[graduate2life]

Hello everybody :).. I am here for some advice and brainstorming regarding marital compatibility between people who are 10-15 years apart in age.

A little background on me. I am an educated female in early 30's. I am hoping to find someone and get married in due course of time. I have had a stable relationship for several years in my late 20's, but it did not work out. I have been single since my break up from that relationship, to overcome it and work on my professional life, and have been maintaining emotional independence to recover from the previous break. I feel I am ready to move in my life now, and find a stable relationship and a future husband.

My problem is unlike when I was in my 20's, all my friends and age mates are pretty much in stable relationships & marriages. I know I need to work on meeting new people and perhaps a change of place would do good in this respect. At the same time even when I do find someone single at my age, I tend to feel incompatible with people my age. I am beginning to observe that the women who marry in 30's have to look at prospective matches beyond their immediate circle/age.

My question is what are the challenges I should expect, for example, if I am dating someone 40-45 years or 10+ years senior. If you have any experience please share. Also, men are welcome to give their opinion on what they find pleasing or annoying when they date a woman 10-15 years younger to them.

It's a simple query, but personal experiences would add a great deal to my outlook. I will greatly appreciate any thoughts, and your time in reading and answering this.

[JudyKayTee]

I've posted this before - when I was in my 20's I was madly in love with someone who was many years my senior. His children were older than me. We had a great relationship in all areas BUT he had already had children, had lived in a house with a picket fence, had owned a dog. He wanted to live in the City, in an apartment or condo, not have children, travel.

I wanted kids, a picket fence, a dog. I wanted a family - desperately.

We couldn't resolve that one factor in our relationship and I moved on. It was a very sad breakup but neither one of us would budge and I didn't think either one of us would change. He went on to marry and divorce and did not have children.

I went on to marry, divorce, remarry and be widowed - and I never had children of my own! I did marry a man with children so I am a stepmother and I am engaged to a man with children - and grandchildren!

Life is strange.

I don't know that our relationship was good because he was older or simply because we were compatible but he was a good teacher (for lack of a better word) in many aspects of my life and I look back on those years very fondly.

He enjoyed my youth and I enjoyed his experience - and we were a good match.

[graduate2life]

Thanks to Judy for sharing her experience. Indeed, life is strange. We just cannot plan it as thoroughly as we wish. Wish you the best, Judy.

I read a few posts displayed on the right side of this column and gleaned the following categories of problems may arise:

1. Discrepancy in decisions regarding kids and other choices , as Judy mentioned
2. Social scene of spouses, how and where they want to be everyday
3. Energy levels (as someone said, not stamina, but energy)
4. Retirement / post retirement choices / one is working other wants to travel etc.
5. Levels of understanding about themselves and what they want, and life in general
6. Acceptance of family & friends, and how do you integrate with them as a couple
7. In addition, someone pointed out, there could be a problem with the guy (his maturity) if he is seeking a woman much under his age. So what are the reasons of a potential partners to be matched with someone of a widely different age should be reasoned as well.

This is pretty much all I have gathered to take note of. And indeed valuable information.

Any more opinions , thoughts, experiences... stories..

[graduate2life]

I forgot to mention that a post opined that relationship where age difference is wide (even slightly wide) results in mimicking a parent-child relationship, which is not very attractive.

Is there a way not to let any relationship turn out that way, especially when the age difference is wide? It is only natural that the person with more experience will gather more control from the start (?) and eventually the relationship dynamics gravitate towards 'parenting' the younger/less-aware person.

[Fr_Chuck]

Age difference, social or economic difference, religion difference, are just that issues that have to be addressed. In any relationship, communication is the key, and defining each others role in the relationship.

[JudyKayTee]

I forgot to mention that a post opined that relationship where age difference is wide (even slightly wide) results in mimicking a parent-child relationship, which is not very attractive.

Is there a way not to let any relationship turn out that way, especially when the age difference is wide? It is only natural that the person with more experience will gather more control from the start (?) and eventually the relationship dynamics gravitate towards 'parenting' the younger/less-aware person.

I think like all issues in a marriage you have to be on the alert that this does NOT happen -

I did find that my friends found his friends "old and boring" and so I saw very little of my friends and that was somewhat painful.

Also friends my age could not financially keep up with my much older boyfriend. This often became an issue if dinner were involved - his budget and theirs were very different.

[Devorameira]

Age itself isn't that great of a factor in compatibility. A strong connection is what keeps relationships going. With an age difference, you should make sure the connection is there early on and that both people feel it. A solely physical connection won't cut it. Make sure you each can understand where the other is in life. You may be wanting children while an older man may have already been married and had kids, so he may feel like he’s already “been there and done that”.

Finding love is hard enough without playing the numbers game. I think it’s fine to date an older man, We know relationships with age differences do work - look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, as well as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes! It appears that their relationship are working out perfectly. :)

[Alty]

This is a very interesting question.

I don't have any experience dating a man much older then me, I married at 24 to a man 2 months older then me.

I know there are quite a few men on this site who are married to women up to 20 years younger then them and their marriages are wonderful.

I think it really depends on the people involved, your wants, needs, future desires. If you are both in the same frame of mind, want the same things, then I think it can work.

Like Chuck said, communication is key in any relationship, no matter how old you are.

I hope you find what you're looking for. :)

[Stringer]

This is a very interesting question.

I don't have any experience dating a man much older then me, I married at 24 to a man 2 months older then me.

I know there are quite a few men on this site who are married to women up to 20 years younger then them and their marriages are wonderful.

I think it really depends on the people involved, your wants, needs, future desires. If you are both in the same frame of mind, want the same things, then I think it can work.

Like Chuck said, communication is key in any relationship, no matter how old you are.

I hope you find what you're looking for. :)

Had to spread that reppy thingy Alty. If you were referring to me and my lovely wife as being in a wonderful relationship, I thank you, it is true.

[Stringer]

All the advice given in the other posts are true Graduate. My experience has been wonderful, simply the best and there are exactly 20 years difference. There is nothing more that I want and my wife and I have had many deep talks and I believe she feels the same too.

I believe that your age means a lot, if a younger person is young say 20-22 and the is a difference of 10, 15 or even 20 years maturity has a strong bearing. Also visa versa, if the older person is too set in their ways that is also a big negative.

I was divorced for 18 years before I met my wife and I have two kids with four grandkids.

I was dating a lot of women of different ages and thought that I would never find someone to really love. My wife was 33 when we married , she has an 'old experienced soul' and I have trouble keeping 'that kid' in me in check.

We have a successful loving relationship and financial life and our one sorrow is that we couldn't have a child together (spent over $50,000.00 finding that out). That part was rough on both of us. But we survived it and we are doing great, we are very, very happy. I thought that I knew what love was but I didn't until I fell in love with her.

She wanted to go back to college, she is, she wanted to bring her sister her from Europe, she did. And I have everything that I could desire in our relationship for the last 11 years and it just gets better.

This is our experience, both have to love each other and make adjustments and the experience can be very good.

Stringer

[dynocompe]

If this older man is rich, people will judge you as a gold digger and just waiting for him to croak

[Stringer]

If this older man is rich, people will judge you as a gold digger and jsut waiting for him to croak

Not in all cases Dyno, in fact I have never had a hostess ask to seat me and my daughter, not once... :) I know the stereotypes that Hollywood projects to everyone but it is all in who you are and how you 'carry' yourselves. She never makes me feel old, then again I have been told that I pass for 10 years younger anyway... ;)

[Stringer]

Thanks Alty, I have been in a love daze for 11 years. I light up when I see her, I can't imagine my life without her.

[graduate2life]

Age difference, social or economic difference, religion difference, are just that issues that have to be addressed. In any relationship, communication is the key, and defining each others role in the relationship.

Communication indeed is the key, but I fear would be so hard to achieve if you are coming from 2 different places. Therefore, I am just attempting to understand your experiences beforehand. Thanks for your response, it helps!

[graduate2life]

I hope you find what you're looking for. :)

Thanks for your good wishes! :)

[graduate2life]

My experience has been wonderful, simply the best and there are exactly 20 years difference.

It is wonderful to hear of your good experience! Plus you give me man's perspective :)

I was divorced for 18 years before I met my wife and I have two kids with four grandkids. I was dating a lot of women of different ages and thought that I would never find someone to really love. My wife was 33 when we married , she has an 'old experienced soul' and I have trouble keeping 'that kid' in me in check.

Indeed, your wife must be so special to you if it took you so long to want to remarry. Also, it seems you have a deeper appreciation to each other's personalities and what you bring to each other's lives. Perfect!
After all every relationship in the end has to achieve that balance, and you have found it!

Thank you for responding and sharing your positive experience.All the best.

[graduate2life]

If this older man is rich, people will judge you as a gold digger and jsut waiting for him to croak

I am not a gold digger, I can assure you :). I like your no nonsense response. ;)

[graduate2life]

Stringer: It has been eleven years since you have married. Clearly you have a happy relationship which has love, appreciation and care for each other. If you can remember, what was it in the beginning that attracted you to your spouse? You said you had dated women in those 18 years, but you did not find love till you met your wonderful wife. I would really like to know what make her stand out in the beginning. I hope you can recollect!

[Stringer]

Wow Graduate that is a tough one. But I'll give it a shot.

I think originally as in most instances it is a delightful physical attraction and each person has their own list of features that attracts them to someone. With my wife the very first thing was those large dark sexy eyes, they speak volumes. And she is a master at using them. This along with her natural beauty, personality, caring attitude, general friendliness, positive nature, etc. She also cares about herself, she works out almost daily and is thirsty for knowledge. And in most issues we are kindred.

At first we got along great but after a few months I wanted more and we talked about it. She said that she cared a lot and enjoyed being with me but she wasn't sure yet. I had been in many 'relationships' since my divorce some for several years. And at some point in all these I asked myself can I spend the rest of my life with this person... and the answer was always no. When she said that she needed time that became a challenge to me. I needed to prove to her that I was serious as h3ll about her.

This progressively took me four years before we married. We moved in together after six months and it was wonderful, three and a half years later she said 'yes.'

Literally, this was the best choice that the two of us ever made. I really am the luckiest guy around.

She is supportive in all that I do and every day we tell and show each other that we love each other.

Every time we separate for the day or before we go to sleep we tell each other.

I know, this sounds like some romance novel... well I guess it kind of is... we are happy.

A long time ago a mentor asked me what I wanted in life. And after some thought I said I just want to be truly happy... I am, we are.

Stringer

[JudyKayTee]

If this older man is rich, people will judge you as a gold digger and jsut waiting for him to croak

I do not believe this is true, not at all. I find the "waiting for him to croak" language to be offensive.

My husband was older, very gray haired, distinguished - on one occasion a waitress asked him (I had gone to the ladies room) if "his daughter" (me) would like another cup of coffee. We laughed about it.

I am not aware of anyone judging me as a gold digger nor was I waiting for him to "croak," to use your words.

This is offensive to anyone married to someone who is older. I WILL add that if you marry a much older person you have to be prepared to outlive that person, more prepared than if you are the same age.

On a personal note - a person claiming to be financial advisor says "rich" and not "wealthy"? Got to wonder about that.