[marilyn12]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now. It is a long distance relationship where we see each other on the weekends, taking turns fairly equally. He makes considerably more than I do, has money invested, has other business ventures, and is very smart with his finances. He also comes from a wealthy family, but he is independently well-off and quite modest in terms of his money and background- something that impressed me from the beginning.

On our very first date, he took me to a nice restaurant, which was pricey. Afterward, he took me for drinks at another high-end establishment. Our second date, I thought it was nice that he wanted to do something more hands-on, which was going to the pumpkin patch and then cooking a nice dinner afterward. Then, I noticed that each time we'd spend time together, we would be cooking something or doing things like getting a bottle of wine and watching a movie at his place. This was fine, until I noticed that he never again offered to take me out to dinner. My mother thought it strange that he wasn't taking me out to dinners or doing anything where he was spending any money on me. I am not looking for money here, as I make a good salary on my own and am very independent. I drive a new car, wear designer clothes and I take care of myself- but the fact that he was never spending $ on me made me question if he understands that a lady likes to be pampered once in awhile or if he simply thought it impractical.

For Hanukkah, he surprised me with a gift of a trip to the Caribbean. I was so excited and so pleased with this generous gift! But still, I could count on one hand the number of times he had taken me out for dinner or drinks. My birthday rolled around and I expected something special- but instead, got a very impersonal, very "not me" piece of jewelry that I was embarrassed, admittedly, to show even to my close girlfriends. It was horrid and looked to cost about $15.

Valentine's day has come and gone, and not only did he get me a single red rose and a tiny box of candy, he did not even write me a card. No romantic dinner plans, nothing. Meanwhile, I had arranged for for us to have couple's massages at a spa near him, and happily spent $200 because I wanted him to know how much he means to me.

I really love this man and aside from these disappointing behaviors, I see a future with him. He's caring, compassionate, has a lovely family, gets along with my family well, and would do anything for me. Should I worry that he will be "cheap" for the rest of our relationship, or is this something that I can hint at over time and possibly change? I don't want to hurt his feelings or overstep my boundaries by saying something that makes me sound greedy, but this is bothering me.

[rosemcs]

How about going out with girlfriends to restaurants. You'll get your fun in. Do it often enough for him to notice and say something and then he may get the hint and ask you. Or, he just won't care, because going out is not as necessary for him, as it is you.

We are all wired differently. Some are just as happy to go camping or fishing as they are to spend money in a restaurant.

As for the no gift on V-Day, maybe he is just not good at the small romantic details (or doesn't care to be). If you really think he loves you, don't let this little thing bother you. Just get him little items for fun and maybe he will pick up on how important it is to you.

[marilyn12]

The man I am currently dating is fabulous. In fact, I would be happy if things progressed to the point of marriage, and thankfully I see it heading in that direction.

We are very honest with each other and I would never ever tell him an outright lie. However, I have one dark secret from my past which does not affect our lives or relationship whatsoever- it's just that I'm not sure if it's considered wrong, or a lie, to keep it from him. Or, if it's something he needs to know.

The secret is very sensitive, especially for a conservative person such as him. When I was in my early 20's in college, my boyfriend at the time were intimate. On one occasion, the condom broke, and I was not using oral contraceptives. I thought that I was fine as I got my period a week later, but it turns out that it was just spotting. I did not know I was pregnant until a few weeks later, and decided that this was not the time nor the place in my life to bring a child into the world, especially since I had partied etc. in college during the time when I thought everything was okay. I terminated the pregnancy and moved on with my life, and spoke with a counselor before and after the fact. I think for me, it was a smart decision. I was a young woman with the world ahead of me and no means to support a baby. I also technically used birth control, which failed me.

I don't know if this needs to ever be revealed or not- I've heard women often say that if you have a dark secret or something you don't want to share, that you should take it to the grave. I don't know if he would look at me differently, or if it would make our relationship change. I don't want that to happen. I know he would not leave me but I don't want to put a scar on the currently great situation. I also don't know when, if I should say something, an appropriate time is to release this information.

If we do get married, it would most likely be in the Catholic church to please our parents. They often make you go through a workshop of sorts, before marriage. Not sure what this entails, but I would feel horrible if they ask you to reveal your innermost secret like that. What is the best way to handle this predicament?

[CarrotTalker]

I don't think it's a big problem. Have you tried asking him if he could take you out to restaurants a little more frequently?

[kctiger]

I don't think anyone has the right to judge you for making decisions like this. While it is an extremely controversial topic, you need to know that it was your choice and you have completely accepted responsibility for it. I have done many things I'm not proud of, we all have. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. I think you are bothered by your secret and to be honest I think it would relieve some of the weight off your shoulders if you just tell him. If he is half the guy you say he is, I'm sure he will understand, or at the least he won't react in an inappropriate way.

Bottom line - do what's best for your current situation. Good luck!

[Romefalls19]

You have to chose what is best for your situation. KC is right, if he's a decent guy he will accept it and realize it was a tough decision for you.

[dynocompe]

I am very glad you told us the secret, as soon as I started reading your post, that is what went through my head! I hope she reveals the secret! I hope she reveals the secret!

I think obviously your secret really bothers you for you to come to this forum and ask us our opinions. I think it is on your mind a lot, and you would feel a lot better if you told him! If its not something your always thinking about when your with him, then I don't see the reason to tell him, But if its eating you alive, you must! You will feel much better about yourself, and if he loves you, he will support your decision!

[talaniman]

First off, I think 6 months is to early to be extravagant with a stranger. He doesn't know where this is going and neither do you. While I can understand wanting to be wined, and dined, and lavished with the best, is it so necessary so early on? On this slow down a bit and let him get to know your not a gold digger looking for Mr. Goodbar, and what's wrong with you doing some wining and dining? That would certainly give him the message that your willing to meet him half way, and not just expect something that your not willing to give. Come on, it takes two, and he doesn't know you well enough, nor do you know him that well, to have such lofty expectations, that he can read your mind, so soon.

As for your secret, maybe holding off until this relationship is more defined and headed somewhere, would be more prudent than just laying it out for him so soon.

Either way, developing better communications, and understanding of each other, is what's needed after ONLY six months of dating, in a long distance relationship.

[dynocompe]

Since his family is very weathly and he is doing well for himself, I can guarantee he is scared of a girl falling in love with his money rather than him. I think he just wants you to love him for him, not for money and gifts. For richer or for poorer. :)
So he may just want a relationship built on love alone and nothing materialistic.
You would be surprised how many girls will date a guy they are hardly attracted to , just because he is wealthy.

[jaime90]

Doesn't seem like a problem to me. My fiancé didn't get me anything for valentines day. We just took a shopping trip downtown, and went to an out of the ordinary non-fast food restaurant. When you truly love someone, it doesn't really matter what they get you for their birthday etc. Besides, you can go on dates without going to dinner. Why don't you set up a movie night at your place?

[dynocompe]

You also say that you make a good salary , wear designer clothes, have a new car, and say your not after his money. But then why are you complaining that he isn't spending money on you? If you want to go out to dinner with him, or to the theatre or where ever, why don't you take him and open up your purse?

To make money, you got to have money. A lot of the richest people around are the cheapest people around. They like to buy things that they have something to show for, but not something that is just liquidated. They like to k eep value in there money spent. Something that has a investment or improves there networth.

You can see two average joes who have the same job, but one average joe lives in a trailer, while the other lives in a fancy new house. The trailer goes to mcdonalds every day and watches the hockey games at his favorite pub. While the guy in the fancy house has a home cooked mealed everyday and watches the game on his own big screen.
Its all about how you spend your money. The smarter your with your money, the more you will have