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cj000 · Feb 17, 2010, 10:14 PM

Hi,

Does my mother have the right not to tell me the name of my biological father?

Alty · Feb 17, 2010, 10:28 PM

I don't think it's illegal for her to withhold that info, she must have her reasons.

How old are you? Why do you want to this info?

I don't want to sound harsh and I hope this doesn't hurt you, but have you considered that he doesn't want to be a part of your life? Obviously he's never been around, hasn't had contact with you. There has to be a reason for that and for why your mother doesn't want you to know.

Talk to you mom. Tell her that this is important to you, ask her why she won't tell you. Don't be confrontational, this must be very hard on her and I'm sure she only wants what's best for you. Talk to her, try to see her side and let her see yours.

I wish you all the best, no matter what happens. :)

cj000 · Feb 17, 2010, 10:35 PM

Hi,

Thank you for your advice. I am 21 years. My grandparents brought me up, therefore my mother and I do not get on at all, we have all spoken to her and she seems to not tell me out of spite. Altimately I have set myself up for dissapointment, I just need to know for my own peace of mind. I have tried many routes to obtain this information but she is reluctant to tell me. Do you think that I have a legal right to know? The problem is that it is eating me up.

GV70 · Feb 17, 2010, 10:44 PM

Originally Posted by cj000

Hi,

Does my mother have the right not to tell me the name of my biological father?

Actually no one can force her to tell the name of your BF.

Alty · Feb 17, 2010, 10:45 PM

I really don't know the laws regarding this. I think you have a right to know, but that doesn't mean she has a legal obligation to tell you.

We do have legal experts here and I'm sure they'll pipe in on the legal aspects.

I'm sorry that this is bothering you so much. You may never find out though, so don't let it bring you down, ruin your life.

Does she know how much this is bothering you? Could you hire a private investigator? Have you tried that route? That may be something to look into.

I really wish I could be more help, sadly I can't. Check back often, maybe someone has a better idea. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

Good luck to you. :)

ScottGem · Feb 17, 2010, 10:45 PM

I agree with Alty, I don't think there is any legal way to force your mother to give out the info.

GV70 · Feb 17, 2010, 10:47 PM

There was a case in Michigan. A teenage boy sued unsuccessfully his mother about his true paternity.

Alty · Feb 17, 2010, 10:52 PM

It really is sad. He has the right to know who his father is, and if she knows there should be a way to make her divulge the info.

Do you have a way to find out who her friends were back then? You best bet is to talk to people she knew back then, they would probably have some insight as to who your father is.

I really wish there was more we could do. I'm really sorry we can't help more.

cj000 · Feb 17, 2010, 10:52 PM

Wow, this is very disheartening, it feels as though I have a void in my heart. I have done everything I can, I have even met gentlemen that I thought could possibly be my father.

Alty · Feb 17, 2010, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by cj000

Wow, this is very disheartening, it feels as though I have a void in my heart. I have done everything I can, I have even met gentlemen that I thought could possibly be my father.

I'm so sorry this wasn't what you wanted to hear. Sadly that's the way the law usually works, not in the favor of right, or fair.

Don't let it get you down. Don't give it that power. If it's meant to be it will happen, but don't let it be your life's mission otherwise you're waste your life chasing after something that may never be yours.

I do hope you find him, but I also hope you can find peace if you can't.

cj000 · Feb 17, 2010, 11:03 PM

Thank you very much for your support, it is greatly appreciated. :-(

Synnen · Feb 18, 2010, 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

It really is sad. He has the right to know who his father is, and if she knows there should be a way to make her divulge the info.

Do you have a way to find out who her friends were back then? You best bet is to talk to people she knew back then, they would probably have some insight as to who your father is.

I really wish there was more we could do. I'm really sorry we can't help more.

I respectfully disagree with you, Alty. He does NOT have the "right" to know who his biological father is. SHE, however, has a RIGHT to her privacy.

As long as medical history is divulged, there is absolutely no reason why she should have to divulge that information. There are soooo many reasons she may not want to--for example, she was gang-raped, and never reported it, but has no idea who the father was. She was dating multiple men at the time and is now ashamed of it, but there are 15 different men who COULD be the father. She was a prostitute and doesn't want her child to know. The father threatened to harm her or the child if the information was ever divulged. The list goes on and on.

I see NO reason, other than medical information, that the information on biological parents MUST be shared with their child, even as an adult child of those parents.

cj000 · Feb 18, 2010, 06:54 AM

Hi,

Kindly be advised that my bio-mother has two other sisters, they spent most of their childhood doing everything together, the options that you have stated above ig: gang-rape, mutiple boyfriends etc. have already been excpelled. If she doesn't know the father, then she should just say so, thereafter I will leave it alone. I do not believe that a mother should treat one child different to the other, like what she does with my sister and myself. I do believe that in South Africa we should create a law that a bio-mother should divulge such information unless gang-rape can be proven with a case-report. Why would someone (especially in South Africa) be gang-raped and not report it, it does not make sense.

J_9 · Feb 18, 2010, 07:06 AM

There are many reasons a mother does not want a child to know who their biological father is.

One question you ask is "Why would someone (especially in South Africa) be gang-raped and not report it..." The answer is easy. Fear of retribution from the rapists. If it happened, not to say this is your case, these men could have threatened the woman with bodily harm if she told.

Other reasons the mother may not want the child to know are instances of incest or sexual molestation by a family member. Again, this may not be your case, but your mother has her reasons and those reasons should be respected. It could do her mental harm to reveal the name of the father, if she knows.

babysaver · Feb 18, 2010, 07:10 AM

I can only speak to the families I work with in my state but some of them feel a lot of shame whether they were raped or gang raped and never make a report to law enforcement. The moms tell me that they don't want their child to be "labeled" as a product of rape. Again, I have no idea about your mom's reasons. I do understand your pain. I desperately wanted to know anything about my paternal grandfather. I found out about 6 months ago that he died 5 years ago. I was able to find out this information because my job involves us working closely with law enforcement so I had good connection to go looking. Best of luck.

Synnen · Feb 18, 2010, 08:35 AM

I have to disagree here--because I AM a birthmother.

There are MANY reasons that you don't have the "right" to this information--all of them having to do with your mother's RIGHT to privacy.

The ONLY thing that I could argue that you have a right to know is your own medical history--That SHOULD be divulged to you.

But you have NO RIGHT to intrude on her privacy just because you want a name.

cj000 · Feb 18, 2010, 10:00 PM

It is easier said from your side, by any chance, did you live your life without knowing who you are in society? If she has such rights, she should have thought about that before bringing me into this world... If you big enough to have a child then you are big enough to accept the responsility that comes with it. Just because I was a mistake that she made, doesn't mean that she has the right to neglect me the way that she does. Does your children know who there father is? Please do not think that I am arguing with you, I would just like for you to understand where I am coming from.

Alty · Feb 18, 2010, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by cj000

It is easier said from your side, by any chance, did you live your life without knowing who you are in society? If she has such rights, she should have thought about that before bringing me into this world.... If you big enough to have a child then you are big enough to accept the responsility that comes with it. Just because I was a mistake that she made, doesn't mean that she has the right to neglect me the way that she does. Does your children know who there father is? Please do not think that I am arguing with you, I would just like for you to understand where I am coming from.

I'm sure Synnen does understand where you're coming from, now she's trying to explain where your mother is coming from.

For all you know your father could be a horrible man and that's why she's not telling you. There could be many reasons she's keeping this info to herself.

I know you have this dream of meeting your father, maybe getting to know him, forming a bond with him. My question is, if he really wanted that why hasn't he come looking for you?

I don't want to hurt your feelings but these things don't always have a fairy tale ending. In fact, more often then not it ends badly.

It's really best (since there's nothing you can legally do) to move on with your life and try your best to put this behind you. I know it's hard, but that's really your only option.

ScottGem · Feb 18, 2010, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by cj000

It is easier said from your side, by any chance, did you live your life without knowing who you are in society? If she has such rights, she should have thought about that before bringing me into this world.... If you big enough to have a child then you are big enough to accept the responsility that comes with it. Just because I was a mistake that she made, doesn't mean that she has the right to neglect me the way that she does. Does your children know who there father is? Please do not think that I am arguing with you, I would just like for you to understand where I am coming from.

I very much agree with you. Bringing a child into the world is a big decision, not to be taken lightly. One needs to understand the responsibilities involved before having a child.

But this is the Family Law forum and your question was whether she had the legal right or what rights you have. That is different from what is ethical and moral. Your question about legal rights has been answered. You may not like the answer or feel its justice, but it's the right answer.

Synnen · Feb 19, 2010, 06:49 AM

Does my child know who her biological father is? No idea. I placed her for adoption, and as far as I'm concerned, her adoptive parents are her parents.

If she asked me, I'd tell her--but there's no bad, horrible story there that causes me mental and emotional grief, anger, and pain.

Are you saying that you'd rather have your mother choose abortion than not tell you who your father is? As far as I can tell, you've had a place to live, food to eat, and grandparents who loved you. What do you think her "responsibilities" are, simply because she got pregnant? Frankly, I agree with you that too many people are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to have children when they do, but that doesn't mean they aren't "big enough to accept the responsibility". Many of them don't, and like you, are raised by their grandparents.

What it comes down to is this: You aren't going to have a miraculously great relationship with your father to make up for the neglect of your mother. It won't happen. If he KNOWS about you, where has he been for 21 years? If he DOESN'T know about you--what makes you think announcing that you're his child will make him accept you? You're more likely to be met with suspicion and denial than you are with acceptance of any kind.

I frankly suggest that you get counseling to get past your mother's neglect and your "need" to know your father. You are who you are, regardless who he is--so it has no bearing whatsoever on your identity.