[KnightCruiser]

I've been divorced from my ex-wife for seven years. We have an 18 yr old daughter together. She never wanted a divorce, and is bitter about it to this day. She frequently explodes on me over "what I did to her" and about what a horrible father I am(which I am NOT). She has dated very little and seems to have not moved on at all.
Despite my frustration with her, my mother & sister continue to invite her to family events. Even though I would bring girlfriends, and eventually a wife, she still would be invited. She seemed to only show up to keep tabs on my life and "get a good look" at the woman I was with. She even has made inappropriate comments under her breath at times. I can't begin to relay how uncomfortable this made me. They were never real close with her in the first place, and they say they do it because they feel sorry for her, and because she is the mother of my daughter. We would have no problem with a friendly, rational, well-adjusted ex showing up sometimes... but she is simply far from that. I always considered my family as loving and close, but I question their respect and loyalty to me over this. I can't seem to convince them to stop inviting her. My only recourse is to simply not attend any events she is invited to, but this breaks my heart as I love my family very much. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Jake2008]

I think that is called being between a rock and a hard place.

Because it is your parents call who they can/cannot invite, you can only decline the invitation. You can't dictate who should be left out, or not invited.

Why not have family gatherings at your place, and that way you can cross her off the guest list.

[jmjoseph]

Your family must be made to make a choice. Either you, or your bitter ex wife. Unfortunately, there is no other way around this matter.

It would only have to happen to me ONCE before I set the rules. If she is so hateful, and makes your life miserable, then by all means, distance yourself, and especially your new wife, from her.

It's not fair to the new lady in your life to be made to feel inferior to a mean woman.

Your family should feel sorry for YOU, not her.

The "rock" will still be there, but move away from the "hard place".

Life is simply too short to be worrying about a vengeful ex.

Put your foot down.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would tell them that if they invite her, you will no longer attend the events, and stick to it.

[Gemini54]

How disrespectful and how intensive!

I would ask them who they think is more important, you or her.

She needs to move on (for her own sake, as well as yours). Inviting her to functions allows her bitterness to persist. Inviting her to functions also stops you from moving on and inviting the lady of your choice, who (as things stand), is bound to be vilified and embarrassed by your ex wife.

Let your family know how hurtful it is to have your ex wife making nasty comments about you, and let them know that you want to enjoy family functions, put the past behind you and move on. You can't do this if she is present.

Put your foot down.

[dynocompe]

I agree, you have stated your case to your mom and sister, and they continue to invite her. So I would just stop attending the family events myself, even though it's a rough message, it must be delivered. You are 100 percent in the right here, and they have to see that, and choose!
Be strong!

[Wondergirl]

What about rising above it all and showing yourself to be the better person? Clue in your current girlfriend who goes with you, and ignore or make light of anything your ex says (without putting her down). Actually, this could be a fun and inventive thing for you and unsettling thing for your ex.

[450donn]

If your family insists on inviting her, conveniently do not show up one or two times. Maybe they will get the hint.

[dynocompe]

I just think its unfair for his current wife to even have to deal with the ex being at her new family functions! She should only have to see that ex when she comes to meet with there daughter for visits
Imagine if you were Knightcruisers wife, and you had to go to his family suppers and his ex wife was there! And she constantly was staring you down, making rude comments here and there. It is unacceptable an no need to rise above and make fun from the situation, there is nothing fun about it for the new wife and marriage.
Send a strong message to your family, they will get the hint.

[Wondergirl]

Imagine if you were Knightcruisers wife, and you had to go to his family suppers and his ex wife was there!

I would LOVE the opportunity to do that!! Maybe I could go in disguise. It would be the opportunity of a lifetime to show myself as the better person!

[ToughTime]

I'm in a similar situation as KnightCruiser. My wife and her ex husband have a 16 yr old daughter. They split up over 2 ½ years ago but he still shows up to her parents house for birthdays and all major holidays because their daughter invites him. When I met him on Thanksgiving 2009 he refused to shake my hand in front of everyone and called me outside to vent how much he doesn't like me because at the time I had just starting dating his then wife. (Understandable) He drunkenly told me that this is HIS family and that will never change. I let him say what he wanted and that was last time I had a conversation with him. Nowadays, he doesn't say anything to me and he doesn't give me dirty looks, but when he's there it's extremely awkward. We walk past each other without saying hello, excuse me or whatever. We don't ever make eye contact. There's sooooo much tension when we're in the same room but I have a bad feeling I'm going to get into an argument with this guy because of the way he talks to my wife. My wife has told him repeatedly that they're not married anymore so he shouldn't be there. I stay out of it when he texts her bad names and laughs at her and thanks God that he's not married to her anymore and that the only way he'll stop showing up is if her parents tell him he's not invited. Obviously, they're not going to do that. And at a recent birthday party my mother in law approached me to ask why we were leaving so early and if it had anything to do with my wife's ex being here and I said yes. I said I don't feel comfortable when he's around. I can't speak to everyone when he's sitting right next to them because he doesn't like me. I feel weird. And I told her that I'm never going to get to know all of my new relatives when he's around because I feel like when I just start to get to know them, HE walks in the room they all get up to greet him and leave me alone during the rest of the party. I feel Like I have to start over at every party. I'm not mad at my new relatives, because they've known HIM for 17 years and have a lot to talk about. I have no problem with the guy being friends and being close to them every day of the year if they wanted to. And my new sister in law doesn't think it's that big of a deal. She says to just ignore him. But she's not feeling what I'm feeling. My wife and this guy are divorced. So I believe he shouldn't be there on any of these holidays. I should only see him at his daughter's graduations, recitals, games or her wedding some day. But not at my in-laws house on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day and her parents birthdays! That's 7 times a year! I have best friends and in state family that I don't see that many times each year but I have to awkwardly see this guy? I used to love holidays, but now I dread them. I feel sad that my holidays are always tarnished. My step daughter wants him there no matter what. I have a great relationship with her. And she knows it's tough. But she still wants her mother and real father to be there no matter what. I'm curious how KnightCruiser's holidays have progressed since he 1st posted this topic back in Feb 2010.