[rahluraj]

Hi
Our marriage is 10 months old and she is pregnant few days back she accidentally opened her mailbox in front of me and afterward casually said my boyfriend is also getting married, when I went into details I found she had a relationship to which she said no initially but then after much talks she accepted that it was for 1.5 yrs and that they broke off 2 yrs before our marriage I feel she had physical relationships with him on the basis that they lived in a big city and had all the opportunity to do it which she again denies but since she lied to me once before I am not able to believe her the thought that she had all this in her past constantly runs through my mind and doesn't let me concentrate on anything I know knowing it would not help but what do I do to come out of this and lead a normal life again...

Please help me to overcome this.what do I do to accept or forget it?

[JoeCanada76]

It is the past, right? If it is the past why are you looking at it so much? Why are you married with her if you can not overcome it?

What exactly is the issue or problem?

[Rich11111]

It is the past, right? If it is the past why are you looking at it so much? Why are you married with her if you can not overcome it?

What exactly is the issue or problem?

Jesushelper76
He found out a few days ago, it isn't the past for him.

rahluraj
How long were the two of you together before you get married? Why did she cheat and why did they break it off? Why did she say her "boyfriend" and not "ex-boyfriend?

I personally don't think I could forgive an affair of 1.5 years but in order to give a real opinion we need more information as to what actually happened.

[JoeCanada76]

Well I only read the one post from him and they combined all his threads after I answered. I had no clue, just going by the post that I did read.

[Jake2008]

"They broke off 2 yrs before our marriage" I realize that sometimes sharing your past boyfriends/girlfriends can be a bit of a shocker, it was in the past, the long ago past, and long ago forgotten until now. She didn't mention it because it was not relevant to her life anymore, and it shouldn't be considered a fault by you!

Is she obligated to disclose all of her history in great detail to you? Are you some sort of God sitting in judgment of her?

I think you need to get a grip here, and stop making such a mountain out of a mole hill. It's just ridiculous in my opinion.

[Rich11111]

"They broke off 2 yrs before our marriage" I realize that sometimes sharing your past boyfriends/girlfriends can be a bit of a shocker, it was in the past, the long ago past, and long ago forgotten until now. She didn't mention it because it was not relevant to her life anymore, and it shouldn't be considered a fault by you!

Is she obligated to disclose all of her history in great detail to you? Are you some sort of God sitting in judgment of her?

I think you need to get a grip here, and stop making such a mountain out of a mole hill. It's just ridiculous in my opinion.

She still cheated on him for one and a half years, and like I said it isn't the past for him.
I don't think she should be let off the hook just because she managed to successfully hide it.

I'm saying this on the basis that since is says affair in the title rahluraj and the her were a couple at the time and she cheated on him for 1.5 years.
If this other man is an ex boyfriend she had before rahluraj and her became a couple then I agree with you that it should be left in the past.
As I said this needs to be explained better.

[Gemini54]

I suspect that in his culture sex before marriage may not be totally acceptable (for women anyway).

To the OP - if you wife says she hasn't had sexual relations with her ex BF, then you need to accept that. However, she may also be saying this to make you feel better.

So you have 2 options - you continue to make a fuss and worry about something that you can't change, or you take a deep breath and accept that whatever happened it's in the past and now you need to look to the future.

Your wife is with you, I assume she loves you and you're expecting a child together. Focus on that, not on the thoughts that are in your head. You thoughts will only make you feel worse, think about your work, your baby and your family. Eventually you'll forget about it.

[0rphan]

From what I have read ,there is only one post.

Just to clarify...

This wasn't an affair as it was 2 years before they married, they have been married ten months , so we are talking about a relationship nearly 3 years ago.

What I am not clear on is,.

Raluraj, were you and your now wife together as partners, at the time of this other boyfriend?

If so then that is cheating and will be difficult to come to terms with.

On the other hand, if you were not together at this time, then this is in your wife's past, so she has not cheated on you.

It seems from your post that you are assuming her to be guilty, because of where she lived at the time, you do not have any reason other than the fact that the opportunity was there, which isn't really a reason.

You say she has lied before, when her letter arrived from her ex and you asked about him, she probably thought it wasn't important now, so denied it.

OK she should have been honest but she's not with him now, so he doesn't figure in her life, your more important which is why she's with you.

Don't ruin all of your lives by dwelling on what happened in the past.. it's gone

[Fr_Chuck]

It is not an affair, it may have been a relationship before you meet her.

There is nothing to forgive and nothing to get over, it is really none of your business since it was before you meet her.

You go on as it was

[Cat1864]

Semantics and language barriers may be coming into play on this question.

There are other meanings for the word 'affair' than having a liaison with someone outside of a committed relationship (otherwise known as 'cheating'). Another meaning is 'a romantic or passionate attachment typically of a limited duration' as it is used in the movie title An Affair to Remember.

rahluraj, were you a couple when she had the relationship with her ex? Did you think that you were her first 'boyfriend'? If you had known that she had a previous boyfriend (whether they had intercourse or not), would it have affected what you thought about her when you did get together? Is that why she would have kept that information from you? Is this an arranged marriage? If so, when was it arranged?

Do you love your wife and your unborn child? If so, then keep in mind that she is married to you not the other person. Just because you know more about her past now does not change who she is as a person.

[talaniman]

she accepted that it was for 1.5 yrs and that they broke off 2 yrs before our marriage I feel she had physical relationships with him on the basis that they lived in a big city and had all the opportunity to do it which she again denies but since she lied to me once before I am not able to believe her the thought that she had all this in her past constantly runs through my mind

You are clearly building things up in your mind, that I suspect are more based in fear, and ego, rather than facts. Unless you were a virgin, when you married, stop torturing yourself over this. You are letting something small cause you big problems, and with a pregnant wife, that can't be good.

Now get over yourself, and talk to your wife, and believe her. She dated someone else, so what? Was she supposed to just sit, and wait for her true love?

You have no facts only hurt feelings, so work together, and talk, and listen, and get the facts, and grow the freak up, and handle this like a mature grown man.

Not some young kid, who has hissy fits, when met with issues that can be resolved, through honest communications. That's what marriage is about, working together through all kinds of difficult times, so you both can enjoy true happiness.

[rahluraj]

From what i have read ,there is only one post.

Just to clarify...........

This wasn't an affair as it was 2 years before they married, they have been married ten months , so we are talking about a relationship nearly 3 years ago.

What i am not clear on is,...

raluraj, were you and your now wife together as partners, at the time of this other boyfriend?

If so then that is cheating and will be difficult to come to terms with.

On the other hand, if you were not together at this time, then this is in your wifes past, so she has not cheated on you.

It seems from your post that you are assuming her to be guilty, because of where she lived at the time, you do not have any reason other than the fact that the opportunity was there, which isn't really a reason.

You say she has lied before, when her letter arrived from her ex and you asked about him, she probably thought it wasn't important now, so denied it.

OK she should have been honest but she's not with him now, so he doesn't figure in her life, your more important which is why she's with you.

Don't ruin all of your lives by dwelling on what happened in the past..it's gone

Thanks for your reply.well to begin with I never mentioned that she cheated on me we had an arranged marriage that's perfectly right and I agree to what ever you say as well but the fact is that I had mentioned this to her before marriage that I am not intrested in the past and that even if there is one don't bring it up because it creates problems in the future & never did I tried to find out any such thing.. my problem is that when all this came up she said she always wanted to share this with me and that she would have even if this would had not happened but opposited to it when I gave her the opportunity to speak the truth , she lied and now when she says that there was nothing physical we didn't even hugh each other never kissed never went out for a movie or to a restaurant meet only a few times! I am unable to believe her on two grounds first that she lied to me initially and secondly it sounds a little strange that in 1.5 yrs nothing happened so I asked her what was the meaning of that relationship, to which she has no answer. I just want an advice as to what do I do to come out of all this ASAP.. Thanks

[rahluraj]

You are clearly building things up in your mind, that I suspect are more based in fear, and ego, rather than facts. Unless you were a virgin, when you married, stop torturing yourself over this. You are letting something small cause you big problems, and with a pregnant wife, that can't be good.

Now get over yourself, and talk to your wife, and believe her. She dated someone else, so what? Was she supposed to just sit, and wait for her true love?

You have no facts only hurt feelings, so work together, and talk, and listen, and get the facts, and grow the freak up, and handle this like a mature grown man.

Not some young kid, who has hissy fits, when met with issues that can be resolved, thru honest communications. Thats what marriage is about, working together thru all kinds of difficult times, so you both can enjoy true happiness.

Hey thanks for that I guess that's the answer probebly I was looking for but I guess deep down inside I have the same feeling but the problem is that whenever I see anything related to that incident my thought process gets activated and it just goes on and on , how can I get it out of my mind let me know!

[rahluraj]

It is the past, right? If it is the past why are you looking at it so much? Why are you married with her if you can not overcome it?

What exactly is the issue or problem?

I understand what you say and to be frank I feel the same way but its not easy to accept it because I never expected it from her specially considering the family background she come from. Also it has something to do with my college days when we use to chat among friends about marriage this use to be a point of discussion and the biggest fear as far as marriage was considered that what if your wife has an past and that they were involved in every possible way, it some how created an phobia in me with this issue and it has been always been like that with me, so for me its like an nightmare come true. Secondly I want to believe her but I am not able to do that as she has already lied to me about it once before and the thing that hurts me that most is that, things have changed between us at least from my point of view since this incident .it has shaken me inside out and thus the fear factor is there

[rahluraj]

It is the past, right? If it is the past why are you looking at it so much? Why are you married with her if you can not overcome it?

What exactly is the issue or problem?

Thanks for the book I'll rty and read it

[talaniman]

You let it go, like any mature man would, and believe your wife. Of course she can't answer what meeting this guy was because it meant nothing as nothing happened. Its really sounds like a friendship the way you wrote it.

You need to recognize its you who are putting this strange thoughts in your own head, and making nothing into something, that's really meaningless.

Now you can continue to let yourself be carried away, and let this build in you, or you can get control, relax, and just believe her. Are the females of your culture not allowed to date, have male friends, or even suitors? Is she on such a high pedestal, she cannot fart without shame? Come on guy, there is much you will learn about her as time goes by, and she will learn much about you as well, and what if she finds out what an immature idiot you are, and loses respect because you are not fair, nor have any self control, compassion, or can't even give her the benefit of a doubt. What is this, your first relationship or something. Maybe its you who are not ready for a mature adult relationship, let alone marriage to a mature woman. How is this her fault?

[Cat1864]

i understand what you say and to be frank i feel the same way but its not easy to accept it coz i never expected it from her specially considering the family background she come from. also it has something to do with my college days when we use to chat among friends about marriage this use to be a point of discussion and the biggest fear as far as marriage was considerd that what if your wife has an past and that they were involved in every possible way, it some how created an phobia in me with this issue and it has been always been like that with me, so for me its like an nightmare come true. secondly i want to belive her but i am not able to do that as she has already lied to me about it once before and the thing that hurts me that most is that, things have changed between us atleast from my point of view since this incident .it has shaken me inside out and thus the fear factor is there

rahluraj, can you look at it from her point of view for just a moment? You talk about discussions that you had with college friends where the topic of a wife with a 'past' inspired fear. Think about how her discussions with friends might have gone when the topic was telling your betrothed/husband about your past.

There have been women who posted on AMHD wanting to know how to tell their betrothed about their pasts and talking about how afraid they were of the reaction to their 'confessions'. She may have her own phobia about talking to you about her past. She may have lied or just not told you about the ex-boyfriend out of fear.

Fear has you wanting answers that satisfy your needs. She may have answered truthfully about nothing happening between them sexually. To satisfy your need, how detailed does she have to get about the relationship? Do you really need to know if she held his hand or gave him a kiss on the cheek? Those details only feed the fear causing it to grow bigger. The bigger it grows the more damage it will do your marriage.

Let the fear go. Let the past go. Hers and your's.

Look at what you have in the present-her as your wife and mother of the future that you are building together.

[talaniman]

I think your attitude should be gratitude, at having a great partner, and apologizing to her for questioning her integrity before you were married, and promise her you will try very hard to be the kind of husband that will try to make her not only happy, but proud. Then work hard to overcome your own fears, and INSECURITIES, that's what a mature man would do.

A mature man makes his spouse feel as if she can be open about anything that may bother her, because that's how couples bond, through honest communications, TRUST, and adversity.

This is an ongoing process, and in time you will get there if you start now. Think before you speak, or act, so you do not over react with impulsive hurtful words, or actions.

[rahluraj]

You are clearly building things up in your mind, that I suspect are more based in fear, and ego, rather than facts. Unless you were a virgin, when you married, stop torturing yourself over this. You are letting something small cause you big problems, and with a pregnant wife, that can't be good.

Now get over yourself, and talk to your wife, and believe her. She dated someone else, so what? Was she supposed to just sit, and wait for her true love?

You have no facts only hurt feelings, so work together, and talk, and listen, and get the facts, and grow the freak up, and handle this like a mature grown man.

Not some young kid, who has hissy fits, when met with issues that can be resolved, thru honest communications. Thats what marriage is about, working together thru all kinds of difficult times, so you both can enjoy true happiness.

Hello
Thanks for you valuable reply..
I know that whatever I am thinking is baseless and may not be true but the problem that I am facing is that I don't want to create any situation which will worsen the problem but at the same time these thoughts are making me sick when ever I am alone I think the same thing
Whenever she says something I feel as if its been said by her before to someone else
It makes me feel sad that she had an relationship because I never looked at her that way I always had a clean image of her in my mind which unfortunately is shaken!
I never tried to find anything on my own because I believed her
And my biggest fear is that what if this thing contineus for life and that if I am not able to forget it.
The other day she show me his photo in our own wedding reception album!it felt really terrible
Tell me how do I get it of my mind!

[talaniman]

You have to make adjustments to your thinking, and every time these images invade your thoughts, replace them with the positive ones, that she brings to your life. Above all, THINK before you act, or speak, as blurting out your insecurities, when your angry, or stressed, can only hurt her, and that's not an option.

We all have to make adjustments when we get married, so recognize this is your problem, and never make it hers.

It's a process that takes time, and explaining it to her without, anger and fear, and reassuring her that your working on it may help, but do keep working, and learn to cope with your own thinking, and the feelings they make you feel.

There will be many challenges to face, in the coming years, and adjustments to make. This is but the first, and sorry, sometimes there are no short cuts, you just have to keep working on yourself.

And for God sake, stop referring to this as an affair, it wasn't, and stop thinking more happened when it didn't. Trust her because you love her.