[Ames]

Hi there, my husband and I live in a very isolated part of Australia. There are a lot of young families here for work - Living away from their families and friends back on the coast. We have become close to another married couple, which has been nice for company and support.
On Sunday my friend was rushed to hospital, later that night we heard the sad news that her fallopian tube had ruptured due to an Ectopic Pregnancy. This news came as such a shock because they had done well at keeping the pregnancy a secret - she was in her eighth week. My husband and I are probably their closest friends here, we met them at church the week they moved here eight months ago. Like us, they have no family here. So when I heard this news I felt like we really needed to show them care and support.

On Monday I went to visit my friend in hospital, I took her flowers and a "Thinking of you Balloon", nice smelling soaps and special things just for her. I thought that if I was in her position, I would need a friend. My husband phoned her husband to pass on some dinner I had made for him. (At church we always cook for each other when a family is sick or in crisis).
The next day I phoned the hospital to see how she was doing and to see if she felt like any visitors. She sounded really tired and a bit down. It didn't sound like she wanted to see anyone so I suggested we give her some space to rest. After I had called her I saw a text message she had sent that morning saying - No visitors today thanks. I then felt silly for calling her.

I left her alone yesterday and just sent a text saying. Sorry I didn't get your text yesterday, hope your getting some much needed rest. Thinking of you both, Love Ames xx. I had made another meal for her hubby which he collected.

My husband says that I should just leave them alone and give them space to grieve, which I understand. I just feel so awful for them and want to help, he says I'm being overwealming and should back off. She called last night to say thanks for the meal (She is home now) but I was out. My husband told her that we'd get together later on when she was feeling up to it (In other words, we'll give them some space). I have no intention of calling in or anything like that, I understand that she is in a world of hurt right now and needs space. I feel bad that my gestures may be seen as "Overbearing" I just want to be a good friend. I feel so tearful.. Here we are with our little baby (We have a 10mnth son), and she has lost something she wanted so badly, she must feel like life is so unfair...

It's so lonely here right now - My closest friend is in despair and there is nothing I can do but to stay away...

How can I tell if I'm being "Overbearing"? What can I do for her later on when time has past and they have had time to heal? Should I wait till she calls me even if a couple of weeks pass?



Ames

[edelish]

Most individuals who are grieving are not up for socializing, but that does not sound like your intention. It sounds as if you care and want to be a support to her, and yet also like you have needs of your own (you miss having your close friend). Perhaps if you were to write her a handwritten note speaking of your desire to respect her need for space and your desire to be there as a support through this time of grief, and speak of not feeling comfortable calling her as you do want to respect her privacy, but telling her you are available for her. You may also want to proactively mention the fact that the loss of her baby (and you should call it that, not a cold term) might make it uncomfortable for her to be around you with your child, and ask if she would prefer you visit without your infant, and also at some point let her talk about her dreams and hopes for this baby, its due date, did they want a girl or boy, what names, how did they feel when they found out. Finally, cry with her and let her cry. Listening and not talking too much is the best policy. So sorry for you and your friend's loss.