[PatBateman]

This doesn't have anything to do with me specifically, but with all these threads about ex's wanting you back, or you wanting your ex back, is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex?

I mean, people grow apart, people change their minds back and forth, and certain events in life may rekindle feelings for someone in the past. Perhaps even a chance meeting, leading to coffee or lunch, may start up something which both parties thought had been put to rest. The thing is, reunions/second rounds DO HAPPEN, but the question is, is it healthy?

It's portrayed in movies all the time, and though movies should no way be taken as a map for conducting one's actions in real life, it's interesting how getting the ex back/second chances are the "happy endings" in movies. Perhaps there is a hidden, subconcious truth to this portrayal?

So for those of you who broke up, got dumped, or simply grew apart, do you think getting back with your ex is a possibility? A healthy one? Could it even be healthy?

Discuss!

[BlazingCold]

It depends on the people involved, but more often than not, it isn't a good idea. If the 2 people involved both felt that they couldn't invest their all into the relationship, and left amicably, there is a possibility. Otherwise, it's better to just move on and find someone else.

Personally speaking, My ex left me a month ago, giving me the usual lines. I haven't spoken to her since. At first, I wanted nothing more than to get her back, but she left, and there was nothing I could do about it. If we met up in some way, I wouldn't be angry or hurt (I've dealt with all of that too much already), just nice to her. Getting back with her isn't a possibility as she has just started dating again. Even if she wasn't, I wouldn't because I have to focus on myself and make me a better overall person, and not fall into the traps that led to the end of my last relationship.

In most cases, getting back with an ex will only cause both of you more grief and anguish. But there are a select few where it can work out.

[Geoffersonairplane]

This doesn't have anything to do with me specifically, but with all these threads about ex's wanting you back, or you wanting your ex back, is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex?

I mean, people grow apart, people change their minds back and forth, and certain events in life may rekindle feelings for someone in the past. Perhaps even a chance meeting, leading to coffee or lunch, may start up something which both parties thought had been put to rest. The thing is, reunions/second rounds DO HAPPEN, but the question is, is it healthy?

It's portrayed in movies all the time, and though movies should no way be taken as a map for conducting one's actions in real life, it's interesting how getting the ex back/second chances are the "happy endings" in movies. Perhaps there is a hidden, subconcious truth to this portrayal?

So for those of you who broke up, got dumped, or simply grew apart, do you think getting back with your ex is a possibility? A healthy one? Could it even be healthy?

Discuss!

I think that getting back with an ex is possible, in some cases depending on the circumstances surrrounding the breakup. You need to think about why it all ended in the first place... There is a reason why relationships end and before you can understand what caused the breakup, it would be unwise to even contemplate getting back with an ex because it may be something to do with the way you behaved.

For all the advice and support I have been given on here, I strongly object to thinking in this way, hoping and pondering on the possibilities of reconciliation. I spent the first 2 months doing this after my breakup and it did nothing to help me open my eyes to the reality of the situation.

She is gone, it is over!!

O.K. Yes, there is always a chance that it will happen but living with this hope, waiting, can only hurt you more. You should spend more of your time thinking about how you can improve yourself rather than dwelling on the past and holding on to hope.

Is it healthy to get back with an ex? Probably not unless you (both) have made reasonable improvements or changes to yourselves so that you can make a fresh start free of the mistakes or issues from the past.. If neither of you is any different in terms of development or emotional maturity, then the reconciliation will just end in another failure.

You should never live with the hope that someone will come back into your life, you should live for yourself and for the future that will be, even if that does not include your ex.

For me, I will personally find Christmas and the New Year difficult because I spent the last 3 with my ex and this year I won't be around her. There is a possibility that I will slip back slightly and may wish she was there with me but I know there are a few others on this forum who will be going through the same thing, and yourself too I would imagine?

The hardest thing is to let go of this hope that the ex will come back, but it is essential that we all do this so that we can begin the healing process.

Sorry about the long answer, I get carried away!!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Personally speaking, My ex left me a month ago, giving me the usual lines. I haven't spoken to her since. At first, I wanted nothing more than to get her back, but she left, and there was nothing I could do about it. If we met up in some way, I wouldn't be angry or hurt (I've dealt with all of that too much already), just nice to her. Getting back with her isn't a possibility as she has just started dating again. Even if she wasn't, I wouldn't because I have to focus on myself and make me a better overall person, and not fall into the traps that led to the end of my last relationship.

Blaze,

I am impressed with how far you have come since a month ago. It really does sound like you are making progress and have followed the advice you have been given!

Keep it up!

Oh, and keep up the advice you are posting.. Not only is the advice good, but you are also expressing yourself and in doing so, you are actually helping yourself along too...

It's Great!

[tadano]

Is it healthy to get back with an ex? Probably not unless you (both) have made reasonable improvements or changes to yourselves so that you can make a fresh start free of the mistakes or issues from the past.. If neither of you is any different in terms of development or emotional maturity, then the reconciliation will just end in another failure.

The problem is it's all but impossible to "start over" with an ex. There's too much history there. You can pretend, but in the end all you're doing is hiding feelings, and that's never healthy.

I do think it's possible to get back together, but it has to be relatively soon after and the circumstances have to be just about perfect. Because every single day following the breakup you grow a little bit farther apart, and after a while, the gap becomes too great. It's impossible to stay in love with someone that you never see or talk to... eventually, all feelings dull and eventually fade away.

[Wildcat21]

It's a great idea IF there wasn't any lying, cheating, abuse (verbal as well), drugs and alcohol abuse.

But you need to figure out what pushed her away. Genrally it's insecurities and smothering.

I think you can fall in love again - but both sides need to change and work at it.

[Wildcat21]

No - it is healthy - people get back together every day.

[Geoffersonairplane]

It's a great idea IF there wasn't any lying, cheating, abuse (verbal as well), drugs and alcohol abuse.

But you need to figure out what pushed her away. Genrally it's insecurities and smothering.

I think you can fall in love again - but both sides need to change and work at it.

Good points raised here..

I wanted to add though that once you have actually worked ou what it is that pushed them away and focused on you, at some point you may get to a stage where you don't actually want the ex back.

[BlazingCold]

Good points raised here..

I wanted to add though that once you haev actually worked ou what it is that pushed them awaya and focused on you, at soem point you may get to a stage where you don't actually want the ex back.

Geoff,

Thanks for the encouragement. The advice here is excellent, and it's made me into a better person already. Life isn't so scary anymore.

Great point. If the problem lies with you (insecurities and smothering were my problems) and you make a concerted effort to change, you may find that your ex is not longer appealing to you. I feel that I'm reaching that place, I'll always love her, but it's better for me to move on and find someone who really will be in love with me.

[Wildcat21]

If you get together ever again - you need to sit down and talk - for a long time. Set boundries. It can't back to what it was.

[BIM]

I don't think people should get back together. My experience, things ALWAYS go back to the way the were. People need to do some major changing for something to work again.

Personally-----I wouldn't go back, nor would I encourage anyone to do the same. :rolleyes:

[Geoffersonairplane]

I feel that I'm reaching that place, I'll always love her, but it's better for me to move on and find someone who really will be in love with me.

Yes, you will most likely always love her in a way. She was your first real love (I believe) and has a deep residency in your heart.

I don't believe in the idea of falling in love only once in life. I do believe in learning from love though and that is what you, me, Skell, wap and others are all doing or have done at some point in their lives.

You are coming along well Blaze, just like I was (am)... There will be ups and downs I don't doubt for both of us but like I have said before, I have great confidence in TIME!

[phillysteakandcheese]

It might just be semantics, but I think labelling someone as your "ex" means that there's no going back.

That person became an "ex" for a reason. There is always a negative connotation when talking about an "ex" because there was a problem that required the relationship to end.

So... getting back with an "ex" is almost always a bad idea...

[Allheart]

I think anything is possible when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sometimes a break is good for the two to go in opposite directions, experience and learn things as individuals and I am sure there have been instances where the two roads once again joined as one. I think the important thing here is that when the two do break up, that each of them take time to heal and not look back or wait for the other to return thereby inhibiting their personal growth.

As the others have said, it depends on how the break-up was handled and on the two individuals.

[Skell]

Everyone has offered some great points here so I don't have much more to add.

I just hope Pat there isn't a hidden agenda behind this question.

And that being that you are pining away and hoping that your ex will come back to you? I'm not saying it is, but it forms part of my answer. Because doing that is a recipe for more hurt.

It isn't impossible but I agree that in most cases it is probably not a good idea.

In most cases the dumpee has to accept that it is over and move on before there is any chance that something may happen again..

Because once the dumpee has done so it means they have most likely evolved into a person that will be healthy and comfortable in a relationship again. Basically they have changed and grown. Which is the only way people will ever get back successfully, is when one or both parties has changed for the better.

But it is most likely that once that change has occurred that either one or both parties are at a point where they don't want the ex back, either because through healthy grieving and reflection they have acknowledged that it didn't work for a reason and there would be npo point trying again, or because they have found someone even better who makes them even happier.

This seems to be the general pattern that I see!

[valinors_sorrow]

I got back with my boyfriend after a separation where he moved out, but we had not labeled each other as ex's yet. We were not defined as single again. And even with that, it was difficult since we had to slog our way through what separated us in the first place. Nothing else matters when we got back together except that. It was like a boulder in the path. I think some people want to get back together and have the little birdies sing and the sun break through the clouds and aaaaah, we've in love once again--- NOT!!

For anyone contemplating getting back together again, here are some things you'll need to be crystal clear on:
1. Do you know exactly what the problem was?
2. Would you both agree to that too?
3. What are your plans for addressing that problem?
4. Would you both agree to that too?
5. Do you know how to conduct yourself with each other in the meantime, while its being worked out?
6. Do you both agree to that too?

Starting to get the picture now? If not... I can add a few more to the list too.

Recovering from a serious problem in an intimate relationship is HARD work most people aren't prepared to do.

If its an "ex", you best be done-- otherwise I say you're playing head games or haven't learned how to talk sufficiently enough to be in any relationship! Grrrr. LOL

[Skell]

Had to spread it Val but spot on.

Kind of what I was trying to allude to in my post!

[PatBateman]

Nah, no hidden agendas or intentions here. Just wanted to start a discussion on this since I noticed a few threads about getting back with ex's and ex's wanting them back, etc.

But yeah, my 2 cents in this discussion is that getting back would require substantial change, and once those changes occur, you may not find yourself with the "same person" as before, and the dynamics and feel of the relationship would be different, possibly causing one to not want to have a second go at all.

[Nohitter410]

I think the biggest problem most people have is trying to force something after the breakup. If you let the other person roam free to a certain extent and let them work out on their own then it becomes much better. There is always reasons not disclosed why a breakup happens and that other person is never the same from relationship to relationship.

Obviously people say out of sight out of mind. I say if you both work on yourselves independently and not completely disappear after a long absence and actually understand that this break is an opportunity to work on yourself then it is possible.

If the person doesn't come back after you worked long and hard on yourself then it wasn't meant to be. You can always walk back in their life and at least slowly creep back in but understand that there aren't many great men out there or great women that can be compatitible with one another. There are more than one but it takes a lot. And if you don't correct the problems in your previous relationship then not only will you not succeed with an ex but it may occur with future relationships as well.

The problem I see at least from my perspective is when an ex says she enjoys being single and having the freedom just like I do but also wants to be with me. It is confusing which is why I let her be because she can figure that out on her own. Although you are taking a huge risk by doing no contact it will truly give your ex the opportunity to figure what they want and if you don't do that you will never know.

[s_cianci]

I'm not sure it's at all healthy. In my own personal experience, I've never gotten back with an ex. I've always been a firm believer that, when it's over, it's over. Or, to quote Wildcat, it's broke for a reason. I do believe this to be true. I think that people who get back with an ex are just looking for some sort of crutch or security blanket. Now, I believe that it is possible that one of the twosome might be a manipulator and be fully aware that there's no real potential but drag the other along anyhow, just for "something to do when there's nothing better to do", if you get my drift. This raises an even bigger red flag on the idea of getting back with an ex, the idea that one may be just using the other for "benefits" without ever intending anything lasting to come of it. The problem is, the naïve partner gets hurt all the more in the end.