[Unondel]

I'm 29, she's 26, we got married young and since then I have been in the U.S.Marines, deployed twice, and spent about 3 years away from home. I'm currently studying thanks to the GI Bill, my career choices will have me gone a lot from home, which is just another reason for me to not have kids.

When we got married we both knew each others position on kids, she wanted several and I knew that, and she also knew that I didn't want any, as I said we were both very young and I think we both thought we could change the others mind. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I haven't changed my mind and I won't about kids. I've been looking online for some help, but most people argue over why the person doesn't want kids rather than offer help and advice. Is there anyone who's had this same situation? And can someone offer some legitimate advice rather than try to argue with me over reasons or try to change my mind?

[twinkiedooter]

For whatever personal reasons you may have your wife needs to respect your wishes not to have kids. If she keeps pressing the issue I don't think your marriage will have long to last under those conditions. Some women think that they can change a man after they get married to think the way she wishes him to think. If her case I think she may have made a mistake. You need to sit down with her and fully explain that you don't want kids and why so she will understand. Then, if you are so inclined you can have a vasectomy to cinch the deal. It apparently has not sunk into her yet that you are dead serious about this decision. I quite understand where you are coming from. Some men just don't want kids period and no amount of reasoning will change their minds.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, your opinion is your opinion, and you have the right not to want any, but then you are also depriving her of her ability to be a mother. And while "YOUR" career will take you away from home, what about her, will she be traveling with you around the world on business or are you leaving her at home ( a empty) home.
Where she will think about the empty bedrooms and what she will feel as your selfishness each time you leave ?

This is something that needed to be worked out before marriage. And of course she could just stop using any birth control, and hope to get pregnant if you still have sex.

And of course being in the military and traveling on business is your life and many who do this have kids at home, so these are not real reasons not to have kids, so come on, what are some more real reasons you don't

[J_9]

I was in a position similar to yours. A little different, but similar nonetheless.

I had two children from a previous marriage, my current husband had none and wanted none. I, too, thought I was done having children. I was ready to live my life again without the demands of young children.

One day I woke up with stomach cramps... found out I was 4 months pregnant. She was born premature. Since then we have had another child.

My husband, who never wanted children, in fact did not even LIKE children, would never change the life we have now. He is the best husband and FATHER a woman could ever want.

I'm not trying to change your mind. I would not try to change her mind either. If you find that this is a dilemma that you cannot overcome, it may be time to part ways.

[thisisit]

Neither of you has to change their mind. She knew you didn't want kids, you knew she did. Maybe she isn't expecting a lot from you, then, other than a DNA contribution. Could she or would she be willing to raise a child with little input from you, knowing most or all of the responsibilities and hands on parenting are going to have to come from her, alone? Parenting isn't for everyone. It is a serious undertaking and at least an 18 year commitment. But the urge to have a child is irresistible to many women. Have you told her that it would not be fair to the child, that you don't want to create a child that will grow up with an unavailable father. Even Superwoman's child deserves to be wanted by his father...

She is still young enough to find someone else to parent a child with. Why not encourage her to spend a lot of time with babies and young children. It might be enough to satisfy her desire to have her own baby. Would you be willing to try foster parenting with her? You could both get a better idea of how much a child would change things?

Whatever you do, you are going to have to figure out how to work through this with your wife. You both have valid positions. Maybe with a little work and a little compromise you can come to an agreement that you both feel good about. If not, if either one of you feel you are being forced to have a child/remain childless, you could develop resentment later on when it is too late to turn back.

[Unondel]

thisisit, I have tried to explain to her that a child needs a father. Chuck, as to my reasons, I've already said I don't want to be a father, never had and now I'm 29 years old and haven't changed my mind, I mentioned my job because I feel that it is important to know that if I did have a kid I will be gone a lot and I don't think that's a way to raise a child, a father should be involved in the family and not just a person that drops by when he's in town. I think part of the problem lately is that she's not getting any younger, and her brother (plus his wife) and her sister are both expecting kids within the next 4 months, so there's a lot of "baby talk" in her family and of course lots of people keep asking her when we're going to have kids, my family finally got it through that I don't want kids and have finally given up.

Thanks for the help so far guys, I will try to talk to her to see if she wants spend more time with our friends kids, hopefully that will help her and not make it worse.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will add to J9 comments, when I remarried, I had grown kids and my new wife knew I was very firm in not having any more kids, well about this same time in her later 20's her bio clock was ringing and she decided she needed a child. I gave in, now 10 years latter, I would not give my son up for anything, the readers here have read of the custody fight where I actually got custody of my son and my wife just visitation.
But then not all people would melt at the sight of their child.

But as noted, if she wants a child enough, she may decide to change husbands to get what she wants.

[thisisit]

Don't give in to pressure from others! I'm sure with her brother and sister both expecting babies it is tugging on her to have her own. People who ask when she is going to have kids of her own are extremely rude and insensitive, or they just aren't thinking.

Hopefully if she can spend a lot of time with her brother's and sister's babies or other babies and young children it will help ease her desire. It is so much easier to just spend time with other people's kids than to have your own ;), seriously though, it is.

[J_9]

You are in a no-win situation. You will resent her if you do have kids, she will end up resenting you if you don't.

Have you considered counseling to work through this?

[Gemini54]

thisisit, I have tried to explain to her that a child needs a father. Chuck, as to my reasons, I've already said I don't want to be a father, never had and now I'm 29 years old and haven't changed my mind, I mentioned my job because I feel that it is important to know that if I did have a kid I will be gone a lot and I don't think that's a way to raise a child, a father should be involved in the family and not just a person that drops by when he's in town. I think part of the problem lately is that she's not getting any younger, and her brother (plus his wife) and her sister are both expecting kids within the next 4 months, so there's a lot of "baby talk" in her family and of course lots of people keep asking her when we're going to have kids, my family finally got it through that I don't want kids and have finally given up.

Thanks for the help so far guys, I will try to talk to her to see if she wants spend more time with our friends kids, hopefully that will help her and not make it worse.

There are a number of issues here, to my mind, and it's not just about having children or not.

You say you'll be gone a lot and that you believe that fathers should be around - what about husbands? It doesn't sound as if you'll be contributing much to your marriage either (a wife needs a husband as much as a child needs a father)- is that therefore a reason to not be married?

I also sense a great deal of stubbornness in your post - you've made up your mind, and you won't compromise. Where does this leave your wife? Essentially you're making it very difficult for someone that you claim to love - think about it - she really only has two choices - stay with you and remain childless or leave and have children with someone else.

You do understand don't you that there is no 'happy' solution to this? One of you is going to be unhappy, and unhappiness is a cancer that eventually eats away at relationships.

[Unondel]

Well thank you all for your support, I did talk to her this evening for a bit, but because of work we're going to sit down tomorrow and actually talk for a while. I'll be sharing these posts with her, and hopefully we can come to an agreement sometime soon, thanks again.

[cmarcus]

Well if she wants kids that's what the heart wants morther hood is the best but a very hard job.
You guys could become foster mom and dads it might open you eye or maybe hers there many kids out there is looking for a loving home to go to.

[Jake2008]

Having children is not a decision anyone can take lightly. Having a child to please a partner who wants a child, is not fair to the child. Two committed people with the same goal is the only way to bring a baby into the world.

While she made it clear before you were married that she wanted children, you made it clear before you married her that you didn't. She married you anyway. She could have called it all off as this is a pretty major issue, and found someone else to have a family with. But she didn't.

It isn't fair to ask you to compromise, simply because she wants you to, or because she thinks she can change your mind.

I wish more people were as honest as you were.

I don't think that you are being deceiptful, or dishonest, or that you have other problems going on that prevent you from having babies. The decision is yours, and I hope you stick to your guns.

Just my opinion, but as another poster posted, it might be time to make sure that you cannot impregnate your wife, with a vasectomy.