[leeleeflash]

The situation between me and my mother has always been rocky at the best of times... well since my teens anyway. But at one time we were really really close. About two years ago my mother and I had a falling out that has never really been resolved. My husband and I were having marital problems... BIg marital problems, and while now I can chalk it up to just getting married too young, and not knowing what I really wanted in life, at the time my world was crashing around me. While I will not play a complete innocent victim here, I played a major roll in my marriage falling apart, I was not completely at fault. The night I decided to leave my husband for a " trial" separation, to go clear my head, figure out what I really wanted, He left for work in tears... it hurt me to see him like that and I decided to stay one more day to spend sometime with him. Since he was on midnights anyway and would, be at work all night and asleep most of the morning I decided to go hang out with a few friends for the night and would spend the day with him the next day. Although these friends were in no way helping my situation, at the time, I didn't think twice about it. That night, our apartment was broken into they took everything from my prepacked luggage to my dog... and everything valuable in between. I had no knowledge of this and didn't know anything until the police called me the next morning. They asked me to come down and questioned my whereabouts and that of my friends, while eventually they acknowledged that I had nothing to do with it, somehow my husband and mother had become convinced that I as behind the whole thing and turned their backs on me. My parents took my husband into their home, and refused all calls from me, I left town with a duffle bag, determined to start my life over. Two months later my grandmother died. I went home for the funeral, and everone acted like nothing had ever happened, I had gone through the roughest part of my life and no one was there for me, yet everyone acted like it was OK. It was just days before christmas and I couldn't get a flight out until boxing day so I was stuck there. I figured I might as well make the best of it. Low and behold who shows up for christmas? My ex husband, MY MOTHER tells me if we can't get along than I will have to leave! Long story short this charade went on for a while of everyone pretending everything was OK, Than one day I just snapped I couldn't take it anymore. I WAS ANGRY, no one had ever acknowledged what happened, no one apologized for abandoning me when I needed my family the most, I tried to put it behind me for my grandma's sake, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I sent my mother an email, telling her how I felt, exactly how hurt I was, and how I could no longer take the ignorance of the situation. My little sister got involved and after several nasty emails back and forth I ended all contact with everyone. The only response I got was from my step father saying" hope you change your mind someday" the end nothing more, no apology, nothing. The problem is, even though there has been no contact, I am still angry, there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about it and get upset.
I WAS HER CHILD how could she turn her back on me like that? I know I should forgive her, I know they say if you don't forgive someone you give them the power to make you angry, but how? How do you forgive? Is it worth it for me to try ? With my mother it has been a never ending battle for me to forgive her and than have her do something horrible to upset me again. What do you think?

[tinkerbell77]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I won't tell my whole story but my parents befriended my ex after my divorce. Unfortunately we had children and NO one wanted to be there for me or the kids. I took care of the kids 5 years by myself and now they all want to attack me and take me to court for visitation when of my children in attempt to hurt me. Because I've had to take myself away from them all for not appoligizing to me. My advise is chalk it up and move on. I went back a 100 times hopeing that it would be different. They always acted like nothing happened and never said sorry. It hurt, it continue to hurt... It went on and on to the point that I felt like nothing. It tore me apart and myself esteem.
Now that it's been years, I did go to see a councler and told her about everything they have done. She helped me work threw the true fact "they will never change" and YOU can't change someone. The more you are around them the more you will get hurt. Cause you are expecting something from them that will never happen. I know it's hard and VERY hurtful. I still get very hurt by things they say and do. Not to mention their constantly following me and my new husband cause they are so currious of my new life. I have to chalk it up as there unhappyness and they will say sorry some day or they won't, you have to accept that.
I don't know how religious you are? I'm not that religious but I did find hope in just praying for them. It made me feel like I was being the bigger person. I just pray every day for there hurt and their anger toward me. To help me get threw another day with out feeling bad about myself. Find other people that can play that "parent" role and provide you with the love and acceptance that you need. I've found guidance and support threw my friends and it's been a huge help to myself estem. It helped me realize that they don't have control over who I am or my hurt. There are people out there that love you and want to be around you. I hope this helps!

[shygrneyzs]

You need to help yourself first. I agree with the finding a counselor/therapist for you to talk this through. The counselor will not give you the answrs, but will guide you through all the maze so that you can see that what your Mother, Stepfater, and Ex-husband are, is nothing you can change. You can only change yourself. When you work on identifying the "problems", you can also identify alternative actions and solutions and decide which is best for your emotional health.

When you are "put back together" in your head then you can move past your anger and resentment and work towards forgiveness. You may find that it goes hand in hand, part of the healing process.

Forgiveness does not mean that everyone is one big happy family again, so be cautious. You can forgive and not want to be part of something that is unhealthy. You can take the high road on this and still lead your own life and have peace in your heart. I sincerely hope you find that peace. I have been in those shoes you are walking in. Take care.