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Kezza1 · Feb 7, 2010, 09:54 PM

Hi everyone, Im in desperate need of advice, please help me! I have been married since I was 19, Im now 27 and my husband is 33. We have 2 amazing children who are 4 and 5, and their the best... my problem is I don't feel in love anymore and I can't stop dwelling on the fact that I got married too young, I knew nothing about life at that stage and I do feel like I missed out on being my own person, I went straight from my parents who I didn't get on with and into marriage. My husband is great, hard working and all that and a great Father to our children, he tells me he loves me all the time, always wants sex, basically has done nothing wrong, its all just me causing the problems! Ahh its horrible, my mind is in turmoil and I can't stop thinking about it! Im not attracted to him anymore and Im very social, I like to get out and have fun, I go out clubbing quite a lot which he hates but it's the only time I get to really have fun, its like Im me again, laughing and joking etc... I feel if I don't go out, Ill be stuck at home every weekend watching movies and that's OK sometimes but not all the time. It annoys me that he's happy not to have a social life, were very different from each other, Im very relaxed, friendly and easygoing whereas he's quite serious,and not that sociable. I also really enjoy the attention I get from other men, and I find it really tempting to go and sleep with someone else but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did... what should I do??

tickle · Feb 8, 2010, 05:06 AM

I would have to say bite the bullet, Kezza and just appreciate what you have when so many other women haven't. You have to consider that down line when you are older, and I assume want to do what I think you want to do, you will have nothing.

I would suggest that you talk to your husband about a part time job for yourself outside the home when your children are in school for the whole day. That would give you an outlet to not feel tied down doing the same thing every day and give you a better outlook if you are making your own way.

Tick

talaniman · Feb 8, 2010, 12:57 PM

It annoys me that he's happy not to have a social life, were very different from each other,

He probably is annoyed with his wife wanting to party so much, so what.

Your adults, and while there is nothing wrong in your wanting a social life outside the family setting, don't forget to appreciate what you do have.

I also really enjoy the attention I get from other men, and I find it really tempting to go and sleep with someone else but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did... what should I do??

Go with a girlfriend who will watch your back.

If your going out alone, I would be very pizzed at you myself. Very pizzed!!!!

Jake2008 · Feb 8, 2010, 03:04 PM

You've been married going on 10 years, you have 2 great kids, a loving, faithful husband who has done nothing to cause you to lose your footing.

What are your priorities. What makes you think that it's okay to go clubbing by yourself without your husband. Are you trying to regain your youth?

You are enjoying the attention you get from other men, at the expense of your husband.

If you haven't slept around, you are surely on a course to. If you cannot control yourself, you should stay home.

That being said, you are a married woman, with two children. Your children come first.

Where do you think your marriage is heading if you continue along this path of thinking that you deserve more than what you have.

What makes you think that your husband isn't hurt and confused about your behaviour. He does everything he can, and still you want more.

The single life is over, and was the moment you married him. Do you remember your vows?

I do not see you giving much love to him at all.

Perhaps he can do better with someone who will appreciate him. Who knows, maybe he's thinking the same thing.

Just my opinion here, but you really need to take a good long look at your life, and put your family first here.

You will never recapture what you think you lost, or what you think life owes you.

Synnen · Feb 8, 2010, 03:20 PM

What should you do?

Take your husband's hand and go straight to a marriage counselor.

If he won't go, then see a counselor yourself.

GretaX · Feb 8, 2010, 04:37 PM

I think you just need to spice up your marriage a little bit, from what I understand you never really had a chance to do the things that a lot of people get to do. Talk to him about it, I'm sure he would go out and do things with you if you wanted to. I find that the thing that keeps relationships stronger is the feeling that other girls might be into him and you've got to fight for what's yours, You aren't doing anything wrong here he is probably just so busy he doesn't have time to make you chase him, that's part of what makes teenagers feel like they are in love with each other, the thrill of the chase. It might even help to tell yourself "I can have anyone in the world, but this man did something incredible enough to make me choose him" go back in time and remember what made you fall in love with him in the first place. Nothing is ever set in stone, you still have time to be young. As for the being with other men, I have struggled with that as well, but when you really think about it all you are looking for is something you aren't getting from him and no amount of cheating will ever fix that, it will only make it worse. Good luck and I hope your family stays together.

Catsmine · Feb 8, 2010, 06:20 PM

I heard a cute one the other day that might be pertinent to this question:

I know the grass here is solid gold, but that AstroTurf looks sooo inviting.

Kezza1 · Feb 8, 2010, 07:05 PM

Thanks everyone... all of this I already know in my heart and tell myself everyday.. that Im so lucky, I know I am and that I have what so many strive for. Honestly I do tell myself everyday! No I don't go out alone, the reason I go is for a night out with my friends, Im not completely stupid! And no I haven't cheated ever... thank you GretaX, its nice to hear from someone who understands and can relate a little bit... thanks for not just judging me! To everyone else, I didn't choose to feel this way, Ive been trying to deal with this for a year now without luck, so Im going to see a counsellor on my own, scary but I realize it has to be done... according to everything on these sites its natural for people married so young to go through this at some stage so I don't think its just me being a horrible person.

450donn · Feb 8, 2010, 08:25 PM

So, "Im not attracted to him anymore and Im very social, I like to get out and have fun, I go out clubbing quite a lot which he hates but its the only time i get to really have fun, its like Im me again, laughing and joking etc."
Yet you have children? What is wrong is you got married way too young and now you think going out and partying is what it is all about. How about you grow up and get some professional counseling.

talaniman · Feb 8, 2010, 08:28 PM

so I don't think its just me being a horrible person.

No not horrible, just temporarily stuck in a rut. One you will get out of. We all do! You're young, you'll grow.

Catsmine · Feb 9, 2010, 03:53 AM

No judgement implied. An out of fashion phrase describes what you're going though: an identity crisis. It took me a lot longer than I thought was normal to come to terms with who I really am. I still dream of jet-setting and yachts and million dollar birthday parties, but they're dreams. I'm very happy to just be a Dad now.

Cat1864 · Feb 9, 2010, 07:09 AM

Kezza, I am not judging you. You seem to be judging yourself. I say that because I have found that people who judge themselves are the one's who hold on to a small seed of weakness and let it grow into a huge thorn bush of doubt. If you stop 'dwelling' on 'what might have beens', you would probably find that the doubts will pretty much disappear.

I think you need the counseling. However, more than that I think you need to change your perception of what a good time is. In reading your posts, I wonder if you ever really think about what a social life can be instead of what you think a social should be. It doesn't matter what age you get married at if the only thing that you think of as a 'good time' is going out to 'clubs' and getting 'checked out' by men other than the one you are with.

Is your husband really 'not sociable' or is it that he has a different idea of what a good time is? Is he more serious because he is thinking about spending time with his family instead of 'going out a lot' to clubs?

Tell me something, let's pretend that you are incompatible with your husband and you leave him. Are you leaving your children, too? Are you leaving them with babysitters while you have your much wanted 'social life'? Are you bringing home these 'admiring' men to have play dates with Mommy?

I think you need to look at where you can compromise with your husband on what you both need. Date nights can be great for some couples. Having friends over for a dinner/movie/game night can be a lot of fun. There are a lot possibilities that I get the impression you have ignored because they don't seem as flashy as 'going out clubbing' or yell as loudly as 'I missed out because I got married at 19, so I deserve... '

Kezza1 · Feb 9, 2010, 08:39 PM

Ok... so this all makes me sound like I do nothing else but go to bars, I only go every 3 or 4 weeks on a Fri night or something, its not like I think Im 18 and go every Fri and Sat night. Also, I would never ever leave my children, I love them more than I ever thought possible to love somebody, they are my world, please don't think Im a bad mother, we have lots of love and fun together :) If we were to separate, I wouldn't hire babysitters just so I could go out to bars, Im not obsessed or anything and also I always put my children's welfare first so I would never be a mum that brings random men home... Id be scared for their emotional welfare but also just their safety... so don't worry Im not like that! Were not going to separate though... Im starting counselling and so is my husband. Since I wrote this post the other day, we've talked properly about all of this because I really just had to be completely honest with him, its too hard otherwise, not to mention tiring! We've only been here just under 2 years, so itsveen a bit hard being away from home so I think that's contributed a little as wee, even though we love it here, just being away from friends and family and support is very hard. At home we'd socialise a lot , but I think my husband has found it hard to make friends here, its also a bit tricky with no one to babysit but hey we'll find a way! Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice :)

Cat1864 · Feb 11, 2010, 07:14 AM

Originally Posted by Kezza1

Ok... so this all makes me sound like I do nothing else but go to bars, I only go every 3 or 4 weeks on a Fri night or something, its not like I think Im 18 and go every Fri and Sat night. Also, I would never ever leave my children, I love them more than I ever thought possible to love somebody, they are my world, please dont think Im a bad mother, we have lots of love and fun together :) If we were to seperate, I wouldnt hire babysitters just so I could go out to bars, Im not obsessed or anything and also I always put my childrens welfare first so I would never be a mum that brings random men home...Id be scared for their emotional welfare but also just their safety...so dont worry Im not like that! Were not going to seperate though...Im starting counselling and so is my husband. Since I wrote this post the other day, weve talked properly about all of this because I really just had to be completely honest with him, its too hard otherwise, not to mention tiring! Weve only been here just under 2 years, so itsveen a bit hard being away from home so I think thats contributed a little as wee, even though we love it here, just being away from friends and family and support is very hard. At home we'd socialise a lot , but I think my husband has found it hard to make friends here, its also a bit tricky with noone to babysit but hey we'll find a way! Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice :)

This is about the response I was hoping for. :)

Would he feel more comfortable meeting people through an activity like volunteering or hobbies?

Good luck with the counseling. :)

Jake2008 · Feb 12, 2010, 11:03 AM

Just my two cents. I don't think you are a bad person, mom, or wife.

You can at least honestly say what you are feeling, and I appreciate that.

While your goals aren't to be 18 years old again, the point is that you have lost yourself, and you are smart enough to realize that you are in dangerous territory in being distant from your husband, and pursuing that goal of having some fun, a change of pace, and the opportunity to feel good about yourself, even if for a few hours with your girlfriends.

People and circumstances change. Just like the kids will change from year to year, so too does a marriage. There is nothing really that remains the same, except both parties have needs, and when they are not met, trouble happens.

Before that becomes the case, keep up with finding answers in your husbands and your relationship. It's good that you are talking to him, and I hope he's listening.