I have expierenced that type of attention and although it is always short lived as women hate sharing for obvious reasons it was too tempting to pass up. In my case I ended up losing both girls, in his case it doesn't seem like he will lose both girls. Seems more like he may even be keeping her on back up but don't quote me on that one.

[Larken85]

But as to whether you should stay with him if he will not drop her... I would say not. Like I said they are way too close to be just friends for long. And I have a feeling that it wouldn't take much of a push to make the two connect again. I would leave, make him understand what he is missing, and then if he learns his lesson I might take him back. But like I said it is your choice and it always will be. Remember that he isn't the only guy out there and you're probably not done dating so at the moment you really should just consider it all just to be fun practice for marriage later. After all that is all dating is usually, practice.

[talaniman]

I think her breaking up with her boyfriend is the monkey that wrecked this situation.